Be the woman that you want others to have in their life….. Damn… what a statement to myself. This is a huge thing for me. I always feel that I am undeserving of great things in life. I still have this fear that the other shoe will drop if I step outside of my safe box. That is the dumb for me to do!! I missing out on so much life. I have spent too time much dreaming and staying in my own prison when I am not meant to be there.
God healed me from all these things, and He often reminds me that I am not alone and that I am here for a greater purpose. I need to stop interfering in his job. Recently, I was able to go on a road trip with some great people. I learned a lot about the women I went on this trip with but I learned the most from myself. I learned that life is possible and the things that I want to do are POSSIBLE!
I can’t focus on the things that I can’t change and focus on the things that matter to me and work my ass off to get them. I need to stop working my ass off for people that don’t really care. I know that I am here to help others but first I need to help myself through this season. Sure things get wonky but God has been there for me every step of the way. I have selfishly put everyone before myself yet again, and I got wrapped into something that wasn’t meant for me to go through at all because I got in the way. So I forgive myself on not allowing myself to really start life…. in this season.
I tried to explain where I am coming from to my family over the weekend and they looked at my like I was nuts… But I feel like through my time in recovery I went from being a infant into an adolescent and then into my life as an adult. I can’t explain the way my brain processed what I meant in that moment: Other than I had a new awakening. I realized that what “normal” people go through and know what they are suppose to do in this life… or what they want to do. I never had that moment until it was kinda forced onto me… because obviously I wasn’t ” Getting” it when it was presented to me before. The fact is… I need to get started on something important in life… More than what I have been doing.
Let me get this out of the way, even though I have been feeling lazy in life, I really haven’t. While most people were going to school, living a single life, figuring out life in a “hands on” kind of way, I was raising babies, getting married and figuring all that out, getting divorced and going through a custody battle way before most people my age graduated with their first degree. I was living a life that some are just doing now. So things are flipped for me, I am almost done with raising babies. My oldest will be graduating high school next year, the next will be a year behind her, and 3 years after that.. so I get to live a much different way than some of the people in my age group. To be honest my hat goes off to them, They did things the way I wish I could of. But its all about choices… because trying to go to school with a child and really no help is almost impossible.Some have done it and high five to you. It wasn’t in my cards. My hands on training in life was different. I know that I want to go back to school even though I will be that old person in class I don’t care… I want to finish school damnit. I want to do a lot of things in this life I want to be able to impact someones life for the better. I want to be able to say that through the work that God sets out for me that people are enriched.
I want to be able to experience going to different places in the world and experiences cultures. I want to be able to say that I have done this with people who are like minded. I want to be able to have real friends and not to be afraid of using my voice to speak life and to make boundaries, or to rid of the people or things that have no business being in my life. I don’t want to continue to compare my life to others, because just like me they and myself don’t know the real story behind the closed doors of others. I can however take a page from their book and learn something from them but not compare successes.
That is by far, the hardest lessons to act on, But when He tells you to move, you better move. When He says speak you speak. When He gives any commandment do it. We all hesitate to do these things because there is a real feeling of fear and rejection. I know that is what I feel when I am presented with these things myself. The times that I didn’t act there were things that happened that I certainly didn’t like. One of those ” A ha” moments came to me over the last few weeks and it was amazing to see things from a new fresh way. I was doing things for people that wouldn’t even think to do things like that for me. My business was suffering because I was thinking that I didn’t deserve to be a self sufficient business owner. Or people in my life are actually wanting to be a part of it and I shut them out because I overly trusted the wrong people in my life. I was believing lies that weren’t true.
I was watching others grow and I was there wishing that I possessed those skills to tell the wrong people in my life to piss off but in a much nicer way, but it also turns out that you sometimes need to be rough with others to remove them out of your life. The point is that I needed to move out of the complacent place in my life. Its time to move. The momentary emotions will pass but there is something bigger waiting for me past this moment. Its not my job to stay in one place. That is one thing that I love about myself, is that I accept the movement forward. I am still working on the emotional part. I know that we are not to stay in one place in our lives, we are called to do things and its our duty to live in that. I know that this moment for me is the hardest lesson is to not be fearful when saying goodbye to certain people in my life. God is making room for others to come in, not only for me to pour into them but for them to pour into me. God is my biggest fan… I do things for Him.
Right now, what does that look like for me? Well that means that I need to move forward. Allow the people that are not to be in my life at the moment to leave and make their exit. Allow myself to feel excited about the next move. Allow myself to put pen to paper make my plan and make it happen with His guidance. Allow myself to be hated or disliked, because we all know that is something that I have been getting used to lately in this season. I am living proof that no one has died from being unpopular or lied about etc. I am still here and standing because I leaned on His understanding and kept my faith through it all. To allow myself to accept the blessing that have come and yet to come. Blessings look much different than what we assume blessings are at times. That has been my experience. Allow myself to smile. Allow myself to not solve everyones problems. Allow myself to have fun and not be so uptight. Allow myself to take a small moment for myself. Allow myself to just be in the moment. Allow myself to be coachable but not gullible. Allow myself to be humble but not a doormat. Allow myself a life worth living and see and experience things. Allow myself to accept successes in life. Allow myself to let things go and grow in a new way. Allow myself to love all of me, and work my ass off for the right and wise reasons.
Life is really short… and even though struggle with some things in life that others around me may not doesn’t mean that I am not deserving of some good. We all do, it just looks different to all of us. I am done with this phase and really grateful that I am walking out of this season wiser. I am going to let my freak flag fly…. haha and I accept that you may not accept me for me but I accept me.
Its time I walk out of my own shadow. Who is coming with me? I would like to hear your stories and feedback.