What Is That Smell …

This is going to be one of those stories that will either make you or break you … So here we go … I was thinking of the post that I was going to do today… and there is just so much shit that is going on that it triggered a memory… A very embarrassing story but nonetheless a story that is true and needs to be aired out…

The story starts out like this… It’s a cold October night. I am having dinner with my parents with my infant son. I am there to visit but also to receive a car that they have generously given to me. Aren’t I a lucky duck! It was a great blessing because I really needed a car at that time in my life. Anyway, there are certain foods that I ate that night that I knew that I would later regret. Although worth it normally, on this night not so much….

After a great meal and said our goodbye along with safe travel wishes, my son and I were on our way back home… 60 minutes away. Normally this isn’t something that would shock me.. I actually like to drive, I was looking forward to it… Well, It was until I reached the point of no return. That is when things started… it was the beginning of the end for me.

So I am driving through the Jemez mountains and my son starts crying 15 minutes into our trip. Nothing that a little breast-feeding won’t cure, right?! NOOOOPPPE. I pull over and get in the back and nurse him, burp him and love on him. I put him back in the car seat and hop in the driver’s seat, I buckle in and BOOM!! The gut wrenching pain of ” I GOTTA GO POOOO NOW” hits me. I am not quite panicked just yet. I think that I can make it home before it’s all hits the fan .. If you know what I mean….

So I’m driving along doing all that I can to distract myself from the impending doom in my gut. I am singing and just enjoying the distraction, until the pain comes back… you all know that pain I am talking about… Then my son starts crying again… I pull over again.. to see if he needed a diaper change. Now mind you I am just 10 minutes into driving from the last stop. I check his diaper and he is all good, but he won’t stop crying! I check to see if there is something poking him in the car seat, make sure that he seated correctly. I mean I checked everything. Then I started to think maybe he is going through a growth spurt. He was close to the next growth spurt so I nursed him again, and it seemed to accelerate the feelings of having to go even worse!!

Now I have the poo pains and sweats. I feel that I am dying… yup this is how it ends for me… I finish nursing him and get him back into the car seat and off we go again… The wrenching that I feel is down right cruel and to the point where I was just going to pull over in the cold and go in the woods. But I can’t ever bring myself to GO in the woods to go. Not number 2 anyway…  Then I was even considering just going in my pants! I just want the pain to go away! I am desperate! At this point, I am at the half way point home… He starts crying again, and I am self talking my gut down off the ledge… if you catch my drift… I was at the point where you can’t trust a fart. I even turned down the radio so that I hear my own agony.

I pull over once more to see what could possibly wrong again… I am doing all that I can so I don’t mess myself, wreck and ensure that my child is safe. Finally, I figure it out. He wanted his pacifier, and there was a piece of his blanket stuck between his car seat and its base so he was uncomfortable. Success … For the win is me and my son… My son is content and now I can get moving… I have been on the road now for an hour, I should have been home by now. But now I just needed to get to a bathroom … Like 30 minutes ago!! You know those moments where you are so into what you are doing that you drive slower to concentrate… yea that was me that night.

With my son happy I was able to drive and talk to myself to encourage my nether regions to corporate… ” Just wait… you can do this!” or ” Just get to this mile marker…” and ” yay you made it through the last 15 minutes, good job!” I mean it was embarrassing and it was just me in the car. So I finally take the turn to get to my house. I was literally minutes away from a toilet!! My toilet!! And that is when my gut was ” You BETTER HURRY LADY, IMMA BLOW SOON!! LIKE NOOOOWWWW!!” Taking deep breaths and just talking a little louder to myself to distract myself… I am so close… I pull into my driveway… and That was it…. I get out there is hope for me… my body choose otherwise… Right there as soon as I get out my car, it happened, so involuntary.. I was humiliated… I scream for my then husband to get the baby… as I ran into the house, past my oldest son and into the bathroom… My oldest son yells from the other room… ” MOM DID YOU POOP YOURSELF?!” Then came into the bathroom to investigate the happenings, and while I sit on the pot in pure agony and humiliation, he tells me ” Momma you know how to go potty, why did you poop in your shorts?” I couldn’t do anything but laugh in that moment.

Then my husband, at the time, walks in and sees me there, and just laughs, then starts a shower for me. He then asked if I had the sopapillas. I said yes, followed by ” I thought I had enough time.” I got into the shower and he gathered my messed clothes and started the washer. After everything was all said and done… I was able to enjoy the experience of it all. Which brings me here to why this is reverent to the right now…

Shit happens… I went through many stages.. denial, bargaining, wishful thinking, thinking I could out smart the situation, frustration, humiliation, acceptance and finally humor in it all. Once I accepted that this was happening there was no more embarrassment from it really. I was able to tell this story to a few close friends and all my family. It was too good not to share, and now I am sharing this with you.

In the season that I am going through now, there is a lot of things that remind me of this moment. I have to remind myself that I am not in control and there are things that I have to surrender even though I don’t want to. I am able to see through the crap and just allow it to happen, because there is a blessing in it all.  I have a great story to tell, maybe not one that everyone wants to hear but equally entertaining. I find myself smiling because I know that I’m almost “home,” in the sense that I know that this is just a season in my life and that I am growing from all of this.

Once, my focused changed to joy in a crappy situation I was able to see the “Shower,” and enjoy the little moments of fun and laughter with my family. I know that the season will change soon and things are going to be different and a little more mindful of what not to “eat.” and what NOT to eat. Well I hope this story gave you a little giggle, and maybe some insight… I still eat sopapillas  but only if I know I am close to the bathroom…

Sometimes Sorry is Enough

Sorry … Sometimes its a strong word, and sometimes its the weakest word. It all depends on the ears that are hearing those words. Sometimes saying sorry is all we can say. Saying sorry is sometimes the last thing you want to say. Hearing sorry is the only thing you want to hear or its the furthest from your mind.

So lately, there has been a lot of things going on in my life. To make this a little easier without throwing actual situations out there that could potentially hurt someones feelings. Lets just say there is a season change in my life, and its a hard winter for me.  You’ve been through worse Kristal. The good news is that I know that things will turn out the way they are supposed to, this is an adjustment period, this to shall pass, God is totally involved, I have fleshy moments, I have made mistakes, I am doing all that I can to not lose whats important to me. Which is my family.

God is working in my life in such a way that I have no choice but to lean on Him. Trust me I am glad too, because I know that I can’t do this alone. I feel alone at times because I don’t know where to go when its time. Meaning, I am trying to rush the situation because its uncomfortable. I’m working in my flesh. I am learning and practicing. This situation isn’t easy at all. I see whats happening and I am helpless to stop it. I have to force myself to step back because that is what is asked of me. I have to step back for myself as well, because the fire is just way to hot. This situation is happening for a reason. Cliche or not it is happening because things need to change. I feel that when we don’t listen to the guidance we are given, God either way is going to create and use the situation because the change needs to happen, and for a greater purpose than the actual “Right Now,” situation. Whatever is happening now is for a greater purpose for later on. 

Trust me, in my human mind it feels like everything around me is on fire and no matter where I turn I could get burned or is burning. That is for everyone that is involved. Everything is so delicate right now that the smallest things turn into huge flames. I am trying so hard. I don’t know how to handle the situation and I am not doing a very good job at it. I can admit that. I was told to stay out of it and yet I am still in it. I want to do right by everyone and I realized that I can not. So I lean on God and I want to pray but I feel that I have no where that is my own to do that with. In another words Kristal likes having her time with Jesus in private and in a special place. 

 The frustration wants to be invited in and I am making mistakes and can’t fix them. Sorry is just not enough in this moment. That is the feeling I have in my heart. It’s not enough and I wish it were. 

So how do I fix it from here? How do handle the emotional side of things? I feel that I can’t. It needs to come from upper management. #JesusTakeTheWheelMoment I know that it needs to come from Him and I need to get out-of-the-way. I need to get on my knees and just let it all out, but I still feel this guilt. This shame storm that was darted at me, and I am trying so hard to not allow it into my heart. I will fight for my life in that way because I know my worth in God’s eyes. I know that I will be fine out of this but going through the mountain isn’t easy for anyone. God knew that I was ready for this. God knows what He is doing.

Some days I feel like Peter. When Jesus asked him to come walk with him on the water. That moment of hesitation he had before taking that step onto the water. You know the trust factor. I know Jesus has me … my fleshy moments are saying that He doesn’t. All things that I have to talk to God about. You see I am answering my own questions as I write this out. I know that I am not the only person who is going through a season right now. I still need Jesus to hold my hand or to hold me while I just cry. ( He will do that you know) I am not graduated yet to walking on water. Or maybe it’s because I don’t trust myself to actually take the first step to get there. How can things change if I am not ready to walk on that water? Good question Kristal, why don’t you talk to Jesus about it?

I know I know I know… I almost feel that I am being disobedient by not getting out-of-the-way.  Because you are being a little poopy about the whole thing Kristal. I got this! I know what I need to do. I need to step out-of-the-way. And staying out of the way and allow things to happen the way God intended things to be and let Him clear up the mess that the enemy created.

 God is so faithful y’all. He loves us a lot.  He is so patient with me, and all of us. I am happy that I am reminded that I need to forgive often, be slow to speak and quick to listen, follow the wise, discern all the time, follow The Word, talk to Him often, ask for forgiveness and let love rule. Make good solid foundations and boundaries and lay all the good and the bad at His feet. He knows everyone’s heart and where they are going to go.

I have to remember that the battle is already won, I need to get out-of-the-way. Sorry may not be enough for all situations but the point is that I know I have made mistakes. I am sorry for those mistakes. I know that I don’t hold shame with those mistakes because that is exactly what they are. Mistakes. Whether or not that apology is accepted that is on that person that it is said to, but I know in my heart that I did all that I could at the time. It wasn’t done to be mean or malicious but to help. And to know and be mindful that not everyone wants or needs your help. I know that things will be fine and worked out the way they are meant to.

Sorry in many ways takes the pain off of someone. Just to hear those words, ” I’m Sorry,” can mean the world to someone. To take the accountability that you made that mistake and said sorry.  I know that for me its hard to accept the apology the first time because I am soooo in the moment of the pain. Deep down that sorry means everything to me. I know that I need to get passed my own self righteousness and be vulnerable in front of that person. This is something that I am learning to do more often. To trust that person not to hurt me anymore at that moment and accept them and their vulnerability. #GrowingPains

Sorry is very powerful, I suppose it depends on how you respond to it. I chose to be okay with my mistakes and chose to forgive myself and others. Learning to say sorry to the people who need to hear it from you. #RunOnSentencesAreInNow

I don’t know how this will help anyone but I do like that I was able to vent a little and work out my issue here. Words or even writing about somethings helps me a lot. Sure, I could journal it but I feel that it might help someone else. Maybe… or maybe it can just be this funny story how I had to rant about a Vague situation for me to get a dang clue. I mean crap a doodles…. The sign was there the whole time smacking me in the face and I am asking where is it!  Liiike hello!! I am only human… you are human…  and I need to commit to a blog post… I have a long draft list going on…

 

Be good to each other especially in times that are hard. You don’t know the struggle they are going through and they don’t know the struggle you are going through. Be slow to speak and quick to listen. Love each other and forgive often. I know that my situation is in God’s hands. He knows my heart and the hearts of others. The battle is already won. Put God first and you’ll never be last.

Chapter 14: Hey we need to talk.

So we need to talk. Well, I guess I will talk and wait to see if you respond back. Yes, I am talking to all of you. There is a lot going on and I often find myself in a whirlwind of chaos. I really hate that… Like a lot. But as I work through those issues, there are some things that are on my heart lately that I feel I just need to say.

I know what it is like to be on the side of suicidal thoughts and ideation. I know that I have talked about what it is like for me and probably so many others that have gone through that situation. I find humor in the “survivor,” term with that. I didn’t survive my attempt in suicide. I was stopped from committing suicide. I was pissed about that as well when it happened I might add; and when I saw my doctor and he said ” so you survived,” I actually laughed because it was a choice. It was a choice that was made for me, and a choice I eventually made for myself. Yes you read that right…. a choice. Now granted if I was alone, which I was before I was stopped the first time, I would of gone through with my plan. It was still a choice, But since I wasn’t alone the second time that day, it was the choice of my husband to stop me. CHOICE.

I made a choice to live. I made a choice to listen to my husband. I made a choice to not do it that day. I made all those choices. My intention of leaving this world didn’t just vanish after I made that choice. It was always there like a nagging splinter in my mind. My heart was so incredibly broken, but I made a choice to live. I made a choice to continue to listen on how much I was selfish and it was not the time for a “Kristal Show.” But I can tell you those thirty some hours were so incredibly impossible after my last attempt. I couldn’t be left alone for more than ten minutes at time before I would freak the F out again. Constant awful feelings of shame and guilt came like darts and arrows from war from the enemy. ( think of the movie 300 and all the arrows that were shot at them, and it darkened the skies. That is how it felt, just me without a shield to protect me)

So, I was thinking … How all my actions have affected people all around me. What if I wasn’t caught and I died, how all of that would affect the people around me. Pretty heavy stuff. I can see why I never thought about it from their point of view before. I didnt want to trigger myself into all the shame and guilt again. Let me clarify, from their point of view from a healthier point of view. So if you don’t know, when a person is suicidal they think of all the shame and guilt. You have to understand from their point of view, from my point of view, I was doing my friends, family, co-workers all a favor by leaving this world because I WAS THE PROBLEM! For healthy people, they don’t quite understand that… LIKE AT ALL!!

The one thing that I hate hearing is the cliché saying of …. “IT’S A PERMANENT SOLUTION TO A TEMPORARY PROBLEM!” stop saying that to people. And if you are a person that was suicidal and this phrase worked for you, please contact me because I want to give you so much praise. That phrase still triggers me because it reminds me of how some people just don’t get it. To me this phrase means this… ” You’re going to kill yourself over something that means nothing.” Yeah I get it… But when a person has shame they BELIEVE THEY ARE THE PROBLEM… I was the problem for everyone around me… I was the solution to end all things because I was taking care of the end result for them to be happy!! I was giving them peace. That was my thinking and understand; and  nearly enough words to express that y’all. I really don’t like that phrase. It sounds so self-serving for the people saying it, like they are better than me. Because they seem to know more than me. When I was suicidal I was thinking that it was the most selfless thing I could do for all of them. I understand that I might offend some people but this is my story from my point of view.

On the flip side of that coin, I seen something I haven’t seen before. The after effects to people who had to live with the death of their love one and the people who have been affected with the person who attempted. Talk about an eye opener. I am really thankful I am in a place where I can withstand seeing that without being triggered. So this is what I have seen. Parents living with guilt and what if’s lingering. Spouses living with guilt and shame of what ifs and blame. Children growing up with confusion and blame that maybe it was their fault. Friends blaming themselves and feeling responsible for their death. The pastor who talked over their service feeling pained that maybe there was more that they could have done. The co-workers who try to comfort and get rejected. The coffee shop clerk being attacked verbally because that husband doesn’t know how to cope and was drinking the night before and doesn’t feel good. I see now that there are soooo many people affected than just the immediate people. ( Hence why its important to me to not judge people because I dont know what they are going through.)

No matter how it manifests, the one thing that is clear to me is they all become something they weren’t before. Sad, depressed, confused, isolated, irrational, lost, in need of answers themselves, blame consumes them, guilt and shame take over for them, feeling of abandonment and rejection, trust issues, traumatized. Their lives can be consumed by the death of their loved one. I feel that people feel the same with people who attempted. They still feel all those things but don’t talk about it with the person in fear it will trigger them. In a sense they lost the person they once knew and still mourn the loss even though they are living. They all share the anger and sadness and all the other emotions that come with all of that. I never saw that before.

The first people I think of is the people who I live with. What would their lives look like with me gone. I can see it so clearly. I can see exactly what I think would happen. My husband would turn to darker things because he would be the first to blame himself. The guilt would wash over him thinking it was his fault because the last things I ever said to him were that it was his fault. He would end up leaning on the kids to feel better but they would be the first ones to take the brunt of his emotions. He might even start drinking again after being sober for a long time. His family would come to help him and support him but he won’t ever show his true feelings because he feels that he is protecting himself by doing so. “Because that is what men do,” that is what he would say anyway. Then he would have to make all those calls to people and say the words “I have to tell you something, Kristal is dead. She killed herself Sunday.” My ex husband would be distraught and would want to blame someone, then he would have to tell my children what happened, and console them. My kids would then silently try understand that their mom is gone. They would be crushed and that’s being mild only because I can’t stand the thought of them in pain. Nor would I want them to ever feel that it was their fault or that I didn’t love them. Then the call to my mom and dad. I can’t even begin to think of how they would respond because I know they too would feel depression and blame. The call to all my siblings. I can see the anger and overwhelming sadness. Then the call to my boss to tell her what happened and for her to tell my employees what has happened, and how work would not be the same for them for a while. All my friends getting the call, and all the people who saw me everyday, all the people’s lives that I touched in some way, or my church family. THEY WOULD ALL BE AFFECTED! So would all the people that would come to console them or run into. Its a crazy ripple affect.

This isn’t an easy thing for me to write. I am literally in tears trying to get this out. Because the pain they would feel all because I thought I was the problem in their life. I am not crying because I am triggered. I am crying because for once I saw what the consequences would be on the other side of my suicide. I am sure that I am not as close as I think I am to predicting what would happen, but I know enough to know that they would be heartbroken and inconsolable. Their entire lives would change for a little while because of my death. I can tell you that from my point of view that this is something I was not thinking about that day I was attempting suicide. I thought I would be easing their burdens. But in fact I would only be adding to them even more so than simply opening my mouth and saying I need help. I realize now that even though I didn’t die and I made a choice to live, and that they to had a choice to go with me on this journey. It wasn’t easy on them and some days it’s not easy on anyone. But the point is I AM ALIVE!!! They are happier with me living than laying in the ground.

I don’t like crying…. its hard to type and see the screen. #justsaying … I know… bad timing for a sense of humor, but that is how I can get past things. I know how to be funny in times when people need it the most.

I need you to know that this post comes from a place of understanding and love. I realize so much more now. I was in such a dark place. It’s hard to see the light and to see that there is a way out. When you are there in that awful place, it seems like nothing that is good is believable. Then there is a small light, some people hold on to that little bit of light for dear life and others lose hope in that light and feel that they don’t deserve a way out. I was both those people. I held on to that light for a long long time, and I finally let it go. Then I made a choice and walked through the light… I will NEVER go back to that dark place. That dark place will never have me back because that dark place doesn’t deserve me. I am person who is loved, and deserves love. This person, me, deserves a good life of living and love. This person deserves to see what her Father created her to be, and all the people in my life deserve that from me as well.

To everyone, I am sorry for all that I have put you through. I know some days are harder than others but I am learning who I really am. I appreciate all of you for staying by my side. I know that it was hard and scary, but we are here now and doing good. I am still learning and healing. So thank you for your patience. I know that I am confusing at times and I dont know who I will become through this healing, but I do know I will be a person.

To anyone who is feeling suicidal please reach out. There are a lot of places and resources to get you the help. I know how that sounds, I was there and when people said that to me I dismissed it too. But I feel better and I know that I am better. It took me a long time to stop believing the lies my mind told me about getting help. Everyone’s journey is different I know. I just want to share mine so that maybe someone who is in the same place I was knows that there is a way out of the darkness, that doesn’t invlove dying.

I am just so glad that I can see now what everyone else was trying to tell me, and see what it would be on the flip side for others.

So many people go through this and there are people who are still healing after their love one passed. For that I am so sorry. I understand now. My heart is with you.

The one thing that is a constant in my life and recovery is listening. I wasn’t alone through all of this. I see that now. Thank you Father. Thank you everyone. I think there is only one more chapter after this one to write about before I can really start telling you other stories of my brighter side of life. I can’t write those until you know where I was.

 

 

 

Chapter 12 Just One of Those Days…

Today was just one of those days where nothing and everything just seems not together. I would normally call these days ” character building,” days but I don’t think that would suit today. There wasn’t really anything to really build except … maybe.. Not to take things so serious all the time. Maybe even to take a page out of my own book and not make it about me but rather that something or someone is in need of what I am going through in the moment.

So I have been having nightmares the last couple of nights. I know now that is a way for the enemy to try to get a foothold on something, But somewhere in that dream there was a nugget of hope and a way out. I will spare you the details of the dream but it was in a movie theater, with  old wooden floors and I was talking to someone then went to the bathroom, then it went off into something else. That was the nugget. So I know that it has something to do with getting rid of something. So I will do my part in getting rid of that whatever it is, but here is where I know that I am struggling a little bit.

I can normally hear where I am supposed to go, but since I haven’t been sleeping well the enemy uses that to create confusion. Father doesn’t do confusion. Enemy …0 Father … a boat load more numbers… Kristal actually and finally seeing discernment A++. Good Job Kristal… any who… So when I woke this morning, it was chaos from the get go. Not once did I think to just have a quick ” Hey Father, Good morning, Thank you for waking me up today, I love you and this day is yours, what would you like me to do with it? Oh and by the way I am having these crazy dreams, Holy Spirit do you think you can help me out with that?” But NOOOOOO I choose to moan about not feeling well and crawling into back into my bed and sleeping another three hours.

I was really grateful to wake up less icky than the previous time I woke up. I was ready to start the day. It was late I was rueful about that but I was up and moving… ish. I do my usual, tend to the dogs, start the coffee, look in the fridge and not get anything to eat but grab the creamer for that coffee. Priorties you know! I Look at the massive pile of things on my kitchen table, roll my eyes, get my coffee fixed up and back to my bedroom I go. I am trying to find all these excuses to not do anything with my day except when I need to. I know I have appointments and meetings today but I can procrastinate… Right??

Once I was perched on my bed I started to fidget with my nose, figured now would be a good time to tighten my nose ring… wait… there is something wrong…. The top part is there …. where is the post that goes inside my nose!?? I couldn’t feel it… I started going through mental talks of ” DON’T Suck up through your nose…. DON’T you do it!!” Mindfulness is super helpful…. BTW’s… So I blow my nose instead of sucking up my clogged nose… Sure enough there is the post in the tissue! Panic… and relief all at the same time.

As excited I am to find the post, but there is one problem… How the heck is this going back in? My fat phalanges can’t fit in my tiny nostril? I like to think that I am creative… I need tape as a third hand … then I can find this tiny hole on the inside of my nose… yeah .. totally makes sense. I dig through my room and find that super crazy double-sided tape… “This will work.” I told myself confidently as I am holding the post the opposite end in my nose. I really don’t want it to close. This actually means something to me and I really like the piercing. So I sit in front of my magnifying mirror and started to get to work. I was so determined to get this back in on my own. The next thing I know… My phone is blowing up. It’s all my awesome Ysisters with work … I thought for sure that I can tell them what’s going on, maybe they will have some words of wisdom. Nope instead it turned into how we can market this incident, and I loved it. I couldn’t stop laughing, my nose is starting to hurt. So my best friend with all her wisdom was kind enough to tell me the things I need to do in the future. My husband is now texting me, and I am hyper focused on getting this in. I ask about his day and he got a lot accomplished.

I throw in the towel after a good twenty miuntes of hard work. I have to make a thirty minute trip to have the professionals take over. I felt like a total noob! My bestie and hubs got a good giggle. I think… okay maybe annoyed. As I embark on my journey to a nearby city… I am talking with Father. I know that He has a plan for today and realize that it’s not about me today. Not that I am saying that I am the focus any other day, but I was thanking Him for allowing me the opportunity to get out of the house and be out doing stuff. I also know that whatever this is about isn’t going to be about me and that I am going to touch a life today. Even if it’s because I am getting my nose ring put back in. I laughed to myself thinking how silly this all was. I did have other plans to NOT do anything with my day. I am grateful that didn’t happen.

I enjoyed the drive and when I arrived and waited my turn for the professional to fix my issue at hand. Once it was my turn… I was explaining what I didn’t accomplish and the only thing I did manage to do was cause swelling on my nose. Mind you I have a Ear, Nose and Throat appointment in a couple of hours from this moment. He attempts to put it in , and while we were talking about life in general, he breaks the post. Good thing he is prepared and has backups. So he put the new one in, and the jewel doesn’t fit. I laughed again.. because I see what the enemy is trying to do, but I won’t allow such negative vibes.This was just meant to happen. So we come up with a plan, get new jewelry, and finally he gets it in. He also made the post the same color as my jewel. I am one happy camper. Oh and it pretty much is Kristal proof. It doesn’t need to be tightened. It is snapped into place. I will have to go to him to get new jewelry and I am happy about that.

So here is the cool part. As we were talking he started opening up to me about his kids and what he is going through. I listened as he told me what one of his kids is putting them through. He was telling me the stress that he and his family is going through and what his child is going through. Thinking about it now I could have prayed over him, but I didn’t think of it then. I think that maybe he just needed someone to listen. Sometimes that is all that people need. I was happy to do that and give him some new tools to work with. Like tracking … Haha and how easy it is to do through the phones. The look and relief on his face it almost looked like hope to me. I felt accomplished.

I didn’t make it back in time for my meeting and I felt bad for that because I forgot to tell that wonderful person that once again we have to reschedule. The way I see it though… Father has perfect timing in everything. I was able to make it home to get my things for my appointment and talk to another friend who just needed someone to listen. My husband met up with me for my appointment. We shared a few laughs about our day then it was my turn to go back into the room. As I walked in I was intimated by all the tools laying out. I did wonder if those were all going to used on me. As I was talking with the nurse the doctor came in and smiled, she didn’t even look back ” We’re not done yet.” “Yes I know, I just heard that it was intimating.” He beamed looking at me and it made me that much more nervous but kind of excited as well. My blood pressure was elevated because of it all.

As my husband talks about what his experiences with all these tools, he put me at ease. The doc came in and he looked excited. haha. Kind of threw me for a loop, but I rather have a doctor with a sense of humor. He took a look inside my nose and it was the same thing I have heard most of my life. I’m clogged and my nose looks unhappy, and my ears are clogged as well. I explained to him the last time my ears were cleaned I was like 12 while in Dallas. And when they were done it looked like a core sample. He laughed. He made me smell the numbing agent and I asked if I was going to throw up. He said “No, but you would be my first if you did.” So I huffed the whatever it was, that is a new sensation. I suggest you get it done, just to say you did it. Then it hit me right in the back of the throat! GROSS!! I gagged a little. All he could say ” Oh. You tasted it!” Yeahhhh!! That is what I meant by ” Am I going to throw up!” It passed after a few moment and breathing felt weird or lack there of. So while we were waiting for my nose to get numb he started checking out my ears.

He got his little vacuum thing going, I started talking because I am nervous. I was telling him that before I got it done the last time I had pretty good hearing but when they were done, I had super sonic hearing. The last thing I heard was maybe I was the secret member of the Avengers. This guy is funny is what I thought of as I hear the non movement of what wax isn’t coming out. He also made a comment about me maybe using Q-tips to clean my ears. I simply said, ” I don’t use them to clean my ears but to scratch my ears.” ” Better than a key.” he quipped. Touche Doc… So now I have to deal with my ears again. That will be nice to have them be like normal people ears. My canals are that of a small animal. He took core samples from my face as well, and I was on my way after I got a laundry of To-Do’s and some samples. I was excited to get those samples!! A full size of one of those samples is $200.00 because the insurance doesn’t cover it. Thanks big pharma… Not Cool.

Came home after a nice dinner, played some cards with my family. Picked up one of my kiddos from a sporting event and it was a blessing. The whole day was a great day. I got to meet new faces, spend time with my favorite peeps, got to get organized for the next day, and talk with my Ysisters. I feel that I may have impacted some people today and spoke life into them. I realize that Father had better plans for me than laying in bed watching Netflix. I am so grateful for that. I would have missed out on a great day. I got to talk to some people who I haven’t talked to in a long while and that feels amazing. I like that I am finally starting feel better about making new friends, sustaining my current friends, getting out of my house and talking to strangers. Something I wouldn’t have done a year ago! Things I am still learning is to talk to Father in times that I know are going to be impactful to see where He wants me to go with the conversation.

Once I am done here, I will sit down and have a conversation with all of Them again. We can choose to speak life into people or death. I rather speak into life into people even though they may not feel that way towards me, because we don’t know what they are going through. Besides, I am in a much better place to know what to breathe in or not to,as far as words go that is. I couldn’t have done that without all the people who Father has sent into my life to speak life into me and help do Fathers work through them. For that I am grateful and wish to do the same to others. Lastly, tighten your nose ring. Love each other, Laugh a little, speak life into your fellow-man. Thanks again guys.

Chapter 11 Divine Wardrobe Change Pt. 1

Have you ever watched a movie and there is that climatic part where the main character has everything around falling a part then bam something good starts happening and their life is great again? I never used to like those parts of movies. I would actually get so pissed that I would rant about it. Movie ruined for everyone haha. I did this because I wondered if that moment would ever happen to me. I have seen it done in a real world setting with real people but never me.  I was jealous of these people.

I wondered what it would feel like to have that moment of total nothingness to happen. Something so tragic would happen and my life would change dramatically. I had gone through so much in my years… When was my number going to get called? I was holding that ticket for a long time… the waiting was a killer.. almost anyway. I still won’t talk about all the moments that lead to my number being called finally. Not that I am not encouraged to talk about them, because I am. I am afraid of going through another set of judgments that I am not sure I am ready for.

One of them is just so unbelievable to me that I still hold on to it thinking I am protecting that person, but I am not protecting that person in the right way, and I am not trusting in Father to handle it for me. I will continue to work on that. But here is what I can tell you and willing to tell you at this moment.

When my number was finally called there were defining moments that I see now that were my path. I prayed harder than ever. Let’s tackle the first one. That was my Granddaddy’s passing. I know that I have talked about him before and this moment. It was so hard for me that he was gone. When I found out about his passing was so fast. One call was my dad telling me they are moving him to hospice then moments later was he is gone. I was absolutely crushed. This was during a community event that my husband and I were at with all the kids. It was around Halloween so everyone was in their costumes and having a good time. I didn’t want to ruin their fun but at the same time I didn’t know how to handle putting away my pain and leaving on the mask.

Everyone was very understanding. I had called my brother later that night and we made our plans to head out the next morning. I still went to work and got all of those affairs taken care of and left. I made many prayers before picking up my brother. I was really hoping that a fight wouldn’t happen over their things. Now that Granddad only had us left in the family. Just my brothers, myself, my dad, my uncle and cousin. That was it as far as the last of the family line goes. We were it. Like I said I really was hoping there wasn’t going to be drama.

My brother and I enjoyed the drive out. I spent the whole time burning my right arm out of the window. The more we headed East the worse the heat came in October. But we laughed, and had good conversations on the way there. I was kicked out of the driving eventually. I hadn’t really slept apparently that made my brother nervous. It was kind of funny to see an almost seven-foot man squished up to drive in the explore. Haha.

Granddad in previous visits and conversations wanted one thing. He wanted his family together one last time in that house. He got his wish. We were all there one last time. When we got there. My dad and my step mom already got the rooms situation under control. They took their room, Uncle would have his room, I would have my grandparents room, and my brothers would have the living room, and cousin was sleeping at a hotel. I was little hesitate to take my grandparents room at first, but I accepted. With a little cleaning and quick change of the sheets I was getting settled.

There we all sat together. Just the four of us. Although my brother and I stopped on our way in to get some light beers. It was totally possible that we may want one later. We all hung out and just talked. Talked about the plans that were ahead of us. It seems so surreal. No one except my step mom sat in granddad chair. I sat in the recliner most of the time just enjoying just being there with some of my favorite people. We order some pizza and watched the Dallas/ Redskins game. Dallas lost. I was not that happy considering my brother is a Packers fan. It didn’t matter who was playing against the Cowboys as long as they lost. Which we did.He sure did rub it in my face. I wasn’t shocked at our loss but still when you’ve been a fan all your life, there is some sort of loyalty. Ok let’s be honest a lot of NFL Fans or any fan of any sport we are loyal until death. I was still very peeved but I was having a blast listening to the banter of my family.

I was happy that Granddad was getting his wish. I just wished he was there to be a part of it. Granddad was always my soft spot in my heart. No one had known what granddad had told me. They also didn’t know that all what we had encounter that last three years would lead us to where we were at that very moment. Including my brothers and myself talking to our father. That was a huge feat in itself. There was a lot of hope and resentment there. Confusing at it was that is what we all felt for our father. When I first talked to my father after almost 13 years of not talking at all, there we sat just a year before having the coming to Jesus talk with each other. I let my dad know everything on how I was feeling and he did the same. We were able to really get that junk out in the open and clear those skeletons from that closet. They were stinking up the joint anyway. Point being we both missed each other and it was long over due. I was able to talk to my brothers about the encounter and they were able to make those choices themselves about our dad.

So to be sitting in that house with my Nolen family was pretty awesome. However there was some major tension between my dad and uncle. I could feel it. We all could feel the many things that weren’t being said. Oh how it would come out. To me it was kinda funny how things happened.

It was after the showing of Granddad. After the several times I had to explain who I was to other family and friends of Granddad’s I just wanted my time with my Grandfather. I just wanted to be in the moment with him. I didn’t want to let him go… plain and simple. After people started to leave I finally got my moment with Grandfather. My dad and step mom were gracious enough to tell people that I needed some time alone. I just talked to him as if he were there… Like all the way there. How much I love him, to see all the people that love and care for him, and to give Granny a huge hug and kisses from me. How I missed him so much. How I didn’t get to be there for him or talk to him before he passed. Mainly I just cried and wanted to be with him. Not dead but with him. I am going to miss him but I also knew that he couldn’t wait to see Granny. He loved Granny and missed her more than what we could ever understand.

We were separate cars and the four of us went to eat. Even though I was the only one hungry. They obliged me anyway but that is when Dad was explaining that my Uncle was telling tall tales at the showing. My brother and I just looked at each other. We were finding out all kinds of nasty things that Uncle was doing. It was actually disappointing to hear. My Uncle couldn’t even wait until my Granddad was in the ground before trying to take all that he could because he felt entitled to. Now I don’t base my opinions based on what others say, I have to see things for myself. Anyway we get to the house after a quick stop at the liquor store just because it said Koch’s. Haha I love our sense of humor. Our other brother was with Uncle and our cousin. So he missed out on some good grub and laughter but at the same side of that token we missed the beginning of a funny ha ha that was sure to be my Grandparents doing… Or Father’s haha. We were all locked out of the house. There my brother and I started drinking making jokes. There was way too many chief’s in the kitchen.

My uncle is pissed. Talking about what each window costs, My brother saying there is always a way in. My oldest brother tags a long with my other brother talking a big game about how no house in Texas can withstand two ABQ boys. My Uncle still wanting to control the situation and now saying crappy things to my dad. My step mom getting involved to calm the situation which then lead to uncle saying awful things to her. Which is a huge no no… I am standing there on my way to my second beer. Dad and Uncle are arguing full-blown now. Step mom and me are just watching the train wreck happen. I was still giggling because it is not always fun to be right but when I am seeing this was just too funny.

I was laughing watching the truth and lies collide in words. Everyone trying to get a word in edgewise. My brothers finally get us in. I stayed outside because the arguing ended up inside. I was proud that my dad was sticking up for himself, and I felt bad for my uncle. Not bad in the sense that he was getting bombarded but because at this point they were trying to explain to him that these moments were about family, Not about guns, money, assists, the house, the furniture, the jewelry but FAMILY. He was willing to throw all of us away for his half of everything. At this point he is walking to and from the house throwing his stuff into his car. I wasn’t going to get sucked into it all…. I didn’t acknowledge the small jabs of insults that were directed at me or the others. I and the others just ignored what was happening as much as we could. At the same time we didn’t need anyone going to the hospital for high blood pressure. We just needed to get through a couple more days. We can do this.

We all took turns to trying to appeal to his softer side but the resented was strong with that one. He even got mad at me for forgiving my dad.  There was just too much resentment for me to take on and I left it in the arms of God or someone blindly. There was just too much. I finally just wanted to enjoy my family and all its glory. Drinking and snacking, laughing and making jokes. We even were able to go through some of their things. It was pretty awesome to see my Grandfathers letters to Granny while we was in WWII. Pretty cool huh.  And it turns out that it is a Nolen thing for us to pose for pictures with our butts sticking out. They are pretty nice butts … hahaha. Sounded weird but I was blessed with a nice ass. #BBB Big Bubble Butt haha..

Well we were able to calm the storm and Uncle was calm to start enjoying his self again. There we all were. The last of the Nolen’s. Dad, Uncle and us kids. Still the only girl. Haha

We had a great service for Granddad. It was beautiful. He lays next to my Granny in Texas. He had a military send off and it was just wonderful. We stayed until they put him in the ground. The others left but we stayed.I made inappropriate comments to our limo driver because all sad situations like that I cope with humor. I didn’t feel bad one single bit. The following day was harder. I had to go and get back to my job. I wanted to stay and help them go through the house. I knew exactly what I wanted and that is what I ended up with. I wanted two blankets that were made, and one of their bibles. I got Granny’s bible. and some odd and ends of books that I wanted.

They my dad, brothers went out another time to do stuff with the house. I opted not to go because my uncle and dad were once again fighting and they both stuck me in the middle. I had nothing to do with what happens with the house or the will and how I got involved in that whole mess is still beyond me. I haven’t talked to my Uncle since that all happened. It didn’t help that he was telling everyone in my tiny town that I was mentally ill and I attempted suicide. When he had no idea what was really going on. I have forgiven him but I choose not to have that sort of drama in my life and I stay out of that sort of thing. I rather have my father than things. My uncle wasn’t very nice. Nevertheless he is still family and I will love him regardless.

This was a difficult time for all of us, but it has been nearly two years and some change since his passing. My dad and uncle are still at odds and that is their business. So the next thing that followed was something that happened to one of my children. This is one subject that is so incredibly hard for me to talk about. I won’t publish it here as to what happened. But the event happened shortly after Granddad passed, it was the blow that broke the camels back. My back.

It broke my heart in such a way that I was traumatized again but this time I had no idea that it actually happened. I just saw the torment that my child was going through and how the event it would eventually eat its way through the entire family. One by one. For me I ran away to work. I drove myself so far into work that I didn’t have time to think of anything else. That tore through what was left of my marriage. I ended up doing and saying things that I am not proud of to my husband as a way to reach out for help. Wow saying it on a public thing like this is a lot of vulnerability. I made some huge mistakes.

I am not mad about it all. To me it is a story that I will tell because I feel that it is important to tell. The night that everything happened there was a supernatural war raging all around me. The signs were there, the voices were there… it was all there. The Holy Spirit was there in full force as was the kingdom of darkness… then there was little ol me stuck in the middle.

For many weeks before all that was told to me by the Holy Spirit was ” Wait.” I was holding on to whatever I had left in me to do regular stuff like shower. Even there I was attacked. The darkness would taunt me,” Let me in… Let me in… Just say it and we’re in.” It was constant especially when I was tired or running on zero sleep, the more stressed I got, the more I became inconsolable, the more I resented my husband. The more I blamed him and his ex-wife for why my kids had moved out. You name it the kingdom of darkness was there just trying to push me over the edge, But I held on to what little sanity I had left. My husband I split the next after Christmas. I knew that I was close to doing something that may be the end of our marriage. The big D. I pleaded with all my heart to him that I was going to do something and I wasn’t sure if I could stop myself. He tried so hard to hold on to me. He kept telling me to guard my heart, but I don’t think he knew that was long gone. Over the course of that year I had been depleted of everything. There was absolutely nothing left… I was an empty shell that was headed straight to the depths of darkness that I thought I deserved. He deserved so much better than me. I was going to die that weekend anyway and the attacks kept coming. I allowed it all to happen. He never really knew how much I loved him up to that point. He was the one that saved me. Twice that day as a matter of fact.

I don’t think he knew that at the time or if he even knows now. To be honest I don’t think I even knew how much I love him. He keeps asking me when I am going to write about him, I keep telling him in due time. There will be a lot to talk about there, because marriage is one of those things that is special to me. But my marriage to him as taken a whole different path than the one we were on. I don’t like blasting my marriage out there but it was something that I prayed about on whether to talk about it or not. I was encouraged to talk about it. because neither one of us is “Perfect.”

Moving past the time I was in treatment, to the months following. I knew that there was something that was urging me to look past the obvious. Look passed the depression and the rest of that fruit. To look into the supernatural of things. Y’all the look on my face when I was guided that way… I was like ” Uhmmm really?!” Yeah really. I just knew there was something much deeper than what was going on. It was time for a change of clothes, because I was about to walk out of my grave-clothes.

 

It’s time to walk out….

Chapter 10 Adult choices so young..

There isn’t a whole lot to talk about when it comes to my high school years. I was a normal as I could be kids. I spent most of my time in Texas during those years, but came back after a huge falling out with my dad. I choose to come back and the last thing my dad told me were, ” you’re going to end up pregnant and alone. You will accomplish nothing there, but you are just so like your mother. You betrayed me to be with her. I disown you and never want to see you again.”

Yes that’s right. At 17 that is what my dad told me. I realized at that moment that I don’t hate my dad but feel bad for my dad. He still held on to so much hurt against my mom. So what happened?? My dad was gone a lot of the time. I was really independent. I made sure to get to school on time, get good grades, maintain friendship and feed myself. But I was home alone all that time while he was away. My mom and step dad actually had to bring all my things from my house in NM. I think this is what actually triggered my dad. My mom and step dad bought me groceries, pots and pans, and all the other things that I may have needed. My dad I think felt less of a provider by them actually doing that kind gesture. My mom and step dad were literally trying to help me not so much my dad. My dad at this point has never had to raise any of us kids on his own before. So I think this was the blow.

I had just turned 17. In Texas, at the time you were considered emancipated from your parents but still couldn’t do things as if you were 18. My dad, was seeing a woman who was not his type at all. They met on the internet and she came to visit him. He tried so hard to make her stay as comfy as possible but I could tell he wasn’t into her. Anyway, that Monday morning, I was getting ready for school. It was super early in the morning. I had already had my own routine going. I had my radio going and I was about to start doing my makeup and hair. Dad walked back to my side of the apartment and asked me to turn down my radio. I gave his sass. He was never home and I treated our place as if it were mine, Not his. So by him telling me to turn it down I was not having it. I told him, as I was complying with his request, that this is how it normally is every morning. The next thing I know he has lifted me and has me up against the wall. My feet were off the ground and we are nose to nose! I just screamed. I didn’t know what else to do. My dad has NEVER done such a thing. EVER!!!

The onslaught on rage and anger came over my dad. He was telling me that everything bad that happened to him was because of me. I countered with, It was his fault not mine. He blamed me again for his divorce with my step mom and the break up of his last girlfriend was my fault and how embarrassed he was of the gal that spent the weekend with us. All of which I told him that it was his doing not mine and that I didn’t make his choices he did. Has he over reacted to everything that morning. I was still locked in my bathroom. Finally, he told me that he was taking me to school. I was literally in my Pj’s and all out of sorts. He drove like a crazy person to school almost hitting a couple of people on the road that morning. Then gave me a running start to get out of the truck and peeled out. Everyone was looking at me. My boyfriend at the time was there, he knew something was wrong. I was escorted to the office and I had to explain everything to my counselor she handed me her makeup bag and told me to finish looking presentable. I did what I could with what little I had. I finished my dad and went home. I stayed in other places than going home. Eventually, I put myself into a home in downtown Ft. Worth. To make a point to my dad. He told the people there that I threatened to kill him with a butter knife. I had remembered what my mom had told me about how I would start knowing who my parents were. She was right.

I finished my seven days at the shelter and went home and I was given choices, I could stay with my dad, I could move back with my mom, or I can move in with my friend Eric. I chose to move back home with my mom. I knew if I stayed with my dad things would eventually fall a part again, and if I move with Eric I may not stay strong enough to finish school and really be a responsible adult, so I went with door number 3 and move back home. I knew that I was in a good place to excel with my mom. I was more grown than the last time I was there. I can start  new … again.

That meant that once again that I was starting over again…. and leaving people I cared about back in Texas. I was leaving Texas again. Texas is my home. Damn. Once again I was packing all my crap into a trailer and driving back to New Mexico. That was the last time I would see my dad. I didn’t care either. I knew that I would always love him and would forgive him for this…again. But I was not going to be hurt or disappointed by him again.

So when I started my days there at my high school. It was just so easy for me to go see all my old friends. It was like I never left but I was still different from them still but I was welcomed anyway. Skip forward to the summer of senior year. I was going to turn 18 soon and my mom begged me not to move out until I finished school. A month later I told her that I was pregnant. I moved out shortly after that. She told me that I didn’t have to but I needed too. I didn’t want her to raise my child because I was young. My baby’s father and I were friends and nothing more. We had sex and it was unprotected. This was my doing and I needed to ” Man up,” and take responsibility. I was scared to death but excited. I mourned my life to some extent. I was giving up my senior fun year. I was losing a lot of things that I could be doing, but I am going to be a mom.

Little did I know how much my life was going to change. I gave birth to a baby girl in April of 2001 and I would graduate high school with a six-week old baby. I remember nights falling asleep in my books while nursing her.  Her father telling me that he was moving out because he wanted to have a baby with our neighbor at the time. I was okay with that because we were friends nothing more. He also told me he wanted nothing to do with our daughter and signed a piece of paper saying that. He also just had triplet boys 18 months before our daughter was born. Their mother and I choose to stay in contact just in case they were to ever meet one day. That we would choose to teach our children of their siblings. I choose to move on with my life and started dating.

I was also young and made some choices that were very juvenile with my daughter. I wanted to party and be a mom. I couldn’t do both, but I thought I could. My daughter spent some time with her father and I was getting married soon and would be moving from the tiny town we were living in. Life happened in 3….2…..1…BOOM!

I was served with a restraining order and my daughter was taken from me just like that. Over a fraudulent claim of domestic abuse. I had a lot of choice words for that man. But I was about to embark on a crash course of a custody battle for the next 5 years of my life. Guess who was hurting the most in all of this…. My daughter. Then eventually my oldest son, then my youngest, my marriage, me.

Every week I had to spend more than hour in personal mediation, that costs an arm and leg, at least once of month we were in court, huge amounts of money for retainers for lawyers. The more emotional I got the worse the hammer came down on me. He eventually married this woman who was abusing my child, and there was nothing I could about it. Everything was falling a part. So fast.  I was married and a baby boy on his way and I was being forced to live my mom during the times I had my daughter. I very much disliked his wife. I have known her since high school, and I didn’t like her then either. He didn’t like her either but she was there and he liked having her there. He didn’t really live alone. My relationship with his parents was now in shambles and I didn’t trust any of them. Eventually, all of this destroyed my mental wellness. I ended up with postpartum depression, my marriage was falling a part, I was isolated from family, my husband was showing signs of being controlling, he too was abusing me, and he was a weekend alcoholic. Great!! I won the lottery of bad luck it felt like. I reached out for help and no one was listening to me. So I helped myself, postpartum transformed into angoraphobia and not really allowing my son to go outside in the country, and OCD. It was the way that I handled a lot of what was going on. It finally became everything that I was.

Things between my husband and I are in limbo. I eventually asked for a divorce, little did I know that he was seeing my sister and my daughters step mom behind my back. I wouldn’t learn of this until later years. Once I was done going through my self destruction phase, He and I got back together to attempt to make things work. I would get pregnant again. He wasn’t happy about anything. More than once he would beat me, the last time he did he was sober and did it in front of my daughter and my son. I was pregnant when he did it too. He would eventually tell me that he had a credible source who told him that I was not pregnant with his child but someone he called ” Sancho.” He denied our youngest son for almost three years. In that time he would also tell me that I was worthless and I didn’t deserve my children. I should just kill myself. He threw a knife at me while I was 8 months pregnant. I seriously thought about it. This was the first memory that my son remembers of me. I was sticking up for myself against his father I took that knife and stuck it in the wall and said no. Then his father struck me down onto the bathroom floor and there I laid. It sucks that is what my son remembers of those times. Is all the abuse and then his mom is gone.

I asked nothing from my ex-husband but only to be a good man and treat me good. That wasn’t happening. He had nothing to do with our new baby, and eventually he called him an abomination. We ended up leaving, and I couldn’t take my oldest son because of our divorce decree. My ex-husband would eventually help my daughters father in custody which ended up with me giving her up to them to save her from anymore hurt.

There is a bible story that it reminded me of this sort of situation… 1 Kings 3… A wise ruling. IT was this story in the Bible that got me through this moments in my life. I don’t want my children cut in two. This would surly bring them death in a worse way. I love my children with all that I am and I had to put them on the altar for God. It was the hardest thing in my life. But I also knew that my daughter would eventually come home to me. One way or another. I will never forget what I said to them the day of the adoption. Her father and his father tried to comfort me as I just signed over my rights to a woman who had ruined my life a few times at this point. I told them ‘ Get off me! You may have won this battle, But one day our daughter is going to want the truth. I know she won’t hate me at the end of this!” I walked away with all the energy I could muster at that point. I hated them. I hated myself for what I did but I knew at that moment it was the right thing to do even though other people didn’t know.

I was publicly shamed for it over and over. Little did those people know that they were only hearing her side of the story. Not mine and not my daughters. I had no need to explain myself. I took comfort that I did the right thing because I had prayed about it. I knew that I didn’t have to explain myself anymore to anyone else. Little did those people who judged me didn’t know that she was having an affair with my ex-husband for almost 6 years. When I finally confronted the whole situation with her. She told that she did have the affair and how sorry she was. I asked if her husband knew, my daughters father, she said yes, that I was the only who didn’t know. She kept saying sorry disingenuously and I told her that the apology goes to my kids because not once but twice it was split because of her actions. She later that year posted about me in a passive way on Fb and I finally fought back.

For a long time I wouldn’t dare think to cross them just in case I get to see my daughter I didn’t want to ruin that relationship by sticking up for myself. That day I had enough of bad mom bashing. After all the years I didn’t talk crap about these people, I didn’t disrespect them, I was at their mercy. I allowed them to say bad things about me and allowed people to believe them. That day was different. I flat-out said that I would tell our daughter the truth. Their response was that if I did that I would NEVER see her again. My daughter ended up calling me moments later. She wanted to know. I asked her to take some time to really think if she wanted to hear the truth. She took some time and I told her everything. Right down to every bad choice that I had held shame for. EVERYTHING!!!  I didn’t blame her step mom, dad or myself solely. It was all of our doing as well as the influence of her former step dad. It was all of us who have made her life complicated. I apologized a lot to her and knowing that my sorry’s weren’t enough to take the pain away. But what I did what done out of love for her and thought at the moment that I was doing the right thing.

After telling her all that had happened throughout her life, pieces of her life started to fit better. She was able to make sense of what was truth and what was lies. They were telling her that I was going to abort her because she was worthless before she was born, they were telling her that I gave her up because she was a pain in ass and that I didn’t want her. I mean the list goes on and on of all the crappy things that were said to her but still she held her head high and she went on her own survival mode. Her grandmother and I finally were able to work together for the betterment of my daughter. I may not have been there everyday of her life, and I have missed out on a lot of her achievements, but the moments that I did have with her I made sure that she knew how much she is loved, missed and that the teachable moments are impactful.

She now lives with me and I will help her undo all the damage that we did to her. But for once she feels like she means something to herself, and to others. She has a long road but I know that I am here with her through it all. Her grandmother and grandfather love her so very much, but they need to enjoy retirement and allow me to finish raising her. They are so loving towards my daughter and I am grateful that we were able to work together to raise such an awesome young woman.

As far as her step mom and father go. I have forgiven them. Sometimes its a lot over time of forgiving them. I still won’t talk crap about them but rather that they seek the help that they need, to seek a life that they love, that they learn to love and practice love,and to pour into others with life, I also hope that find where they are happy and less hatful towards the one person who just wanted to be loved and accepted. I pray that one day they learn to forgive themselves and who ever has caused them pain. I pray that one day there will be peace. I pray that one day they can see what a beautiful lady our daughter is but for now I am glad there is a pause in this relationship for all of them. God is working on them and that is all that I can ask for.

In all of this Father was there to help us all through. One day my daughters story is going to touch someones life. What my daughter went through was not in vain, and their story is going to matter to someone else. It was that passage that has impacted my life to make one of the hardest choices in life. Children are so precious. I know that Father loves me the  same ( A lot more) as I love my children. God had a plan the whole time, I just need a little bit of faith. I still don’t hate her step mom or dad and I won’t. It’s just not my thing.

I was wanting to go further into detail of what she’s gone through. I opted not to because there is way too much and I don’t want people to think of her step mom and dad are bad people. We don’t know the extent of their path, what we do know that we are not fighting flesh and blood but rather the demons that had taken residency within their home. We know that a young girl of 15 soon to be 16 took 10 second of courage and faith to make a choice that was best for her.I had the audience of the Holy Spirit and the knowing that Father has a plan. I just had to listen and get out-of-the-way.

When we bring things to light, the enemy can’t use them to hurt us anymore and when the enemy tries we can discern and get the guidance from The Holy Spirit. Just gotta have faith. Now my daughter has the chance for real healing and to live instead of survive. Gotta break the cycle. I am proud of her. It’s funny it has come full circle…. It started with me making adult choices as a young adult to my daughter making different adult choices now.

 

Much love…

Chapter 7 The Wall

There comes a time during the moments of change. Almost all self-help or personal development books, the journey leads to a place to overcome. I know that I have been to this place many times. I call this the wall.

The wall is a place for me that has huge signs of DO NOT ENTER! DANGER DANGER! That wall is a place of things that I don’t want to encounter ever again. I have lied to myself over and over that I don’t need to ever look over that wall ever again. Much less break it wide open all over again. F that noise. That was my exact thoughts about The Wall.

Envision the great brick wall that seems so tall and wide. That is where I kept all my shame and guilt. All the burning desires of anything that I thought was wrong and bad. Every bad thought I have ever had, every bad thing I have ever said. You name it, it went there. To me it was massive. Every bad thing that ever happen to me that I blamed myself for, went in there. So to me when the books told me to confront the things in my past that were holding me back, I envisioned me looking up at this huge brick wall then looking down in despair. I made a choice to try to go around it. I refused to revisit that place ever again. I did this for many years.

So there is a moment for me when I built this wall. I was fifteen. I had already experienced my virtue taken from me and now feeling alone. There were many guys that have ” tried,” to get in my pants as a result of this news in the tiny town I lived in. I started my freshman year that year and I met a young man my age. I didn’t think of sex like my peers did, I could care less really. He was a virgin it made it safe for me. He was scared but curious and I didn’t care. We ended up having sex, and I ended up pregnant right before summer vacation. Oh lucky me.

Sex was awkward for me to be honest. All I could think about was hurry up I feel gross. I really didn’t want to have sex. I was like reliving the trauma all over again. In fact I would stop and push him off me. I hate it. The whole darn thing. So when I got pregnant talk about a shocker. I was with my Dad and I happened to have been bucked off my horse that summer during a poker ride, and ended up needing to go to the doctor. Little did I know that my dad suspected so much more when he took me. I was sleeping more than normal. I was sleeping in the car which I never have done in my life. Showers were painful. I did tell my dad that as well. I could tell my dad anything.

So when the doctor came in she told me the news,”you hurt your back and you’re pregnant. Do you want to tell your father or would you like me too?” Whoa!  That is a lot to take in. I told her to tell my father for me and I walked out. I walked past my dad and said she wants to talk to you, and I waited in the truck. I was trying to process everything that was just told me and what was going to be told to my father. OH MY GOD!!! He is going to be so disappointed in me. He’s walking to the car…. Keep it together Kristal.

He hops into the car, and as happy as he could. “My baby is having a baby.” I lost it! I start crying and saying sorry over and over. Like it was going to change my fate in any way. He then has this bright idea that he needs to tell my mom. That was the first time I ever cursed at my dad. “Are you F-ing crazy?! She will kill us both!!” He laughed it off like I was joking! This man is insane. What the heck am I going to do, and my dad is to kind to me to tell me what he is really thinking. I am a royal screw up. A+ for me on this. In all fairness though it’s not like I was educated in real life situations to handle such things. Sure I passed health class with an A but how do I talk to my parents about this sort of thing. My sister was the one who was experienced in this arena of life, and I am not telling her crap anymore. I vowed at this point that I would not do the same thing with my kids. I would make it a safe place to ask for the things that they need in these situations before there is a baby on the way.

So I am thinking of everything and anything all at the same time, and I just want to eat my emotions. Pizza it is. I make my dad take me to pizza hut in Hillsboro OR. I sat there quietly, and my dad is encouraging me to talk. I am just sick about the whole thing. The guy in the matter was the last thing on my mind. I was overwhelmed, full of pizza and exhausted. My dad comforted me a lot that night but kept telling me that he needed to tell my mom. I yelled at him not to, and beg him not to. That I would tell her myself.

Little did I know that back home, there were problems on the home front. My step dad accused my mom of cheating on him, and they have been fighting. There were in a midst of a separation. The crap had hit the fan back home. I had no idea what I was literally flying back too. Which by the way, flying a four-hour flight while preggers sucks!! I threw up the whole time. I even had to throw up in the little bags behind the seat while taking off. It was so humiliating. When I arrived in New Mexico I was welcomed as usual but my mom wasn’t there. She always is there to get me from the airport.

I raced to the bathroom and threw up again. This made everyone suspicious of me. I have never done that. EVER!! So once I was cleaned we went to Olive Garden as usual and my step dad was wearing his sunglasses still. I was confused. I looked at my boyfriend and my brother. Neither of them knew haha but I knew something was wrong. My guilt comes rushing to my face! Did my dad tell on me?! My step starts to cry while at the table. Now I am confused. Now mind you I had no idea whats been happening while I was with my dad. Then my step dad laid it out for me. It was the hardest thing for me to hear.

“Kristal your mom and I are getting a divorce.” Oh my gosh NOOO. “I have this suspicion that she has been cheating on me.” hahaha that’s a joke. I did giggle because that was outrageous claim against my mom. She maybe a lot of things but a cheater. NOOOOPE try again. So he tells me the whole story of what he suspects of my mom. I explained to him why those were all false. Anyway that was not good enough to him but I see now that I was a teenager with no real life experience with this sort of thing… YET. They still don’t know that I am pregnant. Maybe I should have stayed with my dad. This is not going to end well. So part of the tradition of picking me up we either go shopping or to a movie. I opted for a movie because then no one had to talk. We can sit silently in our guilt and joys. My step dad and I had a lot on our minds and my brother and boyfriend know nothing. Super. So my step dad picks the movie. He picks ” A Perfect Murder.” I remember looking at my brother then my step dad as tears rolls down his face as the movie plays. Now I am concerned. He walked out and after I gathered my thoughts and my own feelings I had the rest of us follow. I felt bad for the man. There was no way my mom would ever do anything  like that to him. She actually loves this dude. He has is facts all wrong and he was on the bad end of my mom. Then there is me and my bundle of news to deal with. I knew that I couldn’t wait very long to tell my mom. Otherwise, she would be even more upset that I didn’t trust her enough to tell her right away, even though she has her own issues to tend too.

We get home I call my sister right away and talk to her about it, she told me the same thing. I needed to tell mom, but they were arguing in the dining room. I went out there to make sure my brother wasn’t in the room while they were arguing. My step dad had told my mom about what we did at some point. The next morning I was laying on the couch sick a dog and tired, and there stood my mom. She always had this look about her when she had something on her mind. I knew right then she knew. She asked me if I was up for shopping. Like I will turn that down. ” Are you feeling good enough to go shopping with me today?” she said so tenderly. I felt calm enough to tell her once we were in the car. It was just me and her. We rarely had me and her time. So I knew she knew for sure. I sat in the car, and she was backing out of the garage. ” So how far along are you?” I am stunned. Ok we are going to talk about it right now right now. I tell her that I only had found out a few days ago. To which she said that I was not going to keep it and a lecture that I am happy to never have to go through again. She then realized that I needed the How To instructions to sex. Always have condoms, don’t share my body, and the dreaded birth control talk. She asked if my boyfriend knew and I said no. She told me I had to tell him before she calls his mom. OOOOh crap a doodles, she’s calling his MOM!! Better her than me I suppose.

Later on that night, I was called to her room. She had just gotten off the phone with his mom and they both agreed that I was to get an abortion. There was no negations. Now this is where the wall is built-in a day. That choice they made for me was against everything I have ever believed. I was killing a baby that God had given me. I was committing murder and premeditated at that. There was a date and time already. There was no talking about it anymore. I was so upset. I didn’t even get to really make the choice on my own. I see where my mom was coming from. We were young and had our whole lives to have children. Which is all understandable. I get that logic but my relationship with God might change. What if he hates me for this. I am a failure at this too. They all agreed except me. I finally accepted the day before we went.

I remember the sonogram before the procedure, seeing that baby in there. Hearing its heartbeat. I remember it all. I remember being sedated and telling them no as they sucked the baby out of me. That is what it felt like anyway. They told me it was too late and to get up and get dressed. I threw up and sat in the recovery room with other women who hung their heads low. I walked out aware of everything and we went out to eat. It was the first thing I was able to eat in like a month. The after effects of that drug made me feel happy. I wish it could have lasted a lot longer than that day, because that night I felt a darkness over me and it stayed for a long time. I haven’t been able to talk about it until this last year. There were so many unanswered questions for me. I needed to know that I was going to be okay at the end of all of this and no one could tell me. I reached out for help but the therapist wanted me to talk about it. There is that wall again. That stupid tall brick wall.

I stare at the wall, as the therapist is asking me to talk to my dead baby. What would you say to that. I just stared at that brick wall that I couldn’t get over. So I left. I left that mans office and didn’t look back. I was ok. I can get past this. I know that I can. The last thing the therapist kept getting at was forgiveness. That is a strong word for me at that point. How can I forgive this? How can I forgive my boyfriend? How can I forgive my mom? How can I forgive myself? How can God forgive me? So many questions. So many choices had to be made for my future and yet there was this large darkness that had overwhelmed me once more. Maybe it was always waiting in the wings. Maybe God was punishing me.

Well these are all questions that we ask about our Creator isn’t it? Why does God allow bad things to happen? He has to be testing me, right? How can He can forgive even the worst people? Well I may have answer for ya. I had all the same questions throughout many events in my life. Some you will get to know soon enough, but those questions above in these moments I have an answer for.

God, our Father, He allows situations to happen because he has bestowed us with a blessing to cross paths with someone else and our testimony is going to impact that person’s life. Or because we simply didn’t listen to his answer about something he said no to, so he allows us to go through these situations. Always remember that you’re never alone in your situation He already knows how its going to end, and He doesn’t walk you to your situations doorstep just to leave you to go on the journey alone. It’s all about faith that you know He is going to be there to help you through. And at the end of the journey the glory goes to God. Your story matters. You have to have the courage to open your mouth to speak it.

God didn’t leave me in my time of my abortion. I left me. I left everything behind that stupid wall. God was there all along He was waiting for me to take his hand so he can help me out, but I never took it. I went along a very dark path. Dark to me anyway. I acted out. I smoked weed, I had sex again, I drank a lot. I lied. I stopped caring. I was going to do what I wanted to do regardless who it was going to hurt. I went to parties and eventually I went back to my Dads. But God never left me. He walked right by me the whole time just waiting. Telling me softly to not do what I was about to do. Telling me that I was worth it, I shut him out. How can he forgive such an unforgivable sin. That is what I thought for a long time. So how did all these answers come to me.

There is a story that will come later but here is what I will tell you now. The day that I met Jesus, the Holy Spirit, and heard God once more is the day that all those answers came to me. I asked God for forgiveness for the abortion, and he said with a loud Yes. I was asked if I could forgive myself and I started crying. I said Yes. I felt Him hold me close to him. I was being hugged by my Father. I have not ever felt love like that. I learned right at that moment…. What love was. Unfiltered love. I just cried in that couch and cried. I have not ever felt something so pure in my life. I was told that I would one day meet that baby and he was safe. I know how why we go through the things we do. One way or another people come into our lives or we are called to serve Him in ways that we didn’t think were possible. Philippians 4:13 I know now what I am called to do for him. That is to tell you my story. He got me out of the darkness in such a way.

So I am writing this out today because I knew that this is part of the wall that I am knocking out of my life. This is the start of the hard stuff that is yet to be written about. So all week I knew I had to write this part out, and I was staring at that wall in minor defeat. But I knew that I can do this because this is my calling. I will no longer have this brick wall to stare at in defeat but to stare at this wall knowing it’s already been defeated and it is no longer there. I will walk through that shame and guilt with my head held high because my Father has already defeated the enemy and the victory has already been won. All you need is a little bit of faith and courage. I know that my story is going to reach who it is meant to reach. I say there is hope even if your faith is a small as a mustard seed. God can do a lot with that mustard seed. I love you all.