What Is That Smell …

This is going to be one of those stories that will either make you or break you … So here we go … I was thinking of the post that I was going to do today… and there is just so much shit that is going on that it triggered a memory… A very embarrassing story but nonetheless a story that is true and needs to be aired out…

The story starts out like this… It’s a cold October night. I am having dinner with my parents with my infant son. I am there to visit but also to receive a car that they have generously given to me. Aren’t I a lucky duck! It was a great blessing because I really needed a car at that time in my life. Anyway, there are certain foods that I ate that night that I knew that I would later regret. Although worth it normally, on this night not so much….

After a great meal and said our goodbye along with safe travel wishes, my son and I were on our way back home… 60 minutes away. Normally this isn’t something that would shock me.. I actually like to drive, I was looking forward to it… Well, It was until I reached the point of no return. That is when things started… it was the beginning of the end for me.

So I am driving through the Jemez mountains and my son starts crying 15 minutes into our trip. Nothing that a little breast-feeding won’t cure, right?! NOOOOPPPE. I pull over and get in the back and nurse him, burp him and love on him. I put him back in the car seat and hop in the driver’s seat, I buckle in and BOOM!! The gut wrenching pain of ” I GOTTA GO POOOO NOW” hits me. I am not quite panicked just yet. I think that I can make it home before it’s all hits the fan .. If you know what I mean….

So I’m driving along doing all that I can to distract myself from the impending doom in my gut. I am singing and just enjoying the distraction, until the pain comes back… you all know that pain I am talking about… Then my son starts crying again… I pull over again.. to see if he needed a diaper change. Now mind you I am just 10 minutes into driving from the last stop. I check his diaper and he is all good, but he won’t stop crying! I check to see if there is something poking him in the car seat, make sure that he seated correctly. I mean I checked everything. Then I started to think maybe he is going through a growth spurt. He was close to the next growth spurt so I nursed him again, and it seemed to accelerate the feelings of having to go even worse!!

Now I have the poo pains and sweats. I feel that I am dying… yup this is how it ends for me… I finish nursing him and get him back into the car seat and off we go again… The wrenching that I feel is down right cruel and to the point where I was just going to pull over in the cold and go in the woods. But I can’t ever bring myself to GO in the woods to go. Not number 2 anyway…  Then I was even considering just going in my pants! I just want the pain to go away! I am desperate! At this point, I am at the half way point home… He starts crying again, and I am self talking my gut down off the ledge… if you catch my drift… I was at the point where you can’t trust a fart. I even turned down the radio so that I hear my own agony.

I pull over once more to see what could possibly wrong again… I am doing all that I can so I don’t mess myself, wreck and ensure that my child is safe. Finally, I figure it out. He wanted his pacifier, and there was a piece of his blanket stuck between his car seat and its base so he was uncomfortable. Success … For the win is me and my son… My son is content and now I can get moving… I have been on the road now for an hour, I should have been home by now. But now I just needed to get to a bathroom … Like 30 minutes ago!! You know those moments where you are so into what you are doing that you drive slower to concentrate… yea that was me that night.

With my son happy I was able to drive and talk to myself to encourage my nether regions to corporate… ” Just wait… you can do this!” or ” Just get to this mile marker…” and ” yay you made it through the last 15 minutes, good job!” I mean it was embarrassing and it was just me in the car. So I finally take the turn to get to my house. I was literally minutes away from a toilet!! My toilet!! And that is when my gut was ” You BETTER HURRY LADY, IMMA BLOW SOON!! LIKE NOOOOWWWW!!” Taking deep breaths and just talking a little louder to myself to distract myself… I am so close… I pull into my driveway… and That was it…. I get out there is hope for me… my body choose otherwise… Right there as soon as I get out my car, it happened, so involuntary.. I was humiliated… I scream for my then husband to get the baby… as I ran into the house, past my oldest son and into the bathroom… My oldest son yells from the other room… ” MOM DID YOU POOP YOURSELF?!” Then came into the bathroom to investigate the happenings, and while I sit on the pot in pure agony and humiliation, he tells me ” Momma you know how to go potty, why did you poop in your shorts?” I couldn’t do anything but laugh in that moment.

Then my husband, at the time, walks in and sees me there, and just laughs, then starts a shower for me. He then asked if I had the sopapillas. I said yes, followed by ” I thought I had enough time.” I got into the shower and he gathered my messed clothes and started the washer. After everything was all said and done… I was able to enjoy the experience of it all. Which brings me here to why this is reverent to the right now…

Shit happens… I went through many stages.. denial, bargaining, wishful thinking, thinking I could out smart the situation, frustration, humiliation, acceptance and finally humor in it all. Once I accepted that this was happening there was no more embarrassment from it really. I was able to tell this story to a few close friends and all my family. It was too good not to share, and now I am sharing this with you.

In the season that I am going through now, there is a lot of things that remind me of this moment. I have to remind myself that I am not in control and there are things that I have to surrender even though I don’t want to. I am able to see through the crap and just allow it to happen, because there is a blessing in it all.  I have a great story to tell, maybe not one that everyone wants to hear but equally entertaining. I find myself smiling because I know that I’m almost “home,” in the sense that I know that this is just a season in my life and that I am growing from all of this.

Once, my focused changed to joy in a crappy situation I was able to see the “Shower,” and enjoy the little moments of fun and laughter with my family. I know that the season will change soon and things are going to be different and a little more mindful of what not to “eat.” and what NOT to eat. Well I hope this story gave you a little giggle, and maybe some insight… I still eat sopapillas  but only if I know I am close to the bathroom…

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And we’re back to forgiveness… 

It’s so stinking hard!! I found it easier to forgive when it was my choice. Now I am in a place where I am given this free will of making the choice to do the right thing. 

I wish I could be less cryptic and less vague about it because I know that so many of you would totally understand where I am coming from. 

Recently, I was heartbroken by someone I had a close relationship with. The words that were spoken to me were so devastating that it served my ties within my heart. What grew there was resentment. That is something I DONT WANT THERE. What’s just as bad is there is another person who is enabling this heartbroke-ness further. Which breaks my heart even more. The feelings that overwhelm me feel impossible to get passed. The whole situation feels faked and forced. On everyone’s part. 

I don’t like visiting the once was Wall. It’s a now empty place that deserves good soil now. Good growth not weeds of destruction. At the same time it’s also a place where I also need to build and grow myself to not allow people who are close to me to hurt me. I am not a punching bag anymore. I am not a person who deserves dirty feet all over my like a welcome mat. At the same time that gives me no right to hold someone by the throat in judgment. They are not my prisoners. 

So that goes back to choices. I feel resentment but I know these people and care for them deeply. What they’re doing is not okay but doesn’t change that I need to practice forgiveness. And in this case I have to practice and forgive a lot throughout the day or even moments in the day. It will get easier boo boo. 

I finally admitted yesterday to God that I have these feelings and I don’t want them. They are stealing my joy. They are stealing my smile. They are killing me slowly. I know now what is bothering me. I was heartbroken and felt betrayed. I invested a lot into these relationships and now I have to allow that bridge to finish burning and allow the ashes to become a place of nourishment. 

I have to practice love just as much as I do forgiveness. God is working throughout me and all around me. Just as He is working throughout them. I know who I am in Christ and I am not fighting flesh and blood. 

So how did I come to this place of enlightenment? Well the Holy Spirit of course. I was driving around and I like to think of the Holy Spirit just riding around with me. We had a conversation about what was going on and of course the guidence that came from that conversation was pretty clear. 


Yup that’s correct. My phone dinged and on my notifications was the Daily verse. Isn’t He amazing and faithful! So I recited this verse in first person and repeated it. Over and over and over. I need to. Right now I have to lean on Him and not my flesh. My flesh wants things my heart doesn’t. I have to do this for them just as I do for myself. I was held accountable for the way I was feeling and I was reminded of the love that I have and that He has for me. 

Forgiveness doesn’t mean that I am not allowed to be upset. Forgiveness is a choice. Forgiveness is to release people from the prison you may have put people in. Forgiveness is an act of love and compassion. Forgiveness is what we ask of from Him. And He is so faithful to us even when we don’t deserve it. 

So I am done playing in his field of expertise. I don’t like it. I am not the judge. I will not fall anymore into this folly and just live.