When One Door Closes… Well You Know the Rest

Well the seasons are in full swing of change. For the last nine in a half months I have been shaken, bent, twirled, turned up side down, beat down, and other description words that are in connotation of character building seasons. The enemy even tried to uproot my faith, boy did he mess with the wrong follower of Christ Jesus. I think he forgets that Christ already defeated him and that HE has given me the authority to cast out Satans crazy. #NotTodayDevil

So lets recap.

My children hit a season of crisis. My daughters abuser is sentenced. Daughter goes to get the treatment that she needs in order to learn how to cope and manage with said trauma. Friend ends up getting arrested for a crime on the same day daughter goes to treatment. Other daughter ends up leaving to live with her Biological Mother. Weird friend who claims he was trained from Santa Claus for the Name of Jesus. #WhatInTheWorld. Personal business hits rock bottom. Friendships lost. Money problems hit the fan. Car breaks down times two. Sleepless nights. Those are the highlights for the most part. I love you all but some of the things are to be private. Haha

When this door to that season cracked open… wait.. it burst right open!! From the moment I was leaving for my trip to New Orleans. Literally fifteen minutes!! My sweet Buttons (My SUV) was stolen by one of the kids. All my friends that were in the car just waited to see what I was going to do. The opening of questions came. I can laugh about it now but then I knew they were like ” Uhmmm Kristal what are you going to do?” Two of the gals that have known me a long time we’re just kind of laughing because they know how I am. They knew that my children would be having a coming to Jesus moment with me. But I needed to keep time of travel and we were set back thirty minutes. If you don’t know I am a time person. TIME TIME TIME. Gotta hit that time window just right lol. Anyway, then while I was in New Orleans I saw a new side of some friends I have never seen before. Like ever. So my eyes were opening to something that was going to happen in very soon weeks at this point. I had no stinkin idea what was about to hit me. NONE what so ever. #BoutToCrashIntoABrickWallPeeps

When I say that one event happened after another I mean that. One right after another. Sometimes within the same hour! But let me tell you something. Although, all these events were happening God was 100% in the middle of everything doing some major heavenly heavy lifting. I made some mistakes along the way. The one thing that saved me from the get go was the following.

On one of the days that two major events happened in the same day, within two hours from one another. When I got home. I didn’t really talk to anyone. I walked to my room, closed the door sobbing and absolutely feeling broken. I grabbed my Bible and opened it to Proverbs. I knew that through all the tears what was happening supernaturally and The Holy Spirit was able to set me up for success by the simple action of making the choice to open my #BIBLE. Amen!! All the answers that I needed where in my life manual. Every single feeling I was having and how to calm the storm was right there in my Bible. Everyday, sometimes for hours I was completely engulfed in The Word.

I needed to know if how I was managing the situation with my children in a Godly way, and what He deems as such. I mean everything I needed answered or needed wisdom and guidance on was all there. Then how to move through this fire place. All was answered.

It was the first time in my life I made the conscious choice to talk to God first before saying or doing anything. I was in a state of full firey darts flinging at me at all sides. The one thing I knew I had front get go was my faith. #Faith yes!! My faith is so deeply rooted and what was spoken and shown to me was this tree. This tree was deeply rooted, and full of branches and some green for leaves. This tree was being pruned, and shaken. Anything that fell from that tree wasn’t suppose to be there. Some of those branches that were cut were hard but surrendering the sculptor to do what He needed to do to get the tree just as He needed to be. I was shown that no matter the storm, no matter how many leaves or branches came off that tree, That tree would only sway in the storm winds. It would only be slightly bruised, and dinged up but the tree won’t break!

I didn’t freak out, I stayed calm and knew that I was going to be okay. Mentally, physically, and spiritually I was going to be just fine. I accepted this truth and put on my figurative knee high boots because these storms waters were about to get really high before the storm recedes. I also knew that the blessing was going to come after the storm. I just had to obey, dig deep, lean on Him, seek His face, and hold on. I hold on for dear life.

I dug deeper in my prayer life. I asked God to plant the right people in my path that He wants for me. I confessed. I forgave and will always forgive as often as they all come. I asked for forgiveness from Him. So as I continue in all His blessings He has given to me in this stormy time of my life, I just want to say how grateful I am of His faithful relentless love He has for me. How is protects me. He absolutely loves me to bits. It’s mind blowing.

So during this time… Our SUV’s breakdown and or about too. Robert is out there in the driveway kicking his car, throwing things and yelling at it as if that is going to fix it. Haha I calmly walked away and applied for a loan. I have never applied for a loan much less bought a new car before. I was so scared. I wanted to fix the problem and He knew of this great need at this moment in our lives. I applied for the loan and within seconds we were approved. Now I have to tell Robert the news. I knew it wasn’t going to go over very well. The money was already in my account. I was going to buy that man a new truck that day whether he liked it or not. When I told him, just like I expected he freaked out with a thousand other questions. At this point I filled with joy and laughter to be honest. because He knows the needs, I dont have any doubt what so ever that we find the right truck for his need. And sure enough. I was lead to a website, found the truck and its sale price was lower than what the loan was for, surely that was for a reason. Robert doesn’t believe it. I call the dealership and they are shocked that I called about that particular truck because it was literally dropped off and into their inventory within that hour, and it was currently being inspected. I told them that I was buying that truck today and I would be there within a hour. Robert couldn’t believe what was happening. I’m not going to lie but he was reminding me of Doubting Thomas. Still I knew exactly what was happening. God was at work here. When we got to the dealership, we went to the back to see the truck. Rob was all in that trucks business because surely this is too good to be true. This truck even has the side tool boxes and other storage spots. Y’all it even has air conditioning. Something either of the cars had. That in itself is a blessing. So Robert is happy and praising me on such a good job. Silly man that was all GOD!! On a side note, just before we got there my beloved Buttons knew what was happening. I was trading her in for this gift. Do you remember the meme of where Jesus is asking the little girl for the teddy bear while concealing the bigger teddy bear behind his back? And she tells Jesus ” But I love it.” It was kind of like that. I loved Buttons and all her quirky ways. Right at the light across the street from the dealership she dies in the intersection. I speak loving words over her and she starts right up and we reach the destination safely. I tell her all the good she has done for me and family. She was about to get a face lift and go to another family and that is where she will bring them joy too.

Robert picks out new shoes for his truck and a couple of hours later we have signed papers and keys in hand. Now, we emptied all of the contents of Buttons. Or so I thought. So my daughters competitions gymnastic Leo’s were in there still. I even asked the guys if they got everything. Of course they said yes. Long story short, after a few phone calls and a very disappointed daughter, I got a phone saying that they were able to find the bag of Leo’s and we can pick them up. So don’t tell that isn’t God’s work. And excellent customer service!!

So here is another blessing. After some time away from my church family. I was able to have a meeting with my Lady Pastor. We sat down and had a heart to heart about somethings and we were able to hear each other’s out and where things were at that time. In same time my daughter was still rocky but she needed a church family to be in her life as well. So we started going to church again. My home church. It felt so nice. The enemy was telling me bad things before church that first morning going back. It was so nice to get in the car and drive there that morning. I worshiped with my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. My empty cup was being filled. My very own revival is being restored. #ThankYouJesus My daughter ending up coming up with me the next time. She would wear her earbuds while in church in defiance. That was until God spoke to her directly. Our Pastor was delivering his message that morning something amazing happened. He mentioned a song Unanswered Prayers by Garth Brooks. My daughter is slapping my arm, and I turned to her and right when he was talking about that song that very started playing on her phone!! She dedicated herself to church from that moment on. She stays involved her in youth group. The stirring of God within her is a blessing not only to her but to me as her mother. She recently was baptized in front of our entire church family. #Blessed #NewSisterInChristJesus

Now for me, I have always wanted to be a part of my church family and serve in the way God wants me too. I have had a habit of running towards goals instead of walking with Jesus and his pace. So He would remind to walk, to trust in his work and what he was planning. I absolutely love the ladies in my church and as I dove into the very first Bible study with them, I have gotten the privilege of getting to know these wonderful women. The study was amazing. Then we started the last Bible study for the season, and I was so honored when I was asked to close out the session in prayer. That was a huge thing for me. I felt so humbled and honor from that moment. I was able to help in the upcoming events that the church was doing. I feel like I am serving right where God wants me to.

I love my church. I love serving in new fresh ways. It has been a huge blessing. In spite of all the crazy things that have happened and will happen. I have learned valuable lessons that God presented to me when the storm was all around me. He used the attack that was on me and my family and worked it for His Glory and he worked it out for good. I was able to stand firm against opposing opinions, I was able to stand firm in my faith, I was able to stand in my weakness because He made me strong. He makes me strong. I have a new fresh start at something, new growth on those branches.

There are other things that He has taught me that I have a subject about at a later date. There was a time where I was trying to fix a situation and I was reminded to get out the way and let God do his thing because I wasn’t called to fix anything or anyone. So in that time as you found out last week that I applied for a job. I wasn’t sure at first because of the feeling I was having about it. Today I finished part of training for that job, but the momentum of this new thing that is happening is pushing me in a new way. IF you haven’t figured out yet, once I have tunnel vision on something there is no stopping this train of awesome called ME.

I love how God has used these situations for my good. Seriously, things that I doubted about myself. When I was rejected, opposed, judged, alone, scared and so many other things. He showed me that I was truly in fact accepted, that I wasn’t wrong and I was wiser, I wasn’t alone and that I was fully dependent on God. And with God with me under his protection, I was no longer scared and I was safe. I am embracing this new growth and seeing where it will take me. I have embraced this walk as a learning thing, and grew that much more in my faith.

If you are going through something right now, I encourage you to hold on. The blessing is coming. Just keep holding on. Don’t let go dear one. Don’t let go. Open your Bible and seek the answers. Prayer hard and boldly. Lean on His understanding and not your own. Take care of yourself. Take the time to see the blessings in the storm. Don’t focus on the bad that is happening focus on the new growth that is taking place. Look at it as an opportunity of learning something new about you and your situation. Hope. Faith. Love. Surrender it all to God. He’s got you. You’re loved, you are able, you are amazing, you’re stronger than you believe, You’re stronger with Him than alone, and you matter. You are valued, you are forgiven.

Side note… about a month or so ago I received a phone call from my Mom and Step Dad bought me a car. God knows your needs and He will provide!! When we bought the truck it was for Robert so we were down a car. Talk about blessings from Him. I’m grateful for my parents and all that they have done for me. They are so incredibly loved by me. God knows. #ThanksFather #ThankYouParents

Take care..

Kris

Advertisements

Hey there… It’s been awhile.

It’s been awhile since I have written. It tends to happen when something big happens in life. In my life that is. I have to process things and spend a lot of time with Jesus. It’s a process of what ifs and why’s and then a lot of forgiveness. So what have I been up to since the last time I have written you ask?

After the sentencing hearing, I had spend a lot in time in prayer. Seeking answers and actual direction of where I am to go next with the knowledge that I have gotten. This new fresh wave of information of how fallen the world really is. How there is so many broken people in this world. Just because I am Christian doesn’t mean that I am perfect or anything, it means that I rely on Jesus to walk me through my issues. I have plenty of things that need to be worked on too. That included the brokenness that I had that day I walked out of that court house. But there was something great that happened in all that processing work, I forgave. I didn’t lean on my own understanding of the situation, but instead trust God that he is working it out for the good. I also started working on bringing some awareness of the dangers our children face in this fast world that we all live in. I had to let go of some controlling things about me trying to protect and reel in that passion a little. I can’t come guns a blazin on a soap box. That isn’t good ya know. I had to take personal inventory of where I was emotionally, mentally, spiritually and whether I am taking care of myself too in all this.

I leaned on the Word, Church and my church family, my friends and family through that time. My passion for bringing awareness won’t ever stop, I just needed to find a better approach to bring awareness. I want to help educate parents and be a soundboard of support. The same way so many others were there for me.

Another thing that happened while I have been absent was a great Bible study by Beth Moore, The Patriarchs. Wow, talk about being filled. I have a hunger as it is already for the Word but to go into such depth was so good. I have the most wonderful opportunity to meet new women at the study and get to know them. I’m so incredibly grateful for those moments and the moments to come with these ladies. They are my tribe. Not to mention the new friendships that I have been so blessed to have currently. I mean seriously awesome Women. They have been so there for me in a real honest way and so welcoming and some have been so impactful in my life and didn’t even know it. So here is a small shout out to some of those women. Dee, Tara, Ramie, Julie, Melanie, Lanessa and Lindsay. You ladies inspire me, motivate me, edify me, teach me, pray with me and for me, support me. I respect you and admire you and love watching all the great things that God has done for you, and all the great works you’ve done and called to do. Seriously amazing women. I’m super grateful that God chose y’all to do life with in some way or another.

Of course I’m still very much going through a difficult season but I try not to focus on all the negative, instead I focus on the work that He is doing within me. The stretch and squeeze to be a better person. I welcome these moments because I know that he is with me and walking with me through this very tough time. There is nothing easy about this walk, but I seek His face in these times. I have faced fear so many times since August, and it still doesn’t feel easy doing it. Because each time I have faced fear it has come in a new way. I know that God is working this out for my good however that looks like. He knows what is best for me and I don’t dare take that from him. Instead, I welcome the teaching moment. For instance, talking in open court was so scary, and allowing the words come out of my mouth was so incredibly hard. Or watching my daughter falling a part and feeling incredibly helpless in those moments and not knowing where to go with those emotions for myself. Or watching a close friend of mine being arrested and watching relationships fall completely a part and being judged myself alone for being a friend to this person. Or only having $40 to put food on the table. Or being blamed for things I have no part in whatsoever. Not once did I blame someone for what I was going through. Instead, I opened my Bible, my life manual. I literally searched high and low for comfort and instruction. I got it too. I trust God in all areas of my life. And I mean everything. Even through my tears of doubt, sadness, frustration, helplessness, I mean you name it. I have encountered every stinking emotion through this season, and still do at times. But the one thing that was given to me every time, was that I was not to be afraid. He was doing a great big pruning in my life and still doing so. I mean I have questioned myself on every bad thing I have ever done right down to stealing my favorite candy bar when I was six years old. And when I was praying about stuff and I am pretty sure I didn’t leave room to listen a few times, but He always finds a way to get to you doesn’t he? He will leave the 99 to find you boo boo. “Trust God and do good,” was a great reminder as I watching Joyce Meyers on the YouTube. So simple and yet so profound. And that was an answer I needed to hear right in that moment.

The one thing I can say is this, through all parts of my life and all seasons, I will always rely on Him.

I have been diving into the new book by Christine Caine called Unexpected. And let me tell you …. this book is so right on. She talks about #EmbracingTheUnexpected. Because of course the unexpected is coming!

She talks about her own story and the overcoming of hardships in her life, and there are other people in the book that share their stories of how God has been sooo in the middle of the pain, chaos, sadness, I mean you name it. Fear, I mean the list goes on and on of all the crazy emotional roads we can go on, but more importantly how God was totally in the middle and working things out for their good. Anticipating the unexpected and trusting in God in all of it, really releases a new kind of management in the situation. We dont have to rely on ourselves to get through the situation. We have to do work of course through those moments but God does all the heavy lifting. What is super amazing is that He knew it was coming and knows the end result. The victory is already won, the path was already made straight, He knew all the players and how it was going to turn out. You’re job is to hold on tight, scoot close, press into, TRUST HIM as he stands with you, walks with you, and delivers you out of the situation. Even when you encounter a situation that is NOT Gods doing He WILL give you an exit out of the situation, and still use that situation for something great and good. HOW wonderful is HE!! I mean seriously. He is AWESOME!

There are so many times that I wish I could share in detail of what I am going through so that maybe someone would understand how He has gotten me through so much and still does. Like I keep telling myself this season will be over soon, It’s coming to end and then something else happens. Now I just giggle and accept and dig in and on the days that its not so easy to giggle I seek Him first. I used to be afraid to ask for God’s mercy, but he knows my heart better than I do. He knows exactly what I can handle, and He makes me strong in my weaknesses. He has a purpose for me and my life. He knows what I am doing, and He knows where I am going.

I have been blessed in that a couple of years ago, before my deliverance was complete, I asked Him to show me a glimpse of what my future was. I will never forget what He showed me that day. But I did, but not in the way that you may think.

Genesis 12:1-3 is where God was telling Abram (Abraham) of a promise. He told Abram that he would become a great nation. That is the short end of it. Even through all that Abraham gone through there were times where fear was very much there too. At times there were moments that they would forget that God has given them their promise when in the midst of the chaos, then they would remember and have an Oh yeah moment.

This is so relatable to me because I have been blessed in that God showed me my promise and I forgotten that when I was knee deep in yuckiness in this season. And the more I got to know Gods Word I felt more at ease because He already showed me where I was going to be, but I still have to go through things. I have learn what He wants me to learn. I still have to trust in Him in all ways good and bad and all things in between. There are even things that I have had to accept radically and trust that it was the right thing. I have had to learn that I don’t need to take everything on personally, that some journeys are for that other person to go through and its not my place to fix it. Or when I was called to help someone I was scared to help. Learning balance and making that active in my life. To fully step into my calling and declare it. He didn’t ask for my qualifications, He asked me to trust.

For instance, I am a writer. I know that I have a lot of work I need to do to be a better one, but I was called to write. I can’t tell you how many times that writing has come up in my life. The first real writing I started doing was when I was twelve on a vacation to Jamaica. I have been writing since. Not only that, I talk all the time. I have to be mindful to not talk so much. My first words were shut up, so from the very beginning I was different and meant to be so. I am not sure how God is going to use that but I know he will. #KristalTalksTooMuch I was called to be this way. I am more comfortable in my skin today than I have ever been. That’s because of Him and trusting. But I wasn’t given these gifts to stay quiet about them. I haven’t been comfortable talking about myself as a writer until recent times. There is a reason for that. I was afraid of being judged and rejected. And through this season I have been rejected a lot and judged, but God was there for me and made me strong. He showed me that I am stronger with Him and in fact that I don’t always have to be liked to be accepted because my anchor isn’t in their opinions and rejections. My anchor is in Christ.

I choose not to doubt myself anymore. I choose to believe. I choose to move forward and not stay stuck like the enemy wants me too. I choose to believe that God is going to use my uniqueness for good because He is good. I choose to believe that God loves all of me. I choose Him.

May you experience the Love of Christ, then you’ll be made complete with all the fullness of Life” Ephesians 3:19

He is life. He is love. He is I Am.

My Christmas Card 2017

Merry Christmas everyone. We are just 9 days and some change away from 2018. I know! I can’t believe it either. I feel like the year started with a new beginning of a year of change. Yes the year of change. The year of growth. I know for me it has felt that way. My 2017 year started with quite a wake up call for me as a mother. I was given a load to carry and to see it through. That was my assignment. It was the start of many hard loads to carry. I knew I had to speak up for the one for the many. Due to its nature I can’t yet speak about it. But it is definitely something that I will tackle when I am told that I can. It was a situation where I was on the outside looking in, like ” This happens to other people, and now I know what other people feel like.” It was scary at first, but I overcame the fear of opening my mouth and saying something about it. I look forward to sharing that experience with you all in the future.

Then my daughter and step daughter came to live with us full time. We went from being an empty nest to having company. It was an exciting time for everyone. We were all getting to know each other and how things work in my house. Rules, boundaries, limitations and expectations. For awhile it worked like well oiled machine. Everyone knew what they needed to do and when. Then a quick shift happened. And that is when the new assignment came… survive! Hahaha. I have three teens and two pre-teens. I am a full believer in it takes a village to raise kids. If I had to go through this alone I might end up back in rehab. I’m joking. There are some moments where I wasn’t sure if I was going to make it. I have learned a lot from my two teen daughters. Adolescents are toddlers with hormones. I mean that with all sincerity in my heart, but dang!! I learned that I really have to rely on Him all the time, otherwise, things might have gotten worse. But He doesn’t give us more than what we can carry right?! (John 16:12 NIV) He is pretty mindful of what you can carry, and He is able to help you grow through the rough stuff because He walks with us in all situations. I had referenced to the book of Proverbs a lot. To ensure that I am doing all that I can and I am being a good mom regardless how many times I was told otherwise. Which was a lot!! But I stayed within my faith first, and worked through it in confidence that I was doing the wise thing. I was super unpopular within these four walls, but in my heart I was okay with that. Teens in this day and age have a lot of new things thrown at them; much different than even seventeen short years ago. I so badly want to talk about everything that has happened, but what I can tell you is, It was a lot of darts at my back, my home, my kids right down to the dogs. It is a lot calmer, but nowhere close to being calm or peaceful. Having teen daughters so close in age is HARD!!! Like you need to be expert level in parenting. Especially since both girls have grown worlds a part. There is a lot of people affected, and we all have to work together in our own to make something work. I trust in my faith that we will work through it and we will survive. It takes a lot of work to keep the peace. A lot of letting go of certain things, and a large village. Unfortunately, there is still a lot of separation, but I feel that is temporary. God is working in everyone in their own ways. I learned to talk to others about what’s going on. Community is so important. I learned not to “Throw in the towel.” thanks Mom I learned how to step back when and where I needed too. Not an easy lesson to learn. I also had to learn was am I doing this for myself or for them. Was I wanting credit for knowing everything or was I maybe insulting the other adults in the same situation as me? It made realize that I need to really put myself in check at times, and allow somethings to happen. This has been the biggest part of my year, focused on the kids. I am blessed to have all my children, and my step children … even if they don’t know it, they were an answered prayer. So thank you Lord. Regardless of what they are going through I love them, and want nothing but the best for them.

Then I went to New Orleans for a few days, and was gone for about a week. It was a lot of fun, and which I then start noticing a new trend of things. Like my eyes were starting to open to a new light. I realized how much fun a road trip is across a thousand miles. Almost getting the Zika in Arkansas, the skeeters there are HUGE!! I was tired and I just shouted that in the middle of an empty convenient store. The poor clerk couldn’t stop laughing. It was also the middle of the night. In parts of Louisiana they farm their corn in sideways. It’s always wet, which is nice. I don’t mind that. That’s just some memories. I really wanted to go to Duck Commander and didn’t get to this time, but maybe next time. I also realized that my friend Kateri and I really didn’t sleep a whole lot. Haha. But I learned that I want to get to know so many people, I want to forge strong friends with others that I look up to, gals who are liked minded, I want to make memories with some new friends that I have been too afraid to tell them, ” hey I want to be your friend, want to hang out sometime?” That has been happening lately, and it feels good. This was a turning point for me in this year, when I came back from New Orleans there was a fast lane of life headed my way and I had no idea.

What happened in all that time from August to present has me even know in awe of this year and all that I have endured. Both good and bad. We were blessed with getting a new truck after a long time of not knowing if we could. We were blessed with that gift and that payment. Haha but now we have a reliable mode of transportation. I was sad to see buttons go ( my old ford) but it was time. Now we have Peter, the new white truck. I am taking better care of myself. I am looking fear in the face and telling it to kindly move because it is hindering my journey. I am going back to church, which is a blessing in itself. I am putting myself out there, and accepting when a door closes on something not to go back to it. It’s closed and it has served its purpose. I am getting better at saying what I mean when I say it. I hope to learn more about my gifts that were given to me. I was reminded of my purpose, which is to write, and write some more. Learn more, experience more, take care of myself in order to take care of others, love, be compassionate, be assertive, discernment and really getting my life back. It was highjacked for a little bit. But man to end this year like this is a blessing. I know that I went through this to learn these things and so much more. I am a better person for it. I mean I am really taking care of myself in a new fresh way. I am losing weight, both physically and in all areas in my life that I needed to lose some weight. I mean I inspire myself sometimes, ” Good job Kristal for treating yourself good today.” I am becoming disciplined in a new way. I know that all that I have gone through good and bad was setting me up for something in the future. I really believe that. Life is so much more than the enemy darts coming your way. (Matthew 6:25 NIV) I know I am taken care of. Love yourself that way you can love others the same way … Would you treat someone the way you treat yourself? (Matthew 22:39 NIV) I know I wouldn’t treat anyone they way I have treated myself lately…. So I take care of me first, and I don’t feel selfish for it. Because I know I am in a much better place to help others when the time is right.

This year has been a good one. I am able to see the joy in all of it. I look forward to what 2018 brings. No matter what, it starts with me and where I am going in this journey. I look forward to writing myself a letter on my anniversary thats coming up, and I cant wait to read it in a years time. But first Jesus’ birthday shindig first.

Regardless of all the “bad things,” that happened this year, it was a great season. I grew up a little bit more, became more mature in my walk. Learned so much. Weeding your theoretical garden of life is a must. If its a weed,pull it. It might hurt but your garden will appreciate you doing it. You’ll be able to grow something new in that good soil, because you made some room. Love yourself everyday. Forgive often, maybe a lot. But live!! Not just survive to the next moment. I rather have a floaty in flood waters than nothing at all.

Kristal xx

Please feel free Like , comment and share.

Subscribe!! So you don’t miss a thing!!

Talk about it Tuesday

Well, things are just moving right along y’all. I feel like I am finally getting my groove in things. I knew the season would be winding down. It has been a crazy 6-8 months of life for me. Not that I am counting or anything, and not to say that things are roses and rainbows, but they do feel not so overwhelming. I don’t feel that the other shoe is about to drop. We all have those moments right?! Like what else could happen? When actually its not our job to really know what the future holds. Today has its own problems, can’t worry about tomorrow. (Matthew 6:24 NIV) And with a lot of practice of being mindful and being in the present moment helps a ton with being grounded.

I can recognize and accept the emotions that come with the situation, but not be consumed by them. Now for me unlike other healthy people, it still takes me a while to work through situations and the emotions that come with that. Sometimes even days and weeks, especially if its a big ordeal. It’s the one time I actually have to fight back the old ways of coping. Like full on OCD blowout to just cope. It’s like a frantic cleaning, freak out then go back to cleaning, setting rules and limitations for everyone, then back to over doing the rituals over and over. Now, I know doing those things don’t actually help me or benefit me as a person. It does however get all the cleaning and gets the things I need or want evened out, or the trash all out of the way at once. Or I will try to read and research a something until its almost tunnel vision when I am trying to cope. It’s really unhealthy. At least now I am in a place where its not so extreme at all, I really rely on Him first, then do things in moderation until I am able to calm down, and figure out what I need to do and feel better.

So, that isn’t what I wanted to talk about. My second year anniversary is coming up with my recovery. It’s a super emotionally filled mine field at times. This year is no exception, in fact more traumatic events happened in this part of the year. Let me back up … This is the hardest time of year because three years ago is when I was going through one of the toughest times in my life. I lost Granddaddy, I was over working myself in a job I loved, I was going through a tough time in my marriage, I was going through something with my kids that I still won’t really talk about, and then my boys moved out right before Christmas to their dads, and I couldn’t hold it anymore and finally attempted suicide. Twice! That’s why its a hard time this time of year for me in a nutshell.

So the first year of recovery at this time of year, I was basically living in bed, hopeless and full of sadness. I didn’t want to shower, I was only leaving my bed to get some food to bring back to my room, all activities stopped. I didn’t even know I was doing it until I was called out about it. Then I was like “Oh, what am I doing?!” I was able from that moment really SEE what I was doing and use the skills that I was learning and applying to get myself out of bed and live. This year, there have been new events that have added to this time of year, and I was internally freaking out a bit. Because I knew going into this time of year that I can’t live in bed, or not shower, among other things. Then other things started happening and it felt like chaos!!

So I needed to put all I knew into action and use this time to really put my weaker practices into action as well. More importantly I needed to stay as grounded as possible. GROUNDED!! I needed to be the deeply rooted tree in the storm. I needed to be able to sway in the storm but stay rooted. I knew I might lose some of my leaves and branches but I needed to see the joy and that maybe I needed some pruning. See what I did there. Haha So I stayed rooted in my faith, hope and the love He has for me. Seek direction in the Word of God, and get a lot of guidance and not be afraid. Another thing was to talk about it. I searched for a therapist that could help someone in my situation, and I couldn’t find one that could help me. I can’t always take up my support systems time, so I was able to call the suicide hotline ( 1-800-273-8255, https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ ) on those really bad nights. They were able to help me when I needed. Then I was able to talk with some friends about stuff, and it was nice to see things in a new fresh way. But no matter what I still needed to go through the emotional part of things and actually go through it all and at my pace. Which I am doing. I still get sad but I dont sit in the sadness all day. I recognize that I am feeling that emotion and express that and do what I need to do to cope. #SelfCare #SelfLove

So a friend of mine reached out to me a couple of weeks ago asking if I was okay, because there was a trend there where I wasn’t doing what I normally do. Once again, I was reminded in that moment to be aware of what I am doing or not doing in this time. Sometimes it takes someone from the outside to call me out, and she did. I confided in her on what was on my mind and what I was going through and that my anniversary was coming up; what she said to me impacted me. She told me to celebrate it. I never thought about it in that way. I thought about it like ” Just survive it Kristal once its past you’ll be fine.” But to celebrate it… whoa my mind was blown. God was telling me something and delivered the message through her. #PraiseGodandHisGoodWork #ThanksMelinda So I what did with that nugget of good ol LOVE, was really celebrate the days coming as that date approaches. By really loving myself. I am blessed to have such great friends in my life. They are an answered prayer. He keeps on giving. So for those of you who are in a place that is hard to cope in this time of year I have this to say.

I know what you may be feeling. I may not know your situation or what you are going through, but the emotional parts I hear you. They aren’t forever, they too move on to a different emotion and it keeps going. I encourage you to get out of bed, whatever small or big reason you give yourself to make that a action happen do it. If it means, that you need to eat breakfast and smell like a clean human, and thats your motivation to get out of bed, then do it. I encourage you to reach out to talk to someone. Sometimes we just need to unload all that baggage and need someone to listen. Trust in faith that someone in your life wants to listen and be there for you, let them and give yourself the permission to allow them to do it for you. If you dont have anyone or feel that you dont, call the hotline. I think they even have it to where you can text now. Do something to make yourself feel good, like getting flowers, draw, take a bath, make some cookies, watch a silly movie. Just to name a few. Find joy in the moments that you do for yourself. And if you’re in a place where you’ve lost someone too, celebrate all the great things this person has done or made you feel while they were here. When Granddaddy passed I mourned his loss for a long time. I still cry when I think of him not being here, but I also remember all the silliness and how loving he was. That man loved me and that is what I remember and hold on too. I don’t have all the answers but I know this time of year is hard on a lot of people all around the world. If you are reading this and you are one of those people, you are not alone. If you are reading this and know someone who is going through a hard time during this season, reach out to them, you never know what your presence means to them. You might be exactly what they needed in this time of their live. Love each other, be kind and be good to yourself and each other. Be light in the dark.

With that said have a great day and smile.

With love,

Kristal

Please comment, like or share. Don’t forgive to subscribe!!

Being the Woman I want to be … Progress Report

Although, by now most of you have known that I am going through this journey and sharing my experiences with you. I will hold myself accountable here, because I haven’t been consistent. I am working on being better on all the areas that need changing. That is one of them.

So a lot of life has happened for me, which has created an affect to change myself. I was an empty cup and I was pouring into things and people that I had no business doing. So I made the choice to focus on me and my future. I gave myself the permission to do so. I can’t tell you all the times that I would say to myself that I would be selfish if I focused on myself. I believed that for so long, I will tell you that is one of the biggest lies I did believed and it legitimately held me back. So what I have done since October…

First thing I did, was start making boundaries with the people closest to me. That meant family and friends alike. If time is your only real asset on this round ball before going to your forever place, then maybe we need to manage it wisely. I know that I want to accomplish some awesome things in my life and I know I can’t do that if I do everything for everyone else. Whatever “everything” looks like to you. To me that looks like this …” Kristal you’re at home and nothing better to do, lets just do something else with your time.” I wish that I could honestly tell you how busy stay at home moms are. The expectation is that You are home, so therefore you have the time to clean the house, take care of the food, laundry, make all sorts of calls (IDK), take care of the errands, take care of the dogs, and somewhere in there; in my case find time to write my book, blog, and my makeup business. Not to mention to do this with a stable mind and heart. In an other words that people assume since I am home that I have all this free time when I don’t. because that is just during the day when no one is home, then we everyone comes home, then its dinner, clean the kitchen again, and whatever else needs to be done. At the end of the day, I just want to be alone doing something that I want to do that is enjoyable, but there is no time. How many times working or at home do you feel this way? Seriously, ask yourself that. I know that for me my schedule is so packed that I rarely have time for myself. So that is the next thing I tackled… Time management.

Time management is one of those things that is a never ending balance of work and fun. Things you have to do and things you want to do. Then allowing enough room for the things that come up unexpectedly.

This is a current, all ever so changing schedule for me. As you can see here, I am making the time to do better and setting myself up for success. I have a bad habit of not eating consistently hence the alarms to remind me to stop what I am doing to eat. Because I am taking the time to take care of myself and be the woman I want to be. My alarms go all the way to 8pm. After 8pm its my time to do what I want to do. For those of you who don’t know, I have ritualistic OCD this is hard thing to break. For me to start this, I had to go through a series of levels of thinking and action to get me to this point. To break OCD you have to go against everything you’ve done in the past and do the opposite. That a blog for a different day, haha. Nevertheless, I still wrote down all my goals for the next three, six, nine, and year goals. then with the three month goals I had to write out my weekly goals. I am sticking to one week at a time, Revisting that goal planning every Sunday when I prep my food for the week. Which in itself is a lot of time to consume. It is totally worth it. I am still working out the kinks to my time management because this is a change for others around me, they have a hard time with my changes too. It affects them too. A more assertive Kristal within her interpersonal circle is a shock to some, along with making time for herself and the things that are import to her are hard too. So then this brings me to my journey to weight loss.

So many years I have been wanting to lose the weight. I know I am among millions of woman who struggle with body image. There is a moment in every weight loss journey that starts with this moment of being scared which turns into change. I had mine recently. It is kind of a funny story to me, but the point of it all is I was scared. Over the last few years I have made choices to stop eating certain foods because of how it affects me physically. But with the combo job of not eating consistently, or eating the right portions or adding new healthy foods, along with stress that has been recent over the last 6 months, you do pack on the pounds not even meaning too. I was already obese but with my job at the time I was active, but the other things weren’t aligned. And plainly speaking… I wasn’t committed really deep down. Well, I have since stopped working at my most favorite job ever. (A career I am great at I might add) I have gained another 30 pounds. I have really been able to feel the weight for the first time. I am embarrassed to go out in public, finding clothes is a nightmare, I am really self loathing for the first time, but I refuse to allow myself to continue that trend anymore. I don’t want to accept whether I need to make choices based off of whether it is ” Fat people friendly,’ anymore. I haven’t got my hair cut in like nine months because I feel I am going to break her chair, so I save myself from that embarrassment. For instance, before my girlfriends and I went to New Orleans we all went out for a nail day, and low and behold I am sitting in the pedi chair, towards the end I adjusted myself and the chair made a loud crack noise in a quiet room ( of course the one moment where all the women stop talking) and everyone looked at me. I was mortified inside. I apologized to my tech, as she looked at me then looked around, and then back at me and said ” Don’t be sorry for anything. You’re fine, who cares.” And she looked around assuring me that I don’t need to care what others think. Then I broke one of my nails right before my manicure, because my tech was having a hard time pulling the cuff of my pants back down for me. So I helped her and broke my nail. It was a fiasco, but she took care of me.

But back to the doctor, I knew I had a UTI before we went to New Orleans but I thought I could manage it and get rid of it from home. Okay okay I didn’t want to go to the doctor because I didn’t have it in the budget. So I go to the doctor because I had flank pain, which only tells me that the infection is now in my kidneys. I am no doctor, but i know my body. I also know that I am a walking anomaly when it comes to health stuff. So in this case, the last time I had a UTI was when I pregnant with my oldest son, who is now fifteen years old. I don’t have pain when I go tinkle, or the other symptoms. I just knew that I had one. Anyway, I was at the doctor for nearly two hours, because my sample came back as “Normal,” and then the doctor wanted to insure that there wasn’t something sinister happening in my lady parts, which there wasn’t!! The doctors wasn’t listening to me because the science was telling her something else. It didn’t matter how many times I told her that its a UTI, we did slightly argue about it, but there I am in my paper dress, which isn’t big girl friendly, the whole thing isn’t fun to begin with. I would go into further details on how mortified I was at this point. There is always that moment of awkward conversation they try to do while preforming such procedures, sorry there isn’t more awkward then that moment. I would rather pose nude for an hour than do that once a year. Just saying. Moving on. I was glad I showered before I went. #AwkardDotCom

So then the doctor informs that she is going to get my sample cultured or something, but that I was perfectly fine. Two days later my results come back with having a UTI. But that isn’t what scared me, what scared me was my vitals. My blood pressure was not normal for me, and the nurse walked out fast so I couldn’t ask. I did get the information that I was looking for. I drew the line in the sand when it comes to my heart. I am too young to be this size in the first place but I need to take care of my heart and the body it supports. Right then and there I knew what I needed to commit to. Since then I have been eating clean, prepping my food, and exercising. I have experienced a lot of new things… like really feeling cruddy with detoxing from my old ways. Eating at the same time everyday really makes a difference. I am working through it, and not giving up on myself. Not to mention that the self talk has changed as well.

I am becoming more disciplined in doing it for me, not anyone else. I see the end game and there is tunnel vision, and once that happens there is no stopping it. So that is my moment of health change. And I am grateful for going to the Docs that day.

Next was going back to church. There is nothing like having a church family and friends. Bar none. I was scared to death to go back to church. The enemy is a clever thing, not that the enemy gets credit for that. #NotTodaySatan but for a year I haven’t gone because I didn’t understand a certain situation that happened with my Pastor and I. So i took it personally, and held onto the misunderstanding. Although, I knew that I needed to talk to my Pastor before I decided to go back or to another church. But the thing is that I love my church. Like really love my church, and didn’t really want to go anywhere else, but I wasn’t in a place to confront what was bothering me. God always has a plan, doesn’t he?! His plans and timing are ALWAYS PERFECT! That meeting finally happened, and it felt so good to have that conversation and get past it. Slowly, we move forward. With all things on the table and aired out. Then it was time to come to church. I opted not to go to the that first Sunday, to kind of let things settle for me personally, but that next Sunday, I was going regardless of what the enemy was throwing at me that morning. Telling me lies and it felt good to walk in through the doors, even though I was scared out of my mind. Everyone was welcoming and a lot of new faces. I sat in the back, like when I first started going so many years ago, and one lady to whom I adore, like so many others, she invited me to sit next to her. It was awesome to have such a welcoming back. I wanted to cry but man to have my cup filled for the week was amazing. I even had my daughter go to church with me the next time round. She was hesitant but even she received some nuggets of bread that day. #PraiseYouLord

Despite the many oppositions that are all around me and you, God is so much bigger than what those moments are. Those oppressors, those things that are major challenges that we all have in our life, when we trust in Him, the victory is already won, you just have to get out of His way and do the hard work. because that is what it is… hard work. and nothing worth having comes easy. This task that I am given isnt an easy one and I am more than happy to do the work to do what is asked of me when it comes to Him. He can turn any bad situation into a blessing if you are willing to see and listen. #GetIntoTheRhythm #GettingInSync #ActivePracticing #NBFLAPastorShawnisms

So to end this message and blog I hope you find the time for you. When you pour into yourself first then you can pour into others. When you take the time to listen to Him and fall back into His grace things become a little more manageable and easier to see the joy in all situations that you are going through. Take care of yourselves to be the better versions of you. Whatever that looks like to you!!

Love yourself!! And own who you are!! If you are starting or thinking of starting something that youve been wanting to do, I encourage you to take the steps to set yourself up for success. Lean on Him to help you through. Make boundaries, take the five seconds to build the courage for the first step, manage your time, and don’t settle. Love yourself and take care until next time.

Chapter 5 Time

Being with my father made so much sense to me now. I was talking with my mom just over the weekend and she said something that was so profound to me. She told me that I have always been different. I am not the type of person that fits into a cookie cutter box. She said the word weird in there too. Haha but that is actually a fair statement to have to be honest. I know I am different and occasionally weird. I hear that from some of my closest friends. Some actually come out and say that I am weird and some use the term funny. But the one thing she said that really hit home was that she didn’t have the time to give me to nurture that part of me. Being with my dad I was essentially the only child.

My father had my two brothers from a previous marriage.They were pretty much adults when I came to live my dad. I didn’t see them much, but that was something that was out of our control as far as sibling control goes. I guess the point that I am trying to express is that my father had the time to give me. Although, My step mom was the one I spent most of my time with along with my grandparents. I love my Grandparents. Granny and Granddaddy. They all had time for me, and they did nurture those things about me that are ” weird.”

I don’t know how to be a “normal,” human who does things that are expected of them. I am not that person. I have always known in my heart that I am meant for so much more. I wasn’t given the gifts that I was just to let them fade away into world of “Hopes and Dreams.” I am not afraid to do the things that are outside the box. So many of us don’t reach what we are really meant to do. Most people do what the world expects them to do. I do what I am instructed to do by my creator. In an other words I listen to my heart. Or as my mom said over the weekend that I go the beat of my own drum and I take that as a compliment. So many times my mom has said how she wished she would have done what she  dreamed of. During the course of this last year alone, I have had so many questions about life, and what my real purpose is. I am one of the lucky ones that knows what I am meant to do. I just have to do the work to accomplish that. I am blessed to have the opportunity to make that happen. I have thought many times over if things hadn’t turned out the way they had, would I still have this same revelation. Probably but I wouldn’t execute it because I was defining my life based on what the world wants me to do. You know the routine.

  • Get up and look presentable for the world
  • Make the coffee
  • Go to work and make a small difference in the world
  • Secretly hate the job you have
  • Remind yourself to be grateful you have a job
  • Pay bills
  • Secretly die inside wishing you had done something different in your life

Yes, that was a low of lowest of lows of what some people deal with everything. I can hear the same things said when I bring something like that up, because people tell me all the time that not everyone has the luxury of writing a book like I do. Or whatever else they have said. Or the other half who tell me how blessed I am and how it inspires them to do something they have always dreamed of doing. Well Let me tell you something.I used to be that person who struggled with paying my bills on time, working dead-end jobs, or working really good jobs and something happens, being a single mom for a little while. I know the struggle but my dreams haven’t changed and it’s because with my father I was given the attention I needed to hold on to what I have wanted to do all my life. That is to write. That doesn’t mean that I don’t struggle to accomplish those same things as the next person. I don’t judge people because its not my job to do that, and furthermore I don’t know what they are going through. They may have some things that they are going through just like me. You just don’t know what people are going through is all I am saying.

While with my father, he and my step mom bought me my first journal. I have written in a journal but it was a notebook and I would end up using it for something else. So before we went on vacation in Jamaica, I was given that journal. That was the start of the actual life story being put into paper. I was encouraged to write about everything and anything, and what a better way than in Jamaica. I still have that journal, and all the memories of going to Jamaica. Y’all let me tell you if you haven’t gone there GOOOO!!

I had so much fun there. I was afraid of the ocean. I am way too small of a human and that is poop ton of water. NO thank you! I still don’t like the big bodies of water. My dad did take me swimming in the ocean. I didn’t get far in the water because I was too scared. I am okay with that. I respect the ocean. Haha. I enjoyed writing about the canoe ride my step mom and went on. It was so beautiful but I was humbled that day. We had made a pit stop along the river. There was a swing on a tree there. So I sat on the swing just so I could admire the clarity of the water that was beneath my feet. That was until I was so far in my own mind about all the stories I had going in my mind about the water. It was so beautiful as it covered my entire body I felt one with the water in that moment. I felt the sand between my toes and how warm the water was. I came up for air and got out of the water. I had fallen in and now soaking wet.

I had bad luck with water where ever there was water. Side story here. Almost all ( minus one) the field trips I had in Texas that involved I fell in somehow. I was accident prone when it came to water. We were on a field trip to the space/science museum in I think Ft. Worth and there was this huge landscape of water but you could walk on the sidewalk thingy’s ( I don’t know what they are called) and I was proud of myself that I hadn’t fallen in. My step mom was there on that trip, she even warned me not to run like the other kids because I would fall in. I didn’t listen. This game of tag was awesome!! But I fell in!! I was covered in this weird green and white sludge stuff from all the plants that were growing there. Oh and WET!! I was used to the embarrassment of being wet during the rest of the past field trips, but not this one. Mystic mom asked the staff there if they had something I could wear instead. Guess what they did. A beat up old NASA jumpsuit. I had to undress there and put that on without shoes. I was grateful that she did that, but now I had a new thing for everyone to talk about. The electric light show was next on the itinerary. I was paranoid the whole time that I was going to get shocked because I was wet. Insert your favorite eye rolling emoji here because what did I know. That is why we were there right?! To learn these things from the professionals! Ok back to our regular scheduled program.

My step mom made the same face when I came out of the water! Haha oops. We boarded the sugar cane stalk made raft and continued forward, and out of no where on both sides of the river, children and women came running to the raft to sell their self made things to make some money. I didn’t understand. I asked my step mom why they were dressed in basically rags and shirts with holes. She told me that they were very poor and they are trying to make some money. While this was all happening the raft operator was yelling at these kids to get away, and pushing them.

I was given a Jamaican 100 bill. I gave it to a little girl who had wanted to sell a raft made of sticks.She gave me flower she just picked from the side of river as a thank you. Who knows if it actually helped but I was given the chance to think if I wanted to give it up or not. I chose to give it to them. It was so heartbreaking to me. Homeless here in the US is bad but it looks totally different there in another country. Homeless and less fortunate all have one thing in common. They need help. I want to be that help for that family.

I was told later on that in Jamaica that you are either rich or poor. There is no in-between for them. And so many of their people are poor end, but they are a happy humble people. They touched my heart more than they will ever know. I was going to save that 100 bill as a keepsake. Even though at the time it was worth four dollars in the US. To me I did the right thing. I have always gave when I could even when I couldn’t.

It is for those moments I am grateful that I was given the chance to give. I am often criticized for being a bleeding heart but that is who I am. That is something that won’t change about me. #notsorry My father and step mother I think were proud of me. I am not sure but I am proud of myself. I hadn’t seen anything like ever since that time.

So time, because that is what I am talking about here. The time that my father and step mom gave to me was not ever wasted. I learned a lot of things about who I was in those moments, and because of the time given I was able to really grow. Time is still an issue for me. I see time in a whole new way these days. Well maybe not new but in a fresh way that I try not to waste it. Time is the only asset we really have on this planet. Why waste it on things that are out of our control, or on things that don’t make our souls happy, or on things that we have no business being in? That is how I see time. I see it as I have one go at this thing, I was blessed with new ways to see this blessing and doing the things that mean something to me and serve others. Life is to have a deeper purpose than your every day-to-day task lists. Leave room to live! Leave room to experience things. I can’t wait for those things to come my way. I love that I know in my heart that they will happen for me because of my hope, faith and love of my dreams. I am practicing everyday to experience small pieces of my dreams come to life.

My writings to you are a gift. Not only for you but me too. It really all started with that one journal. The first of so many. I give it all to God. He made this season in my life at that point a place for me to grow. That is why everything happened the way it did. I am so happy to hear that mom over this last weekend said what she did. I feel like that was the first time that she really acknowledged in a positive way who I am. I feel that part of her is really happy that I am who I am and she’s unashamed of me, more over that she is no longer feeling shame for not being able to provide that to me as a child. Which is huge to me, because that is the last thing I want my mom to feel. Her seasons with me weren’t easy life lessons, and my father had seasons of teaching me in new ways to grow. Both were equally important.

At the end of my time in Texas my father showed me part of his shame that he carried. He and my step mom were getting a divorce. He blamed me for it, and that I would be moving back with my mom. Before I moved back with mom he showed me an ugly side of him that I haven’t ever seen. He threw their divorce/ custody court papers in my face. Like I knew what all that lingo meant?! I sat there crying as he slaughter my moms very existence and how I am just like her. I just ruin things. I think I may have been triggered or something because I just couldn’t hear anymore awful things about my mom. I just yelled that I wanted to kill myself. I felt that I was the biggest mistake to my parents. It was because of me they hate each other, and why their lives are so hard.

So my dad went into his room and came back with a small revolver in tow. He handed to me and said then do it. Just pull the trigger Kristal. I looked at the gun and then him. So many new questions are going through my head. I don’t know who to believe anymore. I don’t know who to trust. One thing is clear my dad was crazy thinking this was a good idea to hand me a gun. I don’t even know how to use it much less kill myself with it. I thought he was crazy at this moment. I went to my room and died a little inside and probably had a panic attack.

He later apologized for his actions and believe it or not that was not traumatizing for me as much as you think it would. What was traumatizing was the crappy things said about my mom. I knew at that moment that they both had put me in the middle of their crap. I vowed from that moment forward I would never put my kids through such a thing when I had kids. Secondly, I would be moving back to New Mexico with my mom. She is now married to a great man at this point in her life. Maybe things would be different now. I would be starting middle school after that summer. We said our goodbyes and I was sad and happy. I knew that might be the last time I would see my step mom. She means so much to me. I unconditionally loved that woman and I would see my dad soon.

I was back on the road to New Mexico with my sister and my mom. A new chapter begins.

Broadening Horizons. 

Today’s post is a little different. It’s something that is on my heart right now. I feel inspired and must share. 
A year and some change ago I attempted suicide. Yes let that sink in a little bit. It happened. I finally hit that low. And I will say this. When that sharp object was slicing through my skin I was so calm and everything around me was quiet. Peaceful. 
So many people are curious as to why someone would want to commit suicide. Which is usually followed by harsh statements on how selfish it is and how much pain we would put our family through. I can only speak for myself but when I heard those things it was only solidifying why I was attempting suicide to begin with. 
Suicide ideation is such a crappy term. I learned about this term as a few others to add into my mental illness resume. I say that very facetiously. I was given a diagnosis shortly after I was put in a very nice treatment center. 
I was angry at first that I was put there. I agreed to go after I was already forced. Ha-ha. My condition got so bad that I couldn’t even talk on the phone or go outside. I couldn’t talk to people. All those things and so much caused me so much stress an anxiety that it would send me into a fit almost with just the thought. 
So what got me to that point you ask?
Well it was a few big things that happened in succession in a course of a year. All starting with the end of a job title and being promoted into another job title. To being away for three weeks away from my family for training. Then to been so busy at work that I am not home. Then my grandfather passed away. That was the beginning of the end for me. 
So many things that felt so unbelievable was happening all at once. I didn’t realize that I was experiencing PTSD. That every single thing that happened to me and my family that year was all recall of things I had suppressed. I thought I had a better handle on my life than that. I mean you all will know more of these things that triggered me soon enough. 
After I have attempted suicide I felt like a newborn and not knowing a F-being thing!! I didn’t know who I was anymore. Who am I? Every day since then is a new day and new way to see the world. To not deal of things of the past but to keep moving forward. 
But the question remains the same or the attitude that comes why I attempted suicide. How could I possibly do that to my family and my children. Well the answer is simple. For me anyway. It was because I believed so strongly that I was the problem and the cause of problems. In my mind if I am the problem I will get rid of the problem. 
Although I am super grateful that my family supporting me and still do from that moment but I still had to take the steps myself to get better. 
I had to make a real committed choice to get better and believe in myself in my journey that I can do this. After a fews days into treatment I had hope. That was until I got my real diagnosis then I was pissed off but it’s only taken a year to say that and accept it. Ha-ha I agreed with most of the diagnoses but not the big one. I won’t reveal that now but it’s still too fresh for me. 
But for now every day I make a choice to get out of bed, to eat, to developed my skills, to learn who I am, to take care of others, to get guidance, to ask for help, to make new friends without fear of rejection or abandonment, to approach life with new eyes, to pray and give my worries to God if I have worries. All those things are choices. Every day is a new fight for my life. This is not always an easy road of recovery but I am recovering. I have good days and bad moments of parts of the day. 
I am learning that I literally have the whole world to explore. I have life!!! Life to broaden my world. I have been given this life to live it as full and complete as possible. I have been given tools to use to do exactly that. 
Some things that try to hinder this process is other people. Other people who may not know me and people that do know me will discourage what I want to do. It sounds too unsafe and not traditional way of life. I am a writer. You know how long it has taken me to say that?!!! But when I would try it on other people would tell me discouraging things. ” That’s not going to pay the bills!” Well you know what neither is me being jobless because I don’t fit in. It’s not what I am meant to do. 
I may be really awesome at my job but that is not what I am supposed to do with my life. God has shown me a piece of my future. It just made my mustard seed of faith grow larger and even more since that moment. I trust that God knows exactly what I am to do with my life. It’s my job just to obey and do. Life makes sense to me now. 
God has told me to write. Just write Kristal. Every time I have talked to God about my worry of making money to live he reminds me to trust in him, that he will provide just write Kristal. Or if I ask him if I am good enough. The love that washes over me tells me that I am and just write. 

I haven’t been so secure in a choice that involved my career but this makes sense to me. It fits who I am. I don’t quite know who Kristal is yet all the way but I can tell you that my past doesn’t define who I am. My past is what I have gone through. And it’s my testimony that will help someone else. It’s my testimony that I didn’t get this far on my own. I was given a new beginning by allowing my old me to die that day that I attempted suicide. That person does that day and Kristal is emerging from that moment. Everyday I have learned so much about myself. 

I had so many people come into my life to help me get to God. I will explain that also on another day. But today I am just In Awe that I have a life to experience and experiences awaiting for me to arrive! And also that I have to guard my heart, discern, and do all things for the glory of God. 

I am sure that this sort of topic makes some people uncomfortable. But maybe just be open minded and see that He changed me and saved me. And look right now I have been adding to my growing bucket list. My world is expanding. Growth is great!!