Chapter 14: Hey we need to talk.

So we need to talk. Well, I guess I will talk and wait to see if you respond back. Yes, I am talking to all of you. There is a lot going on and I often find myself in a whirlwind of chaos. I really hate that… Like a lot. But as I work through those issues, there are some things that are on my heart lately that I feel I just need to say.

I know what it is like to be on the side of suicidal thoughts and ideation. I know that I have talked about what it is like for me and probably so many others that have gone through that situation. I find humor in the “survivor,” term with that. I didn’t survive my attempt in suicide. I was stopped from committing suicide. I was pissed about that as well when it happened I might add; and when I saw my doctor and he said ” so you survived,” I actually laughed because it was a choice. It was a choice that was made for me, and a choice I eventually made for myself. Yes you read that right…. a choice. Now granted if I was alone, which I was before I was stopped the first time, I would of gone through with my plan. It was still a choice, But since I wasn’t alone the second time that day, it was the choice of my husband to stop me. CHOICE.

I made a choice to live. I made a choice to listen to my husband. I made a choice to not do it that day. I made all those choices. My intention of leaving this world didn’t just vanish after I made that choice. It was always there like a nagging splinter in my mind. My heart was so incredibly broken, but I made a choice to live. I made a choice to continue to listen on how much I was selfish and it was not the time for a “Kristal Show.” But I can tell you those thirty some hours were so incredibly impossible after my last attempt. I couldn’t be left alone for more than ten minutes at time before I would freak the F out again. Constant awful feelings of shame and guilt came like darts and arrows from war from the enemy. ( think of the movie 300 and all the arrows that were shot at them, and it darkened the skies. That is how it felt, just me without a shield to protect me)

So, I was thinking … How all my actions have affected people all around me. What if I wasn’t caught and I died, how all of that would affect the people around me. Pretty heavy stuff. I can see why I never thought about it from their point of view before. I didnt want to trigger myself into all the shame and guilt again. Let me clarify, from their point of view from a healthier point of view. So if you don’t know, when a person is suicidal they think of all the shame and guilt. You have to understand from their point of view, from my point of view, I was doing my friends, family, co-workers all a favor by leaving this world because I WAS THE PROBLEM! For healthy people, they don’t quite understand that… LIKE AT ALL!!

The one thing that I hate hearing is the cliché saying of …. “IT’S A PERMANENT SOLUTION TO A TEMPORARY PROBLEM!” stop saying that to people. And if you are a person that was suicidal and this phrase worked for you, please contact me because I want to give you so much praise. That phrase still triggers me because it reminds me of how some people just don’t get it. To me this phrase means this… ” You’re going to kill yourself over something that means nothing.” Yeah I get it… But when a person has shame they BELIEVE THEY ARE THE PROBLEM… I was the problem for everyone around me… I was the solution to end all things because I was taking care of the end result for them to be happy!! I was giving them peace. That was my thinking and understand; and  nearly enough words to express that y’all. I really don’t like that phrase. It sounds so self-serving for the people saying it, like they are better than me. Because they seem to know more than me. When I was suicidal I was thinking that it was the most selfless thing I could do for all of them. I understand that I might offend some people but this is my story from my point of view.

On the flip side of that coin, I seen something I haven’t seen before. The after effects to people who had to live with the death of their love one and the people who have been affected with the person who attempted. Talk about an eye opener. I am really thankful I am in a place where I can withstand seeing that without being triggered. So this is what I have seen. Parents living with guilt and what if’s lingering. Spouses living with guilt and shame of what ifs and blame. Children growing up with confusion and blame that maybe it was their fault. Friends blaming themselves and feeling responsible for their death. The pastor who talked over their service feeling pained that maybe there was more that they could have done. The co-workers who try to comfort and get rejected. The coffee shop clerk being attacked verbally because that husband doesn’t know how to cope and was drinking the night before and doesn’t feel good. I see now that there are soooo many people affected than just the immediate people. ( Hence why its important to me to not judge people because I dont know what they are going through.)

No matter how it manifests, the one thing that is clear to me is they all become something they weren’t before. Sad, depressed, confused, isolated, irrational, lost, in need of answers themselves, blame consumes them, guilt and shame take over for them, feeling of abandonment and rejection, trust issues, traumatized. Their lives can be consumed by the death of their loved one. I feel that people feel the same with people who attempted. They still feel all those things but don’t talk about it with the person in fear it will trigger them. In a sense they lost the person they once knew and still mourn the loss even though they are living. They all share the anger and sadness and all the other emotions that come with all of that. I never saw that before.

The first people I think of is the people who I live with. What would their lives look like with me gone. I can see it so clearly. I can see exactly what I think would happen. My husband would turn to darker things because he would be the first to blame himself. The guilt would wash over him thinking it was his fault because the last things I ever said to him were that it was his fault. He would end up leaning on the kids to feel better but they would be the first ones to take the brunt of his emotions. He might even start drinking again after being sober for a long time. His family would come to help him and support him but he won’t ever show his true feelings because he feels that he is protecting himself by doing so. “Because that is what men do,” that is what he would say anyway. Then he would have to make all those calls to people and say the words “I have to tell you something, Kristal is dead. She killed herself Sunday.” My ex husband would be distraught and would want to blame someone, then he would have to tell my children what happened, and console them. My kids would then silently try understand that their mom is gone. They would be crushed and that’s being mild only because I can’t stand the thought of them in pain. Nor would I want them to ever feel that it was their fault or that I didn’t love them. Then the call to my mom and dad. I can’t even begin to think of how they would respond because I know they too would feel depression and blame. The call to all my siblings. I can see the anger and overwhelming sadness. Then the call to my boss to tell her what happened and for her to tell my employees what has happened, and how work would not be the same for them for a while. All my friends getting the call, and all the people who saw me everyday, all the people’s lives that I touched in some way, or my church family. THEY WOULD ALL BE AFFECTED! So would all the people that would come to console them or run into. Its a crazy ripple affect.

This isn’t an easy thing for me to write. I am literally in tears trying to get this out. Because the pain they would feel all because I thought I was the problem in their life. I am not crying because I am triggered. I am crying because for once I saw what the consequences would be on the other side of my suicide. I am sure that I am not as close as I think I am to predicting what would happen, but I know enough to know that they would be heartbroken and inconsolable. Their entire lives would change for a little while because of my death. I can tell you that from my point of view that this is something I was not thinking about that day I was attempting suicide. I thought I would be easing their burdens. But in fact I would only be adding to them even more so than simply opening my mouth and saying I need help. I realize now that even though I didn’t die and I made a choice to live, and that they to had a choice to go with me on this journey. It wasn’t easy on them and some days it’s not easy on anyone. But the point is I AM ALIVE!!! They are happier with me living than laying in the ground.

I don’t like crying…. its hard to type and see the screen. #justsaying … I know… bad timing for a sense of humor, but that is how I can get past things. I know how to be funny in times when people need it the most.

I need you to know that this post comes from a place of understanding and love. I realize so much more now. I was in such a dark place. It’s hard to see the light and to see that there is a way out. When you are there in that awful place, it seems like nothing that is good is believable. Then there is a small light, some people hold on to that little bit of light for dear life and others lose hope in that light and feel that they don’t deserve a way out. I was both those people. I held on to that light for a long long time, and I finally let it go. Then I made a choice and walked through the light… I will NEVER go back to that dark place. That dark place will never have me back because that dark place doesn’t deserve me. I am person who is loved, and deserves love. This person, me, deserves a good life of living and love. This person deserves to see what her Father created her to be, and all the people in my life deserve that from me as well.

To everyone, I am sorry for all that I have put you through. I know some days are harder than others but I am learning who I really am. I appreciate all of you for staying by my side. I know that it was hard and scary, but we are here now and doing good. I am still learning and healing. So thank you for your patience. I know that I am confusing at times and I dont know who I will become through this healing, but I do know I will be a person.

To anyone who is feeling suicidal please reach out. There are a lot of places and resources to get you the help. I know how that sounds, I was there and when people said that to me I dismissed it too. But I feel better and I know that I am better. It took me a long time to stop believing the lies my mind told me about getting help. Everyone’s journey is different I know. I just want to share mine so that maybe someone who is in the same place I was knows that there is a way out of the darkness, that doesn’t invlove dying.

I am just so glad that I can see now what everyone else was trying to tell me, and see what it would be on the flip side for others.

So many people go through this and there are people who are still healing after their love one passed. For that I am so sorry. I understand now. My heart is with you.

The one thing that is a constant in my life and recovery is listening. I wasn’t alone through all of this. I see that now. Thank you Father. Thank you everyone. I think there is only one more chapter after this one to write about before I can really start telling you other stories of my brighter side of life. I can’t write those until you know where I was.

 

 

 

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Broadening Horizons. 

Today’s post is a little different. It’s something that is on my heart right now. I feel inspired and must share. 
A year and some change ago I attempted suicide. Yes let that sink in a little bit. It happened. I finally hit that low. And I will say this. When that sharp object was slicing through my skin I was so calm and everything around me was quiet. Peaceful. 
So many people are curious as to why someone would want to commit suicide. Which is usually followed by harsh statements on how selfish it is and how much pain we would put our family through. I can only speak for myself but when I heard those things it was only solidifying why I was attempting suicide to begin with. 
Suicide ideation is such a crappy term. I learned about this term as a few others to add into my mental illness resume. I say that very facetiously. I was given a diagnosis shortly after I was put in a very nice treatment center. 
I was angry at first that I was put there. I agreed to go after I was already forced. Ha-ha. My condition got so bad that I couldn’t even talk on the phone or go outside. I couldn’t talk to people. All those things and so much caused me so much stress an anxiety that it would send me into a fit almost with just the thought. 
So what got me to that point you ask?
Well it was a few big things that happened in succession in a course of a year. All starting with the end of a job title and being promoted into another job title. To being away for three weeks away from my family for training. Then to been so busy at work that I am not home. Then my grandfather passed away. That was the beginning of the end for me. 
So many things that felt so unbelievable was happening all at once. I didn’t realize that I was experiencing PTSD. That every single thing that happened to me and my family that year was all recall of things I had suppressed. I thought I had a better handle on my life than that. I mean you all will know more of these things that triggered me soon enough. 
After I have attempted suicide I felt like a newborn and not knowing a F-being thing!! I didn’t know who I was anymore. Who am I? Every day since then is a new day and new way to see the world. To not deal of things of the past but to keep moving forward. 
But the question remains the same or the attitude that comes why I attempted suicide. How could I possibly do that to my family and my children. Well the answer is simple. For me anyway. It was because I believed so strongly that I was the problem and the cause of problems. In my mind if I am the problem I will get rid of the problem. 
Although I am super grateful that my family supporting me and still do from that moment but I still had to take the steps myself to get better. 
I had to make a real committed choice to get better and believe in myself in my journey that I can do this. After a fews days into treatment I had hope. That was until I got my real diagnosis then I was pissed off but it’s only taken a year to say that and accept it. Ha-ha I agreed with most of the diagnoses but not the big one. I won’t reveal that now but it’s still too fresh for me. 
But for now every day I make a choice to get out of bed, to eat, to developed my skills, to learn who I am, to take care of others, to get guidance, to ask for help, to make new friends without fear of rejection or abandonment, to approach life with new eyes, to pray and give my worries to God if I have worries. All those things are choices. Every day is a new fight for my life. This is not always an easy road of recovery but I am recovering. I have good days and bad moments of parts of the day. 
I am learning that I literally have the whole world to explore. I have life!!! Life to broaden my world. I have been given this life to live it as full and complete as possible. I have been given tools to use to do exactly that. 
Some things that try to hinder this process is other people. Other people who may not know me and people that do know me will discourage what I want to do. It sounds too unsafe and not traditional way of life. I am a writer. You know how long it has taken me to say that?!!! But when I would try it on other people would tell me discouraging things. ” That’s not going to pay the bills!” Well you know what neither is me being jobless because I don’t fit in. It’s not what I am meant to do. 
I may be really awesome at my job but that is not what I am supposed to do with my life. God has shown me a piece of my future. It just made my mustard seed of faith grow larger and even more since that moment. I trust that God knows exactly what I am to do with my life. It’s my job just to obey and do. Life makes sense to me now. 
God has told me to write. Just write Kristal. Every time I have talked to God about my worry of making money to live he reminds me to trust in him, that he will provide just write Kristal. Or if I ask him if I am good enough. The love that washes over me tells me that I am and just write. 

I haven’t been so secure in a choice that involved my career but this makes sense to me. It fits who I am. I don’t quite know who Kristal is yet all the way but I can tell you that my past doesn’t define who I am. My past is what I have gone through. And it’s my testimony that will help someone else. It’s my testimony that I didn’t get this far on my own. I was given a new beginning by allowing my old me to die that day that I attempted suicide. That person does that day and Kristal is emerging from that moment. Everyday I have learned so much about myself. 

I had so many people come into my life to help me get to God. I will explain that also on another day. But today I am just In Awe that I have a life to experience and experiences awaiting for me to arrive! And also that I have to guard my heart, discern, and do all things for the glory of God. 

I am sure that this sort of topic makes some people uncomfortable. But maybe just be open minded and see that He changed me and saved me. And look right now I have been adding to my growing bucket list. My world is expanding. Growth is great!! 

 

Where to start. Ahh yes the beginning. Chapter 1

Hello welcome to my new blog. My name is Kristal. I am from the US of the great land of America. That is a whole other blog concerning my country. I am 34 years young, and I love telling stories. But the story that I will be writing about here is my own. Here is my why I am writing my story.

I am writing this story because of the things I have been through. I feel that it needs to be told because someone out there may come to this page and see that they are not alone. My story like so many others; it has ups, downs and plenty of loop de loops. Plenty of laughs and WTF moments. 

My story matters and so does yours. If one thing comes out of this vulnerability of myself that I am exposing is helping someone; then my story has made a difference. It will all be done without violence, riots, war, hate and all things that are bad. If anything it’s from those sorts of things that has made my story a successful one. Shall we get started? I think yes.

My story starts really from the time that I was brought into this world. I was three weeks late and my mom will gladly tell you how relieved she was. I was born to my mom and dad and brought into this world with so much already on my shoulders.

My parents were not happy in their marriage and there were all sorts of curses set before I was even born. ( curses= something I will bring up later) According to my mom my father denied me from before I was even born and would be later used as tool to hurt her. So from the get go my very existence was being used as way to hurt and heal. My father was abusive to my mom. My mom was a fighter. They hurt each other in their own ways.

Before I was born my mom had my sister from a previous marriage, and my father had my two older brothers also from a previous marriage. Then there was me. Born into a family that was just made of my father and mother, and three half siblings. My father was not kind to my sister. And my mom tried to forge a relationship with my two older brothers. She also tried to engage in a relationship with their mother for the sake of all of their children. There are plenty of blended families now, but back then it was more a taboo thing to do. Needless to say that didn’t work out. Eventually, my little family was split too.

As a child I was always so independent. I had my own way of thinking about life. I talked all the time! My first words were shut up for crying out loud. Already in my young life, I was kidnapped by my father, used as a tool to hurt my mom. These are memories I don’t remember. I remember being kidnapped by my father.haha

I was two maybe when that happened. I know what you are going to say. How can I remember something like that at that age. Well one word. It was a traumatic experience. Although it wasn’t violent in any way. He is my father. I love him. But I remember him picking me up at my mom’s house and leaving. Next thing I know I am in California with my dad and my grandparents. Heres why I remember it the most. My father sat me on the their counters, the phone rings, my Granny handed me a banana. I love bananas!! Then I remember my dad yelling over the phone and my grandparents comforting me and then being asked to talk to momma on the phone. That is the end of that memory.

I was later returned because my dad “didn’t want to buy or support me on his own.” That was according to my mom. My father didn’t deny this fact. My mom also told my dad over the phone that since he took me that he needs to be responsible for me. That scared my dad. My dad at the time had issues with any kind of commitment. That included his now three children. Basically my said, keep her, and he brought me back that weekend. I laugh about that now because that was so my dad and mom. But I was still used a tool. I just wanted to be loved, nurtured and cared for.

Some time passes and it was just my mom, sister and me. I annoyed my sister, my favored me because I was the baby. I really didn’t see my mom a whole lot. It was really me and sister. Then mom got pregnant with my brother. I was five years old when my baby brother came into this world. My whole life changed from that moment on.

The day that my baby brother was born, I was brought into the room where my mom just gave birth. I walked over, I look down to see this baby. A boy? ugh!!! I wanted a sister. Everyone was so joyous and I flat-out said,” I don’t want him.” I walked out of that room so cold-hearted . I remember walking into the hallway and my now ten-year old sister is telling that I hurt moms feelings. In my heart I didn’t care. I wanted a sister. I went back in to be with everyone because I had too.

I had to share everything with him. My room, my mom, and my sister. Don’t get me wrong  the kid grew on me. My mom let me be around him but he took so much from me. I think back now and I think I resented him. I wanted to love on him. He was the cutest baby I have ever seen. My mom let me hold him, and I was walking around him and I dropped him! I didn’t mean too!! But no one saw it that way. They thought I did it on purpose. So I wasn’t allowed to hold him anymore, but I saw a different side of mom. She hated me. That is how it felt anyway.

Like I said from the time of his birth my whole life changed. Anytime my baby brother cried she was mad at me. Even if I had nothing to do with it. My sister was my only safe place, even though she too turned her back on me. I was alone now. By this point my sister is going with her dad every other weekend. That meant that I was stuck with my mom without my safe place. I mean at this point I just think that my mom hates me, but I was not afraid of her. I didn’t have a reason to.

Sister left as usual with her father, and I was sad. I remember staying at the front door for a while after she would leave. I was alone. Sad and alone. I mean I was potty trained by a babysitter. I didn’t like that babysitter.

Here is why. One day she tells us ( all the kid she was watching) that she was leaving to the store and that her son will be watching us. Finally she says we are not to move and to go to sleep. It was nap time. Me and another girl were paired up on the aqua leather couch. I see her son talking to another girl, she goes into his room. Then some time later she come out. Then the girl, I actually think it was my sister, told me that he wanted to see me.

I get up and go into his room. He ushered me in and closed the door. He asked me to pick out a toy from his bed. I picked a book. He turned me around and told me to read the book. I didn’t know how to read but I sure depicted a great story from the pictures I saw. As I was flipping through the book telling my story he told me he was going to pull my panties down and I might feel something warm. He put his penis in between my legs against my vagina until he had his orgasm. I sure did feel something warm running down my legs. He got a wet cloth and cleaned me off. He pulled my panties back up , he turned me around and closed my book that I was still “reading” and told me to NEVER tell anyone. He fixed my white dress and told me to go take my nap and never to talk about it again. To be honest when this all went down. I thought he peed on me! Just as gross. Yuck!! I didn’t know what I do now. 

When I walked out. My sister had asked me what he said. I told her I wasn’t allowed to say, and did what I was told to do. I hated going there. At some point we switched babysitters. Still to this day, if I happened to be going past that house that is the only memory I have of that place. I didn’t tell anyone for a long time. 

I also remember going to a doctor around that same age, and the doctor doing almost the same thing. He asked my mom to leave the room, he turned off the lights and felt around in my panties. Moments past and he was all done. That is what he told my mom. At this point I am thinking that this is normal. Men = private place touchers. I did tell my mom and she told me that it didn’t happen. I was confused because it did happen. So it starts with my mom.

I think that is enough for today. I leave you with this. If you are reading this, just know that my story at this point only beginning. There is a lot of emotions that are coming. A lot of things that are hard to envision happening. But the truth is, that these happens all the time, and not many people talk about it. Or bring it out into light. I am talking about it because it needs to be said. But to also let you know that there is hope and salvation.