What Is That Smell …

This is going to be one of those stories that will either make you or break you … So here we go … I was thinking of the post that I was going to do today… and there is just so much shit that is going on that it triggered a memory… A very embarrassing story but nonetheless a story that is true and needs to be aired out…

The story starts out like this… It’s a cold October night. I am having dinner with my parents with my infant son. I am there to visit but also to receive a car that they have generously given to me. Aren’t I a lucky duck! It was a great blessing because I really needed a car at that time in my life. Anyway, there are certain foods that I ate that night that I knew that I would later regret. Although worth it normally, on this night not so much….

After a great meal and said our goodbye along with safe travel wishes, my son and I were on our way back home… 60 minutes away. Normally this isn’t something that would shock me.. I actually like to drive, I was looking forward to it… Well, It was until I reached the point of no return. That is when things started… it was the beginning of the end for me.

So I am driving through the Jemez mountains and my son starts crying 15 minutes into our trip. Nothing that a little breast-feeding won’t cure, right?! NOOOOPPPE. I pull over and get in the back and nurse him, burp him and love on him. I put him back in the car seat and hop in the driver’s seat, I buckle in and BOOM!! The gut wrenching pain of ” I GOTTA GO POOOO NOW” hits me. I am not quite panicked just yet. I think that I can make it home before it’s all hits the fan .. If you know what I mean….

So I’m driving along doing all that I can to distract myself from the impending doom in my gut. I am singing and just enjoying the distraction, until the pain comes back… you all know that pain I am talking about… Then my son starts crying again… I pull over again.. to see if he needed a diaper change. Now mind you I am just 10 minutes into driving from the last stop. I check his diaper and he is all good, but he won’t stop crying! I check to see if there is something poking him in the car seat, make sure that he seated correctly. I mean I checked everything. Then I started to think maybe he is going through a growth spurt. He was close to the next growth spurt so I nursed him again, and it seemed to accelerate the feelings of having to go even worse!!

Now I have the poo pains and sweats. I feel that I am dying… yup this is how it ends for me… I finish nursing him and get him back into the car seat and off we go again… The wrenching that I feel is down right cruel and to the point where I was just going to pull over in the cold and go in the woods. But I can’t ever bring myself to GO in the woods to go. Not number 2 anyway…  Then I was even considering just going in my pants! I just want the pain to go away! I am desperate! At this point, I am at the half way point home… He starts crying again, and I am self talking my gut down off the ledge… if you catch my drift… I was at the point where you can’t trust a fart. I even turned down the radio so that I hear my own agony.

I pull over once more to see what could possibly wrong again… I am doing all that I can so I don’t mess myself, wreck and ensure that my child is safe. Finally, I figure it out. He wanted his pacifier, and there was a piece of his blanket stuck between his car seat and its base so he was uncomfortable. Success … For the win is me and my son… My son is content and now I can get moving… I have been on the road now for an hour, I should have been home by now. But now I just needed to get to a bathroom … Like 30 minutes ago!! You know those moments where you are so into what you are doing that you drive slower to concentrate… yea that was me that night.

With my son happy I was able to drive and talk to myself to encourage my nether regions to corporate… ” Just wait… you can do this!” or ” Just get to this mile marker…” and ” yay you made it through the last 15 minutes, good job!” I mean it was embarrassing and it was just me in the car. So I finally take the turn to get to my house. I was literally minutes away from a toilet!! My toilet!! And that is when my gut was ” You BETTER HURRY LADY, IMMA BLOW SOON!! LIKE NOOOOWWWW!!” Taking deep breaths and just talking a little louder to myself to distract myself… I am so close… I pull into my driveway… and That was it…. I get out there is hope for me… my body choose otherwise… Right there as soon as I get out my car, it happened, so involuntary.. I was humiliated… I scream for my then husband to get the baby… as I ran into the house, past my oldest son and into the bathroom… My oldest son yells from the other room… ” MOM DID YOU POOP YOURSELF?!” Then came into the bathroom to investigate the happenings, and while I sit on the pot in pure agony and humiliation, he tells me ” Momma you know how to go potty, why did you poop in your shorts?” I couldn’t do anything but laugh in that moment.

Then my husband, at the time, walks in and sees me there, and just laughs, then starts a shower for me. He then asked if I had the sopapillas. I said yes, followed by ” I thought I had enough time.” I got into the shower and he gathered my messed clothes and started the washer. After everything was all said and done… I was able to enjoy the experience of it all. Which brings me here to why this is reverent to the right now…

Shit happens… I went through many stages.. denial, bargaining, wishful thinking, thinking I could out smart the situation, frustration, humiliation, acceptance and finally humor in it all. Once I accepted that this was happening there was no more embarrassment from it really. I was able to tell this story to a few close friends and all my family. It was too good not to share, and now I am sharing this with you.

In the season that I am going through now, there is a lot of things that remind me of this moment. I have to remind myself that I am not in control and there are things that I have to surrender even though I don’t want to. I am able to see through the crap and just allow it to happen, because there is a blessing in it all.  I have a great story to tell, maybe not one that everyone wants to hear but equally entertaining. I find myself smiling because I know that I’m almost “home,” in the sense that I know that this is just a season in my life and that I am growing from all of this.

Once, my focused changed to joy in a crappy situation I was able to see the “Shower,” and enjoy the little moments of fun and laughter with my family. I know that the season will change soon and things are going to be different and a little more mindful of what not to “eat.” and what NOT to eat. Well I hope this story gave you a little giggle, and maybe some insight… I still eat sopapillas  but only if I know I am close to the bathroom…

The power of letting go 

Phew!!! Even the title is a doozy. Letting go!! Gosh that’s so subjective but so powerful!!

This is a hard subject for anyone. I came across this graphic on Facebook. It resonated with me deeply.  It said something along the lines of If God closes the door don’t keep knocking on it. It made so much sense to me. He closed it for a reason. There’s nothing there for you anymore!! Move it along Sister!!

This quote came at the beginning of this season in my life. I sat on my couch and pondered as to WHY this resonated with me. At the time I was knocking on a door that was shut. I feel that sometimes we have to mourn those closed doors and then move along. I didn’t quite get that so many years before. I got it now. I now know my limit and that I will be just fine to walk away when those doors close. It all comes back to being obedient when God guides you to keep moving forward. 

That is so liberating right?! When you know that you have the skills and the discipline to walk away. Better yet you have the empowerment and the confidence to walk away when doors shut like that. It means it time to grow and change. It’s time for growth. It’s time to harvest. It’s time in any capacity to MOVE forward yall. 

Sure it’s going to be hard. Sure it’s going to be rocky in some points. Shoot it might be hard the whole dang time. But your blessing comes after. God doesn’t let you walk the journey alone. He is there the whole time. Just take his hand and allow Him to guide you through it all. He is so much bigger than the season you’re in. I promise you. 

Now that I think of it. How exciting is it to know that all the glory goes to Him and He blesses you. So I’m going to pray for y’all who read this. I pray that whatever you’re walking through right now that God stirs in your heart, and that you hold His hand as you walk through this time. That you see the joy in His eye that he has for you. That you feel joy in this walk good and bad that He is going to bless you. I pray that His perfect love washes all over you and that you know that He loves you so much that His son died so that YOU can live! 

Live y’all. Live in His name. Live life to the fullest. Do it with love and compassion. Do it because it brings you joy. Do what He intended you to do and stop knocking on those closed doors yall. Because He is right there is nothing back there that is going to help you grow. Plant good seed in your new soil and grow!! 

As for me, well, I’m going to do the best that I can to knock down the walls that want to confine. Not today boo boo!! I will live life as He intended for me. I know that I have moments of being stubborn. But I hear what’s calling and that I can do this. So I will make distance between me and that closed door. Yes I will. 

So let go of all the closed doors your knocking on. If it doesn’t feel right or you know it’s not good for you. Give yourself the permission to walk away. You don’t know what waits for you.