Life Worthy of Living<

We all have experienced loss. Loss of people in our lives, loss of those who have touched our lives, loss of pets, loss of friendships, loss of jobs…. all sorts of losses right?!

There is a loss that I want to talk about. Recently, I have loss someone who has touched my life. Pretty unforgettable human. The lives that this person has touches is pretty huge. Their passing won’t be remembered nearly as much as this persons legacy. This person LIVED!! I mean really lived. This person had great friends in their life, a wonderful family, memories, and has seen the world, and experienced things in their life that were wholesome and amazing. This persons memory and legacy will live on through their family, friends and all others who were touched by his presence.

Losing someone is one of the hardest things we experience emotionally. That is my experience and my opinion. In this loss of this bright joyous light of a person, it made me take some time to reflect…. I was taking personal inventory of my time. My only asset in this life.

Time is an asset that we all have moments taking for granted. We don’t know when we will be called home, we simply don’t know. But we live our everyday lives in our normal routines. I can’t and won’t speak for everyone for this matter… because we all live how we do.

For me though, I needed to take the time to reflect, process and pray. As I was looking back on my own life, I realized somethings. I have done some pretty awesome things. Although, I didn’t travel the world in my twenties or setting my sails for winning the corporate ladder… I became a Mother and then a wife. That is where my adventure started. I am so lucky that I am able to have that adventure because there are so many that are unable to. I was blessed with a daughter who will be graduating High School a year from now, and two sons. 17, 15, and 12. They are very much a part of my adventure. Never really a dull moment to say the least. Every child is an individual and man they are definitely mine. They are great kids.

There are some of my friends who are now starting families and my hat goes off to them because I don’t think I could do it in my thirties. I don’t know if I would have the energy. (As I giggle to myself) But the one thing that I do enjoy is watching how my children develop into the humans that they will be. It’s hard to watch them struggle at times, and its an absolute joy to see them thrive in what they are passionate about. And even though my daughter is going to be off into the world next year, I encourage her to see the world with new eyes. To do the things that make her happy, and that can be scary. To make memories. I am not sure what I will say with my sons yet. But rest asured that I will have something to say.

I don’t regret having children early, there are so many people who have asked me if I do. The answer is no. I enjoy that I am a young mother. I am not to sure if my daughter is okay with it at times when people think we are sisters or best friends. I wish I could describe her face when people give those compliments. It’s a look of ” isn’t it obvious she is my Mom?” Or when her friends come over they forget that I am an adult. ” Keeley’s Mom you’re welcome to hang out with us, you’re so cool.” Thank you but no…. The things they talk about are things I don’t want to listen to all the time…. silly kids. My boys are amazing too. The one thing we love to do, is laugh, sing, dance, play harmless pranks on each other. All of us just enjoy each others company. I love that God has chosen me to be their Mom and I am blessed to call them my children.

Family is such a huge thing for me. My father wasn’t around a whole lot, but my step father was. He raised me. My Mom and my step mother are huge parts of my life. My Granddaddy was my dude that I looked up too. My Granny Gail was wise and really someone I wanted to make proud too. Not to mention all my aunts and uncles that played vital roles in my raising. Family is awesome.

Since having my children I did move back to my hometown to raise them. They get to have that close community sense. For all those who grew up here in Los Alamos know exactly what I mean. It is Mayberry on a mountain top if Northern New Mexico. It really is a whole different place, but it isn’t the place where I want my kids to stay forever. I want them to see the world and experience new things in life. To travel and experience new cultures, to have cross-country road trips, to experience life in a new way.

Which brings me to this place in my own life. What are my plans… there are times where I feel that I am growing up at the same time as my children. I will be 41 when my youngest graduates high school and is off doing what he wants to do in life. So that leaves me here in this moment…. what are my plans? What are my plans now that the kids will soon be off doing their own thing? Who will I become?

So I am sitting here, and I am finishing my college application, praying that I will get in. Seeing the big world for what it is… a small dot in a mass of space and time that I have yet to explore myself. I feel like I am 18 again and trying to figure it all out but I love that I am now in this place, because the world is at my feet, I just have to make the choice to walk. Allow God to guide my steps. I feel inspired to live a life worth living.

To experience new things. To start checking things off my Bucket list and live!! I mean really live!! I want to add more feathers to my hat, I want my grandchildren to see that Memaw ( Thats what I want to be called when that day happens.) did awesome things and did it fearlessly, that I never stopped chasing my dreams, that I never gave up no matter how hard it got, that I loved with such deep love, that I cried with hope still in my heart, that I love Jesus and followed Him until the very end. That I wasn’t afraid to go into scary places and pray for and with others, that I walked around with joy in my heart and passion for life and even the worst parts of mankind couldn’t touch or taint my perspective of people. That one-act of kindness goes a long way, forgiving others quickly because you don’t know what they may be going through and maybe they need you to be that one person to let them know that they aren’t alone and that all things are possible, that I was able to conquer going into the ocean or try skydiving at least once in my life. Or that I was able to be successful when NO One believed that I could do the impossible because my dream seemed so big to others… never forgetting that when I felt alone that I was never alone.. there was two us walking that journey together… Admitting when I was wrong and accepting that I was perfectly made, that even when I stood alone a lot of times in my life that I never backed down from adversity and opposition. That even when my thoughts and beliefs were much different from others that I didn’t allow the enemy to take my confidence, that I was teachable and willing to listen and learn. That I wasn’t perfect nor did I want to be. That I didn’t really like hot weather unless there was a pool, that I had to have my favorite smells surrounding me, that I worshipped God with all that I had and didn’t worry what others thought because He was receiving my love in those moments. That I was all for playing outside when its raining outside, I wasn’t afraid to laugh to hard or loudly, that I wasn’t afraid to sing a little louder than others, or hug a complete stranger. I want to be remembered for how I lived my life not how I died, because I know that I will be with Jesus and I will be waiting for all of you on the other side. I don’t want anyone to really mourn me, but I would love for everyone who I may have impacted in this life to do something that you may not have ever done before, remember me in how I lived, laugh, sing, dance, write, hug, love, hope and care, respect and gosh darn it…. LIVE!!!

I know that God didn’t create me to fit into people’s boxes. I know that more than ever now in my life. Almost everything that I have done and accomplished in life wasn’t because I was able to fit in someones box of life. I was made for something much bigger than I think. This loss has changed something within me a little more… I can’t imagine how his life and the loss of his life has changed others since the news came. My first thoughts were of his sisters, wife and child and his best friends.

To you all who were impacted by Ethan’s life I have this to say…. may not be the last thing I say…. but here goes:

Do something amazing today

Remember that you are loved

Remember who is was

Laugh

Call that old friend you’ve been meaning to call

Take that trip you’ve been putting off

Start that family

Start that career

Chase after your dreams

Hug your children and kiss them as many chances you get

Don’t be afraid to stand alone

Love

Have faith

Sing with all your might

Make that coffee date

Learn something new

Be silly

Remember all the good times

Make new memories

Take pictures

Allow God to mend your hearts with His silver thread of love and hope. Know that Ethan is doing Ethan stuff in his eternal life and He is waiting for you on the other side. Cry as much as you need, and laugh. Allow yourselves to be filled with great love, hope and laughter through this time. Gods great healing hand is in this with us all. I pray that in this time that ties are mended, the broken are mended, the tears of sadness and mourning turn into tears of joy and love, I pray that there is salvation and change, and a new beginning starts here. I pray that this moves you to a place of redemptions and peace. I love each and every one of you. I leave you with these scriptures.

” The Lord is closest to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in Spirit.” Psalms 34:18

“Do everything in love.” 1 Corinthians 16:14

” I will lead the blind by the ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths. I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them.” Isaiah 42:16

Ethan was a funny, joyous, bright light in darkest days, he was a philosopher, saw the world with a much different set of eyes, the friendships he had are fortified in love, fun and compassion. He traveled the world, he loved, he impacted so many lives, he simply lived. His gift to us was that.. He lived and made us laugh. Thank you Ethan for this wonderful gift. You are remembered and will be remembered. Thank you personally for this moment and inspiration. May your adventure start in a new fresh way.

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When One Door Closes… Well You Know the Rest

Well the seasons are in full swing of change. For the last nine in a half months I have been shaken, bent, twirled, turned up side down, beat down, and other description words that are in connotation of character building seasons. The enemy even tried to uproot my faith, boy did he mess with the wrong follower of Christ Jesus. I think he forgets that Christ already defeated him and that HE has given me the authority to cast out Satans crazy. #NotTodayDevil

So lets recap.

My children hit a season of crisis. My daughters abuser is sentenced. Daughter goes to get the treatment that she needs in order to learn how to cope and manage with said trauma. Friend ends up getting arrested for a crime on the same day daughter goes to treatment. Other daughter ends up leaving to live with her Biological Mother. Weird friend who claims he was trained from Santa Claus for the Name of Jesus. #WhatInTheWorld. Personal business hits rock bottom. Friendships lost. Money problems hit the fan. Car breaks down times two. Sleepless nights. Those are the highlights for the most part. I love you all but some of the things are to be private. Haha

When this door to that season cracked open… wait.. it burst right open!! From the moment I was leaving for my trip to New Orleans. Literally fifteen minutes!! My sweet Buttons (My SUV) was stolen by one of the kids. All my friends that were in the car just waited to see what I was going to do. The opening of questions came. I can laugh about it now but then I knew they were like ” Uhmmm Kristal what are you going to do?” Two of the gals that have known me a long time we’re just kind of laughing because they know how I am. They knew that my children would be having a coming to Jesus moment with me. But I needed to keep time of travel and we were set back thirty minutes. If you don’t know I am a time person. TIME TIME TIME. Gotta hit that time window just right lol. Anyway, then while I was in New Orleans I saw a new side of some friends I have never seen before. Like ever. So my eyes were opening to something that was going to happen in very soon weeks at this point. I had no stinkin idea what was about to hit me. NONE what so ever. #BoutToCrashIntoABrickWallPeeps

When I say that one event happened after another I mean that. One right after another. Sometimes within the same hour! But let me tell you something. Although, all these events were happening God was 100% in the middle of everything doing some major heavenly heavy lifting. I made some mistakes along the way. The one thing that saved me from the get go was the following.

On one of the days that two major events happened in the same day, within two hours from one another. When I got home. I didn’t really talk to anyone. I walked to my room, closed the door sobbing and absolutely feeling broken. I grabbed my Bible and opened it to Proverbs. I knew that through all the tears what was happening supernaturally and The Holy Spirit was able to set me up for success by the simple action of making the choice to open my #BIBLE. Amen!! All the answers that I needed where in my life manual. Every single feeling I was having and how to calm the storm was right there in my Bible. Everyday, sometimes for hours I was completely engulfed in The Word.

I needed to know if how I was managing the situation with my children in a Godly way, and what He deems as such. I mean everything I needed answered or needed wisdom and guidance on was all there. Then how to move through this fire place. All was answered.

It was the first time in my life I made the conscious choice to talk to God first before saying or doing anything. I was in a state of full firey darts flinging at me at all sides. The one thing I knew I had front get go was my faith. #Faith yes!! My faith is so deeply rooted and what was spoken and shown to me was this tree. This tree was deeply rooted, and full of branches and some green for leaves. This tree was being pruned, and shaken. Anything that fell from that tree wasn’t suppose to be there. Some of those branches that were cut were hard but surrendering the sculptor to do what He needed to do to get the tree just as He needed to be. I was shown that no matter the storm, no matter how many leaves or branches came off that tree, That tree would only sway in the storm winds. It would only be slightly bruised, and dinged up but the tree won’t break!

I didn’t freak out, I stayed calm and knew that I was going to be okay. Mentally, physically, and spiritually I was going to be just fine. I accepted this truth and put on my figurative knee high boots because these storms waters were about to get really high before the storm recedes. I also knew that the blessing was going to come after the storm. I just had to obey, dig deep, lean on Him, seek His face, and hold on. I hold on for dear life.

I dug deeper in my prayer life. I asked God to plant the right people in my path that He wants for me. I confessed. I forgave and will always forgive as often as they all come. I asked for forgiveness from Him. So as I continue in all His blessings He has given to me in this stormy time of my life, I just want to say how grateful I am of His faithful relentless love He has for me. How is protects me. He absolutely loves me to bits. It’s mind blowing.

So during this time… Our SUV’s breakdown and or about too. Robert is out there in the driveway kicking his car, throwing things and yelling at it as if that is going to fix it. Haha I calmly walked away and applied for a loan. I have never applied for a loan much less bought a new car before. I was so scared. I wanted to fix the problem and He knew of this great need at this moment in our lives. I applied for the loan and within seconds we were approved. Now I have to tell Robert the news. I knew it wasn’t going to go over very well. The money was already in my account. I was going to buy that man a new truck that day whether he liked it or not. When I told him, just like I expected he freaked out with a thousand other questions. At this point I filled with joy and laughter to be honest. because He knows the needs, I dont have any doubt what so ever that we find the right truck for his need. And sure enough. I was lead to a website, found the truck and its sale price was lower than what the loan was for, surely that was for a reason. Robert doesn’t believe it. I call the dealership and they are shocked that I called about that particular truck because it was literally dropped off and into their inventory within that hour, and it was currently being inspected. I told them that I was buying that truck today and I would be there within a hour. Robert couldn’t believe what was happening. I’m not going to lie but he was reminding me of Doubting Thomas. Still I knew exactly what was happening. God was at work here. When we got to the dealership, we went to the back to see the truck. Rob was all in that trucks business because surely this is too good to be true. This truck even has the side tool boxes and other storage spots. Y’all it even has air conditioning. Something either of the cars had. That in itself is a blessing. So Robert is happy and praising me on such a good job. Silly man that was all GOD!! On a side note, just before we got there my beloved Buttons knew what was happening. I was trading her in for this gift. Do you remember the meme of where Jesus is asking the little girl for the teddy bear while concealing the bigger teddy bear behind his back? And she tells Jesus ” But I love it.” It was kind of like that. I loved Buttons and all her quirky ways. Right at the light across the street from the dealership she dies in the intersection. I speak loving words over her and she starts right up and we reach the destination safely. I tell her all the good she has done for me and family. She was about to get a face lift and go to another family and that is where she will bring them joy too.

Robert picks out new shoes for his truck and a couple of hours later we have signed papers and keys in hand. Now, we emptied all of the contents of Buttons. Or so I thought. So my daughters competitions gymnastic Leo’s were in there still. I even asked the guys if they got everything. Of course they said yes. Long story short, after a few phone calls and a very disappointed daughter, I got a phone saying that they were able to find the bag of Leo’s and we can pick them up. So don’t tell that isn’t God’s work. And excellent customer service!!

So here is another blessing. After some time away from my church family. I was able to have a meeting with my Lady Pastor. We sat down and had a heart to heart about somethings and we were able to hear each other’s out and where things were at that time. In same time my daughter was still rocky but she needed a church family to be in her life as well. So we started going to church again. My home church. It felt so nice. The enemy was telling me bad things before church that first morning going back. It was so nice to get in the car and drive there that morning. I worshiped with my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. My empty cup was being filled. My very own revival is being restored. #ThankYouJesus My daughter ending up coming up with me the next time. She would wear her earbuds while in church in defiance. That was until God spoke to her directly. Our Pastor was delivering his message that morning something amazing happened. He mentioned a song Unanswered Prayers by Garth Brooks. My daughter is slapping my arm, and I turned to her and right when he was talking about that song that very started playing on her phone!! She dedicated herself to church from that moment on. She stays involved her in youth group. The stirring of God within her is a blessing not only to her but to me as her mother. She recently was baptized in front of our entire church family. #Blessed #NewSisterInChristJesus

Now for me, I have always wanted to be a part of my church family and serve in the way God wants me too. I have had a habit of running towards goals instead of walking with Jesus and his pace. So He would remind to walk, to trust in his work and what he was planning. I absolutely love the ladies in my church and as I dove into the very first Bible study with them, I have gotten the privilege of getting to know these wonderful women. The study was amazing. Then we started the last Bible study for the season, and I was so honored when I was asked to close out the session in prayer. That was a huge thing for me. I felt so humbled and honor from that moment. I was able to help in the upcoming events that the church was doing. I feel like I am serving right where God wants me to.

I love my church. I love serving in new fresh ways. It has been a huge blessing. In spite of all the crazy things that have happened and will happen. I have learned valuable lessons that God presented to me when the storm was all around me. He used the attack that was on me and my family and worked it for His Glory and he worked it out for good. I was able to stand firm against opposing opinions, I was able to stand firm in my faith, I was able to stand in my weakness because He made me strong. He makes me strong. I have a new fresh start at something, new growth on those branches.

There are other things that He has taught me that I have a subject about at a later date. There was a time where I was trying to fix a situation and I was reminded to get out the way and let God do his thing because I wasn’t called to fix anything or anyone. So in that time as you found out last week that I applied for a job. I wasn’t sure at first because of the feeling I was having about it. Today I finished part of training for that job, but the momentum of this new thing that is happening is pushing me in a new way. IF you haven’t figured out yet, once I have tunnel vision on something there is no stopping this train of awesome called ME.

I love how God has used these situations for my good. Seriously, things that I doubted about myself. When I was rejected, opposed, judged, alone, scared and so many other things. He showed me that I was truly in fact accepted, that I wasn’t wrong and I was wiser, I wasn’t alone and that I was fully dependent on God. And with God with me under his protection, I was no longer scared and I was safe. I am embracing this new growth and seeing where it will take me. I have embraced this walk as a learning thing, and grew that much more in my faith.

If you are going through something right now, I encourage you to hold on. The blessing is coming. Just keep holding on. Don’t let go dear one. Don’t let go. Open your Bible and seek the answers. Prayer hard and boldly. Lean on His understanding and not your own. Take care of yourself. Take the time to see the blessings in the storm. Don’t focus on the bad that is happening focus on the new growth that is taking place. Look at it as an opportunity of learning something new about you and your situation. Hope. Faith. Love. Surrender it all to God. He’s got you. You’re loved, you are able, you are amazing, you’re stronger than you believe, You’re stronger with Him than alone, and you matter. You are valued, you are forgiven.

Side note… about a month or so ago I received a phone call from my Mom and Step Dad bought me a car. God knows your needs and He will provide!! When we bought the truck it was for Robert so we were down a car. Talk about blessings from Him. I’m grateful for my parents and all that they have done for me. They are so incredibly loved by me. God knows. #ThanksFather #ThankYouParents

Take care..

Kris

It’s Just One of Those Days

When I started this post today, I was probably half way done and a few thousand words in. I took a brain break, like literally. The words just didn’t seem right. If that makes sense. So I took a break in frustration and not really knowing what is going on. I went outside with the dogs on this fine summers day, or so it feels anyway. I turned on the hose and watched as one dog ran from it and found her safe place on the deck, while the other tries to eat the said watery attacker.

My dog tucker is an American Bulldog and Kona is our rescue from a local shelter. Tucker is four years old. He is such a goofy dog. For anyone who has ever owned a bully breed knows the silliness that can come with having them around. They are full of personality. I picked Tucker out from a picture. I fell in love with him instantly. When we picked him up he was a 20 pound pink skinned white rollie pollie 8 week baby. He now is over a hundred pounds of hunky love. He was our little piggy.  He has that squishy face that only a momma would love to bits. And I sure do love him.

On days like this where things aren’t always flowing I know that my furry companions are there for me. As I watched Tucker play I was present and completely in the moment. I took in the breeze as he snorted his way through the water. Giggling as if the world just disappeared. For once today my soul was still. All the things that I was thinking about were nothing but a distant memory.

I was able to be grateful for the water that is there for me to have that moment to play with my dogs. Grateful that I have a yard to have dogs to roam around in. To have an apple tree, that gives fruit and shade. To have a deck to see and enjoy the view of distant mountains. My Favorite Worship Jams playing in the background. This is what I was in need of all day and I didn’t even know it.

When I was waking up this morning, I woke up with a lot already on my mind. Usually, I wake up singing a worship song in my head, but not today. Today, it seemed to be an endless list of questions, what ifs, and worries. In the middle of that endless list I could hear Jesus saying Be Still Kristal. I got out of bed and repeated what I just heard. Be Still .. Be Still Kristal. I took a shower, and still my head wanted to fight me. I pushed the thoughts back and practiced being still. I dressed and tended to my normal duties. Looked at the mounds of things I needed to get done, the lists of people to talk to, and this blog post that was to be up yesterday. I was feeling overwhelmed, with an underlining issues that I am not aware of.

I sat down, and started writing and nothing was flowing because I was so distracted by the swirling madness in my head. That is when I took that brain break. To watch the freedom that each of my dogs have brought me joy and I was fully in Be Still Kristal mode. This is such a gracious thing that God has given me today. It was an unexpected gift.

He always knows what it is that I need and I am so grateful for His faithfulness to me. Otherwise, the right words wouldn’t come if I hadn’t listened to what He needed me to do. He was asking me to Be Still because I was all over the place. Something supernatural is changing within at all times. When life comes to a fast paced situation its difficult to just be still. It takes practice and to do it on purpose.

Some of the things that are on my mind were about an upcoming job. Something wasn’t sitting right with me, obviously right. It kept me up and really making me think of life choices. I know that I am in a place where I have the opportunity to chase after what is meant to mine.I realized after watching my lovely dogs live out their simple joys, made me question if what I about to do was the right choice.

I have to make the choice based on what is the will of God and if this is something I want to do. Making this choice shouldn’t ever feel like it’s a bad thing. Like ever. I feel as if I do this that it was for other people’s approval not my own. I would be doing it because they wanted me to. I can’t explain what this feeling has been for me, but the words that come to mind are chained. I feel chained. I simply don’t like that. Not one bit. Not even the kind of chained where it would be to settle for.

I would do what is expected and give that job my 110% because that is who I am. I will manage to accomplish what I need to do there, and seek His face in the moments while I am there. I am not called there, but I will be there in present. I will do my very best every day and come home and rock out my true calling and passion.

After talking about it, and a lot of tears. I just laid it all out there. I applied for a jobs that to put a band-aid on an issue. To ease the stress of others while I do what I need to do to finish this book that I am writing. I had to hold myself accountable for those choices because I made the choice not seeking Him first, I was trying to fix a problem that wasn’t really mine to fix. No one asked me to fix it, I was asked to listen and be a support.

I have a lot of people who have opinions on how I need to be. To be quite honest, that has never worked out well for me. I wasn’t ever brave enough to say what it is that I wanted to do, or felt called to do. I have put in on that back burner and tried to conform to what others wanted me to be. That isn’t wise. I won’t ever blame someone for a choice that I made. I made this choice because I thought that is what was expected of me and fell into an old habit out of panic. I feel awful about it. I feel that I can do this job and manage all my other activities as well as finishing my book. #WalkingInFaithBoo

Someone told me today ” You’re talking a lot about it but you need to just do it.” Talk about a show stopper. It’s a oldie but good one. I paused for a moment to allow it to sink in and process fully. Of course I applied it back to this person, then a joke ensued but then it all came full circle. I need to establish that boundary with myself, continue to trust in Him, be obedient to what He is asking of me, shut up about it and do it.

I fell out of routine that I was doing before, rough waters in seasons can do that to anyone. However, this situation has brought it all back to me to be accountable. That No MATTER what comes your way,  you will have to embrace the unexpected, stay faithful to Him, and do what you got to do. Of course all sorts of things are going to come your way when you are doing things that are not the norm to some. God didn’t ask for my resume for me to do the job, He offered this and promised this despite my lacking. He will equip me with what I need. I also needed to stop searching for something that people just can’t provide. I was putting my anchor where it doesn’t belong when it comes to this part of my pilgrimage.

I thank God for the greatest message this morning. Be Still Kristal. Be Still. I give thanks to my doggies because they helped in making that happen in the most unexpected way. I was reminded who I am and what I am meant to do. I thank the listening ear today. I am thankful for the cleansing waters of my tears as I worked through that swirling mess. It may not seem like such a huge issue, but it was to me. I don’t like being doubted, more than anything I needed to held accountable with myself, and not fall into an old trap. TRUST IN HIM IN ALL THINGS!!!

Through these very simple things that we all can do, can and could be the reset that you needed for the day. Of course the enemy is going to find ways to knock you off where you’re suppose to be in life. The more you get closer to what God wants for you in this life the more the enemy will try to tear you away from God. Of course these things were going to happened because I was on the verge of a breakthrough today. The enemy wanted to confuse me and scatter things about, but He asked me to Be Still. Once that happened God was able to minister to me in a way that only he knows how. I giggled, worked out through something, enjoyed singing, watering my Tucker while Kona watched from a safe distance.

So many things were made clear. How awesome is He.

Feel free to comment, like and share. I would love to hear from you.

 

Here is my playlist for the day today. It is my go to.

Kristal’s Favorite Worship Jams

 

 

My Christmas Card 2017

Merry Christmas everyone. We are just 9 days and some change away from 2018. I know! I can’t believe it either. I feel like the year started with a new beginning of a year of change. Yes the year of change. The year of growth. I know for me it has felt that way. My 2017 year started with quite a wake up call for me as a mother. I was given a load to carry and to see it through. That was my assignment. It was the start of many hard loads to carry. I knew I had to speak up for the one for the many. Due to its nature I can’t yet speak about it. But it is definitely something that I will tackle when I am told that I can. It was a situation where I was on the outside looking in, like ” This happens to other people, and now I know what other people feel like.” It was scary at first, but I overcame the fear of opening my mouth and saying something about it. I look forward to sharing that experience with you all in the future.

Then my daughter and step daughter came to live with us full time. We went from being an empty nest to having company. It was an exciting time for everyone. We were all getting to know each other and how things work in my house. Rules, boundaries, limitations and expectations. For awhile it worked like well oiled machine. Everyone knew what they needed to do and when. Then a quick shift happened. And that is when the new assignment came… survive! Hahaha. I have three teens and two pre-teens. I am a full believer in it takes a village to raise kids. If I had to go through this alone I might end up back in rehab. I’m joking. There are some moments where I wasn’t sure if I was going to make it. I have learned a lot from my two teen daughters. Adolescents are toddlers with hormones. I mean that with all sincerity in my heart, but dang!! I learned that I really have to rely on Him all the time, otherwise, things might have gotten worse. But He doesn’t give us more than what we can carry right?! (John 16:12 NIV) He is pretty mindful of what you can carry, and He is able to help you grow through the rough stuff because He walks with us in all situations. I had referenced to the book of Proverbs a lot. To ensure that I am doing all that I can and I am being a good mom regardless how many times I was told otherwise. Which was a lot!! But I stayed within my faith first, and worked through it in confidence that I was doing the wise thing. I was super unpopular within these four walls, but in my heart I was okay with that. Teens in this day and age have a lot of new things thrown at them; much different than even seventeen short years ago. I so badly want to talk about everything that has happened, but what I can tell you is, It was a lot of darts at my back, my home, my kids right down to the dogs. It is a lot calmer, but nowhere close to being calm or peaceful. Having teen daughters so close in age is HARD!!! Like you need to be expert level in parenting. Especially since both girls have grown worlds a part. There is a lot of people affected, and we all have to work together in our own to make something work. I trust in my faith that we will work through it and we will survive. It takes a lot of work to keep the peace. A lot of letting go of certain things, and a large village. Unfortunately, there is still a lot of separation, but I feel that is temporary. God is working in everyone in their own ways. I learned to talk to others about what’s going on. Community is so important. I learned not to “Throw in the towel.” thanks Mom I learned how to step back when and where I needed too. Not an easy lesson to learn. I also had to learn was am I doing this for myself or for them. Was I wanting credit for knowing everything or was I maybe insulting the other adults in the same situation as me? It made realize that I need to really put myself in check at times, and allow somethings to happen. This has been the biggest part of my year, focused on the kids. I am blessed to have all my children, and my step children … even if they don’t know it, they were an answered prayer. So thank you Lord. Regardless of what they are going through I love them, and want nothing but the best for them.

Then I went to New Orleans for a few days, and was gone for about a week. It was a lot of fun, and which I then start noticing a new trend of things. Like my eyes were starting to open to a new light. I realized how much fun a road trip is across a thousand miles. Almost getting the Zika in Arkansas, the skeeters there are HUGE!! I was tired and I just shouted that in the middle of an empty convenient store. The poor clerk couldn’t stop laughing. It was also the middle of the night. In parts of Louisiana they farm their corn in sideways. It’s always wet, which is nice. I don’t mind that. That’s just some memories. I really wanted to go to Duck Commander and didn’t get to this time, but maybe next time. I also realized that my friend Kateri and I really didn’t sleep a whole lot. Haha. But I learned that I want to get to know so many people, I want to forge strong friends with others that I look up to, gals who are liked minded, I want to make memories with some new friends that I have been too afraid to tell them, ” hey I want to be your friend, want to hang out sometime?” That has been happening lately, and it feels good. This was a turning point for me in this year, when I came back from New Orleans there was a fast lane of life headed my way and I had no idea.

What happened in all that time from August to present has me even know in awe of this year and all that I have endured. Both good and bad. We were blessed with getting a new truck after a long time of not knowing if we could. We were blessed with that gift and that payment. Haha but now we have a reliable mode of transportation. I was sad to see buttons go ( my old ford) but it was time. Now we have Peter, the new white truck. I am taking better care of myself. I am looking fear in the face and telling it to kindly move because it is hindering my journey. I am going back to church, which is a blessing in itself. I am putting myself out there, and accepting when a door closes on something not to go back to it. It’s closed and it has served its purpose. I am getting better at saying what I mean when I say it. I hope to learn more about my gifts that were given to me. I was reminded of my purpose, which is to write, and write some more. Learn more, experience more, take care of myself in order to take care of others, love, be compassionate, be assertive, discernment and really getting my life back. It was highjacked for a little bit. But man to end this year like this is a blessing. I know that I went through this to learn these things and so much more. I am a better person for it. I mean I am really taking care of myself in a new fresh way. I am losing weight, both physically and in all areas in my life that I needed to lose some weight. I mean I inspire myself sometimes, ” Good job Kristal for treating yourself good today.” I am becoming disciplined in a new way. I know that all that I have gone through good and bad was setting me up for something in the future. I really believe that. Life is so much more than the enemy darts coming your way. (Matthew 6:25 NIV) I know I am taken care of. Love yourself that way you can love others the same way … Would you treat someone the way you treat yourself? (Matthew 22:39 NIV) I know I wouldn’t treat anyone they way I have treated myself lately…. So I take care of me first, and I don’t feel selfish for it. Because I know I am in a much better place to help others when the time is right.

This year has been a good one. I am able to see the joy in all of it. I look forward to what 2018 brings. No matter what, it starts with me and where I am going in this journey. I look forward to writing myself a letter on my anniversary thats coming up, and I cant wait to read it in a years time. But first Jesus’ birthday shindig first.

Regardless of all the “bad things,” that happened this year, it was a great season. I grew up a little bit more, became more mature in my walk. Learned so much. Weeding your theoretical garden of life is a must. If its a weed,pull it. It might hurt but your garden will appreciate you doing it. You’ll be able to grow something new in that good soil, because you made some room. Love yourself everyday. Forgive often, maybe a lot. But live!! Not just survive to the next moment. I rather have a floaty in flood waters than nothing at all.

Kristal xx

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Being the Woman I want to be … Progress Report

Although, by now most of you have known that I am going through this journey and sharing my experiences with you. I will hold myself accountable here, because I haven’t been consistent. I am working on being better on all the areas that need changing. That is one of them.

So a lot of life has happened for me, which has created an affect to change myself. I was an empty cup and I was pouring into things and people that I had no business doing. So I made the choice to focus on me and my future. I gave myself the permission to do so. I can’t tell you all the times that I would say to myself that I would be selfish if I focused on myself. I believed that for so long, I will tell you that is one of the biggest lies I did believed and it legitimately held me back. So what I have done since October…

First thing I did, was start making boundaries with the people closest to me. That meant family and friends alike. If time is your only real asset on this round ball before going to your forever place, then maybe we need to manage it wisely. I know that I want to accomplish some awesome things in my life and I know I can’t do that if I do everything for everyone else. Whatever “everything” looks like to you. To me that looks like this …” Kristal you’re at home and nothing better to do, lets just do something else with your time.” I wish that I could honestly tell you how busy stay at home moms are. The expectation is that You are home, so therefore you have the time to clean the house, take care of the food, laundry, make all sorts of calls (IDK), take care of the errands, take care of the dogs, and somewhere in there; in my case find time to write my book, blog, and my makeup business. Not to mention to do this with a stable mind and heart. In an other words that people assume since I am home that I have all this free time when I don’t. because that is just during the day when no one is home, then we everyone comes home, then its dinner, clean the kitchen again, and whatever else needs to be done. At the end of the day, I just want to be alone doing something that I want to do that is enjoyable, but there is no time. How many times working or at home do you feel this way? Seriously, ask yourself that. I know that for me my schedule is so packed that I rarely have time for myself. So that is the next thing I tackled… Time management.

Time management is one of those things that is a never ending balance of work and fun. Things you have to do and things you want to do. Then allowing enough room for the things that come up unexpectedly.

This is a current, all ever so changing schedule for me. As you can see here, I am making the time to do better and setting myself up for success. I have a bad habit of not eating consistently hence the alarms to remind me to stop what I am doing to eat. Because I am taking the time to take care of myself and be the woman I want to be. My alarms go all the way to 8pm. After 8pm its my time to do what I want to do. For those of you who don’t know, I have ritualistic OCD this is hard thing to break. For me to start this, I had to go through a series of levels of thinking and action to get me to this point. To break OCD you have to go against everything you’ve done in the past and do the opposite. That a blog for a different day, haha. Nevertheless, I still wrote down all my goals for the next three, six, nine, and year goals. then with the three month goals I had to write out my weekly goals. I am sticking to one week at a time, Revisting that goal planning every Sunday when I prep my food for the week. Which in itself is a lot of time to consume. It is totally worth it. I am still working out the kinks to my time management because this is a change for others around me, they have a hard time with my changes too. It affects them too. A more assertive Kristal within her interpersonal circle is a shock to some, along with making time for herself and the things that are import to her are hard too. So then this brings me to my journey to weight loss.

So many years I have been wanting to lose the weight. I know I am among millions of woman who struggle with body image. There is a moment in every weight loss journey that starts with this moment of being scared which turns into change. I had mine recently. It is kind of a funny story to me, but the point of it all is I was scared. Over the last few years I have made choices to stop eating certain foods because of how it affects me physically. But with the combo job of not eating consistently, or eating the right portions or adding new healthy foods, along with stress that has been recent over the last 6 months, you do pack on the pounds not even meaning too. I was already obese but with my job at the time I was active, but the other things weren’t aligned. And plainly speaking… I wasn’t committed really deep down. Well, I have since stopped working at my most favorite job ever. (A career I am great at I might add) I have gained another 30 pounds. I have really been able to feel the weight for the first time. I am embarrassed to go out in public, finding clothes is a nightmare, I am really self loathing for the first time, but I refuse to allow myself to continue that trend anymore. I don’t want to accept whether I need to make choices based off of whether it is ” Fat people friendly,’ anymore. I haven’t got my hair cut in like nine months because I feel I am going to break her chair, so I save myself from that embarrassment. For instance, before my girlfriends and I went to New Orleans we all went out for a nail day, and low and behold I am sitting in the pedi chair, towards the end I adjusted myself and the chair made a loud crack noise in a quiet room ( of course the one moment where all the women stop talking) and everyone looked at me. I was mortified inside. I apologized to my tech, as she looked at me then looked around, and then back at me and said ” Don’t be sorry for anything. You’re fine, who cares.” And she looked around assuring me that I don’t need to care what others think. Then I broke one of my nails right before my manicure, because my tech was having a hard time pulling the cuff of my pants back down for me. So I helped her and broke my nail. It was a fiasco, but she took care of me.

But back to the doctor, I knew I had a UTI before we went to New Orleans but I thought I could manage it and get rid of it from home. Okay okay I didn’t want to go to the doctor because I didn’t have it in the budget. So I go to the doctor because I had flank pain, which only tells me that the infection is now in my kidneys. I am no doctor, but i know my body. I also know that I am a walking anomaly when it comes to health stuff. So in this case, the last time I had a UTI was when I pregnant with my oldest son, who is now fifteen years old. I don’t have pain when I go tinkle, or the other symptoms. I just knew that I had one. Anyway, I was at the doctor for nearly two hours, because my sample came back as “Normal,” and then the doctor wanted to insure that there wasn’t something sinister happening in my lady parts, which there wasn’t!! The doctors wasn’t listening to me because the science was telling her something else. It didn’t matter how many times I told her that its a UTI, we did slightly argue about it, but there I am in my paper dress, which isn’t big girl friendly, the whole thing isn’t fun to begin with. I would go into further details on how mortified I was at this point. There is always that moment of awkward conversation they try to do while preforming such procedures, sorry there isn’t more awkward then that moment. I would rather pose nude for an hour than do that once a year. Just saying. Moving on. I was glad I showered before I went. #AwkardDotCom

So then the doctor informs that she is going to get my sample cultured or something, but that I was perfectly fine. Two days later my results come back with having a UTI. But that isn’t what scared me, what scared me was my vitals. My blood pressure was not normal for me, and the nurse walked out fast so I couldn’t ask. I did get the information that I was looking for. I drew the line in the sand when it comes to my heart. I am too young to be this size in the first place but I need to take care of my heart and the body it supports. Right then and there I knew what I needed to commit to. Since then I have been eating clean, prepping my food, and exercising. I have experienced a lot of new things… like really feeling cruddy with detoxing from my old ways. Eating at the same time everyday really makes a difference. I am working through it, and not giving up on myself. Not to mention that the self talk has changed as well.

I am becoming more disciplined in doing it for me, not anyone else. I see the end game and there is tunnel vision, and once that happens there is no stopping it. So that is my moment of health change. And I am grateful for going to the Docs that day.

Next was going back to church. There is nothing like having a church family and friends. Bar none. I was scared to death to go back to church. The enemy is a clever thing, not that the enemy gets credit for that. #NotTodaySatan but for a year I haven’t gone because I didn’t understand a certain situation that happened with my Pastor and I. So i took it personally, and held onto the misunderstanding. Although, I knew that I needed to talk to my Pastor before I decided to go back or to another church. But the thing is that I love my church. Like really love my church, and didn’t really want to go anywhere else, but I wasn’t in a place to confront what was bothering me. God always has a plan, doesn’t he?! His plans and timing are ALWAYS PERFECT! That meeting finally happened, and it felt so good to have that conversation and get past it. Slowly, we move forward. With all things on the table and aired out. Then it was time to come to church. I opted not to go to the that first Sunday, to kind of let things settle for me personally, but that next Sunday, I was going regardless of what the enemy was throwing at me that morning. Telling me lies and it felt good to walk in through the doors, even though I was scared out of my mind. Everyone was welcoming and a lot of new faces. I sat in the back, like when I first started going so many years ago, and one lady to whom I adore, like so many others, she invited me to sit next to her. It was awesome to have such a welcoming back. I wanted to cry but man to have my cup filled for the week was amazing. I even had my daughter go to church with me the next time round. She was hesitant but even she received some nuggets of bread that day. #PraiseYouLord

Despite the many oppositions that are all around me and you, God is so much bigger than what those moments are. Those oppressors, those things that are major challenges that we all have in our life, when we trust in Him, the victory is already won, you just have to get out of His way and do the hard work. because that is what it is… hard work. and nothing worth having comes easy. This task that I am given isnt an easy one and I am more than happy to do the work to do what is asked of me when it comes to Him. He can turn any bad situation into a blessing if you are willing to see and listen. #GetIntoTheRhythm #GettingInSync #ActivePracticing #NBFLAPastorShawnisms

So to end this message and blog I hope you find the time for you. When you pour into yourself first then you can pour into others. When you take the time to listen to Him and fall back into His grace things become a little more manageable and easier to see the joy in all situations that you are going through. Take care of yourselves to be the better versions of you. Whatever that looks like to you!!

Love yourself!! And own who you are!! If you are starting or thinking of starting something that youve been wanting to do, I encourage you to take the steps to set yourself up for success. Lean on Him to help you through. Make boundaries, take the five seconds to build the courage for the first step, manage your time, and don’t settle. Love yourself and take care until next time.

Pink Panties

Last night, I was texting one of my longest friends of many many moons. Our friendship had a start like no other. I guess that is how a lot of new friendships start. Roxanne is her name. You’re singing the song aren’t you. Don’t lie we all know you are. I just did. We met working at McDonald’s. I didn’t think she liked me, I was right to assume that too. She was super helpful to me while we did work there. A lot of the cooks there would say a lot of inappropriate things to me in spanish and I had no idea, but she didn’t like me. I would find out soon enough.

We both worked with a young man who was her age and a year older than me, named Ivan. She really liked him and he liked me, and I liked another young man. Typical teenage stuff. Well, Ivan asked me out and I didn’t know how to say no, so I started dating him, and I also said yes to the boy I liked. Well, she confronted me, the same day that both of them confronted me. I told her everything and then she told me that she thought I only wanted to get to know her was because I wanted to date her brother. Hmmm no!! Not even in the same field. Then she told me about Ivan and I told her the whole drama that I put myself in. Nevertheless, I lost two boyfriends and gained a friend. All things were smoothed over and we were all able to move along and laugh about it.

So that is how we started being friends. So we were talking last night about all the things that have happened to us over the years. We have been through things that only her and I would find entertaining. Like the one time her and I went to the movies, just to come out and find that her car had been broken into. Her wallet was missing and she knew exactly who took it. I was pretty naive in thinking they wouldn’t do anything like that. But SHE KNEW and by golly she wasn’t going to allow that sort of thing happen to her. We got in the car, and I tried calming her but it wasn’t happening. She yelled in a moment of ” Oh HELL NO,” she said…. ” I am going to kick their ass with a bat and sword!!”  She meant that. I tried to hold back my giggles because she was furious. We pull up to her house and she goes into their garage thing, comes out with aluminum bat and a F-ing sword!!! Now granted she told me what she was going to do exactly but I didn’t think she actually had a sword…. She threw both items in the truck and off we went on a mission to kick these boys butts!! I couldn’t help but laugh… I mean this was really happening. She confronted them and to see the fear they had in their eyes was great. She got her wallet back, they kept the money but she got her important things back. I know for a fact that they wouldn’t ever do that to her again. I know I wouldn’t. I mean a sword y’all!! She went viking on them!

As we laughed about that, we were talking about her brothers wedding in Chicago in 2001. That was a fiasco but one we will never forget. We pulled an all nighter the night before at an under 21 club before we got on the plane. No doze were a part of the diet that night. We danced and had a blast once we were on the plane it was really hard not to fall asleep. When we got to our cross over in St. Louis we found a place to smoke cigarettes. Let me just say this.. They had a special place inside for smokers. I had never seen anything like that in my life, and I have flown all my life to various places, but never have I seen this. We walked in, more like crammed in with all the other smokers, nic fitters in this tiny glass box, as we light up we are on display for all to see, like we were animals at zoo… The looks people give to smokers is pretty crappy, but what did I care I was 18 and carefree of what people thought of me. We make our connecting flight, now, mind you Roxy has never really flown so the sense of urgency was real with her, the worry that flowed through her on that last leg was intense. We finally make it to O’Hare…. I will say this… I will avoid O’Hare at all costs! I really don’t like that airport… it is not user-friendly.

We are both tired, hungry and slightly slap happy. We get our luggage and I call for a cab to come get us. I have been on many transports from airports to hotels and this was the scariest ride I have ever been. I learned very quickly that drivers are ALWAYS in a rush to nowhere. Everyone uses their horns for pleasure as well as for function. I was grateful to make it in one piece. We check in without any issue and we ordered food, that was a complicated phone with two tired teens who just want food and sleep. Then her brother comes in and starts telling us how he doesn’t really want to get married but his wife is crazy and pregnant. That’s the short version. I even remember asking him …” Why are you doing it then?” he just simply stated that she would be shunned for being pregnant and not married. I guess they were already married, but they needed to make it official with her family and his and that no one else knew what was really happening. Her family had no idea she was pregnant. In their culture its was frowned upon in a big way, and he was also white. They were to have a Sikh wedding and all things needed to go smoothly and we were told to keep our mouths shut. Neither one of us liked his wife, she was rude and unkind, unlike her family they were very nice.

Now, with a their wedding we were customer fitted for our outfits. We had the whole nine y’all. I mean the head covering, down to the cool pants and tunics. Lots of gold and bright colors. I didn’t get to see my outfit until the day of. We kind of winged that whole situation, but I will get to that. The food we were served was all vegan, it was hard for us to not eat meat and to be polite. I was grateful to try something new but it wasn’t my thing. It smells so good but doesn’t taste like how it smells. Very deceiving and unfair. But whatever… we made it through. Her family kept us very busy so it was difficult to really get to sight see, but we managed to go to a Bahai temple, it was beautiful. Then it started raining and the walls started filling up with water, that was a new thing for me.

So let’s get to the day of… Her parents and us are hungry for the meats, and we are tired, hot and sticky, but we are ready for this wedding. We get to the brides house and ready to get dressed and that was something …. Her moms dressings were huge!! Her mom is like 4’9 and she was swimming on her. Roxy’s I think were okay, then mine were see through aqua….. See through …. my favorite color in transparent sheer aqua …. I am wearing neon pink underwear… we all just laugh… what else can we do… Nothing. I have to show off my chubby body in my favorite color sheer goodness with neon pink under-roos for all to see. Hundreds of people were at this gathering and I was all to eager to use my head dressings to just disappear. I didn’t have time to be embarrassed, I had no other choice but to own that whole situation. Their wedding was beautiful and went without a hitch. We ate and were all merry but we didn’t stay for the other activities. We wanted meat and to fill our faces with savory foods… okay okay we just wanted a really good burger. That is exactly what we did. I can’t tell you if we changed or not, I just remember eating and being on a meat High!! It was no joke… that burger was the best thing that was in my mouth that day!!

There are so many things that can bring a smile to my face and that is one of those memories for me. I have experienced many things in my life and there are times when I don’t think I live enough and to be honest there are so many other things that I want to experience. I know that I will one day, but I jump at the chance to travel. I love seeing, and experiencing new things, and cultures and places on this earth. I am so happy that I got to be a part of their wedding even though I didn’t approve but I wasn’t the one getting married. The wedding is something that I won’t ever forget, it was truly beautiful and something that I may never experience ever again. The vibrant colors, the closeness of all the families and friends bringing many blessings to the couple. I mean it was absolutely amazing. If you ever get the opportunity to go to a Sikh wedding.. DO IT!!

Now, I will never know if I was ever talked about with my neon panties on that day, but that goes to show you that they respected each other and me in that situation, at least they could talk in the privacy of their homes instead of saying anything to me about it. But damn I am glad I wore good underwear that day… Neon pink panties …. At least I matched and have this shared memory with Roxy.

 

What Is That Smell …

This is going to be one of those stories that will either make you or break you … So here we go … I was thinking of the post that I was going to do today… and there is just so much shit that is going on that it triggered a memory… A very embarrassing story but nonetheless a story that is true and needs to be aired out…

The story starts out like this… It’s a cold October night. I am having dinner with my parents with my infant son. I am there to visit but also to receive a car that they have generously given to me. Aren’t I a lucky duck! It was a great blessing because I really needed a car at that time in my life. Anyway, there are certain foods that I ate that night that I knew that I would later regret. Although worth it normally, on this night not so much….

After a great meal and said our goodbye along with safe travel wishes, my son and I were on our way back home… 60 minutes away. Normally this isn’t something that would shock me.. I actually like to drive, I was looking forward to it… Well, It was until I reached the point of no return. That is when things started… it was the beginning of the end for me.

So I am driving through the Jemez mountains and my son starts crying 15 minutes into our trip. Nothing that a little breast-feeding won’t cure, right?! NOOOOPPPE. I pull over and get in the back and nurse him, burp him and love on him. I put him back in the car seat and hop in the driver’s seat, I buckle in and BOOM!! The gut wrenching pain of ” I GOTTA GO POOOO NOW” hits me. I am not quite panicked just yet. I think that I can make it home before it’s all hits the fan .. If you know what I mean….

So I’m driving along doing all that I can to distract myself from the impending doom in my gut. I am singing and just enjoying the distraction, until the pain comes back… you all know that pain I am talking about… Then my son starts crying again… I pull over again.. to see if he needed a diaper change. Now mind you I am just 10 minutes into driving from the last stop. I check his diaper and he is all good, but he won’t stop crying! I check to see if there is something poking him in the car seat, make sure that he seated correctly. I mean I checked everything. Then I started to think maybe he is going through a growth spurt. He was close to the next growth spurt so I nursed him again, and it seemed to accelerate the feelings of having to go even worse!!

Now I have the poo pains and sweats. I feel that I am dying… yup this is how it ends for me… I finish nursing him and get him back into the car seat and off we go again… The wrenching that I feel is down right cruel and to the point where I was just going to pull over in the cold and go in the woods. But I can’t ever bring myself to GO in the woods to go. Not number 2 anyway…  Then I was even considering just going in my pants! I just want the pain to go away! I am desperate! At this point, I am at the half way point home… He starts crying again, and I am self talking my gut down off the ledge… if you catch my drift… I was at the point where you can’t trust a fart. I even turned down the radio so that I hear my own agony.

I pull over once more to see what could possibly wrong again… I am doing all that I can so I don’t mess myself, wreck and ensure that my child is safe. Finally, I figure it out. He wanted his pacifier, and there was a piece of his blanket stuck between his car seat and its base so he was uncomfortable. Success … For the win is me and my son… My son is content and now I can get moving… I have been on the road now for an hour, I should have been home by now. But now I just needed to get to a bathroom … Like 30 minutes ago!! You know those moments where you are so into what you are doing that you drive slower to concentrate… yea that was me that night.

With my son happy I was able to drive and talk to myself to encourage my nether regions to corporate… ” Just wait… you can do this!” or ” Just get to this mile marker…” and ” yay you made it through the last 15 minutes, good job!” I mean it was embarrassing and it was just me in the car. So I finally take the turn to get to my house. I was literally minutes away from a toilet!! My toilet!! And that is when my gut was ” You BETTER HURRY LADY, IMMA BLOW SOON!! LIKE NOOOOWWWW!!” Taking deep breaths and just talking a little louder to myself to distract myself… I am so close… I pull into my driveway… and That was it…. I get out there is hope for me… my body choose otherwise… Right there as soon as I get out my car, it happened, so involuntary.. I was humiliated… I scream for my then husband to get the baby… as I ran into the house, past my oldest son and into the bathroom… My oldest son yells from the other room… ” MOM DID YOU POOP YOURSELF?!” Then came into the bathroom to investigate the happenings, and while I sit on the pot in pure agony and humiliation, he tells me ” Momma you know how to go potty, why did you poop in your shorts?” I couldn’t do anything but laugh in that moment.

Then my husband, at the time, walks in and sees me there, and just laughs, then starts a shower for me. He then asked if I had the sopapillas. I said yes, followed by ” I thought I had enough time.” I got into the shower and he gathered my messed clothes and started the washer. After everything was all said and done… I was able to enjoy the experience of it all. Which brings me here to why this is reverent to the right now…

Shit happens… I went through many stages.. denial, bargaining, wishful thinking, thinking I could out smart the situation, frustration, humiliation, acceptance and finally humor in it all. Once I accepted that this was happening there was no more embarrassment from it really. I was able to tell this story to a few close friends and all my family. It was too good not to share, and now I am sharing this with you.

In the season that I am going through now, there is a lot of things that remind me of this moment. I have to remind myself that I am not in control and there are things that I have to surrender even though I don’t want to. I am able to see through the crap and just allow it to happen, because there is a blessing in it all.  I have a great story to tell, maybe not one that everyone wants to hear but equally entertaining. I find myself smiling because I know that I’m almost “home,” in the sense that I know that this is just a season in my life and that I am growing from all of this.

Once, my focused changed to joy in a crappy situation I was able to see the “Shower,” and enjoy the little moments of fun and laughter with my family. I know that the season will change soon and things are going to be different and a little more mindful of what not to “eat.” and what NOT to eat. Well I hope this story gave you a little giggle, and maybe some insight… I still eat sopapillas  but only if I know I am close to the bathroom…