Catch Up Kristal

I catch myself starting my stories off the same way, but today I choose a different way to approach the subject at hand. I have new things to talk to you about and I am not going to shy away like I have been. I will approach this with kindness and grace because we all deserve kindness and grace. The darkness can be the most cold unforgiving place ever! There is not one person on this planet that has not visited that place at least once in their life.

 

I need this for myself right now. I need to able to give myself what I give everyone around me. Recently, I was betrayed by a few people so very close to my heart, and instead of feeling all those fleshy moments of feeling anger and disappointment and staying here giving it power. I have learned that people are not like me and I am not like them. I’m so tired of feeling the way I do towards people. I give grace and always will. I will always find the time to make a choice to forgive, but just as important to know when to let go and not look back.

So, I have to try to find my daily empowerment in all that I do. That includes when I am hurt to find that joy when all the shit hits the fan. I am so done with this season and at the same time I am grateful for the season because I know at the end I am going to see a blessing and get to know me a lot better.

I am learning what my true self-worth really looks like, to have a voice and actually use it. I know that I am worth love, respect and joy just like so many others in my life. I am so grateful that I can say no and not really feel bad anymore. I am not afraid to hear the truth and know my part in things.

I don’t like when people think its okay to hurt others. I will always have a hard time with that. I too feel just as sad when it happens to me, but I am so tired of accepting that its okay for them to do it to me. I almost feel like I have minimized what they have done to me or my family. I have asked myself a thousand times… ” Why is this relationship important to you? Why do you keep holding on?” and sometimes I know that the relationship isn’t a good one to be in and yet I allow the craptastic things to continue. So that is completely on me.

I was a naive young woman who felt that nobody liked her, and I don’t believe that shit anymore. I am okay with people leaving my life now because why would I force them to stay when they clearly don’t want to be there. I am not just talking about past romantic relationships I am also talking about friends, job, etc. I have fought for people to stay in my life and I sit here writing this and I am shaking my head… Why would you do that silly woman! I know better now. I am unafraid, I am healed, I am not crazy, I am awesome, I encourage, I empower, I am a freaking WARRIOR!

I have been through so much in my life and I wasn’t afraid to stand for things that I believe in. So where the hell did start allowing crappy people in my life to control me or tell me whats best for me when clearly they don’t know me? can we say run on sentence?  Just in the last few days I have been betrayed and my privacy violated, and I sat there, mad, and upset and almost immediately I chose to forgive, but I am still knee-deep in the situation. Then I got a phone call this morning and it was one of those phone calls that makes you lose your crap, because you know you’re being a target.  But get this…I know I have a target on my back!! I am doing things that makes me unpopular( doing things that aren’t considered normal 9-5 things) and things that others are too afraid of to do… SO yeah I am going to have that target on my back, and I know that I am strong enough to stand and take it in the flesh and surrender it to God. I know what whatever is trying to attack is because God is working hard and the enemy knows they are about to be evicted. #SorryNotSorry #TeamJesus #AlreadyDefeatedTheEnemy

I know that the people who come into my life are there for a reason, I can discern better if they are there for good or bad, or misunderstood, need to be introduced to God, or whatever the case may be… I know that I need to surrender control and surrender the unnecessary hoarding that I have of people. I am not Jesus and I can’t save people anymore than the next person. I can just influence the goodness and teach how to be wise in some cases. I need to stop allowing myself to keeping people that don’t need to be in my life anymore.  Wash your hands Kristal, its okay and they will be okay because they belong to God not you. I am so tired of being hurt, and I am so tired of thinking of things that I need to do to fix my situation. 10 seconds of courage to say goodbye and many blessings your way. #MovingOn

I am so tired of having the target on my back, but I am able to know that I am loved and furthermore I am good within myself to know I am safe. I am strong enough to say no more, and Not today satan. I know that I am worth it. I know that I am enough. I know that I am not fighting flesh and blood. I know that one day I will successful. I am no longer afraid.

So how does this all tie in? Well, there are many phases in life and I am behind the curve, if there is one. I’m catching up to what others already know. I am done with allowing the bad in and ready to fully allow the blessing in!!

 

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Sometimes Sorry is Enough

Sorry … Sometimes its a strong word, and sometimes its the weakest word. It all depends on the ears that are hearing those words. Sometimes saying sorry is all we can say. Saying sorry is sometimes the last thing you want to say. Hearing sorry is the only thing you want to hear or its the furthest from your mind.

So lately, there has been a lot of things going on in my life. To make this a little easier without throwing actual situations out there that could potentially hurt someones feelings. Lets just say there is a season change in my life, and its a hard winter for me.  You’ve been through worse Kristal. The good news is that I know that things will turn out the way they are supposed to, this is an adjustment period, this to shall pass, God is totally involved, I have fleshy moments, I have made mistakes, I am doing all that I can to not lose whats important to me. Which is my family.

God is working in my life in such a way that I have no choice but to lean on Him. Trust me I am glad too, because I know that I can’t do this alone. I feel alone at times because I don’t know where to go when its time. Meaning, I am trying to rush the situation because its uncomfortable. I’m working in my flesh. I am learning and practicing. This situation isn’t easy at all. I see whats happening and I am helpless to stop it. I have to force myself to step back because that is what is asked of me. I have to step back for myself as well, because the fire is just way to hot. This situation is happening for a reason. Cliche or not it is happening because things need to change. I feel that when we don’t listen to the guidance we are given, God either way is going to create and use the situation because the change needs to happen, and for a greater purpose than the actual “Right Now,” situation. Whatever is happening now is for a greater purpose for later on. 

Trust me, in my human mind it feels like everything around me is on fire and no matter where I turn I could get burned or is burning. That is for everyone that is involved. Everything is so delicate right now that the smallest things turn into huge flames. I am trying so hard. I don’t know how to handle the situation and I am not doing a very good job at it. I can admit that. I was told to stay out of it and yet I am still in it. I want to do right by everyone and I realized that I can not. So I lean on God and I want to pray but I feel that I have no where that is my own to do that with. In another words Kristal likes having her time with Jesus in private and in a special place. 

 The frustration wants to be invited in and I am making mistakes and can’t fix them. Sorry is just not enough in this moment. That is the feeling I have in my heart. It’s not enough and I wish it were. 

So how do I fix it from here? How do handle the emotional side of things? I feel that I can’t. It needs to come from upper management. #JesusTakeTheWheelMoment I know that it needs to come from Him and I need to get out-of-the-way. I need to get on my knees and just let it all out, but I still feel this guilt. This shame storm that was darted at me, and I am trying so hard to not allow it into my heart. I will fight for my life in that way because I know my worth in God’s eyes. I know that I will be fine out of this but going through the mountain isn’t easy for anyone. God knew that I was ready for this. God knows what He is doing.

Some days I feel like Peter. When Jesus asked him to come walk with him on the water. That moment of hesitation he had before taking that step onto the water. You know the trust factor. I know Jesus has me … my fleshy moments are saying that He doesn’t. All things that I have to talk to God about. You see I am answering my own questions as I write this out. I know that I am not the only person who is going through a season right now. I still need Jesus to hold my hand or to hold me while I just cry. ( He will do that you know) I am not graduated yet to walking on water. Or maybe it’s because I don’t trust myself to actually take the first step to get there. How can things change if I am not ready to walk on that water? Good question Kristal, why don’t you talk to Jesus about it?

I know I know I know… I almost feel that I am being disobedient by not getting out-of-the-way.  Because you are being a little poopy about the whole thing Kristal. I got this! I know what I need to do. I need to step out-of-the-way. And staying out of the way and allow things to happen the way God intended things to be and let Him clear up the mess that the enemy created.

 God is so faithful y’all. He loves us a lot.  He is so patient with me, and all of us. I am happy that I am reminded that I need to forgive often, be slow to speak and quick to listen, follow the wise, discern all the time, follow The Word, talk to Him often, ask for forgiveness and let love rule. Make good solid foundations and boundaries and lay all the good and the bad at His feet. He knows everyone’s heart and where they are going to go.

I have to remember that the battle is already won, I need to get out-of-the-way. Sorry may not be enough for all situations but the point is that I know I have made mistakes. I am sorry for those mistakes. I know that I don’t hold shame with those mistakes because that is exactly what they are. Mistakes. Whether or not that apology is accepted that is on that person that it is said to, but I know in my heart that I did all that I could at the time. It wasn’t done to be mean or malicious but to help. And to know and be mindful that not everyone wants or needs your help. I know that things will be fine and worked out the way they are meant to.

Sorry in many ways takes the pain off of someone. Just to hear those words, ” I’m Sorry,” can mean the world to someone. To take the accountability that you made that mistake and said sorry.  I know that for me its hard to accept the apology the first time because I am soooo in the moment of the pain. Deep down that sorry means everything to me. I know that I need to get passed my own self righteousness and be vulnerable in front of that person. This is something that I am learning to do more often. To trust that person not to hurt me anymore at that moment and accept them and their vulnerability. #GrowingPains

Sorry is very powerful, I suppose it depends on how you respond to it. I chose to be okay with my mistakes and chose to forgive myself and others. Learning to say sorry to the people who need to hear it from you. #RunOnSentencesAreInNow

I don’t know how this will help anyone but I do like that I was able to vent a little and work out my issue here. Words or even writing about somethings helps me a lot. Sure, I could journal it but I feel that it might help someone else. Maybe… or maybe it can just be this funny story how I had to rant about a Vague situation for me to get a dang clue. I mean crap a doodles…. The sign was there the whole time smacking me in the face and I am asking where is it!  Liiike hello!! I am only human… you are human…  and I need to commit to a blog post… I have a long draft list going on…

 

Be good to each other especially in times that are hard. You don’t know the struggle they are going through and they don’t know the struggle you are going through. Be slow to speak and quick to listen. Love each other and forgive often. I know that my situation is in God’s hands. He knows my heart and the hearts of others. The battle is already won. Put God first and you’ll never be last.