My Christmas Card 2017

Merry Christmas everyone. We are just 9 days and some change away from 2018. I know! I can’t believe it either. I feel like the year started with a new beginning of a year of change. Yes the year of change. The year of growth. I know for me it has felt that way. My 2017 year started with quite a wake up call for me as a mother. I was given a load to carry and to see it through. That was my assignment. It was the start of many hard loads to carry. I knew I had to speak up for the one for the many. Due to its nature I can’t yet speak about it. But it is definitely something that I will tackle when I am told that I can. It was a situation where I was on the outside looking in, like ” This happens to other people, and now I know what other people feel like.” It was scary at first, but I overcame the fear of opening my mouth and saying something about it. I look forward to sharing that experience with you all in the future.

Then my daughter and step daughter came to live with us full time. We went from being an empty nest to having company. It was an exciting time for everyone. We were all getting to know each other and how things work in my house. Rules, boundaries, limitations and expectations. For awhile it worked like well oiled machine. Everyone knew what they needed to do and when. Then a quick shift happened. And that is when the new assignment came… survive! Hahaha. I have three teens and two pre-teens. I am a full believer in it takes a village to raise kids. If I had to go through this alone I might end up back in rehab. I’m joking. There are some moments where I wasn’t sure if I was going to make it. I have learned a lot from my two teen daughters. Adolescents are toddlers with hormones. I mean that with all sincerity in my heart, but dang!! I learned that I really have to rely on Him all the time, otherwise, things might have gotten worse. But He doesn’t give us more than what we can carry right?! (John 16:12 NIV) He is pretty mindful of what you can carry, and He is able to help you grow through the rough stuff because He walks with us in all situations. I had referenced to the book of Proverbs a lot. To ensure that I am doing all that I can and I am being a good mom regardless how many times I was told otherwise. Which was a lot!! But I stayed within my faith first, and worked through it in confidence that I was doing the wise thing. I was super unpopular within these four walls, but in my heart I was okay with that. Teens in this day and age have a lot of new things thrown at them; much different than even seventeen short years ago. I so badly want to talk about everything that has happened, but what I can tell you is, It was a lot of darts at my back, my home, my kids right down to the dogs. It is a lot calmer, but nowhere close to being calm or peaceful. Having teen daughters so close in age is HARD!!! Like you need to be expert level in parenting. Especially since both girls have grown worlds a part. There is a lot of people affected, and we all have to work together in our own to make something work. I trust in my faith that we will work through it and we will survive. It takes a lot of work to keep the peace. A lot of letting go of certain things, and a large village. Unfortunately, there is still a lot of separation, but I feel that is temporary. God is working in everyone in their own ways. I learned to talk to others about what’s going on. Community is so important. I learned not to “Throw in the towel.” thanks Mom I learned how to step back when and where I needed too. Not an easy lesson to learn. I also had to learn was am I doing this for myself or for them. Was I wanting credit for knowing everything or was I maybe insulting the other adults in the same situation as me? It made realize that I need to really put myself in check at times, and allow somethings to happen. This has been the biggest part of my year, focused on the kids. I am blessed to have all my children, and my step children … even if they don’t know it, they were an answered prayer. So thank you Lord. Regardless of what they are going through I love them, and want nothing but the best for them.

Then I went to New Orleans for a few days, and was gone for about a week. It was a lot of fun, and which I then start noticing a new trend of things. Like my eyes were starting to open to a new light. I realized how much fun a road trip is across a thousand miles. Almost getting the Zika in Arkansas, the skeeters there are HUGE!! I was tired and I just shouted that in the middle of an empty convenient store. The poor clerk couldn’t stop laughing. It was also the middle of the night. In parts of Louisiana they farm their corn in sideways. It’s always wet, which is nice. I don’t mind that. That’s just some memories. I really wanted to go to Duck Commander and didn’t get to this time, but maybe next time. I also realized that my friend Kateri and I really didn’t sleep a whole lot. Haha. But I learned that I want to get to know so many people, I want to forge strong friends with others that I look up to, gals who are liked minded, I want to make memories with some new friends that I have been too afraid to tell them, ” hey I want to be your friend, want to hang out sometime?” That has been happening lately, and it feels good. This was a turning point for me in this year, when I came back from New Orleans there was a fast lane of life headed my way and I had no idea.

What happened in all that time from August to present has me even know in awe of this year and all that I have endured. Both good and bad. We were blessed with getting a new truck after a long time of not knowing if we could. We were blessed with that gift and that payment. Haha but now we have a reliable mode of transportation. I was sad to see buttons go ( my old ford) but it was time. Now we have Peter, the new white truck. I am taking better care of myself. I am looking fear in the face and telling it to kindly move because it is hindering my journey. I am going back to church, which is a blessing in itself. I am putting myself out there, and accepting when a door closes on something not to go back to it. It’s closed and it has served its purpose. I am getting better at saying what I mean when I say it. I hope to learn more about my gifts that were given to me. I was reminded of my purpose, which is to write, and write some more. Learn more, experience more, take care of myself in order to take care of others, love, be compassionate, be assertive, discernment and really getting my life back. It was highjacked for a little bit. But man to end this year like this is a blessing. I know that I went through this to learn these things and so much more. I am a better person for it. I mean I am really taking care of myself in a new fresh way. I am losing weight, both physically and in all areas in my life that I needed to lose some weight. I mean I inspire myself sometimes, ” Good job Kristal for treating yourself good today.” I am becoming disciplined in a new way. I know that all that I have gone through good and bad was setting me up for something in the future. I really believe that. Life is so much more than the enemy darts coming your way. (Matthew 6:25 NIV) I know I am taken care of. Love yourself that way you can love others the same way … Would you treat someone the way you treat yourself? (Matthew 22:39 NIV) I know I wouldn’t treat anyone they way I have treated myself lately…. So I take care of me first, and I don’t feel selfish for it. Because I know I am in a much better place to help others when the time is right.

This year has been a good one. I am able to see the joy in all of it. I look forward to what 2018 brings. No matter what, it starts with me and where I am going in this journey. I look forward to writing myself a letter on my anniversary thats coming up, and I cant wait to read it in a years time. But first Jesus’ birthday shindig first.

Regardless of all the “bad things,” that happened this year, it was a great season. I grew up a little bit more, became more mature in my walk. Learned so much. Weeding your theoretical garden of life is a must. If its a weed,pull it. It might hurt but your garden will appreciate you doing it. You’ll be able to grow something new in that good soil, because you made some room. Love yourself everyday. Forgive often, maybe a lot. But live!! Not just survive to the next moment. I rather have a floaty in flood waters than nothing at all.

Kristal xx

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Talk about it Tuesday

Well, things are just moving right along y’all. I feel like I am finally getting my groove in things. I knew the season would be winding down. It has been a crazy 6-8 months of life for me. Not that I am counting or anything, and not to say that things are roses and rainbows, but they do feel not so overwhelming. I don’t feel that the other shoe is about to drop. We all have those moments right?! Like what else could happen? When actually its not our job to really know what the future holds. Today has its own problems, can’t worry about tomorrow. (Matthew 6:24 NIV) And with a lot of practice of being mindful and being in the present moment helps a ton with being grounded.

I can recognize and accept the emotions that come with the situation, but not be consumed by them. Now for me unlike other healthy people, it still takes me a while to work through situations and the emotions that come with that. Sometimes even days and weeks, especially if its a big ordeal. It’s the one time I actually have to fight back the old ways of coping. Like full on OCD blowout to just cope. It’s like a frantic cleaning, freak out then go back to cleaning, setting rules and limitations for everyone, then back to over doing the rituals over and over. Now, I know doing those things don’t actually help me or benefit me as a person. It does however get all the cleaning and gets the things I need or want evened out, or the trash all out of the way at once. Or I will try to read and research a something until its almost tunnel vision when I am trying to cope. It’s really unhealthy. At least now I am in a place where its not so extreme at all, I really rely on Him first, then do things in moderation until I am able to calm down, and figure out what I need to do and feel better.

So, that isn’t what I wanted to talk about. My second year anniversary is coming up with my recovery. It’s a super emotionally filled mine field at times. This year is no exception, in fact more traumatic events happened in this part of the year. Let me back up … This is the hardest time of year because three years ago is when I was going through one of the toughest times in my life. I lost Granddaddy, I was over working myself in a job I loved, I was going through a tough time in my marriage, I was going through something with my kids that I still won’t really talk about, and then my boys moved out right before Christmas to their dads, and I couldn’t hold it anymore and finally attempted suicide. Twice! That’s why its a hard time this time of year for me in a nutshell.

So the first year of recovery at this time of year, I was basically living in bed, hopeless and full of sadness. I didn’t want to shower, I was only leaving my bed to get some food to bring back to my room, all activities stopped. I didn’t even know I was doing it until I was called out about it. Then I was like “Oh, what am I doing?!” I was able from that moment really SEE what I was doing and use the skills that I was learning and applying to get myself out of bed and live. This year, there have been new events that have added to this time of year, and I was internally freaking out a bit. Because I knew going into this time of year that I can’t live in bed, or not shower, among other things. Then other things started happening and it felt like chaos!!

So I needed to put all I knew into action and use this time to really put my weaker practices into action as well. More importantly I needed to stay as grounded as possible. GROUNDED!! I needed to be the deeply rooted tree in the storm. I needed to be able to sway in the storm but stay rooted. I knew I might lose some of my leaves and branches but I needed to see the joy and that maybe I needed some pruning. See what I did there. Haha So I stayed rooted in my faith, hope and the love He has for me. Seek direction in the Word of God, and get a lot of guidance and not be afraid. Another thing was to talk about it. I searched for a therapist that could help someone in my situation, and I couldn’t find one that could help me. I can’t always take up my support systems time, so I was able to call the suicide hotline ( 1-800-273-8255, ) on those really bad nights. They were able to help me when I needed. Then I was able to talk with some friends about stuff, and it was nice to see things in a new fresh way. But no matter what I still needed to go through the emotional part of things and actually go through it all and at my pace. Which I am doing. I still get sad but I dont sit in the sadness all day. I recognize that I am feeling that emotion and express that and do what I need to do to cope. #SelfCare #SelfLove

So a friend of mine reached out to me a couple of weeks ago asking if I was okay, because there was a trend there where I wasn’t doing what I normally do. Once again, I was reminded in that moment to be aware of what I am doing or not doing in this time. Sometimes it takes someone from the outside to call me out, and she did. I confided in her on what was on my mind and what I was going through and that my anniversary was coming up; what she said to me impacted me. She told me to celebrate it. I never thought about it in that way. I thought about it like ” Just survive it Kristal once its past you’ll be fine.” But to celebrate it… whoa my mind was blown. God was telling me something and delivered the message through her. #PraiseGodandHisGoodWork #ThanksMelinda So I what did with that nugget of good ol LOVE, was really celebrate the days coming as that date approaches. By really loving myself. I am blessed to have such great friends in my life. They are an answered prayer. He keeps on giving. So for those of you who are in a place that is hard to cope in this time of year I have this to say.

I know what you may be feeling. I may not know your situation or what you are going through, but the emotional parts I hear you. They aren’t forever, they too move on to a different emotion and it keeps going. I encourage you to get out of bed, whatever small or big reason you give yourself to make that a action happen do it. If it means, that you need to eat breakfast and smell like a clean human, and thats your motivation to get out of bed, then do it. I encourage you to reach out to talk to someone. Sometimes we just need to unload all that baggage and need someone to listen. Trust in faith that someone in your life wants to listen and be there for you, let them and give yourself the permission to allow them to do it for you. If you dont have anyone or feel that you dont, call the hotline. I think they even have it to where you can text now. Do something to make yourself feel good, like getting flowers, draw, take a bath, make some cookies, watch a silly movie. Just to name a few. Find joy in the moments that you do for yourself. And if you’re in a place where you’ve lost someone too, celebrate all the great things this person has done or made you feel while they were here. When Granddaddy passed I mourned his loss for a long time. I still cry when I think of him not being here, but I also remember all the silliness and how loving he was. That man loved me and that is what I remember and hold on too. I don’t have all the answers but I know this time of year is hard on a lot of people all around the world. If you are reading this and you are one of those people, you are not alone. If you are reading this and know someone who is going through a hard time during this season, reach out to them, you never know what your presence means to them. You might be exactly what they needed in this time of their live. Love each other, be kind and be good to yourself and each other. Be light in the dark.

With that said have a great day and smile.

With love,


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Getting into the Rhythm even when you dont have Rhythm

Last Sunday durning my church service, My pastor was teaching about the Rhythm of Christmas. I felt it was interesting when he was teaching this in the following perpestive. I wasn’t sure how the music lesson was going to tie into Jesus. I loved the whole thing. I learned that I may never be a drummer, and I would be that one band member that would always be a little off. I used to play in Orchestra our conductor kept our time along with our foot, but I am not sure that it was really a proper etiquette in orchestra; I’m not really sure, moving. Orchestra I understand, but if I were to learn to play the drums I would have to have mass amounts of practice and lessons. Over and over until I got it and it was second nature. Which makes total sense when we apply it to everyday in our lives. Eureka I got it!!

I am one of those musically inclined people, if you want to call it that, I am that person that can hear it and play it to hear a mistake or something is off. I also learned that not everyone has that gift, just like I don’t posses the gift of being a drummer the keeper of time. So keep this in mind as I go through this moment. On a side not I am in constant reminder of the anchor… I need the anchor. (Hebrews 6:19) Jesus is my anchor and reminder to go at his pace, or to slow down and stay grounded with Him.

After church and getting my daily bread, I look back on my notes and the scriptures and I try to apply it to my life. Like really apply it. In this case, how do I stay in sync with God and how can I use the reference to music to understand and apply it.

Here’s my take. When I LISTEN to music, I am able to HEAR the conversation between instruments and media used to create the SOUND. Then I am able to COMPREHENDED what the singer or artist ( If there is one) is interpreting for us to be able to hear what the conversation is all about. Maybe its weird but that is how I hear music. When its a song that touches me, its because I am able to hear the entire conversation of the song and it touches my heart. You know the mood, the feelings, the story. Or I am able to take on my own interpretation of what the song is trying to say. In another words, I am digging in deeper and hearing all the sounds of the story being told.

Have you ever been in a mood that you couldn’t quite put your finger on, and you’re searching for a song to match what you’re feeling and you just can’t find that song? Yeah me too. Sometimes I feel that we can get that way in our lives. Nothing seems to sync up just right and we search and search to feed that moment. To satisfy that hunger. To make sense of what’s happening right? Bear with me. God has a reason for this, and sometimes He is moving the band around, but it is still playing great music, even if we can’t hear it like He does. God calls us to have a relationship with Him and Jesus is the heartbeat. ” He started the heartbeat of Jesus.” Y’all, when my Pastor said this, he put his hand to his chest , Thump thump…. thump thump…Je-sus Je-sus …. Je-sus Je-sus… That made so much sense to me. The gift that God gave me was redemption through Jesus. My thump thump… Talk about mind blown. God is love. Love is God. We often refer to the heart as love. Jesus equals your thump thump. I know right! I know that not everyone will see what I mean here, but this is how it made sense to me.

So my heart calls me for a purpose. So many of us, don’t listen to music the way I do. I know I am not alone, but my perception may not be like others. But we still are all a part of the same band bro. I am just not the drummer. Each of us have a different role to play and a different purpose. So how do we get our lives in sync or rhythm with Him? Well, its a choice I think. I know that I chose to listen to what He is calling me to do. I know that I am to write. That is all I know. I have to listen closely to what I am being guided to do. Even though it scares me, I may be lead by faith and not by sight. (2 Corinthians 5:7 NIV) I may not see the results right away, or hear the music playing at the moment, But I LISTEN to what I am being instructed to do by SOUND so I am able to COMPREHEND what I am to do next and know that the music is going to be awesome. We all have a purpose to fulfill. I know that when I was called to write I had no idea what or how everything was going to work. It turns out that me Knowing isn’t my current instrument to play, my instrument is to be obedient and write. Do the work to practice everyday, some days are harder than others, but I am practicing until its my second nature. Just like so many other things in my life at the moment as you may have read yesterday. I need to do the hard work to get where I need to be in accordance to what His will is.

So the last thing I wrote in my notes was this ” How can you get better Rhythm?” Well, I made the choice to change, to allow Him to do what He needs to do. There is a reason for me to have the purpose in this life because it’s going to matter to someone else that He puts in my path. We get out of sync because of sin and to align with God its going to take a lot of practice. I dont have the exact words that my Pastor used but I feel that I am pretty close. I dont know about you but I certainly dont like going through a hard time alone, I rather have a partner, brother, sister right next to me, and Jesus is right there beside me too, even if I can see Him. I know that He will never leave me as long as I reach for His hand.

My previous blog post, is a glimpse into what I am doing to stay in sync, its hard work, and its a lot of practice but by the grace of God, the support from Jesus,and guidance from the Holy Spirit, My journey doesn’t look so overwhelming. And just like any relationship there’s a lot of work and practice there too. It’s hard for us humans to really understand God’s love for us. Like we can’t even fathom the love He gives us and or many of us don’t even know what that would even look like. but maybe that is for another post later. Nevertheless, He wants a relationship with us. If you could text Him everyday like you would your best friend, would you and what would you tell him? That is what He is wanting. He loves you right where you are today, and who you are today. He is the most trustworthy friend you’ll ever have. He is the dad you can tell EVERYTHING too, and will still love you at the end of the day. So what part of the band is He calling you towards? Are you willing to take His hand and walk with Him through this process, even if its scary? Are you ready to start? Well I encourage you to pray on it ( have a conversation with Him) and I will do the same. We aren’t perfect beings, I am perfectly imperfect made by Him and He loves me faithfully, even when I let him down by my shortcomings but I will continue to the work and practice.

Thank you for reading today. Please feel free to comment, like and share. Please subscribe and don’t miss a beat with me!

Lastly, here is a funny picture of my American Bulldog Tucker. He just turned 4!!

Being the Woman I want to be … Progress Report

Although, by now most of you have known that I am going through this journey and sharing my experiences with you. I will hold myself accountable here, because I haven’t been consistent. I am working on being better on all the areas that need changing. That is one of them.

So a lot of life has happened for me, which has created an affect to change myself. I was an empty cup and I was pouring into things and people that I had no business doing. So I made the choice to focus on me and my future. I gave myself the permission to do so. I can’t tell you all the times that I would say to myself that I would be selfish if I focused on myself. I believed that for so long, I will tell you that is one of the biggest lies I did believed and it legitimately held me back. So what I have done since October…

First thing I did, was start making boundaries with the people closest to me. That meant family and friends alike. If time is your only real asset on this round ball before going to your forever place, then maybe we need to manage it wisely. I know that I want to accomplish some awesome things in my life and I know I can’t do that if I do everything for everyone else. Whatever “everything” looks like to you. To me that looks like this …” Kristal you’re at home and nothing better to do, lets just do something else with your time.” I wish that I could honestly tell you how busy stay at home moms are. The expectation is that You are home, so therefore you have the time to clean the house, take care of the food, laundry, make all sorts of calls (IDK), take care of the errands, take care of the dogs, and somewhere in there; in my case find time to write my book, blog, and my makeup business. Not to mention to do this with a stable mind and heart. In an other words that people assume since I am home that I have all this free time when I don’t. because that is just during the day when no one is home, then we everyone comes home, then its dinner, clean the kitchen again, and whatever else needs to be done. At the end of the day, I just want to be alone doing something that I want to do that is enjoyable, but there is no time. How many times working or at home do you feel this way? Seriously, ask yourself that. I know that for me my schedule is so packed that I rarely have time for myself. So that is the next thing I tackled… Time management.

Time management is one of those things that is a never ending balance of work and fun. Things you have to do and things you want to do. Then allowing enough room for the things that come up unexpectedly.

This is a current, all ever so changing schedule for me. As you can see here, I am making the time to do better and setting myself up for success. I have a bad habit of not eating consistently hence the alarms to remind me to stop what I am doing to eat. Because I am taking the time to take care of myself and be the woman I want to be. My alarms go all the way to 8pm. After 8pm its my time to do what I want to do. For those of you who don’t know, I have ritualistic OCD this is hard thing to break. For me to start this, I had to go through a series of levels of thinking and action to get me to this point. To break OCD you have to go against everything you’ve done in the past and do the opposite. That a blog for a different day, haha. Nevertheless, I still wrote down all my goals for the next three, six, nine, and year goals. then with the three month goals I had to write out my weekly goals. I am sticking to one week at a time, Revisting that goal planning every Sunday when I prep my food for the week. Which in itself is a lot of time to consume. It is totally worth it. I am still working out the kinks to my time management because this is a change for others around me, they have a hard time with my changes too. It affects them too. A more assertive Kristal within her interpersonal circle is a shock to some, along with making time for herself and the things that are import to her are hard too. So then this brings me to my journey to weight loss.

So many years I have been wanting to lose the weight. I know I am among millions of woman who struggle with body image. There is a moment in every weight loss journey that starts with this moment of being scared which turns into change. I had mine recently. It is kind of a funny story to me, but the point of it all is I was scared. Over the last few years I have made choices to stop eating certain foods because of how it affects me physically. But with the combo job of not eating consistently, or eating the right portions or adding new healthy foods, along with stress that has been recent over the last 6 months, you do pack on the pounds not even meaning too. I was already obese but with my job at the time I was active, but the other things weren’t aligned. And plainly speaking… I wasn’t committed really deep down. Well, I have since stopped working at my most favorite job ever. (A career I am great at I might add) I have gained another 30 pounds. I have really been able to feel the weight for the first time. I am embarrassed to go out in public, finding clothes is a nightmare, I am really self loathing for the first time, but I refuse to allow myself to continue that trend anymore. I don’t want to accept whether I need to make choices based off of whether it is ” Fat people friendly,’ anymore. I haven’t got my hair cut in like nine months because I feel I am going to break her chair, so I save myself from that embarrassment. For instance, before my girlfriends and I went to New Orleans we all went out for a nail day, and low and behold I am sitting in the pedi chair, towards the end I adjusted myself and the chair made a loud crack noise in a quiet room ( of course the one moment where all the women stop talking) and everyone looked at me. I was mortified inside. I apologized to my tech, as she looked at me then looked around, and then back at me and said ” Don’t be sorry for anything. You’re fine, who cares.” And she looked around assuring me that I don’t need to care what others think. Then I broke one of my nails right before my manicure, because my tech was having a hard time pulling the cuff of my pants back down for me. So I helped her and broke my nail. It was a fiasco, but she took care of me.

But back to the doctor, I knew I had a UTI before we went to New Orleans but I thought I could manage it and get rid of it from home. Okay okay I didn’t want to go to the doctor because I didn’t have it in the budget. So I go to the doctor because I had flank pain, which only tells me that the infection is now in my kidneys. I am no doctor, but i know my body. I also know that I am a walking anomaly when it comes to health stuff. So in this case, the last time I had a UTI was when I pregnant with my oldest son, who is now fifteen years old. I don’t have pain when I go tinkle, or the other symptoms. I just knew that I had one. Anyway, I was at the doctor for nearly two hours, because my sample came back as “Normal,” and then the doctor wanted to insure that there wasn’t something sinister happening in my lady parts, which there wasn’t!! The doctors wasn’t listening to me because the science was telling her something else. It didn’t matter how many times I told her that its a UTI, we did slightly argue about it, but there I am in my paper dress, which isn’t big girl friendly, the whole thing isn’t fun to begin with. I would go into further details on how mortified I was at this point. There is always that moment of awkward conversation they try to do while preforming such procedures, sorry there isn’t more awkward then that moment. I would rather pose nude for an hour than do that once a year. Just saying. Moving on. I was glad I showered before I went. #AwkardDotCom

So then the doctor informs that she is going to get my sample cultured or something, but that I was perfectly fine. Two days later my results come back with having a UTI. But that isn’t what scared me, what scared me was my vitals. My blood pressure was not normal for me, and the nurse walked out fast so I couldn’t ask. I did get the information that I was looking for. I drew the line in the sand when it comes to my heart. I am too young to be this size in the first place but I need to take care of my heart and the body it supports. Right then and there I knew what I needed to commit to. Since then I have been eating clean, prepping my food, and exercising. I have experienced a lot of new things… like really feeling cruddy with detoxing from my old ways. Eating at the same time everyday really makes a difference. I am working through it, and not giving up on myself. Not to mention that the self talk has changed as well.

I am becoming more disciplined in doing it for me, not anyone else. I see the end game and there is tunnel vision, and once that happens there is no stopping it. So that is my moment of health change. And I am grateful for going to the Docs that day.

Next was going back to church. There is nothing like having a church family and friends. Bar none. I was scared to death to go back to church. The enemy is a clever thing, not that the enemy gets credit for that. #NotTodaySatan but for a year I haven’t gone because I didn’t understand a certain situation that happened with my Pastor and I. So i took it personally, and held onto the misunderstanding. Although, I knew that I needed to talk to my Pastor before I decided to go back or to another church. But the thing is that I love my church. Like really love my church, and didn’t really want to go anywhere else, but I wasn’t in a place to confront what was bothering me. God always has a plan, doesn’t he?! His plans and timing are ALWAYS PERFECT! That meeting finally happened, and it felt so good to have that conversation and get past it. Slowly, we move forward. With all things on the table and aired out. Then it was time to come to church. I opted not to go to the that first Sunday, to kind of let things settle for me personally, but that next Sunday, I was going regardless of what the enemy was throwing at me that morning. Telling me lies and it felt good to walk in through the doors, even though I was scared out of my mind. Everyone was welcoming and a lot of new faces. I sat in the back, like when I first started going so many years ago, and one lady to whom I adore, like so many others, she invited me to sit next to her. It was awesome to have such a welcoming back. I wanted to cry but man to have my cup filled for the week was amazing. I even had my daughter go to church with me the next time round. She was hesitant but even she received some nuggets of bread that day. #PraiseYouLord

Despite the many oppositions that are all around me and you, God is so much bigger than what those moments are. Those oppressors, those things that are major challenges that we all have in our life, when we trust in Him, the victory is already won, you just have to get out of His way and do the hard work. because that is what it is… hard work. and nothing worth having comes easy. This task that I am given isnt an easy one and I am more than happy to do the work to do what is asked of me when it comes to Him. He can turn any bad situation into a blessing if you are willing to see and listen. #GetIntoTheRhythm #GettingInSync #ActivePracticing #NBFLAPastorShawnisms

So to end this message and blog I hope you find the time for you. When you pour into yourself first then you can pour into others. When you take the time to listen to Him and fall back into His grace things become a little more manageable and easier to see the joy in all situations that you are going through. Take care of yourselves to be the better versions of you. Whatever that looks like to you!!

Love yourself!! And own who you are!! If you are starting or thinking of starting something that youve been wanting to do, I encourage you to take the steps to set yourself up for success. Lean on Him to help you through. Make boundaries, take the five seconds to build the courage for the first step, manage your time, and don’t settle. Love yourself and take care until next time.

What Is That Smell …

This is going to be one of those stories that will either make you or break you … So here we go … I was thinking of the post that I was going to do today… and there is just so much shit that is going on that it triggered a memory… A very embarrassing story but nonetheless a story that is true and needs to be aired out…

The story starts out like this… It’s a cold October night. I am having dinner with my parents with my infant son. I am there to visit but also to receive a car that they have generously given to me. Aren’t I a lucky duck! It was a great blessing because I really needed a car at that time in my life. Anyway, there are certain foods that I ate that night that I knew that I would later regret. Although worth it normally, on this night not so much….

After a great meal and said our goodbye along with safe travel wishes, my son and I were on our way back home… 60 minutes away. Normally this isn’t something that would shock me.. I actually like to drive, I was looking forward to it… Well, It was until I reached the point of no return. That is when things started… it was the beginning of the end for me.

So I am driving through the Jemez mountains and my son starts crying 15 minutes into our trip. Nothing that a little breast-feeding won’t cure, right?! NOOOOPPPE. I pull over and get in the back and nurse him, burp him and love on him. I put him back in the car seat and hop in the driver’s seat, I buckle in and BOOM!! The gut wrenching pain of ” I GOTTA GO POOOO NOW” hits me. I am not quite panicked just yet. I think that I can make it home before it’s all hits the fan .. If you know what I mean….

So I’m driving along doing all that I can to distract myself from the impending doom in my gut. I am singing and just enjoying the distraction, until the pain comes back… you all know that pain I am talking about… Then my son starts crying again… I pull over again.. to see if he needed a diaper change. Now mind you I am just 10 minutes into driving from the last stop. I check his diaper and he is all good, but he won’t stop crying! I check to see if there is something poking him in the car seat, make sure that he seated correctly. I mean I checked everything. Then I started to think maybe he is going through a growth spurt. He was close to the next growth spurt so I nursed him again, and it seemed to accelerate the feelings of having to go even worse!!

Now I have the poo pains and sweats. I feel that I am dying… yup this is how it ends for me… I finish nursing him and get him back into the car seat and off we go again… The wrenching that I feel is down right cruel and to the point where I was just going to pull over in the cold and go in the woods. But I can’t ever bring myself to GO in the woods to go. Not number 2 anyway…  Then I was even considering just going in my pants! I just want the pain to go away! I am desperate! At this point, I am at the half way point home… He starts crying again, and I am self talking my gut down off the ledge… if you catch my drift… I was at the point where you can’t trust a fart. I even turned down the radio so that I hear my own agony.

I pull over once more to see what could possibly wrong again… I am doing all that I can so I don’t mess myself, wreck and ensure that my child is safe. Finally, I figure it out. He wanted his pacifier, and there was a piece of his blanket stuck between his car seat and its base so he was uncomfortable. Success … For the win is me and my son… My son is content and now I can get moving… I have been on the road now for an hour, I should have been home by now. But now I just needed to get to a bathroom … Like 30 minutes ago!! You know those moments where you are so into what you are doing that you drive slower to concentrate… yea that was me that night.

With my son happy I was able to drive and talk to myself to encourage my nether regions to corporate… ” Just wait… you can do this!” or ” Just get to this mile marker…” and ” yay you made it through the last 15 minutes, good job!” I mean it was embarrassing and it was just me in the car. So I finally take the turn to get to my house. I was literally minutes away from a toilet!! My toilet!! And that is when my gut was ” You BETTER HURRY LADY, IMMA BLOW SOON!! LIKE NOOOOWWWW!!” Taking deep breaths and just talking a little louder to myself to distract myself… I am so close… I pull into my driveway… and That was it…. I get out there is hope for me… my body choose otherwise… Right there as soon as I get out my car, it happened, so involuntary.. I was humiliated… I scream for my then husband to get the baby… as I ran into the house, past my oldest son and into the bathroom… My oldest son yells from the other room… ” MOM DID YOU POOP YOURSELF?!” Then came into the bathroom to investigate the happenings, and while I sit on the pot in pure agony and humiliation, he tells me ” Momma you know how to go potty, why did you poop in your shorts?” I couldn’t do anything but laugh in that moment.

Then my husband, at the time, walks in and sees me there, and just laughs, then starts a shower for me. He then asked if I had the sopapillas. I said yes, followed by ” I thought I had enough time.” I got into the shower and he gathered my messed clothes and started the washer. After everything was all said and done… I was able to enjoy the experience of it all. Which brings me here to why this is reverent to the right now…

Shit happens… I went through many stages.. denial, bargaining, wishful thinking, thinking I could out smart the situation, frustration, humiliation, acceptance and finally humor in it all. Once I accepted that this was happening there was no more embarrassment from it really. I was able to tell this story to a few close friends and all my family. It was too good not to share, and now I am sharing this with you.

In the season that I am going through now, there is a lot of things that remind me of this moment. I have to remind myself that I am not in control and there are things that I have to surrender even though I don’t want to. I am able to see through the crap and just allow it to happen, because there is a blessing in it all.  I have a great story to tell, maybe not one that everyone wants to hear but equally entertaining. I find myself smiling because I know that I’m almost “home,” in the sense that I know that this is just a season in my life and that I am growing from all of this.

Once, my focused changed to joy in a crappy situation I was able to see the “Shower,” and enjoy the little moments of fun and laughter with my family. I know that the season will change soon and things are going to be different and a little more mindful of what not to “eat.” and what NOT to eat. Well I hope this story gave you a little giggle, and maybe some insight… I still eat sopapillas  but only if I know I am close to the bathroom…

And we’re back to forgiveness… 

It’s so stinking hard!! I found it easier to forgive when it was my choice. Now I am in a place where I am given this free will of making the choice to do the right thing. 

I wish I could be less cryptic and less vague about it because I know that so many of you would totally understand where I am coming from. 

Recently, I was heartbroken by someone I had a close relationship with. The words that were spoken to me were so devastating that it served my ties within my heart. What grew there was resentment. That is something I DONT WANT THERE. What’s just as bad is there is another person who is enabling this heartbroke-ness further. Which breaks my heart even more. The feelings that overwhelm me feel impossible to get passed. The whole situation feels faked and forced. On everyone’s part. 

I don’t like visiting the once was Wall. It’s a now empty place that deserves good soil now. Good growth not weeds of destruction. At the same time it’s also a place where I also need to build and grow myself to not allow people who are close to me to hurt me. I am not a punching bag anymore. I am not a person who deserves dirty feet all over my like a welcome mat. At the same time that gives me no right to hold someone by the throat in judgment. They are not my prisoners. 

So that goes back to choices. I feel resentment but I know these people and care for them deeply. What they’re doing is not okay but doesn’t change that I need to practice forgiveness. And in this case I have to practice and forgive a lot throughout the day or even moments in the day. It will get easier boo boo. 

I finally admitted yesterday to God that I have these feelings and I don’t want them. They are stealing my joy. They are stealing my smile. They are killing me slowly. I know now what is bothering me. I was heartbroken and felt betrayed. I invested a lot into these relationships and now I have to allow that bridge to finish burning and allow the ashes to become a place of nourishment. 

I have to practice love just as much as I do forgiveness. God is working throughout me and all around me. Just as He is working throughout them. I know who I am in Christ and I am not fighting flesh and blood. 

So how did I come to this place of enlightenment? Well the Holy Spirit of course. I was driving around and I like to think of the Holy Spirit just riding around with me. We had a conversation about what was going on and of course the guidence that came from that conversation was pretty clear. 

Yup that’s correct. My phone dinged and on my notifications was the Daily verse. Isn’t He amazing and faithful! So I recited this verse in first person and repeated it. Over and over and over. I need to. Right now I have to lean on Him and not my flesh. My flesh wants things my heart doesn’t. I have to do this for them just as I do for myself. I was held accountable for the way I was feeling and I was reminded of the love that I have and that He has for me. 

Forgiveness doesn’t mean that I am not allowed to be upset. Forgiveness is a choice. Forgiveness is to release people from the prison you may have put people in. Forgiveness is an act of love and compassion. Forgiveness is what we ask of from Him. And He is so faithful to us even when we don’t deserve it. 

So I am done playing in his field of expertise. I don’t like it. I am not the judge. I will not fall anymore into this folly and just live.