Sometimes Sorry is Enough

Sorry … Sometimes its a strong word, and sometimes its the weakest word. It all depends on the ears that are hearing those words. Sometimes saying sorry is all we can say. Saying sorry is sometimes the last thing you want to say. Hearing sorry is the only thing you want to hear or its the furthest from your mind.

So lately, there has been a lot of things going on in my life. To make this a little easier without throwing actual situations out there that could potentially hurt someones feelings. Lets just say there is a season change in my life, and its a hard winter for me.  You’ve been through worse Kristal. The good news is that I know that things will turn out the way they are supposed to, this is an adjustment period, this to shall pass, God is totally involved, I have fleshy moments, I have made mistakes, I am doing all that I can to not lose whats important to me. Which is my family.

God is working in my life in such a way that I have no choice but to lean on Him. Trust me I am glad too, because I know that I can’t do this alone. I feel alone at times because I don’t know where to go when its time. Meaning, I am trying to rush the situation because its uncomfortable. I’m working in my flesh. I am learning and practicing. This situation isn’t easy at all. I see whats happening and I am helpless to stop it. I have to force myself to step back because that is what is asked of me. I have to step back for myself as well, because the fire is just way to hot. This situation is happening for a reason. Cliche or not it is happening because things need to change. I feel that when we don’t listen to the guidance we are given, God either way is going to create and use the situation because the change needs to happen, and for a greater purpose than the actual “Right Now,” situation. Whatever is happening now is for a greater purpose for later on. 

Trust me, in my human mind it feels like everything around me is on fire and no matter where I turn I could get burned or is burning. That is for everyone that is involved. Everything is so delicate right now that the smallest things turn into huge flames. I am trying so hard. I don’t know how to handle the situation and I am not doing a very good job at it. I can admit that. I was told to stay out of it and yet I am still in it. I want to do right by everyone and I realized that I can not. So I lean on God and I want to pray but I feel that I have no where that is my own to do that with. In another words Kristal likes having her time with Jesus in private and in a special place. 

 The frustration wants to be invited in and I am making mistakes and can’t fix them. Sorry is just not enough in this moment. That is the feeling I have in my heart. It’s not enough and I wish it were. 

So how do I fix it from here? How do handle the emotional side of things? I feel that I can’t. It needs to come from upper management. #JesusTakeTheWheelMoment I know that it needs to come from Him and I need to get out-of-the-way. I need to get on my knees and just let it all out, but I still feel this guilt. This shame storm that was darted at me, and I am trying so hard to not allow it into my heart. I will fight for my life in that way because I know my worth in God’s eyes. I know that I will be fine out of this but going through the mountain isn’t easy for anyone. God knew that I was ready for this. God knows what He is doing.

Some days I feel like Peter. When Jesus asked him to come walk with him on the water. That moment of hesitation he had before taking that step onto the water. You know the trust factor. I know Jesus has me … my fleshy moments are saying that He doesn’t. All things that I have to talk to God about. You see I am answering my own questions as I write this out. I know that I am not the only person who is going through a season right now. I still need Jesus to hold my hand or to hold me while I just cry. ( He will do that you know) I am not graduated yet to walking on water. Or maybe it’s because I don’t trust myself to actually take the first step to get there. How can things change if I am not ready to walk on that water? Good question Kristal, why don’t you talk to Jesus about it?

I know I know I know… I almost feel that I am being disobedient by not getting out-of-the-way.  Because you are being a little poopy about the whole thing Kristal. I got this! I know what I need to do. I need to step out-of-the-way. And staying out of the way and allow things to happen the way God intended things to be and let Him clear up the mess that the enemy created.

 God is so faithful y’all. He loves us a lot.  He is so patient with me, and all of us. I am happy that I am reminded that I need to forgive often, be slow to speak and quick to listen, follow the wise, discern all the time, follow The Word, talk to Him often, ask for forgiveness and let love rule. Make good solid foundations and boundaries and lay all the good and the bad at His feet. He knows everyone’s heart and where they are going to go.

I have to remember that the battle is already won, I need to get out-of-the-way. Sorry may not be enough for all situations but the point is that I know I have made mistakes. I am sorry for those mistakes. I know that I don’t hold shame with those mistakes because that is exactly what they are. Mistakes. Whether or not that apology is accepted that is on that person that it is said to, but I know in my heart that I did all that I could at the time. It wasn’t done to be mean or malicious but to help. And to know and be mindful that not everyone wants or needs your help. I know that things will be fine and worked out the way they are meant to.

Sorry in many ways takes the pain off of someone. Just to hear those words, ” I’m Sorry,” can mean the world to someone. To take the accountability that you made that mistake and said sorry.  I know that for me its hard to accept the apology the first time because I am soooo in the moment of the pain. Deep down that sorry means everything to me. I know that I need to get passed my own self righteousness and be vulnerable in front of that person. This is something that I am learning to do more often. To trust that person not to hurt me anymore at that moment and accept them and their vulnerability. #GrowingPains

Sorry is very powerful, I suppose it depends on how you respond to it. I chose to be okay with my mistakes and chose to forgive myself and others. Learning to say sorry to the people who need to hear it from you. #RunOnSentencesAreInNow

I don’t know how this will help anyone but I do like that I was able to vent a little and work out my issue here. Words or even writing about somethings helps me a lot. Sure, I could journal it but I feel that it might help someone else. Maybe… or maybe it can just be this funny story how I had to rant about a Vague situation for me to get a dang clue. I mean crap a doodles…. The sign was there the whole time smacking me in the face and I am asking where is it!  Liiike hello!! I am only human… you are human…  and I need to commit to a blog post… I have a long draft list going on…

 

Be good to each other especially in times that are hard. You don’t know the struggle they are going through and they don’t know the struggle you are going through. Be slow to speak and quick to listen. Love each other and forgive often. I know that my situation is in God’s hands. He knows my heart and the hearts of others. The battle is already won. Put God first and you’ll never be last.

Chapter 12 Just One of Those Days…

Today was just one of those days where nothing and everything just seems not together. I would normally call these days ” character building,” days but I don’t think that would suit today. There wasn’t really anything to really build except … maybe.. Not to take things so serious all the time. Maybe even to take a page out of my own book and not make it about me but rather that something or someone is in need of what I am going through in the moment.

So I have been having nightmares the last couple of nights. I know now that is a way for the enemy to try to get a foothold on something, But somewhere in that dream there was a nugget of hope and a way out. I will spare you the details of the dream but it was in a movie theater, with  old wooden floors and I was talking to someone then went to the bathroom, then it went off into something else. That was the nugget. So I know that it has something to do with getting rid of something. So I will do my part in getting rid of that whatever it is, but here is where I know that I am struggling a little bit.

I can normally hear where I am supposed to go, but since I haven’t been sleeping well the enemy uses that to create confusion. Father doesn’t do confusion. Enemy …0 Father … a boat load more numbers… Kristal actually and finally seeing discernment A++. Good Job Kristal… any who… So when I woke this morning, it was chaos from the get go. Not once did I think to just have a quick ” Hey Father, Good morning, Thank you for waking me up today, I love you and this day is yours, what would you like me to do with it? Oh and by the way I am having these crazy dreams, Holy Spirit do you think you can help me out with that?” But NOOOOOO I choose to moan about not feeling well and crawling into back into my bed and sleeping another three hours.

I was really grateful to wake up less icky than the previous time I woke up. I was ready to start the day. It was late I was rueful about that but I was up and moving… ish. I do my usual, tend to the dogs, start the coffee, look in the fridge and not get anything to eat but grab the creamer for that coffee. Priorties you know! I Look at the massive pile of things on my kitchen table, roll my eyes, get my coffee fixed up and back to my bedroom I go. I am trying to find all these excuses to not do anything with my day except when I need to. I know I have appointments and meetings today but I can procrastinate… Right??

Once I was perched on my bed I started to fidget with my nose, figured now would be a good time to tighten my nose ring… wait… there is something wrong…. The top part is there …. where is the post that goes inside my nose!?? I couldn’t feel it… I started going through mental talks of ” DON’T Suck up through your nose…. DON’T you do it!!” Mindfulness is super helpful…. BTW’s… So I blow my nose instead of sucking up my clogged nose… Sure enough there is the post in the tissue! Panic… and relief all at the same time.

As excited I am to find the post, but there is one problem… How the heck is this going back in? My fat phalanges can’t fit in my tiny nostril? I like to think that I am creative… I need tape as a third hand … then I can find this tiny hole on the inside of my nose… yeah .. totally makes sense. I dig through my room and find that super crazy double-sided tape… “This will work.” I told myself confidently as I am holding the post the opposite end in my nose. I really don’t want it to close. This actually means something to me and I really like the piercing. So I sit in front of my magnifying mirror and started to get to work. I was so determined to get this back in on my own. The next thing I know… My phone is blowing up. It’s all my awesome Ysisters with work … I thought for sure that I can tell them what’s going on, maybe they will have some words of wisdom. Nope instead it turned into how we can market this incident, and I loved it. I couldn’t stop laughing, my nose is starting to hurt. So my best friend with all her wisdom was kind enough to tell me the things I need to do in the future. My husband is now texting me, and I am hyper focused on getting this in. I ask about his day and he got a lot accomplished.

I throw in the towel after a good twenty miuntes of hard work. I have to make a thirty minute trip to have the professionals take over. I felt like a total noob! My bestie and hubs got a good giggle. I think… okay maybe annoyed. As I embark on my journey to a nearby city… I am talking with Father. I know that He has a plan for today and realize that it’s not about me today. Not that I am saying that I am the focus any other day, but I was thanking Him for allowing me the opportunity to get out of the house and be out doing stuff. I also know that whatever this is about isn’t going to be about me and that I am going to touch a life today. Even if it’s because I am getting my nose ring put back in. I laughed to myself thinking how silly this all was. I did have other plans to NOT do anything with my day. I am grateful that didn’t happen.

I enjoyed the drive and when I arrived and waited my turn for the professional to fix my issue at hand. Once it was my turn… I was explaining what I didn’t accomplish and the only thing I did manage to do was cause swelling on my nose. Mind you I have a Ear, Nose and Throat appointment in a couple of hours from this moment. He attempts to put it in , and while we were talking about life in general, he breaks the post. Good thing he is prepared and has backups. So he put the new one in, and the jewel doesn’t fit. I laughed again.. because I see what the enemy is trying to do, but I won’t allow such negative vibes.This was just meant to happen. So we come up with a plan, get new jewelry, and finally he gets it in. He also made the post the same color as my jewel. I am one happy camper. Oh and it pretty much is Kristal proof. It doesn’t need to be tightened. It is snapped into place. I will have to go to him to get new jewelry and I am happy about that.

So here is the cool part. As we were talking he started opening up to me about his kids and what he is going through. I listened as he told me what one of his kids is putting them through. He was telling me the stress that he and his family is going through and what his child is going through. Thinking about it now I could have prayed over him, but I didn’t think of it then. I think that maybe he just needed someone to listen. Sometimes that is all that people need. I was happy to do that and give him some new tools to work with. Like tracking … Haha and how easy it is to do through the phones. The look and relief on his face it almost looked like hope to me. I felt accomplished.

I didn’t make it back in time for my meeting and I felt bad for that because I forgot to tell that wonderful person that once again we have to reschedule. The way I see it though… Father has perfect timing in everything. I was able to make it home to get my things for my appointment and talk to another friend who just needed someone to listen. My husband met up with me for my appointment. We shared a few laughs about our day then it was my turn to go back into the room. As I walked in I was intimated by all the tools laying out. I did wonder if those were all going to used on me. As I was talking with the nurse the doctor came in and smiled, she didn’t even look back ” We’re not done yet.” “Yes I know, I just heard that it was intimating.” He beamed looking at me and it made me that much more nervous but kind of excited as well. My blood pressure was elevated because of it all.

As my husband talks about what his experiences with all these tools, he put me at ease. The doc came in and he looked excited. haha. Kind of threw me for a loop, but I rather have a doctor with a sense of humor. He took a look inside my nose and it was the same thing I have heard most of my life. I’m clogged and my nose looks unhappy, and my ears are clogged as well. I explained to him the last time my ears were cleaned I was like 12 while in Dallas. And when they were done it looked like a core sample. He laughed. He made me smell the numbing agent and I asked if I was going to throw up. He said “No, but you would be my first if you did.” So I huffed the whatever it was, that is a new sensation. I suggest you get it done, just to say you did it. Then it hit me right in the back of the throat! GROSS!! I gagged a little. All he could say ” Oh. You tasted it!” Yeahhhh!! That is what I meant by ” Am I going to throw up!” It passed after a few moment and breathing felt weird or lack there of. So while we were waiting for my nose to get numb he started checking out my ears.

He got his little vacuum thing going, I started talking because I am nervous. I was telling him that before I got it done the last time I had pretty good hearing but when they were done, I had super sonic hearing. The last thing I heard was maybe I was the secret member of the Avengers. This guy is funny is what I thought of as I hear the non movement of what wax isn’t coming out. He also made a comment about me maybe using Q-tips to clean my ears. I simply said, ” I don’t use them to clean my ears but to scratch my ears.” ” Better than a key.” he quipped. Touche Doc… So now I have to deal with my ears again. That will be nice to have them be like normal people ears. My canals are that of a small animal. He took core samples from my face as well, and I was on my way after I got a laundry of To-Do’s and some samples. I was excited to get those samples!! A full size of one of those samples is $200.00 because the insurance doesn’t cover it. Thanks big pharma… Not Cool.

Came home after a nice dinner, played some cards with my family. Picked up one of my kiddos from a sporting event and it was a blessing. The whole day was a great day. I got to meet new faces, spend time with my favorite peeps, got to get organized for the next day, and talk with my Ysisters. I feel that I may have impacted some people today and spoke life into them. I realize that Father had better plans for me than laying in bed watching Netflix. I am so grateful for that. I would have missed out on a great day. I got to talk to some people who I haven’t talked to in a long while and that feels amazing. I like that I am finally starting feel better about making new friends, sustaining my current friends, getting out of my house and talking to strangers. Something I wouldn’t have done a year ago! Things I am still learning is to talk to Father in times that I know are going to be impactful to see where He wants me to go with the conversation.

Once I am done here, I will sit down and have a conversation with all of Them again. We can choose to speak life into people or death. I rather speak into life into people even though they may not feel that way towards me, because we don’t know what they are going through. Besides, I am in a much better place to know what to breathe in or not to,as far as words go that is. I couldn’t have done that without all the people who Father has sent into my life to speak life into me and help do Fathers work through them. For that I am grateful and wish to do the same to others. Lastly, tighten your nose ring. Love each other, Laugh a little, speak life into your fellow-man. Thanks again guys.