It’s Time Dear Daughter…

Hi there… its been good while since we’ve connected… and man so much has happened. Like whoa!! God’s fingerprints are all over the place …. like always! Haha so lets dive right in..

I believe the last thing that was talked about was the new season I am in. You know for the most part of the hardships that have been here but thats not the focus here at all, the focus is that I didn’t let go of God. I kept going forward even though it was scary… and let me tell you it is scary … but not in a fearful scary way, its scary in the sense that I was being stretched and willing to go through the events with GOD and not alone. Because lets keep it real.. In my own strength I would have given up a long time ago..

Where my strength ends… HIS begins… Grace y’all… Love and HIM!!

Trust me when I say I would have given up… But I am so grateful I didn’t … He has blessed me in new ways ..

I want to talk about this subject of giving up and kind of give a testimony to it a bit… maybe someone out there needs to read this message today…

Recently Holy Spirit has been leading me to a space that seems taboo to my human mind… The evidence was there, the confirmation was there, and still I was sort of being a doubting Thomas and still didn’t believe that this was the path needed to happen.. So God being so gracious and patient with me… I got even more evidence and conformations. Then I went through a slight disobedient phase there… then I realized that I was being selfish. Yup thats right.. I was being selfish and disobedient.

I was being called out of a relationship with a man that I have loved with all my being. Hard to believe I know but its true. When it was confirmed for me in my heart. My heart broken into unspeakable pieces and a sweet voice said to me that Jesus in mourning with me but its time.

This man is a great man and has done so much. God wants to do new fresh things in both of our lives and I believe that with all my heart. I know that there is a great healing that needs to happen in this family and families. We have been through so much and at this point I have felt that I have been standing in the way. That’s a personal conviction of my own and what was being shown to me. I just had to see for myself. So I had to do the hard thing… I had to open my mouth and start the hard conversation which happened several months ago… lots of tears and words were exchanged. I just held onto God and Holy Spirit for guidance because lets keep it real here… Anyone who knows Jesus knows how He feels about marriage. But He is also God! He knows way more than me and knows how the story really ends.

Over the course of these months a lot of life has happened. I was looking for a place and a new job in Colorado… I was shown in a dream of me looking over a valley while sitting on a mountain top. Y’all I could feel the smile on my face and the warmth of the sun on my face and I hear a loud boom. Like a gun shot. This was the second time a dream like that happened. I didn’t feel as if I was in danger or anything, I felt as though that wasn’t where I was going to be. The next day plans were made to go to Colorado and start looking around. Having almost a knowing that I wasn’t going to find what I was looking for there still plans were made and solidified. The following day after that I had a job interview with a local shop here in my hometown, and I got a message from my favorite boss of all time that she was in town and wanted me to stop by and visit. To which I agreed. I haven’t seen her in what seems like forever. I was super excited to see her.

I get to where she’s at and we just started talking and I haven’t been to my store in a long time. We just started talking like we use to. She just simply asked me in her way ” too bad you don’t want to come back.” To which I said that I have been applying for some time to come back. She happened to get a call and had to step away. I was just looking around my old store thinking all sorts of thing. I have always loved doing my job there. I mean I love what I did there and for that company. Anyway she came back and told me that I can have my job back if I were to accept. To which my heart did this weird thing when I know its the right thing to do in the moment. I think they call that conviction. Humbly I accepted my position back to the very job that I love, the store that I love, and the company. What a huge blessing!! Talk about God’s provision! So with a task list at hand and the allotted time I was given to get my affairs in order before I started back. We still went to Colorado and had a great time. My daughter was relieved that she wouldn’t have start over again, and I was in awe in God’s hand in my life. I felt like a child and I will admit that I felt a hope in my marriage that maybe this would be something that would restore it. But thats really me being selfish….again.

I was given gentle nudges and redirection of where I need to be… If God is closing that its not okay for me to stand in the way of that…. again. I certainly don’t want to find out what my disobedience would cause. So the subject came up again between my husband and myself. I will be honest I tried to deflect from the subject several times.

Then God blessed me again… with another confirmation by two unlikely vessels. A truck I have always admired was up for sale. It happens to be parked behind my job and I just happen to see it from where I was backing out of the parking lot. I reach out to the seller and I asked them to not sell it until I knew from the bank by the end of the day. Which is a total weird experience walking into the bank for a loan … that was a new thing for me too. I was so excited and nervous but mostly giddy … I sat down confidently and asked for a loan. To my surprise I was able to get the truck loan on my own. This was a confirmation that I can do this alone.

So why is this such a much bigger deal? Well, I have been waiting a long time to get my own truck since I was 22 years old and to get my dream truck… That is a huge blessing!! I never gave up, I waited patiently and didn’t rush the process. I wanted to a few times but I pumped the brakes on it and waited. God’s timing is so perfect. Well this is also a bigger deal because what you guys didn’t know was that we were talking about splitting up long before this all happened. I didn’t want to do things in a rash thing or emotionally. I want to be in God will that he wants for me. This was just one confirmation. When I called my Mom to tell her about my truck and that she was a reference for my loan she told me something, she said ” Kristal, this just shows that you can do this on your own.” I didn’t see it that way until she said that. Thank you God.

So the next thing was to find a place. I reached out to a few people for places to rent after figuring out what that budget would look like realistically where I live. Where I live isn’t exactly an affordable place, but He will provide. I reached out to an old friend and she asked if I ever considered buying a home. To which I said ” of course, but I just dont think that is in my cards.” I mean it makes sense to buy its more affordable to live… in the long run. She gave me a contact to call to see if I would be able to pre-qualify… talk about a scary moment… I at there in my chair staring at my phone, and trust me the enemy was all up in my business about that trying to feed five second lies, to which I didn’t bite into…Instead I surrendered it to God and let Him do what he does. If its in my cards then it is …

A few days passed and I was told that I pre-qualified and I was able to start looking at homes. I ended up finding the perfect one and a perfect piece of land to go with it, nestled back in the woods. I was driving home not knowing how to feel about it, so just talking about it all with Him and he blessed me again by a simple explanation… Blessed. I started to cry and peace overwhelmed my heart. Now I have to continue doing what I am suppose to be doing. Keep moving forward. Trust God and do good.

So where are we now in all this process? Well, we have promised to stay friends and be kind to each other. He has his own blessings coming his way. There is a great healing that will be happening. Of course I dont want to encroach on his space or be disrespectful, we respect each other and do life in a new way until everything is final.

We both have to learn what being single looks like and be a part and rediscover new things about ourselves, which in its own a great thing.

I have been so fortunate to hang out with great people that I feel so comfortable with and belong with. I feel free in a good way. I love that I am able to go the woods and not worry about anything. If I want to go hunting I can, if I want to go hang out with friends I can. I am learning what it feels like to be acquainted with me again, and learning what I do and don’t like and sticking to that. I am not afraid to laugh at myself and all my silliness. I am excited for what God is going to do next. Sure this whole thing is hard but not hard in a sad way, I guess I feel that way because I know that this in itself is a blessing for everyone. There is a lot healing of hurts that need to be healed on all sides. It’s not him or just me… or our kids… its just time..

It’s just time my sweet daughter.. that is what was nudged to me the night that this all came to light in a mutual way. There wasn’t tension anymore in the house. Almost like a breath of fresh air happened. I can’t speak for him but that is what it felt like to me. I suppose I see a much bigger picture than past hurts and good times. I choose to focus on the new beginning of this walk. There is nothing in the past for me. There is nothing in the past for anyone. It’s good to reflect on things just not live there. I have chosen to embrace this and go with it. I choose to focus on God and where he wants me to go. I choose to seek his face when I fall short. I choose to see him when I do something good. I choose to be humble. I choose to be good and not ugly because there is no more room for that in my life. I choose not to give up and hold on to God through all things. Good and bad.

I think I got so used to feeling cozy in this space I was in. As I approach my third year of recovery, I am feeling a new space that is large and it has made me feel uncomfortable because it feels so vast. I feel that I am constantly asking God for assurance, then reminded quickly where my feet are. They are not in the void of space they are standing firmly on my Rock. The same Rock who has always been there. So I stand firmly in where I am in life.

I can candy coat this situation, but I will tell you this. It was not easy having to be the person to say the hard things. Agreeing to my faults, and to see a hurt in his eyes and relief. He may not admit that part but I can only tell you what I saw that night that the final acceptance happen for the two of us. It looks and feels different for the two of us. We will always love each other but we both know that this is the best thing for both of us and our families. I know that his walk is going to be much different than mine, however I am excited for him and his family. I know that I am excited to stretch out a little and see what is in store for me as well.

Now I do want to say this. I am not endorsing divorce by any means. When you are married you work at that marriage with all that you’ve got. Nothing about marriage is easy in the hard parts but man to have someone who loves you and all that you are and vice versa is a beautiful thing. Work at it, do all that you can to make it work. I know that I have done all that I can to make this work and I can walk away because I know the depths of what has happened in this area in my life. I will not dishonor this man and his family out of pettiness. I will encourage and empower him to do awesome things in his life. We know what has happened and what hasn’t happened. I don’t hate him, dislike him or anything like that. He is a good man and deserves great things in his life and I know that God is going to bless him more than he can ever dream of. I have full confidence and faith that God knows what He is doing. He is GOD!! He knows everything and every heart. This is a unique thing and I embrace it and choose to follow God in this time. I respect the man I have spent nearly a decade with.

So this is my way of saying this… We are getting divorced and this is a good thing and mutual. And much more than a facebook relationship status change. We don’t want our friends or family to freak out. We are in a good space right now and plan to keep that mutual respect for each other. He has been there for me the best that he knew how and I love him for that.

This is a bittersweet blog but God is totally in this situation. I didn’t give up on what I suppose to be doing. I am surrendered to what I am to do at this moment. I held on to promises that have been given to me. I may not know what our future holds but I am sure excited to see what happens. This is just a small testimony for someone out there that may need this. But to also show that God is In all things. Big or small he is there walking right along with you and has made your line straight. To me these blessings that were given to me were to urge me in the direction of His will and not that of my own. I know that great things are coming for all of us in the household. So that is where I am right now.

It’s Time daughter to smile and stretch your wings!

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Life Worthy of Living<

We all have experienced loss. Loss of people in our lives, loss of those who have touched our lives, loss of pets, loss of friendships, loss of jobs…. all sorts of losses right?!

There is a loss that I want to talk about. Recently, I have loss someone who has touched my life. Pretty unforgettable human. The lives that this person has touches is pretty huge. Their passing won’t be remembered nearly as much as this persons legacy. This person LIVED!! I mean really lived. This person had great friends in their life, a wonderful family, memories, and has seen the world, and experienced things in their life that were wholesome and amazing. This persons memory and legacy will live on through their family, friends and all others who were touched by his presence.

Losing someone is one of the hardest things we experience emotionally. That is my experience and my opinion. In this loss of this bright joyous light of a person, it made me take some time to reflect…. I was taking personal inventory of my time. My only asset in this life.

Time is an asset that we all have moments taking for granted. We don’t know when we will be called home, we simply don’t know. But we live our everyday lives in our normal routines. I can’t and won’t speak for everyone for this matter… because we all live how we do.

For me though, I needed to take the time to reflect, process and pray. As I was looking back on my own life, I realized somethings. I have done some pretty awesome things. Although, I didn’t travel the world in my twenties or setting my sails for winning the corporate ladder… I became a Mother and then a wife. That is where my adventure started. I am so lucky that I am able to have that adventure because there are so many that are unable to. I was blessed with a daughter who will be graduating High School a year from now, and two sons. 17, 15, and 12. They are very much a part of my adventure. Never really a dull moment to say the least. Every child is an individual and man they are definitely mine. They are great kids.

There are some of my friends who are now starting families and my hat goes off to them because I don’t think I could do it in my thirties. I don’t know if I would have the energy. (As I giggle to myself) But the one thing that I do enjoy is watching how my children develop into the humans that they will be. It’s hard to watch them struggle at times, and its an absolute joy to see them thrive in what they are passionate about. And even though my daughter is going to be off into the world next year, I encourage her to see the world with new eyes. To do the things that make her happy, and that can be scary. To make memories. I am not sure what I will say with my sons yet. But rest asured that I will have something to say.

I don’t regret having children early, there are so many people who have asked me if I do. The answer is no. I enjoy that I am a young mother. I am not to sure if my daughter is okay with it at times when people think we are sisters or best friends. I wish I could describe her face when people give those compliments. It’s a look of ” isn’t it obvious she is my Mom?” Or when her friends come over they forget that I am an adult. ” Keeley’s Mom you’re welcome to hang out with us, you’re so cool.” Thank you but no…. The things they talk about are things I don’t want to listen to all the time…. silly kids. My boys are amazing too. The one thing we love to do, is laugh, sing, dance, play harmless pranks on each other. All of us just enjoy each others company. I love that God has chosen me to be their Mom and I am blessed to call them my children.

Family is such a huge thing for me. My father wasn’t around a whole lot, but my step father was. He raised me. My Mom and my step mother are huge parts of my life. My Granddaddy was my dude that I looked up too. My Granny Gail was wise and really someone I wanted to make proud too. Not to mention all my aunts and uncles that played vital roles in my raising. Family is awesome.

Since having my children I did move back to my hometown to raise them. They get to have that close community sense. For all those who grew up here in Los Alamos know exactly what I mean. It is Mayberry on a mountain top if Northern New Mexico. It really is a whole different place, but it isn’t the place where I want my kids to stay forever. I want them to see the world and experience new things in life. To travel and experience new cultures, to have cross-country road trips, to experience life in a new way.

Which brings me to this place in my own life. What are my plans… there are times where I feel that I am growing up at the same time as my children. I will be 41 when my youngest graduates high school and is off doing what he wants to do in life. So that leaves me here in this moment…. what are my plans? What are my plans now that the kids will soon be off doing their own thing? Who will I become?

So I am sitting here, and I am finishing my college application, praying that I will get in. Seeing the big world for what it is… a small dot in a mass of space and time that I have yet to explore myself. I feel like I am 18 again and trying to figure it all out but I love that I am now in this place, because the world is at my feet, I just have to make the choice to walk. Allow God to guide my steps. I feel inspired to live a life worth living.

To experience new things. To start checking things off my Bucket list and live!! I mean really live!! I want to add more feathers to my hat, I want my grandchildren to see that Memaw ( Thats what I want to be called when that day happens.) did awesome things and did it fearlessly, that I never stopped chasing my dreams, that I never gave up no matter how hard it got, that I loved with such deep love, that I cried with hope still in my heart, that I love Jesus and followed Him until the very end. That I wasn’t afraid to go into scary places and pray for and with others, that I walked around with joy in my heart and passion for life and even the worst parts of mankind couldn’t touch or taint my perspective of people. That one-act of kindness goes a long way, forgiving others quickly because you don’t know what they may be going through and maybe they need you to be that one person to let them know that they aren’t alone and that all things are possible, that I was able to conquer going into the ocean or try skydiving at least once in my life. Or that I was able to be successful when NO One believed that I could do the impossible because my dream seemed so big to others… never forgetting that when I felt alone that I was never alone.. there was two us walking that journey together… Admitting when I was wrong and accepting that I was perfectly made, that even when I stood alone a lot of times in my life that I never backed down from adversity and opposition. That even when my thoughts and beliefs were much different from others that I didn’t allow the enemy to take my confidence, that I was teachable and willing to listen and learn. That I wasn’t perfect nor did I want to be. That I didn’t really like hot weather unless there was a pool, that I had to have my favorite smells surrounding me, that I worshipped God with all that I had and didn’t worry what others thought because He was receiving my love in those moments. That I was all for playing outside when its raining outside, I wasn’t afraid to laugh to hard or loudly, that I wasn’t afraid to sing a little louder than others, or hug a complete stranger. I want to be remembered for how I lived my life not how I died, because I know that I will be with Jesus and I will be waiting for all of you on the other side. I don’t want anyone to really mourn me, but I would love for everyone who I may have impacted in this life to do something that you may not have ever done before, remember me in how I lived, laugh, sing, dance, write, hug, love, hope and care, respect and gosh darn it…. LIVE!!!

I know that God didn’t create me to fit into people’s boxes. I know that more than ever now in my life. Almost everything that I have done and accomplished in life wasn’t because I was able to fit in someones box of life. I was made for something much bigger than I think. This loss has changed something within me a little more… I can’t imagine how his life and the loss of his life has changed others since the news came. My first thoughts were of his sisters, wife and child and his best friends.

To you all who were impacted by Ethan’s life I have this to say…. may not be the last thing I say…. but here goes:

Do something amazing today

Remember that you are loved

Remember who is was

Laugh

Call that old friend you’ve been meaning to call

Take that trip you’ve been putting off

Start that family

Start that career

Chase after your dreams

Hug your children and kiss them as many chances you get

Don’t be afraid to stand alone

Love

Have faith

Sing with all your might

Make that coffee date

Learn something new

Be silly

Remember all the good times

Make new memories

Take pictures

Allow God to mend your hearts with His silver thread of love and hope. Know that Ethan is doing Ethan stuff in his eternal life and He is waiting for you on the other side. Cry as much as you need, and laugh. Allow yourselves to be filled with great love, hope and laughter through this time. Gods great healing hand is in this with us all. I pray that in this time that ties are mended, the broken are mended, the tears of sadness and mourning turn into tears of joy and love, I pray that there is salvation and change, and a new beginning starts here. I pray that this moves you to a place of redemptions and peace. I love each and every one of you. I leave you with these scriptures.

” The Lord is closest to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in Spirit.” Psalms 34:18

“Do everything in love.” 1 Corinthians 16:14

” I will lead the blind by the ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths. I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them.” Isaiah 42:16

Ethan was a funny, joyous, bright light in darkest days, he was a philosopher, saw the world with a much different set of eyes, the friendships he had are fortified in love, fun and compassion. He traveled the world, he loved, he impacted so many lives, he simply lived. His gift to us was that.. He lived and made us laugh. Thank you Ethan for this wonderful gift. You are remembered and will be remembered. Thank you personally for this moment and inspiration. May your adventure start in a new fresh way.

Talk about it Tuesday

Well, things are just moving right along y’all. I feel like I am finally getting my groove in things. I knew the season would be winding down. It has been a crazy 6-8 months of life for me. Not that I am counting or anything, and not to say that things are roses and rainbows, but they do feel not so overwhelming. I don’t feel that the other shoe is about to drop. We all have those moments right?! Like what else could happen? When actually its not our job to really know what the future holds. Today has its own problems, can’t worry about tomorrow. (Matthew 6:24 NIV) And with a lot of practice of being mindful and being in the present moment helps a ton with being grounded.

I can recognize and accept the emotions that come with the situation, but not be consumed by them. Now for me unlike other healthy people, it still takes me a while to work through situations and the emotions that come with that. Sometimes even days and weeks, especially if its a big ordeal. It’s the one time I actually have to fight back the old ways of coping. Like full on OCD blowout to just cope. It’s like a frantic cleaning, freak out then go back to cleaning, setting rules and limitations for everyone, then back to over doing the rituals over and over. Now, I know doing those things don’t actually help me or benefit me as a person. It does however get all the cleaning and gets the things I need or want evened out, or the trash all out of the way at once. Or I will try to read and research a something until its almost tunnel vision when I am trying to cope. It’s really unhealthy. At least now I am in a place where its not so extreme at all, I really rely on Him first, then do things in moderation until I am able to calm down, and figure out what I need to do and feel better.

So, that isn’t what I wanted to talk about. My second year anniversary is coming up with my recovery. It’s a super emotionally filled mine field at times. This year is no exception, in fact more traumatic events happened in this part of the year. Let me back up … This is the hardest time of year because three years ago is when I was going through one of the toughest times in my life. I lost Granddaddy, I was over working myself in a job I loved, I was going through a tough time in my marriage, I was going through something with my kids that I still won’t really talk about, and then my boys moved out right before Christmas to their dads, and I couldn’t hold it anymore and finally attempted suicide. Twice! That’s why its a hard time this time of year for me in a nutshell.

So the first year of recovery at this time of year, I was basically living in bed, hopeless and full of sadness. I didn’t want to shower, I was only leaving my bed to get some food to bring back to my room, all activities stopped. I didn’t even know I was doing it until I was called out about it. Then I was like “Oh, what am I doing?!” I was able from that moment really SEE what I was doing and use the skills that I was learning and applying to get myself out of bed and live. This year, there have been new events that have added to this time of year, and I was internally freaking out a bit. Because I knew going into this time of year that I can’t live in bed, or not shower, among other things. Then other things started happening and it felt like chaos!!

So I needed to put all I knew into action and use this time to really put my weaker practices into action as well. More importantly I needed to stay as grounded as possible. GROUNDED!! I needed to be the deeply rooted tree in the storm. I needed to be able to sway in the storm but stay rooted. I knew I might lose some of my leaves and branches but I needed to see the joy and that maybe I needed some pruning. See what I did there. Haha So I stayed rooted in my faith, hope and the love He has for me. Seek direction in the Word of God, and get a lot of guidance and not be afraid. Another thing was to talk about it. I searched for a therapist that could help someone in my situation, and I couldn’t find one that could help me. I can’t always take up my support systems time, so I was able to call the suicide hotline ( 1-800-273-8255, https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ ) on those really bad nights. They were able to help me when I needed. Then I was able to talk with some friends about stuff, and it was nice to see things in a new fresh way. But no matter what I still needed to go through the emotional part of things and actually go through it all and at my pace. Which I am doing. I still get sad but I dont sit in the sadness all day. I recognize that I am feeling that emotion and express that and do what I need to do to cope. #SelfCare #SelfLove

So a friend of mine reached out to me a couple of weeks ago asking if I was okay, because there was a trend there where I wasn’t doing what I normally do. Once again, I was reminded in that moment to be aware of what I am doing or not doing in this time. Sometimes it takes someone from the outside to call me out, and she did. I confided in her on what was on my mind and what I was going through and that my anniversary was coming up; what she said to me impacted me. She told me to celebrate it. I never thought about it in that way. I thought about it like ” Just survive it Kristal once its past you’ll be fine.” But to celebrate it… whoa my mind was blown. God was telling me something and delivered the message through her. #PraiseGodandHisGoodWork #ThanksMelinda So I what did with that nugget of good ol LOVE, was really celebrate the days coming as that date approaches. By really loving myself. I am blessed to have such great friends in my life. They are an answered prayer. He keeps on giving. So for those of you who are in a place that is hard to cope in this time of year I have this to say.

I know what you may be feeling. I may not know your situation or what you are going through, but the emotional parts I hear you. They aren’t forever, they too move on to a different emotion and it keeps going. I encourage you to get out of bed, whatever small or big reason you give yourself to make that a action happen do it. If it means, that you need to eat breakfast and smell like a clean human, and thats your motivation to get out of bed, then do it. I encourage you to reach out to talk to someone. Sometimes we just need to unload all that baggage and need someone to listen. Trust in faith that someone in your life wants to listen and be there for you, let them and give yourself the permission to allow them to do it for you. If you dont have anyone or feel that you dont, call the hotline. I think they even have it to where you can text now. Do something to make yourself feel good, like getting flowers, draw, take a bath, make some cookies, watch a silly movie. Just to name a few. Find joy in the moments that you do for yourself. And if you’re in a place where you’ve lost someone too, celebrate all the great things this person has done or made you feel while they were here. When Granddaddy passed I mourned his loss for a long time. I still cry when I think of him not being here, but I also remember all the silliness and how loving he was. That man loved me and that is what I remember and hold on too. I don’t have all the answers but I know this time of year is hard on a lot of people all around the world. If you are reading this and you are one of those people, you are not alone. If you are reading this and know someone who is going through a hard time during this season, reach out to them, you never know what your presence means to them. You might be exactly what they needed in this time of their live. Love each other, be kind and be good to yourself and each other. Be light in the dark.

With that said have a great day and smile.

With love,

Kristal

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