When One Door Closes… Well You Know the Rest

Well the seasons are in full swing of change. For the last nine in a half months I have been shaken, bent, twirled, turned up side down, beat down, and other description words that are in connotation of character building seasons. The enemy even tried to uproot my faith, boy did he mess with the wrong follower of Christ Jesus. I think he forgets that Christ already defeated him and that HE has given me the authority to cast out Satans crazy. #NotTodayDevil

So lets recap.

My children hit a season of crisis. My daughters abuser is sentenced. Daughter goes to get the treatment that she needs in order to learn how to cope and manage with said trauma. Friend ends up getting arrested for a crime on the same day daughter goes to treatment. Other daughter ends up leaving to live with her Biological Mother. Weird friend who claims he was trained from Santa Claus for the Name of Jesus. #WhatInTheWorld. Personal business hits rock bottom. Friendships lost. Money problems hit the fan. Car breaks down times two. Sleepless nights. Those are the highlights for the most part. I love you all but some of the things are to be private. Haha

When this door to that season cracked open… wait.. it burst right open!! From the moment I was leaving for my trip to New Orleans. Literally fifteen minutes!! My sweet Buttons (My SUV) was stolen by one of the kids. All my friends that were in the car just waited to see what I was going to do. The opening of questions came. I can laugh about it now but then I knew they were like ” Uhmmm Kristal what are you going to do?” Two of the gals that have known me a long time we’re just kind of laughing because they know how I am. They knew that my children would be having a coming to Jesus moment with me. But I needed to keep time of travel and we were set back thirty minutes. If you don’t know I am a time person. TIME TIME TIME. Gotta hit that time window just right lol. Anyway, then while I was in New Orleans I saw a new side of some friends I have never seen before. Like ever. So my eyes were opening to something that was going to happen in very soon weeks at this point. I had no stinkin idea what was about to hit me. NONE what so ever. #BoutToCrashIntoABrickWallPeeps

When I say that one event happened after another I mean that. One right after another. Sometimes within the same hour! But let me tell you something. Although, all these events were happening God was 100% in the middle of everything doing some major heavenly heavy lifting. I made some mistakes along the way. The one thing that saved me from the get go was the following.

On one of the days that two major events happened in the same day, within two hours from one another. When I got home. I didn’t really talk to anyone. I walked to my room, closed the door sobbing and absolutely feeling broken. I grabbed my Bible and opened it to Proverbs. I knew that through all the tears what was happening supernaturally and The Holy Spirit was able to set me up for success by the simple action of making the choice to open my #BIBLE. Amen!! All the answers that I needed where in my life manual. Every single feeling I was having and how to calm the storm was right there in my Bible. Everyday, sometimes for hours I was completely engulfed in The Word.

I needed to know if how I was managing the situation with my children in a Godly way, and what He deems as such. I mean everything I needed answered or needed wisdom and guidance on was all there. Then how to move through this fire place. All was answered.

It was the first time in my life I made the conscious choice to talk to God first before saying or doing anything. I was in a state of full firey darts flinging at me at all sides. The one thing I knew I had front get go was my faith. #Faith yes!! My faith is so deeply rooted and what was spoken and shown to me was this tree. This tree was deeply rooted, and full of branches and some green for leaves. This tree was being pruned, and shaken. Anything that fell from that tree wasn’t suppose to be there. Some of those branches that were cut were hard but surrendering the sculptor to do what He needed to do to get the tree just as He needed to be. I was shown that no matter the storm, no matter how many leaves or branches came off that tree, That tree would only sway in the storm winds. It would only be slightly bruised, and dinged up but the tree won’t break!

I didn’t freak out, I stayed calm and knew that I was going to be okay. Mentally, physically, and spiritually I was going to be just fine. I accepted this truth and put on my figurative knee high boots because these storms waters were about to get really high before the storm recedes. I also knew that the blessing was going to come after the storm. I just had to obey, dig deep, lean on Him, seek His face, and hold on. I hold on for dear life.

I dug deeper in my prayer life. I asked God to plant the right people in my path that He wants for me. I confessed. I forgave and will always forgive as often as they all come. I asked for forgiveness from Him. So as I continue in all His blessings He has given to me in this stormy time of my life, I just want to say how grateful I am of His faithful relentless love He has for me. How is protects me. He absolutely loves me to bits. It’s mind blowing.

So during this time… Our SUV’s breakdown and or about too. Robert is out there in the driveway kicking his car, throwing things and yelling at it as if that is going to fix it. Haha I calmly walked away and applied for a loan. I have never applied for a loan much less bought a new car before. I was so scared. I wanted to fix the problem and He knew of this great need at this moment in our lives. I applied for the loan and within seconds we were approved. Now I have to tell Robert the news. I knew it wasn’t going to go over very well. The money was already in my account. I was going to buy that man a new truck that day whether he liked it or not. When I told him, just like I expected he freaked out with a thousand other questions. At this point I filled with joy and laughter to be honest. because He knows the needs, I dont have any doubt what so ever that we find the right truck for his need. And sure enough. I was lead to a website, found the truck and its sale price was lower than what the loan was for, surely that was for a reason. Robert doesn’t believe it. I call the dealership and they are shocked that I called about that particular truck because it was literally dropped off and into their inventory within that hour, and it was currently being inspected. I told them that I was buying that truck today and I would be there within a hour. Robert couldn’t believe what was happening. I’m not going to lie but he was reminding me of Doubting Thomas. Still I knew exactly what was happening. God was at work here. When we got to the dealership, we went to the back to see the truck. Rob was all in that trucks business because surely this is too good to be true. This truck even has the side tool boxes and other storage spots. Y’all it even has air conditioning. Something either of the cars had. That in itself is a blessing. So Robert is happy and praising me on such a good job. Silly man that was all GOD!! On a side note, just before we got there my beloved Buttons knew what was happening. I was trading her in for this gift. Do you remember the meme of where Jesus is asking the little girl for the teddy bear while concealing the bigger teddy bear behind his back? And she tells Jesus ” But I love it.” It was kind of like that. I loved Buttons and all her quirky ways. Right at the light across the street from the dealership she dies in the intersection. I speak loving words over her and she starts right up and we reach the destination safely. I tell her all the good she has done for me and family. She was about to get a face lift and go to another family and that is where she will bring them joy too.

Robert picks out new shoes for his truck and a couple of hours later we have signed papers and keys in hand. Now, we emptied all of the contents of Buttons. Or so I thought. So my daughters competitions gymnastic Leo’s were in there still. I even asked the guys if they got everything. Of course they said yes. Long story short, after a few phone calls and a very disappointed daughter, I got a phone saying that they were able to find the bag of Leo’s and we can pick them up. So don’t tell that isn’t God’s work. And excellent customer service!!

So here is another blessing. After some time away from my church family. I was able to have a meeting with my Lady Pastor. We sat down and had a heart to heart about somethings and we were able to hear each other’s out and where things were at that time. In same time my daughter was still rocky but she needed a church family to be in her life as well. So we started going to church again. My home church. It felt so nice. The enemy was telling me bad things before church that first morning going back. It was so nice to get in the car and drive there that morning. I worshiped with my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. My empty cup was being filled. My very own revival is being restored. #ThankYouJesus My daughter ending up coming up with me the next time. She would wear her earbuds while in church in defiance. That was until God spoke to her directly. Our Pastor was delivering his message that morning something amazing happened. He mentioned a song Unanswered Prayers by Garth Brooks. My daughter is slapping my arm, and I turned to her and right when he was talking about that song that very started playing on her phone!! She dedicated herself to church from that moment on. She stays involved her in youth group. The stirring of God within her is a blessing not only to her but to me as her mother. She recently was baptized in front of our entire church family. #Blessed #NewSisterInChristJesus

Now for me, I have always wanted to be a part of my church family and serve in the way God wants me too. I have had a habit of running towards goals instead of walking with Jesus and his pace. So He would remind to walk, to trust in his work and what he was planning. I absolutely love the ladies in my church and as I dove into the very first Bible study with them, I have gotten the privilege of getting to know these wonderful women. The study was amazing. Then we started the last Bible study for the season, and I was so honored when I was asked to close out the session in prayer. That was a huge thing for me. I felt so humbled and honor from that moment. I was able to help in the upcoming events that the church was doing. I feel like I am serving right where God wants me to.

I love my church. I love serving in new fresh ways. It has been a huge blessing. In spite of all the crazy things that have happened and will happen. I have learned valuable lessons that God presented to me when the storm was all around me. He used the attack that was on me and my family and worked it for His Glory and he worked it out for good. I was able to stand firm against opposing opinions, I was able to stand firm in my faith, I was able to stand in my weakness because He made me strong. He makes me strong. I have a new fresh start at something, new growth on those branches.

There are other things that He has taught me that I have a subject about at a later date. There was a time where I was trying to fix a situation and I was reminded to get out the way and let God do his thing because I wasn’t called to fix anything or anyone. So in that time as you found out last week that I applied for a job. I wasn’t sure at first because of the feeling I was having about it. Today I finished part of training for that job, but the momentum of this new thing that is happening is pushing me in a new way. IF you haven’t figured out yet, once I have tunnel vision on something there is no stopping this train of awesome called ME.

I love how God has used these situations for my good. Seriously, things that I doubted about myself. When I was rejected, opposed, judged, alone, scared and so many other things. He showed me that I was truly in fact accepted, that I wasn’t wrong and I was wiser, I wasn’t alone and that I was fully dependent on God. And with God with me under his protection, I was no longer scared and I was safe. I am embracing this new growth and seeing where it will take me. I have embraced this walk as a learning thing, and grew that much more in my faith.

If you are going through something right now, I encourage you to hold on. The blessing is coming. Just keep holding on. Don’t let go dear one. Don’t let go. Open your Bible and seek the answers. Prayer hard and boldly. Lean on His understanding and not your own. Take care of yourself. Take the time to see the blessings in the storm. Don’t focus on the bad that is happening focus on the new growth that is taking place. Look at it as an opportunity of learning something new about you and your situation. Hope. Faith. Love. Surrender it all to God. He’s got you. You’re loved, you are able, you are amazing, you’re stronger than you believe, You’re stronger with Him than alone, and you matter. You are valued, you are forgiven.

Side note… about a month or so ago I received a phone call from my Mom and Step Dad bought me a car. God knows your needs and He will provide!! When we bought the truck it was for Robert so we were down a car. Talk about blessings from Him. I’m grateful for my parents and all that they have done for me. They are so incredibly loved by me. God knows. #ThanksFather #ThankYouParents

Take care..

Kris

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Hey there… It’s been awhile.

It’s been awhile since I have written. It tends to happen when something big happens in life. In my life that is. I have to process things and spend a lot of time with Jesus. It’s a process of what ifs and why’s and then a lot of forgiveness. So what have I been up to since the last time I have written you ask?

After the sentencing hearing, I had spend a lot in time in prayer. Seeking answers and actual direction of where I am to go next with the knowledge that I have gotten. This new fresh wave of information of how fallen the world really is. How there is so many broken people in this world. Just because I am Christian doesn’t mean that I am perfect or anything, it means that I rely on Jesus to walk me through my issues. I have plenty of things that need to be worked on too. That included the brokenness that I had that day I walked out of that court house. But there was something great that happened in all that processing work, I forgave. I didn’t lean on my own understanding of the situation, but instead trust God that he is working it out for the good. I also started working on bringing some awareness of the dangers our children face in this fast world that we all live in. I had to let go of some controlling things about me trying to protect and reel in that passion a little. I can’t come guns a blazin on a soap box. That isn’t good ya know. I had to take personal inventory of where I was emotionally, mentally, spiritually and whether I am taking care of myself too in all this.

I leaned on the Word, Church and my church family, my friends and family through that time. My passion for bringing awareness won’t ever stop, I just needed to find a better approach to bring awareness. I want to help educate parents and be a soundboard of support. The same way so many others were there for me.

Another thing that happened while I have been absent was a great Bible study by Beth Moore, The Patriarchs. Wow, talk about being filled. I have a hunger as it is already for the Word but to go into such depth was so good. I have the most wonderful opportunity to meet new women at the study and get to know them. I’m so incredibly grateful for those moments and the moments to come with these ladies. They are my tribe. Not to mention the new friendships that I have been so blessed to have currently. I mean seriously awesome Women. They have been so there for me in a real honest way and so welcoming and some have been so impactful in my life and didn’t even know it. So here is a small shout out to some of those women. Dee, Tara, Ramie, Julie, Melanie, Lanessa and Lindsay. You ladies inspire me, motivate me, edify me, teach me, pray with me and for me, support me. I respect you and admire you and love watching all the great things that God has done for you, and all the great works you’ve done and called to do. Seriously amazing women. I’m super grateful that God chose y’all to do life with in some way or another.

Of course I’m still very much going through a difficult season but I try not to focus on all the negative, instead I focus on the work that He is doing within me. The stretch and squeeze to be a better person. I welcome these moments because I know that he is with me and walking with me through this very tough time. There is nothing easy about this walk, but I seek His face in these times. I have faced fear so many times since August, and it still doesn’t feel easy doing it. Because each time I have faced fear it has come in a new way. I know that God is working this out for my good however that looks like. He knows what is best for me and I don’t dare take that from him. Instead, I welcome the teaching moment. For instance, talking in open court was so scary, and allowing the words come out of my mouth was so incredibly hard. Or watching my daughter falling a part and feeling incredibly helpless in those moments and not knowing where to go with those emotions for myself. Or watching a close friend of mine being arrested and watching relationships fall completely a part and being judged myself alone for being a friend to this person. Or only having $40 to put food on the table. Or being blamed for things I have no part in whatsoever. Not once did I blame someone for what I was going through. Instead, I opened my Bible, my life manual. I literally searched high and low for comfort and instruction. I got it too. I trust God in all areas of my life. And I mean everything. Even through my tears of doubt, sadness, frustration, helplessness, I mean you name it. I have encountered every stinking emotion through this season, and still do at times. But the one thing that was given to me every time, was that I was not to be afraid. He was doing a great big pruning in my life and still doing so. I mean I have questioned myself on every bad thing I have ever done right down to stealing my favorite candy bar when I was six years old. And when I was praying about stuff and I am pretty sure I didn’t leave room to listen a few times, but He always finds a way to get to you doesn’t he? He will leave the 99 to find you boo boo. “Trust God and do good,” was a great reminder as I watching Joyce Meyers on the YouTube. So simple and yet so profound. And that was an answer I needed to hear right in that moment.

The one thing I can say is this, through all parts of my life and all seasons, I will always rely on Him.

I have been diving into the new book by Christine Caine called Unexpected. And let me tell you …. this book is so right on. She talks about #EmbracingTheUnexpected. Because of course the unexpected is coming!

She talks about her own story and the overcoming of hardships in her life, and there are other people in the book that share their stories of how God has been sooo in the middle of the pain, chaos, sadness, I mean you name it. Fear, I mean the list goes on and on of all the crazy emotional roads we can go on, but more importantly how God was totally in the middle and working things out for their good. Anticipating the unexpected and trusting in God in all of it, really releases a new kind of management in the situation. We dont have to rely on ourselves to get through the situation. We have to do work of course through those moments but God does all the heavy lifting. What is super amazing is that He knew it was coming and knows the end result. The victory is already won, the path was already made straight, He knew all the players and how it was going to turn out. You’re job is to hold on tight, scoot close, press into, TRUST HIM as he stands with you, walks with you, and delivers you out of the situation. Even when you encounter a situation that is NOT Gods doing He WILL give you an exit out of the situation, and still use that situation for something great and good. HOW wonderful is HE!! I mean seriously. He is AWESOME!

There are so many times that I wish I could share in detail of what I am going through so that maybe someone would understand how He has gotten me through so much and still does. Like I keep telling myself this season will be over soon, It’s coming to end and then something else happens. Now I just giggle and accept and dig in and on the days that its not so easy to giggle I seek Him first. I used to be afraid to ask for God’s mercy, but he knows my heart better than I do. He knows exactly what I can handle, and He makes me strong in my weaknesses. He has a purpose for me and my life. He knows what I am doing, and He knows where I am going.

I have been blessed in that a couple of years ago, before my deliverance was complete, I asked Him to show me a glimpse of what my future was. I will never forget what He showed me that day. But I did, but not in the way that you may think.

Genesis 12:1-3 is where God was telling Abram (Abraham) of a promise. He told Abram that he would become a great nation. That is the short end of it. Even through all that Abraham gone through there were times where fear was very much there too. At times there were moments that they would forget that God has given them their promise when in the midst of the chaos, then they would remember and have an Oh yeah moment.

This is so relatable to me because I have been blessed in that God showed me my promise and I forgotten that when I was knee deep in yuckiness in this season. And the more I got to know Gods Word I felt more at ease because He already showed me where I was going to be, but I still have to go through things. I have learn what He wants me to learn. I still have to trust in Him in all ways good and bad and all things in between. There are even things that I have had to accept radically and trust that it was the right thing. I have had to learn that I don’t need to take everything on personally, that some journeys are for that other person to go through and its not my place to fix it. Or when I was called to help someone I was scared to help. Learning balance and making that active in my life. To fully step into my calling and declare it. He didn’t ask for my qualifications, He asked me to trust.

For instance, I am a writer. I know that I have a lot of work I need to do to be a better one, but I was called to write. I can’t tell you how many times that writing has come up in my life. The first real writing I started doing was when I was twelve on a vacation to Jamaica. I have been writing since. Not only that, I talk all the time. I have to be mindful to not talk so much. My first words were shut up, so from the very beginning I was different and meant to be so. I am not sure how God is going to use that but I know he will. #KristalTalksTooMuch I was called to be this way. I am more comfortable in my skin today than I have ever been. That’s because of Him and trusting. But I wasn’t given these gifts to stay quiet about them. I haven’t been comfortable talking about myself as a writer until recent times. There is a reason for that. I was afraid of being judged and rejected. And through this season I have been rejected a lot and judged, but God was there for me and made me strong. He showed me that I am stronger with Him and in fact that I don’t always have to be liked to be accepted because my anchor isn’t in their opinions and rejections. My anchor is in Christ.

I choose not to doubt myself anymore. I choose to believe. I choose to move forward and not stay stuck like the enemy wants me too. I choose to believe that God is going to use my uniqueness for good because He is good. I choose to believe that God loves all of me. I choose Him.

May you experience the Love of Christ, then you’ll be made complete with all the fullness of Life” Ephesians 3:19

He is life. He is love. He is I Am.

Finally I can speak about it… It’s time to Rise UP!!!

I can finally talk about something that is close to my heart, that has affected so many people. I am finally going to open up about a very sensitive subject. I will talk about my story then go from there. Buckle up buttercups.

Like so many young women in my age group, and maybe its still a thing, but I wanted to wait to have sex until marriage. At the age of thirteen that was stolen from me by a young man I was going to end up going to school with. I can tell you all the things that I lost that day, my virtue was taken from me, my friends turned there back on me, I was quickly isolated, and I lost my boyfriend at the time. I was made fun of a lot and I was isolated and forced to find different group of friends. That event that happened in my life doesn’t hurt me anymore, because I have been healed and restored from that time. God was able to turn that bad situation into a good one.

So lets fast forward to present day. I now have kids of my own, and the danger of predators is on a whole new level. The world that all kids live in is a fast moving one. There is social media that has brought on a whole different disconnect and connect to people. From my experience there are a lot of kids that are not really into the connection of face to face interaction with other people. Especially new people. It is easier to connect to someone in what they think is a safer place over social media or other media as long as its not face to face in the moment. Talking on the phone is also taboo to them unless its their friends. My teens think that I am “Old School,” and that all of those things are old people ways. No one talks on the phone anymore, no one does weird old people stuff like that anymore. Nevertheless, I have tried to get my kids to be smarter about this day and age of things. Like don’t send “Nudes,” ever because those will never go away. Don’t be forced to do things are not wanting or ready to do. Make safe choices when you are away from home, and don’t ever feel that you can’t reach out when things go bad. That’s just to name a few. Now keep in mind that I am a young mom, and the age difference between me and my oldest is 17 years. That isnt really anything. I am aware that kids will do whatever they want in the moment it happens. We all want to believe that our children are going to use the tools that we have given them and make good choices in the moment. Unfortunately, that is not always the case.

So I am one of those parents that goes through my kids phones and rooms and whatnot. One day some time ago I went through my daughters phone, upon going through her phone I discovered a very disturbing text on her phone. It was through Snapchat, I didnt want to confront her while we were celebrating a holiday with family. I wanted to wait until we got home to ask some very hard questions. Unfortunately, she opened the message right after I did and other family members saw that message as well. Which started a very hard discussion openly. I sent her away after giving her a hug and letting her know that we will be talking about this when we got home. From that moment on there was a changing in our lives.

A grown man asked my daughter to send nudes to let him know that she was safe, and a picture photo of a grown couple working out with a caption saying ” this could be us but I would get a boner.” Now ask yourself what would you do? Where would you start? What would you ask your child? How would you feel? I will tell you exactly what I did, and what I felt, what I asked, and what my journey has been since then.

This has been a journey I have been on for quite some time now. When I saw these, I was in shock. Composed on the outside but shocked. Like was I really seeing what I was in that moment. YES I was!! This was happening to my child. This is happening this is really happening. What am I going to do and say to her? There was a plethora of feelings and way more questions than answers at that moment. But the one thing that was constant that I have to do something. So after a very hard discussion with my daughter and reading all the messages for nearly two years, of grooming, my mind was firm on what I was going to do. I comforted my daughter as much I can. I asked her if she was ever going to say anything to anyone about this and she told me NO. I’m sure so many of you are asking yourself, ” Kristal you just said that you are a parent that goes through your Childrens things, and this has been happening for nearly two years.” Yes that is true 100% but my daughter wasn’t living with me at the time. She was living with her side of the family. To whom were very close to her abuser. The very same people who blamed her, called her a liar, and eventually kicked her out of the house, and she came to live with me. But that is getting ahead of the story.

She saved their conversation over Snapchat for that time, the only thing that isn’t saved are the videos that come through. In another words, the Snapchat video are meant to not be seen again once they have been played, there are times when you can see the video again, but its only once more. And That’s it folks. Now, to disclose another tidbit about this man. This man had been a part of her life for a long long long time. He was the best friends of her family on that side. He was also in law enforcement. I will say right here and now, That I support police and all law enforcement. One “bad apple,” doesn’t overshadow the great works that law enforcement does everyday. You don’t have to like my opinion and I respect that. So what he had done was use her bad living situation as his way in. He used his authority status to build a deeper relationship with her. Hence grooming her, he had her isolated in a relationship via social media. He would visit her and her family on that side, and even help them out by helping buy food and pay for their rent. He would counsel her when her home life on that side got physical or mentally overwhelming or abusive. As their “relationship” grew he would say things like ” Just ask your parents how good of a man I am, I will always be there for you.” Or He would say ” Just remember that I love you, and you do have a cute butt, have a great day” So things like that, it went on and on, he would send memes that were relatable to the things or characters that my daughter liked. Overall, he was waiting for her to give him permission to “Be” with her. I asked hard questions like, Is this consensual? How does this make you feel? Her response was this, Its doesn’t make me feel good, I feel awkward when he sends things like that Mom thats why I started saving the messages because it feels wrong, and I cant tell anyone at my house because they are close friends with him, they will take his side. And he is a cop mom. That’s why I changed the subject or not talk for a bit to him.” Talk about heartbreak. She was completely alone. Then she disclosed that he also befriended her friends. I later found out that he also befriended another family member of mine. They were the same age as my daughter at the time.

She trusted this man at first. She would consider him an Uncle to her. That is how she identified him. He had no familiar ties with her what so ever. But lets face it, that is what Sexual predators do. They become a part of their lives intimately, groom them, create a trust between them, isolate them in some fashion.

So here I am with this information, now what to do with it. Here’s what I knew then.

  • He is a police officer
  • He is grooming my daughter
  • He is sending inappropriate messages to my daughter
  • He lives in my area
  • He is extremely close to her family on that side
  • She is isolated and will not have support on that side of the family
  • He has no intentions of stopping
  • She needs help, needs a voice to help her, I need to be that voice.
  • I need a plan of action

The next steps had to very careful and delicate. I had to reach out to someone I trusted and I needed courage. I reached out to someone that I trust with my life. They reached out to someone they trusted, and I said nothing to no one else. I met with a Detective the next day, and told the whole story of all that I knew at that point. I then called the department where this man worked and talked to his boss’s boss. I went as high as I could to tell them what was happening. That day I had a State Policeman who specializes in this realm and his boss sitting in my kitchen. There was a point where, I saw the disbelief on his bosses face and what looked to be confusion. I was asked what my intentions were for speaking about this. My answer was this. If he isn’t doing anything wrong then the investigation would show that, but if he is then I am bringing awareness to the situation and bringing it out of the dark and into light. People like him are sick, but I am not doing this for him, I am doing this for my daughter, and her friend. If he is doing this to her he is doing it to others. This is much bigger than just my daughter. If he is doing something this is for the victims of his past, present and future. No matter what, it needed to bring awareness.

Someone needed to be the voice. I learned that some of the laws for such an event like this are very gray. There are a lot of loopholes. He would eventually would “resign,” from his job, which set off another set of events for my daughter and her departure from that side of the family to live with me. He was not to talk to her, and yet he still did and in a group message with her parents on that side of that family. The last thing he told my daughter was this. ” If you want to talk to me, you will have to say ‘In regards to the family,’ and when you turn 18 we will resume our relationship.” She didn’t respond. My blood boiled.

Nothing was done at that point in regards to the texts because there is a huge gray area pertaining to such things via media like that. Soon thereafter, someone else came forward about him and regarding physical touch. Molestation. My daughter came forward as well. He touched her too. Keep in mind that a lot of victims do not come forward or it takes a lot of time for them to come forward. There is a lot of work that has to happen in order for anyone to feel safe to open up about it.

So, he would soon be arrested very publicly. There was even a live fb feed of his arrest. I did all that I needed to do to ensure that my daughter wouldn’t see it, but her step mother called to let her know that he was just arrested. Now she falls a part even more. I will get to that in a moment. In the moment of watching this story, our story on the 6 o’ clock news was a tough pill to swallow. No one tells you what it feels and looks like on the other end of things. No one can tell you what to expect. No one. It was the talk of the town, and I cant tell you how many people I came across that just wanted to talk to me about this case and couldn’t say anything or even let on that I was involved. I had to put on a very convincing mask and learn to have none committal answers. Very few people knew what actually happened or was happening. There still is some misinformation that surrounds what actually happened.

Well now this is all happening, I called the school and got some resources in place for my daughter including a therapist. Keeping her involved in the community and building a life here. But lets face it. Once her school peers found out at her new school that was it. You have no idea what its like to watch your daughter, or child fall a part because she feels so much shame and guilt. She blamed herself. She was told by peers that she enjoyed being touched by older men and to just accept it. Kids can very cruel to someone at times. Hearing her cry over the phone because her peers said certain things. Or some of her family blaming her, that she should of kept her mouth shut or lie to make it all stop because this is all her fault. Now mind you, she didn’t say anything, she was going to live with this darkness the rest of her life. I said something initially, I made the choice to involve police, I made the choice to speak. Not her. She asked me point blank” Mom what did I do to deserve this? Do I dress in a way that makes me a target? Why did he do this to me?” I would build her back up. But it wouldn’t last because her self worth, self esteem, her hopes, her dreams, her life was torn down to nothing. To a point where she has selfed harmed, and even attempted suicide more times in the last 9 months, because there is a constant reminders all around her, there are triggers all around her. She will do good for a little bit then it comes crashing again. No one ever wants to talk about how things like this affect someone. I am not afraid to talk about it, this is a life sentence for those who are victimized. LIFE SENTENCE!!! This is something she will have to work through the rest of her life. Rest of herrrr life!! A sexual predator doesn’t care about how it hurts their victims, they are seeking their sick pleasures. They don’t have empathy for what they’ve done. NONE!! The impact this does to a victim is overwhelming. The hard work for the victim and their families is overwhelming. So why am I talking about it now?

His sentencing was yesterday, and he was facing 25 years in prison for what he did. He was sentenced to 5 years in prison, and 16 years of probation. Let that sink in a little bit. How does that make you feel? How does that sit with you? How does that sit on your heart? How would that sit with you if it were your child or children?

And with good time up to 85% means that he will spend less than that in prison. He will have to register as a sex offender for the rest of his life. How does that make you feel about the protection of our children? A person who is in possession with a drug gets more time than someone who sexually assaulted your child. My fight for this didn’t end yesterday. The chapter of that event closed yesterday, but my fight has not stopped. Its just the beginning for me and as for my daughter, the fight is everyday. Everyday she will fight for her life. Everyday she will fight to have a happy, healthy life where she will know that she is loved, worth it, and enough. She will fight everyday to know she Who deserves great blessings and beautiful life and love. My heart broke yesterday but yesterday standing in front of the judge saying what I needed to say, and I almost felt that I stood alone in that moment. I know there were others who felt the same way I did, and would have said more than I did. I know I wasn’t alone in fighting for justice for not only my daughter but any others. I was empowered to say those things because I needed to be a voice. I will still be a voice and I will continue to make awareness to everyone I can. Its time we rise up.

If you are a parent reading this, I encourage you right now, to learn all that you can about social media and what your child is doing. This includes not only social media but gaming. I encourage you to ask those hard questions. I encourage you to get involved. I encourage you to speak out and up. If you are someone who has been victimized, I am so sorry, I know what you are going though, I will empower you to reach out and say something, your story matters. You don’t know how your story will reach others to help them and empower them to stand tall and keep fighting the good fight of healing and restoration. You are worth it and worthy of great things. I encourage everyone to read and research all that you can about this. Its real and it really happens. More than anything you’re not alone. You need to have support and you deserve it. We can turn victims into overcomers and survivors. We can make a difference. Feel free to reach out to me.

My Christmas Card 2017

Merry Christmas everyone. We are just 9 days and some change away from 2018. I know! I can’t believe it either. I feel like the year started with a new beginning of a year of change. Yes the year of change. The year of growth. I know for me it has felt that way. My 2017 year started with quite a wake up call for me as a mother. I was given a load to carry and to see it through. That was my assignment. It was the start of many hard loads to carry. I knew I had to speak up for the one for the many. Due to its nature I can’t yet speak about it. But it is definitely something that I will tackle when I am told that I can. It was a situation where I was on the outside looking in, like ” This happens to other people, and now I know what other people feel like.” It was scary at first, but I overcame the fear of opening my mouth and saying something about it. I look forward to sharing that experience with you all in the future.

Then my daughter and step daughter came to live with us full time. We went from being an empty nest to having company. It was an exciting time for everyone. We were all getting to know each other and how things work in my house. Rules, boundaries, limitations and expectations. For awhile it worked like well oiled machine. Everyone knew what they needed to do and when. Then a quick shift happened. And that is when the new assignment came… survive! Hahaha. I have three teens and two pre-teens. I am a full believer in it takes a village to raise kids. If I had to go through this alone I might end up back in rehab. I’m joking. There are some moments where I wasn’t sure if I was going to make it. I have learned a lot from my two teen daughters. Adolescents are toddlers with hormones. I mean that with all sincerity in my heart, but dang!! I learned that I really have to rely on Him all the time, otherwise, things might have gotten worse. But He doesn’t give us more than what we can carry right?! (John 16:12 NIV) He is pretty mindful of what you can carry, and He is able to help you grow through the rough stuff because He walks with us in all situations. I had referenced to the book of Proverbs a lot. To ensure that I am doing all that I can and I am being a good mom regardless how many times I was told otherwise. Which was a lot!! But I stayed within my faith first, and worked through it in confidence that I was doing the wise thing. I was super unpopular within these four walls, but in my heart I was okay with that. Teens in this day and age have a lot of new things thrown at them; much different than even seventeen short years ago. I so badly want to talk about everything that has happened, but what I can tell you is, It was a lot of darts at my back, my home, my kids right down to the dogs. It is a lot calmer, but nowhere close to being calm or peaceful. Having teen daughters so close in age is HARD!!! Like you need to be expert level in parenting. Especially since both girls have grown worlds a part. There is a lot of people affected, and we all have to work together in our own to make something work. I trust in my faith that we will work through it and we will survive. It takes a lot of work to keep the peace. A lot of letting go of certain things, and a large village. Unfortunately, there is still a lot of separation, but I feel that is temporary. God is working in everyone in their own ways. I learned to talk to others about what’s going on. Community is so important. I learned not to “Throw in the towel.” thanks Mom I learned how to step back when and where I needed too. Not an easy lesson to learn. I also had to learn was am I doing this for myself or for them. Was I wanting credit for knowing everything or was I maybe insulting the other adults in the same situation as me? It made realize that I need to really put myself in check at times, and allow somethings to happen. This has been the biggest part of my year, focused on the kids. I am blessed to have all my children, and my step children … even if they don’t know it, they were an answered prayer. So thank you Lord. Regardless of what they are going through I love them, and want nothing but the best for them.

Then I went to New Orleans for a few days, and was gone for about a week. It was a lot of fun, and which I then start noticing a new trend of things. Like my eyes were starting to open to a new light. I realized how much fun a road trip is across a thousand miles. Almost getting the Zika in Arkansas, the skeeters there are HUGE!! I was tired and I just shouted that in the middle of an empty convenient store. The poor clerk couldn’t stop laughing. It was also the middle of the night. In parts of Louisiana they farm their corn in sideways. It’s always wet, which is nice. I don’t mind that. That’s just some memories. I really wanted to go to Duck Commander and didn’t get to this time, but maybe next time. I also realized that my friend Kateri and I really didn’t sleep a whole lot. Haha. But I learned that I want to get to know so many people, I want to forge strong friends with others that I look up to, gals who are liked minded, I want to make memories with some new friends that I have been too afraid to tell them, ” hey I want to be your friend, want to hang out sometime?” That has been happening lately, and it feels good. This was a turning point for me in this year, when I came back from New Orleans there was a fast lane of life headed my way and I had no idea.

What happened in all that time from August to present has me even know in awe of this year and all that I have endured. Both good and bad. We were blessed with getting a new truck after a long time of not knowing if we could. We were blessed with that gift and that payment. Haha but now we have a reliable mode of transportation. I was sad to see buttons go ( my old ford) but it was time. Now we have Peter, the new white truck. I am taking better care of myself. I am looking fear in the face and telling it to kindly move because it is hindering my journey. I am going back to church, which is a blessing in itself. I am putting myself out there, and accepting when a door closes on something not to go back to it. It’s closed and it has served its purpose. I am getting better at saying what I mean when I say it. I hope to learn more about my gifts that were given to me. I was reminded of my purpose, which is to write, and write some more. Learn more, experience more, take care of myself in order to take care of others, love, be compassionate, be assertive, discernment and really getting my life back. It was highjacked for a little bit. But man to end this year like this is a blessing. I know that I went through this to learn these things and so much more. I am a better person for it. I mean I am really taking care of myself in a new fresh way. I am losing weight, both physically and in all areas in my life that I needed to lose some weight. I mean I inspire myself sometimes, ” Good job Kristal for treating yourself good today.” I am becoming disciplined in a new way. I know that all that I have gone through good and bad was setting me up for something in the future. I really believe that. Life is so much more than the enemy darts coming your way. (Matthew 6:25 NIV) I know I am taken care of. Love yourself that way you can love others the same way … Would you treat someone the way you treat yourself? (Matthew 22:39 NIV) I know I wouldn’t treat anyone they way I have treated myself lately…. So I take care of me first, and I don’t feel selfish for it. Because I know I am in a much better place to help others when the time is right.

This year has been a good one. I am able to see the joy in all of it. I look forward to what 2018 brings. No matter what, it starts with me and where I am going in this journey. I look forward to writing myself a letter on my anniversary thats coming up, and I cant wait to read it in a years time. But first Jesus’ birthday shindig first.

Regardless of all the “bad things,” that happened this year, it was a great season. I grew up a little bit more, became more mature in my walk. Learned so much. Weeding your theoretical garden of life is a must. If its a weed,pull it. It might hurt but your garden will appreciate you doing it. You’ll be able to grow something new in that good soil, because you made some room. Love yourself everyday. Forgive often, maybe a lot. But live!! Not just survive to the next moment. I rather have a floaty in flood waters than nothing at all.

Kristal xx

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Talk about it Tuesday

Well, things are just moving right along y’all. I feel like I am finally getting my groove in things. I knew the season would be winding down. It has been a crazy 6-8 months of life for me. Not that I am counting or anything, and not to say that things are roses and rainbows, but they do feel not so overwhelming. I don’t feel that the other shoe is about to drop. We all have those moments right?! Like what else could happen? When actually its not our job to really know what the future holds. Today has its own problems, can’t worry about tomorrow. (Matthew 6:24 NIV) And with a lot of practice of being mindful and being in the present moment helps a ton with being grounded.

I can recognize and accept the emotions that come with the situation, but not be consumed by them. Now for me unlike other healthy people, it still takes me a while to work through situations and the emotions that come with that. Sometimes even days and weeks, especially if its a big ordeal. It’s the one time I actually have to fight back the old ways of coping. Like full on OCD blowout to just cope. It’s like a frantic cleaning, freak out then go back to cleaning, setting rules and limitations for everyone, then back to over doing the rituals over and over. Now, I know doing those things don’t actually help me or benefit me as a person. It does however get all the cleaning and gets the things I need or want evened out, or the trash all out of the way at once. Or I will try to read and research a something until its almost tunnel vision when I am trying to cope. It’s really unhealthy. At least now I am in a place where its not so extreme at all, I really rely on Him first, then do things in moderation until I am able to calm down, and figure out what I need to do and feel better.

So, that isn’t what I wanted to talk about. My second year anniversary is coming up with my recovery. It’s a super emotionally filled mine field at times. This year is no exception, in fact more traumatic events happened in this part of the year. Let me back up … This is the hardest time of year because three years ago is when I was going through one of the toughest times in my life. I lost Granddaddy, I was over working myself in a job I loved, I was going through a tough time in my marriage, I was going through something with my kids that I still won’t really talk about, and then my boys moved out right before Christmas to their dads, and I couldn’t hold it anymore and finally attempted suicide. Twice! That’s why its a hard time this time of year for me in a nutshell.

So the first year of recovery at this time of year, I was basically living in bed, hopeless and full of sadness. I didn’t want to shower, I was only leaving my bed to get some food to bring back to my room, all activities stopped. I didn’t even know I was doing it until I was called out about it. Then I was like “Oh, what am I doing?!” I was able from that moment really SEE what I was doing and use the skills that I was learning and applying to get myself out of bed and live. This year, there have been new events that have added to this time of year, and I was internally freaking out a bit. Because I knew going into this time of year that I can’t live in bed, or not shower, among other things. Then other things started happening and it felt like chaos!!

So I needed to put all I knew into action and use this time to really put my weaker practices into action as well. More importantly I needed to stay as grounded as possible. GROUNDED!! I needed to be the deeply rooted tree in the storm. I needed to be able to sway in the storm but stay rooted. I knew I might lose some of my leaves and branches but I needed to see the joy and that maybe I needed some pruning. See what I did there. Haha So I stayed rooted in my faith, hope and the love He has for me. Seek direction in the Word of God, and get a lot of guidance and not be afraid. Another thing was to talk about it. I searched for a therapist that could help someone in my situation, and I couldn’t find one that could help me. I can’t always take up my support systems time, so I was able to call the suicide hotline ( 1-800-273-8255, https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ ) on those really bad nights. They were able to help me when I needed. Then I was able to talk with some friends about stuff, and it was nice to see things in a new fresh way. But no matter what I still needed to go through the emotional part of things and actually go through it all and at my pace. Which I am doing. I still get sad but I dont sit in the sadness all day. I recognize that I am feeling that emotion and express that and do what I need to do to cope. #SelfCare #SelfLove

So a friend of mine reached out to me a couple of weeks ago asking if I was okay, because there was a trend there where I wasn’t doing what I normally do. Once again, I was reminded in that moment to be aware of what I am doing or not doing in this time. Sometimes it takes someone from the outside to call me out, and she did. I confided in her on what was on my mind and what I was going through and that my anniversary was coming up; what she said to me impacted me. She told me to celebrate it. I never thought about it in that way. I thought about it like ” Just survive it Kristal once its past you’ll be fine.” But to celebrate it… whoa my mind was blown. God was telling me something and delivered the message through her. #PraiseGodandHisGoodWork #ThanksMelinda So I what did with that nugget of good ol LOVE, was really celebrate the days coming as that date approaches. By really loving myself. I am blessed to have such great friends in my life. They are an answered prayer. He keeps on giving. So for those of you who are in a place that is hard to cope in this time of year I have this to say.

I know what you may be feeling. I may not know your situation or what you are going through, but the emotional parts I hear you. They aren’t forever, they too move on to a different emotion and it keeps going. I encourage you to get out of bed, whatever small or big reason you give yourself to make that a action happen do it. If it means, that you need to eat breakfast and smell like a clean human, and thats your motivation to get out of bed, then do it. I encourage you to reach out to talk to someone. Sometimes we just need to unload all that baggage and need someone to listen. Trust in faith that someone in your life wants to listen and be there for you, let them and give yourself the permission to allow them to do it for you. If you dont have anyone or feel that you dont, call the hotline. I think they even have it to where you can text now. Do something to make yourself feel good, like getting flowers, draw, take a bath, make some cookies, watch a silly movie. Just to name a few. Find joy in the moments that you do for yourself. And if you’re in a place where you’ve lost someone too, celebrate all the great things this person has done or made you feel while they were here. When Granddaddy passed I mourned his loss for a long time. I still cry when I think of him not being here, but I also remember all the silliness and how loving he was. That man loved me and that is what I remember and hold on too. I don’t have all the answers but I know this time of year is hard on a lot of people all around the world. If you are reading this and you are one of those people, you are not alone. If you are reading this and know someone who is going through a hard time during this season, reach out to them, you never know what your presence means to them. You might be exactly what they needed in this time of their live. Love each other, be kind and be good to yourself and each other. Be light in the dark.

With that said have a great day and smile.

With love,

Kristal

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Getting into the Rhythm even when you dont have Rhythm

Last Sunday durning my church service, My pastor was teaching about the Rhythm of Christmas. I felt it was interesting when he was teaching this in the following perpestive. I wasn’t sure how the music lesson was going to tie into Jesus. I loved the whole thing. I learned that I may never be a drummer, and I would be that one band member that would always be a little off. I used to play in Orchestra our conductor kept our time along with our foot, but I am not sure that it was really a proper etiquette in orchestra; I’m not really sure, moving. Orchestra I understand, but if I were to learn to play the drums I would have to have mass amounts of practice and lessons. Over and over until I got it and it was second nature. Which makes total sense when we apply it to everyday in our lives. Eureka I got it!!

I am one of those musically inclined people, if you want to call it that, I am that person that can hear it and play it to hear a mistake or something is off. I also learned that not everyone has that gift, just like I don’t posses the gift of being a drummer the keeper of time. So keep this in mind as I go through this moment. On a side not I am in constant reminder of the anchor… I need the anchor. (Hebrews 6:19) Jesus is my anchor and reminder to go at his pace, or to slow down and stay grounded with Him.

After church and getting my daily bread, I look back on my notes and the scriptures and I try to apply it to my life. Like really apply it. In this case, how do I stay in sync with God and how can I use the reference to music to understand and apply it.

Here’s my take. When I LISTEN to music, I am able to HEAR the conversation between instruments and media used to create the SOUND. Then I am able to COMPREHENDED what the singer or artist ( If there is one) is interpreting for us to be able to hear what the conversation is all about. Maybe its weird but that is how I hear music. When its a song that touches me, its because I am able to hear the entire conversation of the song and it touches my heart. You know the mood, the feelings, the story. Or I am able to take on my own interpretation of what the song is trying to say. In another words, I am digging in deeper and hearing all the sounds of the story being told.

Have you ever been in a mood that you couldn’t quite put your finger on, and you’re searching for a song to match what you’re feeling and you just can’t find that song? Yeah me too. Sometimes I feel that we can get that way in our lives. Nothing seems to sync up just right and we search and search to feed that moment. To satisfy that hunger. To make sense of what’s happening right? Bear with me. God has a reason for this, and sometimes He is moving the band around, but it is still playing great music, even if we can’t hear it like He does. God calls us to have a relationship with Him and Jesus is the heartbeat. ” He started the heartbeat of Jesus.” Y’all, when my Pastor said this, he put his hand to his chest , Thump thump…. thump thump…Je-sus Je-sus …. Je-sus Je-sus… That made so much sense to me. The gift that God gave me was redemption through Jesus. My thump thump… Talk about mind blown. God is love. Love is God. We often refer to the heart as love. Jesus equals your thump thump. I know right! I know that not everyone will see what I mean here, but this is how it made sense to me.

So my heart calls me for a purpose. So many of us, don’t listen to music the way I do. I know I am not alone, but my perception may not be like others. But we still are all a part of the same band bro. I am just not the drummer. Each of us have a different role to play and a different purpose. So how do we get our lives in sync or rhythm with Him? Well, its a choice I think. I know that I chose to listen to what He is calling me to do. I know that I am to write. That is all I know. I have to listen closely to what I am being guided to do. Even though it scares me, I may be lead by faith and not by sight. (2 Corinthians 5:7 NIV) I may not see the results right away, or hear the music playing at the moment, But I LISTEN to what I am being instructed to do by SOUND so I am able to COMPREHEND what I am to do next and know that the music is going to be awesome. We all have a purpose to fulfill. I know that when I was called to write I had no idea what or how everything was going to work. It turns out that me Knowing isn’t my current instrument to play, my instrument is to be obedient and write. Do the work to practice everyday, some days are harder than others, but I am practicing until its my second nature. Just like so many other things in my life at the moment as you may have read yesterday. I need to do the hard work to get where I need to be in accordance to what His will is.

So the last thing I wrote in my notes was this ” How can you get better Rhythm?” Well, I made the choice to change, to allow Him to do what He needs to do. There is a reason for me to have the purpose in this life because it’s going to matter to someone else that He puts in my path. We get out of sync because of sin and to align with God its going to take a lot of practice. I dont have the exact words that my Pastor used but I feel that I am pretty close. I dont know about you but I certainly dont like going through a hard time alone, I rather have a partner, brother, sister right next to me, and Jesus is right there beside me too, even if I can see Him. I know that He will never leave me as long as I reach for His hand.

My previous blog post, is a glimpse into what I am doing to stay in sync, its hard work, and its a lot of practice but by the grace of God, the support from Jesus,and guidance from the Holy Spirit, My journey doesn’t look so overwhelming. And just like any relationship there’s a lot of work and practice there too. It’s hard for us humans to really understand God’s love for us. Like we can’t even fathom the love He gives us and or many of us don’t even know what that would even look like. but maybe that is for another post later. Nevertheless, He wants a relationship with us. If you could text Him everyday like you would your best friend, would you and what would you tell him? That is what He is wanting. He loves you right where you are today, and who you are today. He is the most trustworthy friend you’ll ever have. He is the dad you can tell EVERYTHING too, and will still love you at the end of the day. So what part of the band is He calling you towards? Are you willing to take His hand and walk with Him through this process, even if its scary? Are you ready to start? Well I encourage you to pray on it ( have a conversation with Him) and I will do the same. We aren’t perfect beings, I am perfectly imperfect made by Him and He loves me faithfully, even when I let him down by my shortcomings but I will continue to the work and practice.

Thank you for reading today. Please feel free to comment, like and share. Please subscribe and don’t miss a beat with me!

Lastly, here is a funny picture of my American Bulldog Tucker. He just turned 4!!

Chapter 14: Hey we need to talk.

So we need to talk. Well, I guess I will talk and wait to see if you respond back. Yes, I am talking to all of you. There is a lot going on and I often find myself in a whirlwind of chaos. I really hate that… Like a lot. But as I work through those issues, there are some things that are on my heart lately that I feel I just need to say.

I know what it is like to be on the side of suicidal thoughts and ideation. I know that I have talked about what it is like for me and probably so many others that have gone through that situation. I find humor in the “survivor,” term with that. I didn’t survive my attempt in suicide. I was stopped from committing suicide. I was pissed about that as well when it happened I might add; and when I saw my doctor and he said ” so you survived,” I actually laughed because it was a choice. It was a choice that was made for me, and a choice I eventually made for myself. Yes you read that right…. a choice. Now granted if I was alone, which I was before I was stopped the first time, I would of gone through with my plan. It was still a choice, But since I wasn’t alone the second time that day, it was the choice of my husband to stop me. CHOICE.

I made a choice to live. I made a choice to listen to my husband. I made a choice to not do it that day. I made all those choices. My intention of leaving this world didn’t just vanish after I made that choice. It was always there like a nagging splinter in my mind. My heart was so incredibly broken, but I made a choice to live. I made a choice to continue to listen on how much I was selfish and it was not the time for a “Kristal Show.” But I can tell you those thirty some hours were so incredibly impossible after my last attempt. I couldn’t be left alone for more than ten minutes at time before I would freak the F out again. Constant awful feelings of shame and guilt came like darts and arrows from war from the enemy. ( think of the movie 300 and all the arrows that were shot at them, and it darkened the skies. That is how it felt, just me without a shield to protect me)

So, I was thinking … How all my actions have affected people all around me. What if I wasn’t caught and I died, how all of that would affect the people around me. Pretty heavy stuff. I can see why I never thought about it from their point of view before. I didnt want to trigger myself into all the shame and guilt again. Let me clarify, from their point of view from a healthier point of view. So if you don’t know, when a person is suicidal they think of all the shame and guilt. You have to understand from their point of view, from my point of view, I was doing my friends, family, co-workers all a favor by leaving this world because I WAS THE PROBLEM! For healthy people, they don’t quite understand that… LIKE AT ALL!!

The one thing that I hate hearing is the cliché saying of …. “IT’S A PERMANENT SOLUTION TO A TEMPORARY PROBLEM!” stop saying that to people. And if you are a person that was suicidal and this phrase worked for you, please contact me because I want to give you so much praise. That phrase still triggers me because it reminds me of how some people just don’t get it. To me this phrase means this… ” You’re going to kill yourself over something that means nothing.” Yeah I get it… But when a person has shame they BELIEVE THEY ARE THE PROBLEM… I was the problem for everyone around me… I was the solution to end all things because I was taking care of the end result for them to be happy!! I was giving them peace. That was my thinking and understand; and  nearly enough words to express that y’all. I really don’t like that phrase. It sounds so self-serving for the people saying it, like they are better than me. Because they seem to know more than me. When I was suicidal I was thinking that it was the most selfless thing I could do for all of them. I understand that I might offend some people but this is my story from my point of view.

On the flip side of that coin, I seen something I haven’t seen before. The after effects to people who had to live with the death of their love one and the people who have been affected with the person who attempted. Talk about an eye opener. I am really thankful I am in a place where I can withstand seeing that without being triggered. So this is what I have seen. Parents living with guilt and what if’s lingering. Spouses living with guilt and shame of what ifs and blame. Children growing up with confusion and blame that maybe it was their fault. Friends blaming themselves and feeling responsible for their death. The pastor who talked over their service feeling pained that maybe there was more that they could have done. The co-workers who try to comfort and get rejected. The coffee shop clerk being attacked verbally because that husband doesn’t know how to cope and was drinking the night before and doesn’t feel good. I see now that there are soooo many people affected than just the immediate people. ( Hence why its important to me to not judge people because I dont know what they are going through.)

No matter how it manifests, the one thing that is clear to me is they all become something they weren’t before. Sad, depressed, confused, isolated, irrational, lost, in need of answers themselves, blame consumes them, guilt and shame take over for them, feeling of abandonment and rejection, trust issues, traumatized. Their lives can be consumed by the death of their loved one. I feel that people feel the same with people who attempted. They still feel all those things but don’t talk about it with the person in fear it will trigger them. In a sense they lost the person they once knew and still mourn the loss even though they are living. They all share the anger and sadness and all the other emotions that come with all of that. I never saw that before.

The first people I think of is the people who I live with. What would their lives look like with me gone. I can see it so clearly. I can see exactly what I think would happen. My husband would turn to darker things because he would be the first to blame himself. The guilt would wash over him thinking it was his fault because the last things I ever said to him were that it was his fault. He would end up leaning on the kids to feel better but they would be the first ones to take the brunt of his emotions. He might even start drinking again after being sober for a long time. His family would come to help him and support him but he won’t ever show his true feelings because he feels that he is protecting himself by doing so. “Because that is what men do,” that is what he would say anyway. Then he would have to make all those calls to people and say the words “I have to tell you something, Kristal is dead. She killed herself Sunday.” My ex husband would be distraught and would want to blame someone, then he would have to tell my children what happened, and console them. My kids would then silently try understand that their mom is gone. They would be crushed and that’s being mild only because I can’t stand the thought of them in pain. Nor would I want them to ever feel that it was their fault or that I didn’t love them. Then the call to my mom and dad. I can’t even begin to think of how they would respond because I know they too would feel depression and blame. The call to all my siblings. I can see the anger and overwhelming sadness. Then the call to my boss to tell her what happened and for her to tell my employees what has happened, and how work would not be the same for them for a while. All my friends getting the call, and all the people who saw me everyday, all the people’s lives that I touched in some way, or my church family. THEY WOULD ALL BE AFFECTED! So would all the people that would come to console them or run into. Its a crazy ripple affect.

This isn’t an easy thing for me to write. I am literally in tears trying to get this out. Because the pain they would feel all because I thought I was the problem in their life. I am not crying because I am triggered. I am crying because for once I saw what the consequences would be on the other side of my suicide. I am sure that I am not as close as I think I am to predicting what would happen, but I know enough to know that they would be heartbroken and inconsolable. Their entire lives would change for a little while because of my death. I can tell you that from my point of view that this is something I was not thinking about that day I was attempting suicide. I thought I would be easing their burdens. But in fact I would only be adding to them even more so than simply opening my mouth and saying I need help. I realize now that even though I didn’t die and I made a choice to live, and that they to had a choice to go with me on this journey. It wasn’t easy on them and some days it’s not easy on anyone. But the point is I AM ALIVE!!! They are happier with me living than laying in the ground.

I don’t like crying…. its hard to type and see the screen. #justsaying … I know… bad timing for a sense of humor, but that is how I can get past things. I know how to be funny in times when people need it the most.

I need you to know that this post comes from a place of understanding and love. I realize so much more now. I was in such a dark place. It’s hard to see the light and to see that there is a way out. When you are there in that awful place, it seems like nothing that is good is believable. Then there is a small light, some people hold on to that little bit of light for dear life and others lose hope in that light and feel that they don’t deserve a way out. I was both those people. I held on to that light for a long long time, and I finally let it go. Then I made a choice and walked through the light… I will NEVER go back to that dark place. That dark place will never have me back because that dark place doesn’t deserve me. I am person who is loved, and deserves love. This person, me, deserves a good life of living and love. This person deserves to see what her Father created her to be, and all the people in my life deserve that from me as well.

To everyone, I am sorry for all that I have put you through. I know some days are harder than others but I am learning who I really am. I appreciate all of you for staying by my side. I know that it was hard and scary, but we are here now and doing good. I am still learning and healing. So thank you for your patience. I know that I am confusing at times and I dont know who I will become through this healing, but I do know I will be a person.

To anyone who is feeling suicidal please reach out. There are a lot of places and resources to get you the help. I know how that sounds, I was there and when people said that to me I dismissed it too. But I feel better and I know that I am better. It took me a long time to stop believing the lies my mind told me about getting help. Everyone’s journey is different I know. I just want to share mine so that maybe someone who is in the same place I was knows that there is a way out of the darkness, that doesn’t invlove dying.

I am just so glad that I can see now what everyone else was trying to tell me, and see what it would be on the flip side for others.

So many people go through this and there are people who are still healing after their love one passed. For that I am so sorry. I understand now. My heart is with you.

The one thing that is a constant in my life and recovery is listening. I wasn’t alone through all of this. I see that now. Thank you Father. Thank you everyone. I think there is only one more chapter after this one to write about before I can really start telling you other stories of my brighter side of life. I can’t write those until you know where I was.