What Is That Smell …

This is going to be one of those stories that will either make you or break you … So here we go … I was thinking of the post that I was going to do today… and there is just so much shit that is going on that it triggered a memory… A very embarrassing story but nonetheless a story that is true and needs to be aired out…

The story starts out like this… It’s a cold October night. I am having dinner with my parents with my infant son. I am there to visit but also to receive a car that they have generously given to me. Aren’t I a lucky duck! It was a great blessing because I really needed a car at that time in my life. Anyway, there are certain foods that I ate that night that I knew that I would later regret. Although worth it normally, on this night not so much….

After a great meal and said our goodbye along with safe travel wishes, my son and I were on our way back home… 60 minutes away. Normally this isn’t something that would shock me.. I actually like to drive, I was looking forward to it… Well, It was until I reached the point of no return. That is when things started… it was the beginning of the end for me.

So I am driving through the Jemez mountains and my son starts crying 15 minutes into our trip. Nothing that a little breast-feeding won’t cure, right?! NOOOOPPPE. I pull over and get in the back and nurse him, burp him and love on him. I put him back in the car seat and hop in the driver’s seat, I buckle in and BOOM!! The gut wrenching pain of ” I GOTTA GO POOOO NOW” hits me. I am not quite panicked just yet. I think that I can make it home before it’s all hits the fan .. If you know what I mean….

So I’m driving along doing all that I can to distract myself from the impending doom in my gut. I am singing and just enjoying the distraction, until the pain comes back… you all know that pain I am talking about… Then my son starts crying again… I pull over again.. to see if he needed a diaper change. Now mind you I am just 10 minutes into driving from the last stop. I check his diaper and he is all good, but he won’t stop crying! I check to see if there is something poking him in the car seat, make sure that he seated correctly. I mean I checked everything. Then I started to think maybe he is going through a growth spurt. He was close to the next growth spurt so I nursed him again, and it seemed to accelerate the feelings of having to go even worse!!

Now I have the poo pains and sweats. I feel that I am dying… yup this is how it ends for me… I finish nursing him and get him back into the car seat and off we go again… The wrenching that I feel is down right cruel and to the point where I was just going to pull over in the cold and go in the woods. But I can’t ever bring myself to GO in the woods to go. Not number 2 anyway…  Then I was even considering just going in my pants! I just want the pain to go away! I am desperate! At this point, I am at the half way point home… He starts crying again, and I am self talking my gut down off the ledge… if you catch my drift… I was at the point where you can’t trust a fart. I even turned down the radio so that I hear my own agony.

I pull over once more to see what could possibly wrong again… I am doing all that I can so I don’t mess myself, wreck and ensure that my child is safe. Finally, I figure it out. He wanted his pacifier, and there was a piece of his blanket stuck between his car seat and its base so he was uncomfortable. Success … For the win is me and my son… My son is content and now I can get moving… I have been on the road now for an hour, I should have been home by now. But now I just needed to get to a bathroom … Like 30 minutes ago!! You know those moments where you are so into what you are doing that you drive slower to concentrate… yea that was me that night.

With my son happy I was able to drive and talk to myself to encourage my nether regions to corporate… ” Just wait… you can do this!” or ” Just get to this mile marker…” and ” yay you made it through the last 15 minutes, good job!” I mean it was embarrassing and it was just me in the car. So I finally take the turn to get to my house. I was literally minutes away from a toilet!! My toilet!! And that is when my gut was ” You BETTER HURRY LADY, IMMA BLOW SOON!! LIKE NOOOOWWWW!!” Taking deep breaths and just talking a little louder to myself to distract myself… I am so close… I pull into my driveway… and That was it…. I get out there is hope for me… my body choose otherwise… Right there as soon as I get out my car, it happened, so involuntary.. I was humiliated… I scream for my then husband to get the baby… as I ran into the house, past my oldest son and into the bathroom… My oldest son yells from the other room… ” MOM DID YOU POOP YOURSELF?!” Then came into the bathroom to investigate the happenings, and while I sit on the pot in pure agony and humiliation, he tells me ” Momma you know how to go potty, why did you poop in your shorts?” I couldn’t do anything but laugh in that moment.

Then my husband, at the time, walks in and sees me there, and just laughs, then starts a shower for me. He then asked if I had the sopapillas. I said yes, followed by ” I thought I had enough time.” I got into the shower and he gathered my messed clothes and started the washer. After everything was all said and done… I was able to enjoy the experience of it all. Which brings me here to why this is reverent to the right now…

Shit happens… I went through many stages.. denial, bargaining, wishful thinking, thinking I could out smart the situation, frustration, humiliation, acceptance and finally humor in it all. Once I accepted that this was happening there was no more embarrassment from it really. I was able to tell this story to a few close friends and all my family. It was too good not to share, and now I am sharing this with you.

In the season that I am going through now, there is a lot of things that remind me of this moment. I have to remind myself that I am not in control and there are things that I have to surrender even though I don’t want to. I am able to see through the crap and just allow it to happen, because there is a blessing in it all.  I have a great story to tell, maybe not one that everyone wants to hear but equally entertaining. I find myself smiling because I know that I’m almost “home,” in the sense that I know that this is just a season in my life and that I am growing from all of this.

Once, my focused changed to joy in a crappy situation I was able to see the “Shower,” and enjoy the little moments of fun and laughter with my family. I know that the season will change soon and things are going to be different and a little more mindful of what not to “eat.” and what NOT to eat. Well I hope this story gave you a little giggle, and maybe some insight… I still eat sopapillas  but only if I know I am close to the bathroom…

Chapter 12 Just One of Those Days…

Today was just one of those days where nothing and everything just seems not together. I would normally call these days ” character building,” days but I don’t think that would suit today. There wasn’t really anything to really build except … maybe.. Not to take things so serious all the time. Maybe even to take a page out of my own book and not make it about me but rather that something or someone is in need of what I am going through in the moment.

So I have been having nightmares the last couple of nights. I know now that is a way for the enemy to try to get a foothold on something, But somewhere in that dream there was a nugget of hope and a way out. I will spare you the details of the dream but it was in a movie theater, with  old wooden floors and I was talking to someone then went to the bathroom, then it went off into something else. That was the nugget. So I know that it has something to do with getting rid of something. So I will do my part in getting rid of that whatever it is, but here is where I know that I am struggling a little bit.

I can normally hear where I am supposed to go, but since I haven’t been sleeping well the enemy uses that to create confusion. Father doesn’t do confusion. Enemy …0 Father … a boat load more numbers… Kristal actually and finally seeing discernment A++. Good Job Kristal… any who… So when I woke this morning, it was chaos from the get go. Not once did I think to just have a quick ” Hey Father, Good morning, Thank you for waking me up today, I love you and this day is yours, what would you like me to do with it? Oh and by the way I am having these crazy dreams, Holy Spirit do you think you can help me out with that?” But NOOOOOO I choose to moan about not feeling well and crawling into back into my bed and sleeping another three hours.

I was really grateful to wake up less icky than the previous time I woke up. I was ready to start the day. It was late I was rueful about that but I was up and moving… ish. I do my usual, tend to the dogs, start the coffee, look in the fridge and not get anything to eat but grab the creamer for that coffee. Priorties you know! I Look at the massive pile of things on my kitchen table, roll my eyes, get my coffee fixed up and back to my bedroom I go. I am trying to find all these excuses to not do anything with my day except when I need to. I know I have appointments and meetings today but I can procrastinate… Right??

Once I was perched on my bed I started to fidget with my nose, figured now would be a good time to tighten my nose ring… wait… there is something wrong…. The top part is there …. where is the post that goes inside my nose!?? I couldn’t feel it… I started going through mental talks of ” DON’T Suck up through your nose…. DON’T you do it!!” Mindfulness is super helpful…. BTW’s… So I blow my nose instead of sucking up my clogged nose… Sure enough there is the post in the tissue! Panic… and relief all at the same time.

As excited I am to find the post, but there is one problem… How the heck is this going back in? My fat phalanges can’t fit in my tiny nostril? I like to think that I am creative… I need tape as a third hand … then I can find this tiny hole on the inside of my nose… yeah .. totally makes sense. I dig through my room and find that super crazy double-sided tape… “This will work.” I told myself confidently as I am holding the post the opposite end in my nose. I really don’t want it to close. This actually means something to me and I really like the piercing. So I sit in front of my magnifying mirror and started to get to work. I was so determined to get this back in on my own. The next thing I know… My phone is blowing up. It’s all my awesome Ysisters with work … I thought for sure that I can tell them what’s going on, maybe they will have some words of wisdom. Nope instead it turned into how we can market this incident, and I loved it. I couldn’t stop laughing, my nose is starting to hurt. So my best friend with all her wisdom was kind enough to tell me the things I need to do in the future. My husband is now texting me, and I am hyper focused on getting this in. I ask about his day and he got a lot accomplished.

I throw in the towel after a good twenty miuntes of hard work. I have to make a thirty minute trip to have the professionals take over. I felt like a total noob! My bestie and hubs got a good giggle. I think… okay maybe annoyed. As I embark on my journey to a nearby city… I am talking with Father. I know that He has a plan for today and realize that it’s not about me today. Not that I am saying that I am the focus any other day, but I was thanking Him for allowing me the opportunity to get out of the house and be out doing stuff. I also know that whatever this is about isn’t going to be about me and that I am going to touch a life today. Even if it’s because I am getting my nose ring put back in. I laughed to myself thinking how silly this all was. I did have other plans to NOT do anything with my day. I am grateful that didn’t happen.

I enjoyed the drive and when I arrived and waited my turn for the professional to fix my issue at hand. Once it was my turn… I was explaining what I didn’t accomplish and the only thing I did manage to do was cause swelling on my nose. Mind you I have a Ear, Nose and Throat appointment in a couple of hours from this moment. He attempts to put it in , and while we were talking about life in general, he breaks the post. Good thing he is prepared and has backups. So he put the new one in, and the jewel doesn’t fit. I laughed again.. because I see what the enemy is trying to do, but I won’t allow such negative vibes.This was just meant to happen. So we come up with a plan, get new jewelry, and finally he gets it in. He also made the post the same color as my jewel. I am one happy camper. Oh and it pretty much is Kristal proof. It doesn’t need to be tightened. It is snapped into place. I will have to go to him to get new jewelry and I am happy about that.

So here is the cool part. As we were talking he started opening up to me about his kids and what he is going through. I listened as he told me what one of his kids is putting them through. He was telling me the stress that he and his family is going through and what his child is going through. Thinking about it now I could have prayed over him, but I didn’t think of it then. I think that maybe he just needed someone to listen. Sometimes that is all that people need. I was happy to do that and give him some new tools to work with. Like tracking … Haha and how easy it is to do through the phones. The look and relief on his face it almost looked like hope to me. I felt accomplished.

I didn’t make it back in time for my meeting and I felt bad for that because I forgot to tell that wonderful person that once again we have to reschedule. The way I see it though… Father has perfect timing in everything. I was able to make it home to get my things for my appointment and talk to another friend who just needed someone to listen. My husband met up with me for my appointment. We shared a few laughs about our day then it was my turn to go back into the room. As I walked in I was intimated by all the tools laying out. I did wonder if those were all going to used on me. As I was talking with the nurse the doctor came in and smiled, she didn’t even look back ” We’re not done yet.” “Yes I know, I just heard that it was intimating.” He beamed looking at me and it made me that much more nervous but kind of excited as well. My blood pressure was elevated because of it all.

As my husband talks about what his experiences with all these tools, he put me at ease. The doc came in and he looked excited. haha. Kind of threw me for a loop, but I rather have a doctor with a sense of humor. He took a look inside my nose and it was the same thing I have heard most of my life. I’m clogged and my nose looks unhappy, and my ears are clogged as well. I explained to him the last time my ears were cleaned I was like 12 while in Dallas. And when they were done it looked like a core sample. He laughed. He made me smell the numbing agent and I asked if I was going to throw up. He said “No, but you would be my first if you did.” So I huffed the whatever it was, that is a new sensation. I suggest you get it done, just to say you did it. Then it hit me right in the back of the throat! GROSS!! I gagged a little. All he could say ” Oh. You tasted it!” Yeahhhh!! That is what I meant by ” Am I going to throw up!” It passed after a few moment and breathing felt weird or lack there of. So while we were waiting for my nose to get numb he started checking out my ears.

He got his little vacuum thing going, I started talking because I am nervous. I was telling him that before I got it done the last time I had pretty good hearing but when they were done, I had super sonic hearing. The last thing I heard was maybe I was the secret member of the Avengers. This guy is funny is what I thought of as I hear the non movement of what wax isn’t coming out. He also made a comment about me maybe using Q-tips to clean my ears. I simply said, ” I don’t use them to clean my ears but to scratch my ears.” ” Better than a key.” he quipped. Touche Doc… So now I have to deal with my ears again. That will be nice to have them be like normal people ears. My canals are that of a small animal. He took core samples from my face as well, and I was on my way after I got a laundry of To-Do’s and some samples. I was excited to get those samples!! A full size of one of those samples is $200.00 because the insurance doesn’t cover it. Thanks big pharma… Not Cool.

Came home after a nice dinner, played some cards with my family. Picked up one of my kiddos from a sporting event and it was a blessing. The whole day was a great day. I got to meet new faces, spend time with my favorite peeps, got to get organized for the next day, and talk with my Ysisters. I feel that I may have impacted some people today and spoke life into them. I realize that Father had better plans for me than laying in bed watching Netflix. I am so grateful for that. I would have missed out on a great day. I got to talk to some people who I haven’t talked to in a long while and that feels amazing. I like that I am finally starting feel better about making new friends, sustaining my current friends, getting out of my house and talking to strangers. Something I wouldn’t have done a year ago! Things I am still learning is to talk to Father in times that I know are going to be impactful to see where He wants me to go with the conversation.

Once I am done here, I will sit down and have a conversation with all of Them again. We can choose to speak life into people or death. I rather speak into life into people even though they may not feel that way towards me, because we don’t know what they are going through. Besides, I am in a much better place to know what to breathe in or not to,as far as words go that is. I couldn’t have done that without all the people who Father has sent into my life to speak life into me and help do Fathers work through them. For that I am grateful and wish to do the same to others. Lastly, tighten your nose ring. Love each other, Laugh a little, speak life into your fellow-man. Thanks again guys.

Chapter 4 You did what to your hair?

So now that I am living with my father and step mom, my life changed so much! I had All these new experiences, room, clothes, school, lack of friends… Just plain new everything. It can be overwhelming, but in my mind I had this. I can do anything. I was with my dad!

I had to adjust but I didn’t realize that I needed to do that. In my young mind I was with my dad and it was going to be like it was during the summers. I would get to do so many things! I mean I did get to do those things, but it wasn’t always easy street. Especially for them.

They went from a couple’s life with no kids. They liked to enjoy their time together, which was really cool because it show me that they were stable with one another. It was a good balance for me. My dad is a very animated man especially when he is around my step mom. They really did know how to have fun!!

So the first hurdle was me actually going to school. That was a hard thing for me at first. Ok Ok like the first few months. They kids were mean to me, because I was very different from they were. These kids were for the most part well put together and very smart. I didn’t fit in from the get go, but really at this point I don’t fit in anywhere. Kids would make fun of what I wore, my hair, my shoes even my body! It was brutal while I was at school. Lucky for me I was in a good place in my mind.

Their words hurt as well as their actions but it didn’t affect me. I mean it really was child’s play compared to what I was used too. I was good with myself then. It’s not like I knew any different. I couldn’t wait to get home everyday not because they were dicks at school but because I had a purpose. I had chores. I had something to do and parents who encouraged me to do them. I still was a little turd when it came to doing them, but I did like the reward.

I would walk the dog every morning, then get ready for school. walk to school, try not to bark at the other students, walk home, walk the dog, have a snack, do my homework… I did take that last one as a suggestion more than anything. That is the one thing I feel that they struggled with the most with me. Doing homework. I think maybe that is a normal thing. Maybe?! I struggled academically that first year there.

I see now it was because of all the change and stresses that come with that. I had no real excuse of not doing my homework. A lot of the times I didn’t understand the work, and given my past with asking a parent was OUT OF THE QUESTION for me. My dad and step mom did offer their help but I also didn’t want to be shunned for being dumb either. She was a dental assistant and he was an Engineer. They knew stuff. I was more afraid of the rejection and judgement. I know that maybe they had a meeting with my teachers because eventually I was being pulled out of class for special education time. I thought it was fun, but I retained some but not a whole lot. Time was the issue.

So that summer my step mother took me to one of those tutor places. I was sooooooo scared to go but glad I did. It helped me so much the next year I didn’t need those sorts of classes and I had more confidence in asking for help, asking questions and doing my homework.Turns out I really did like school.

So I made my first friend before the school year ended. Her name was Shelby. I will never forget her. One day while at after lunch we were all out on the playground. I went to my normal place under the tree by myself. I had my baseball cards that I just gotten at the Texas Rangers game. ( Oh yes!! I did. It was a blast!! I even got to see Nolan Ryan!!) I was putting the collection into a binder and some kid started making fun of me…again.. and I barked at him. haha yes I barked. I didn’t know what else to do. So this girl named Shelby came to my defense and we were instant friends. That day I made a vow that I would be like her when new kids came to school. I did keep that promise to myself all the way through my senior year of high school. We played everyday. We spoke on the phone everyday. I even got to stay at her house!!! My first sleep over.

We did everything together. We went to Sixflags over Texas, the movies, to Janet Jackson concerts, Boyz to Men concert. She introduced me to her friends which became my friends later. It was so much fun having friends. I had a new purpose at school. I even met my first crush. His name is Chris R. Man I had it bad for this boy and he lived down the street from Shelby.

They both lived in these huge houses where the kids basically had their own wings, backyard pools, queen sized beds, their own phone lines. It was pretty cool. Life was getting pretty awesome. I had friends and I enjoyed life until…. I found my first pubic hair that is.

Six grade was hard!!! Oh my gosh! we learned about puberty early in the year and I was already growing boobs. You can imagine how I was feeling. I was not only tall but had chest nubbies! oh goodie!! NOT! I was now thinking ” Great. Just when things are going great I have to grow boobs.” I was so embarrassed. Anyway, I was soaking in the bathtub one evening because I was not allowed to go swimming because I had swimmers ear. So my step mom suggested that maybe if I take a bath it would ease the craving of wanting to be in the pool. She was so good to me. Well, while soaking I was humming a song and happening to look down and something caught my eye. I wondered what it was. It looked like a hair, so I did what normal people do and grab to throw it out of the tub. But NOOOO it was attached!!! Hmmm noo! No! NO!NO!

I quickly got up and emptied the tub wrapped my towel around myself and ran to my step mother in fear!! Luckily, she kicked my dad out of the room and I told her all the gory details. ( even though there wasn’t any bloodshed that day) I cried in arms and she started giggling. I was in shocked!!! Why is laughing? She peels me off of her and she puts her arms on my shoulders and she tells me that I am going through the change. I started bawling even harder. After some time calmed me down and I asked her NOT to tell my father. Of course she told him. He came in to tuck me in for bed and he said, so I heard that you are going through the change… That darn word! I started crying all over again. I was embarrassed. Now my dad knows!! UGH! why!!

He laughed it off and I did too… Kinda. The Change… I rolled my eyes and went to bed. It was one pubic hair and it felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. Good grief. Weeks passed and hair grew and I felt everyone knew at school what I was going through. I feel like I wore a marquis sign saying” I, Kristal, now have Pubic hair. I am going through ‘The Change'” in a constant loop.

One morning I was finishing getting ready for school, and I noticed that my bangs were a little too long. No problem right? Just cut them. I have done that before this wouldn’t be any different. Man, teach me for thinking that morning.

I start cutting. They aren’t coming out straight. So I cut some more. Still not straight. Next thing I know I have a razor in my hand and shaving cream in the other. HONK HONK!!! That is my ride to school!! Crap! I grab the nearest mad hatter hat I had and threw it on. I had art that morning, and it was a combined class that morning and Chris R. was there.

The art teacher asked me to remove my hat and I told her no thank you. She persisted and I politely declined her request which she accepted finally. Hats were allowed for girls but not boys. I knew my rights and that day I was going to use them to the fullest. Well Chris R. opened his mouth and said to everyone in class ” OOOOo someone got a bad haircut!” I leaped over all the students and started swinging at his direction. To which he started laughing which made me even more mad. She told me to go to the nurse and I told her I didn’t want to go. I did my work quietly in that class, then we went back to our normal classes. My teacher kept calling on me during mind math quiz. We had to give the answers to the math on the board without using paper to figure it out. I sucked at this sort of thing. I needed the paper. Not that day. I got every one those questions right. He knew then something was wrong. He made me go to the nurses office.

I sat there as my two teachers explained to the nurse that something wasn’t right and maybe I would talk to her about it. At this point I am shivering. I am so upset as she walks she grabs a thermometer and shoves it in my mouth. It beeps and it reads 95 degrees. I am dead…. yup dead inside at this day. I just want to go home and die. She takes my temp again, and its stays at 95. yup there is the phone to one of my parents. She calmly asks me what going on. I just broke down and started crying and I pulled off my hat. She said ” Okay who do I need to call?” I said my step mom. She handed me a blanket and I waited. She got all my work for that day and my bag. Next thing I see is my FATHER!!! I looked at her with the most evil look. She said that my step mom couldn’t come. Now I am mad!!!

My emotions were all over the place and of course my dad’s response is to laugh at me!! Super great day for my self-esteem! Not! ” Do I even want to know Kris?” I just shock my head at him No and rolled my eyes and walked to the truck. He took me home and wrapped me in a hot blanket and made me my favorite sandwich. I didn’t say one word to him or anyone until my step mom got home.

When she got home, she just gave me the look of “follow me,” to which I complied. She sat me at her vanity and she asked me to remove the hat. I sat there and I slowly peeled the hat off my head. It took all she had to not laugh. There I sat with a mangled , spiky, bald spot of hair. She just started laughing and then I did too. I mean it was bad…. I had a short hair cut to begin with and now I have fashioned a nice buzz cut look for bangs. She then grabbed some bandanas and they became my new fashion accessory until my hair grew out. It was much better than the crazy hats I was wearing. I told her I looked stupid with the headband. She took off the bandana and asked if my new hair cut was better. Touche. She told me that I could start a new thing at school. That didn’t help me feel better at that moment, but I did end making a bandana movement at school. All the girls were wearing bandanas in their hair.

That was my first experience with PMS, I got my first period five days after that moment!! Aren’t I lucky. I learned a lot from this moment.

PMS is a real thing. The phrase ” The Change,” scares all women and makes them cry. Fathers don’t always know how to handle young ladies when they do crazy things with their hair, Pubic hair is not fun when you don’t expect it, the boy you have a crush on is now dead to you when they make fun of your hair, and finally bandanas are a great Oopsie cover up when in need of one. I am fortunate to have had my father and step mom that day and through that moment of puberty. I don’t know how I would have gotten through it. I have not cut my hair on my own since then. #Lessonlearned

 

I hope you enjoyed this experience as much as I did. I was considered a woman after going through it and I am not sure I liked that at the time. Made going swimming difficult. I love y’all. Talk soon.

 

Kris