#MovingOn

Be the woman that you want others to have in their life….. Damn… what a statement to myself. This is a huge thing for me. I always feel that I am undeserving of great things in life. I still have this fear that the other shoe will drop if I step outside of my safe box. That is the dumb for me to do!! I missing out on so much life. I have spent too time much dreaming and staying in my own prison when I am not meant to be there.

God healed me from all these things, and He often reminds me that I am not alone and that I am here for a greater purpose. I need to stop interfering in his job. Recently, I was able to go on a road trip with some great people. I learned a lot about the women I went on this trip with but I learned the most from myself. I learned that life is possible and the things that I want to do are POSSIBLE!

I can’t focus on the things that I can’t change and focus on the things that matter to me and work my ass off to get them. I need to stop working my ass off for people that don’t really care. I know that I am here to help others but first I need to help myself through this season. Sure things get wonky but God has been there for me every step of the way. I have selfishly put everyone before myself yet again, and I got wrapped into something that wasn’t meant for me to go through at all because I got in the way. So I forgive myself on  not allowing myself to really start life…. in this season.

I tried to explain where I am coming from to my family over the weekend and they looked at my like I was nuts… But I feel like through my time in recovery I went from being a infant into an adolescent and then into my life as an adult. I can’t explain the way my brain processed what I meant in that moment: Other than I had a new awakening. I realized that what “normal” people go through and know what they are suppose to do in this life… or what they want to do. I never had that moment until it was kinda forced onto me… because obviously I wasn’t ” Getting” it when it was presented to me before. The fact is… I need to get started on something important in life… More than what I have been doing.

Let me get this out of the way, even though I have been feeling lazy in life, I really haven’t. While most people were going to school, living a single life, figuring out life in a “hands on” kind of way, I was raising babies, getting married and figuring all that out, getting divorced and going through a custody battle way before most people my age graduated with their first degree. I was living a life that some are just doing now. So things are flipped for me, I am almost done with raising babies. My oldest will be graduating high school next year, the next will be a year behind her, and 3 years after that.. so I get to live a much different way than some of the people in my age group. To be honest my hat goes off to them, They did things the way I wish I could of. But its all about choices… because trying to go to school with a child and really no help is almost impossible.Some have done it and high five to you. It wasn’t in my cards. My hands on training in life was different. I know that I want to go back to school even though I will be that old person in class I don’t care… I want to finish school damnit. I want to do a lot of things in this life I want to be able to impact someones life for the better. I want to be able to say that through the work that God sets out for me that people are enriched.

I want to be able to experience going to different places in the world and experiences cultures. I want to be able to say that I have done this with people who are like minded. I want to be able to have real friends and not to be afraid of using my voice to speak life and to make boundaries, or to rid of the people or things that have no business being in my life. I don’t want to continue to compare my life to others, because just like me they and myself don’t know the real story behind the closed doors of others. I can however take a page from their book and learn something from them but not compare successes.

That is by far, the hardest lessons to act on, But when He tells you to move, you better move. When He says speak you speak. When He gives any commandment do it. We all hesitate to do these things because there is a real feeling of fear and rejection. I know that is what I feel when I am presented with these things myself. The times that I didn’t act there were things that happened that I certainly didn’t like. One of those ” A ha” moments came to me over the last few weeks and it was amazing to see things from a new fresh way. I was doing things for people that wouldn’t even think to do things like that for me. My business was suffering because I was thinking that I didn’t deserve to be a self sufficient business owner. Or people in my life are actually wanting to be a part of it and I shut them out because I overly trusted the wrong people in my life. I was believing lies that weren’t true.

I was watching others grow and I was there wishing that I possessed those skills to tell the wrong people in my life to piss off but in a much nicer way, but it also turns out that you sometimes need to be rough with others to remove them out of your life. The point is that I needed to move out of the complacent place in my life. Its time to move. The momentary emotions will pass but there is something bigger waiting for me past this moment. Its not my job to stay in one place. That is one thing that I love about myself, is that I accept the movement forward. I am still working on the emotional part. I know that we are not to stay in one place in our lives, we are called to do things and its our duty to live in that. I know that this moment for me is the hardest lesson is to not be fearful when saying goodbye to certain people in my life. God is making room for others to come in, not only for me to pour into them but for them to pour into me. God is my biggest fan… I do things for Him.

Right now, what does that look like for me? Well that means that I need to move forward. Allow the people that are not to be in my life at the moment to leave and make their exit. Allow myself to feel excited about the next move. Allow myself to put pen to paper make my plan and make it happen with His guidance. Allow myself to be hated or disliked, because we all know that is something that I have been getting used to lately in this season. I am living proof that no one has died from being unpopular or lied about etc. I am still here and standing because I leaned on His understanding and kept my faith through it all. To allow myself to accept the blessing that have come and yet to come.  Blessings look much different than what we assume blessings are at times. That has been my experience. Allow myself to smile. Allow myself to not solve everyones problems. Allow myself to have fun and not be so uptight. Allow myself to take a small moment for myself. Allow myself to just be in the moment. Allow myself to be coachable but not gullible. Allow myself to be humble but not a doormat. Allow myself a life worth living and see and experience things. Allow myself to accept successes in life. Allow myself to let things go and grow in a new way. Allow myself to love all of me, and work my ass off for the right and wise reasons.

Life is really short… and even though struggle with some things in life that others around me may not doesn’t mean that I am not deserving of some good. We all do, it just looks different to all of us. I am done with this phase and really grateful that I am walking out of this season wiser. I am going to let my freak flag fly…. haha and I accept that you may not accept me for me but I accept me.

Its time I walk out of my own shadow. Who is coming with me? I would like to hear your stories and feedback.

 

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Pink Panties

Last night, I was texting one of my longest friends of many many moons. Our friendship had a start like no other. I guess that is how a lot of new friendships start. Roxanne is her name. You’re singing the song aren’t you. Don’t lie we all know you are. I just did. We met working at McDonald’s. I didn’t think she liked me, I was right to assume that too. She was super helpful to me while we did work there. A lot of the cooks there would say a lot of inappropriate things to me in spanish and I had no idea, but she didn’t like me. I would find out soon enough.

We both worked with a young man who was her age and a year older than me, named Ivan. She really liked him and he liked me, and I liked another young man. Typical teenage stuff. Well, Ivan asked me out and I didn’t know how to say no, so I started dating him, and I also said yes to the boy I liked. Well, she confronted me, the same day that both of them confronted me. I told her everything and then she told me that she thought I only wanted to get to know her was because I wanted to date her brother. Hmmm no!! Not even in the same field. Then she told me about Ivan and I told her the whole drama that I put myself in. Nevertheless, I lost two boyfriends and gained a friend. All things were smoothed over and we were all able to move along and laugh about it.

So that is how we started being friends. So we were talking last night about all the things that have happened to us over the years. We have been through things that only her and I would find entertaining. Like the one time her and I went to the movies, just to come out and find that her car had been broken into. Her wallet was missing and she knew exactly who took it. I was pretty naive in thinking they wouldn’t do anything like that. But SHE KNEW and by golly she wasn’t going to allow that sort of thing happen to her. We got in the car, and I tried calming her but it wasn’t happening. She yelled in a moment of ” Oh HELL NO,” she said…. ” I am going to kick their ass with a bat and sword!!”  She meant that. I tried to hold back my giggles because she was furious. We pull up to her house and she goes into their garage thing, comes out with aluminum bat and a F-ing sword!!! Now granted she told me what she was going to do exactly but I didn’t think she actually had a sword…. She threw both items in the truck and off we went on a mission to kick these boys butts!! I couldn’t help but laugh… I mean this was really happening. She confronted them and to see the fear they had in their eyes was great. She got her wallet back, they kept the money but she got her important things back. I know for a fact that they wouldn’t ever do that to her again. I know I wouldn’t. I mean a sword y’all!! She went viking on them!

As we laughed about that, we were talking about her brothers wedding in Chicago in 2001. That was a fiasco but one we will never forget. We pulled an all nighter the night before at an under 21 club before we got on the plane. No doze were a part of the diet that night. We danced and had a blast once we were on the plane it was really hard not to fall asleep. When we got to our cross over in St. Louis we found a place to smoke cigarettes. Let me just say this.. They had a special place inside for smokers. I had never seen anything like that in my life, and I have flown all my life to various places, but never have I seen this. We walked in, more like crammed in with all the other smokers, nic fitters in this tiny glass box, as we light up we are on display for all to see, like we were animals at zoo… The looks people give to smokers is pretty crappy, but what did I care I was 18 and carefree of what people thought of me. We make our connecting flight, now, mind you Roxy has never really flown so the sense of urgency was real with her, the worry that flowed through her on that last leg was intense. We finally make it to O’Hare…. I will say this… I will avoid O’Hare at all costs! I really don’t like that airport… it is not user-friendly.

We are both tired, hungry and slightly slap happy. We get our luggage and I call for a cab to come get us. I have been on many transports from airports to hotels and this was the scariest ride I have ever been. I learned very quickly that drivers are ALWAYS in a rush to nowhere. Everyone uses their horns for pleasure as well as for function. I was grateful to make it in one piece. We check in without any issue and we ordered food, that was a complicated phone with two tired teens who just want food and sleep. Then her brother comes in and starts telling us how he doesn’t really want to get married but his wife is crazy and pregnant. That’s the short version. I even remember asking him …” Why are you doing it then?” he just simply stated that she would be shunned for being pregnant and not married. I guess they were already married, but they needed to make it official with her family and his and that no one else knew what was really happening. Her family had no idea she was pregnant. In their culture its was frowned upon in a big way, and he was also white. They were to have a Sikh wedding and all things needed to go smoothly and we were told to keep our mouths shut. Neither one of us liked his wife, she was rude and unkind, unlike her family they were very nice.

Now, with a their wedding we were customer fitted for our outfits. We had the whole nine y’all. I mean the head covering, down to the cool pants and tunics. Lots of gold and bright colors. I didn’t get to see my outfit until the day of. We kind of winged that whole situation, but I will get to that. The food we were served was all vegan, it was hard for us to not eat meat and to be polite. I was grateful to try something new but it wasn’t my thing. It smells so good but doesn’t taste like how it smells. Very deceiving and unfair. But whatever… we made it through. Her family kept us very busy so it was difficult to really get to sight see, but we managed to go to a Bahai temple, it was beautiful. Then it started raining and the walls started filling up with water, that was a new thing for me.

So let’s get to the day of… Her parents and us are hungry for the meats, and we are tired, hot and sticky, but we are ready for this wedding. We get to the brides house and ready to get dressed and that was something …. Her moms dressings were huge!! Her mom is like 4’9 and she was swimming on her. Roxy’s I think were okay, then mine were see through aqua….. See through …. my favorite color in transparent sheer aqua …. I am wearing neon pink underwear… we all just laugh… what else can we do… Nothing. I have to show off my chubby body in my favorite color sheer goodness with neon pink under-roos for all to see. Hundreds of people were at this gathering and I was all to eager to use my head dressings to just disappear. I didn’t have time to be embarrassed, I had no other choice but to own that whole situation. Their wedding was beautiful and went without a hitch. We ate and were all merry but we didn’t stay for the other activities. We wanted meat and to fill our faces with savory foods… okay okay we just wanted a really good burger. That is exactly what we did. I can’t tell you if we changed or not, I just remember eating and being on a meat High!! It was no joke… that burger was the best thing that was in my mouth that day!!

There are so many things that can bring a smile to my face and that is one of those memories for me. I have experienced many things in my life and there are times when I don’t think I live enough and to be honest there are so many other things that I want to experience. I know that I will one day, but I jump at the chance to travel. I love seeing, and experiencing new things, and cultures and places on this earth. I am so happy that I got to be a part of their wedding even though I didn’t approve but I wasn’t the one getting married. The wedding is something that I won’t ever forget, it was truly beautiful and something that I may never experience ever again. The vibrant colors, the closeness of all the families and friends bringing many blessings to the couple. I mean it was absolutely amazing. If you ever get the opportunity to go to a Sikh wedding.. DO IT!!

Now, I will never know if I was ever talked about with my neon panties on that day, but that goes to show you that they respected each other and me in that situation, at least they could talk in the privacy of their homes instead of saying anything to me about it. But damn I am glad I wore good underwear that day… Neon pink panties …. At least I matched and have this shared memory with Roxy.