Hi there… its been good while since we’ve connected… and man so much has happened. Like whoa!! God’s fingerprints are all over the place …. like always! Haha so lets dive right in..
I believe the last thing that was talked about was the new season I am in. You know for the most part of the hardships that have been here but thats not the focus here at all, the focus is that I didn’t let go of God. I kept going forward even though it was scary… and let me tell you it is scary … but not in a fearful scary way, its scary in the sense that I was being stretched and willing to go through the events with GOD and not alone. Because lets keep it real.. In my own strength I would have given up a long time ago..
Where my strength ends… HIS begins… Grace y’all… Love and HIM!!
Trust me when I say I would have given up… But I am so grateful I didn’t … He has blessed me in new ways ..
I want to talk about this subject of giving up and kind of give a testimony to it a bit… maybe someone out there needs to read this message today…
Recently Holy Spirit has been leading me to a space that seems taboo to my human mind… The evidence was there, the confirmation was there, and still I was sort of being a doubting Thomas and still didn’t believe that this was the path needed to happen.. So God being so gracious and patient with me… I got even more evidence and conformations. Then I went through a slight disobedient phase there… then I realized that I was being selfish. Yup thats right.. I was being selfish and disobedient.
I was being called out of a relationship with a man that I have loved with all my being. Hard to believe I know but its true. When it was confirmed for me in my heart. My heart broken into unspeakable pieces and a sweet voice said to me that Jesus in mourning with me but its time.
This man is a great man and has done so much. God wants to do new fresh things in both of our lives and I believe that with all my heart. I know that there is a great healing that needs to happen in this family and families. We have been through so much and at this point I have felt that I have been standing in the way. That’s a personal conviction of my own and what was being shown to me. I just had to see for myself. So I had to do the hard thing… I had to open my mouth and start the hard conversation which happened several months ago… lots of tears and words were exchanged. I just held onto God and Holy Spirit for guidance because lets keep it real here… Anyone who knows Jesus knows how He feels about marriage. But He is also God! He knows way more than me and knows how the story really ends.
Over the course of these months a lot of life has happened. I was looking for a place and a new job in Colorado… I was shown in a dream of me looking over a valley while sitting on a mountain top. Y’all I could feel the smile on my face and the warmth of the sun on my face and I hear a loud boom. Like a gun shot. This was the second time a dream like that happened. I didn’t feel as if I was in danger or anything, I felt as though that wasn’t where I was going to be. The next day plans were made to go to Colorado and start looking around. Having almost a knowing that I wasn’t going to find what I was looking for there still plans were made and solidified. The following day after that I had a job interview with a local shop here in my hometown, and I got a message from my favorite boss of all time that she was in town and wanted me to stop by and visit. To which I agreed. I haven’t seen her in what seems like forever. I was super excited to see her.
I get to where she’s at and we just started talking and I haven’t been to my store in a long time. We just started talking like we use to. She just simply asked me in her way ” too bad you don’t want to come back.” To which I said that I have been applying for some time to come back. She happened to get a call and had to step away. I was just looking around my old store thinking all sorts of thing. I have always loved doing my job there. I mean I love what I did there and for that company. Anyway she came back and told me that I can have my job back if I were to accept. To which my heart did this weird thing when I know its the right thing to do in the moment. I think they call that conviction. Humbly I accepted my position back to the very job that I love, the store that I love, and the company. What a huge blessing!! Talk about God’s provision! So with a task list at hand and the allotted time I was given to get my affairs in order before I started back. We still went to Colorado and had a great time. My daughter was relieved that she wouldn’t have start over again, and I was in awe in God’s hand in my life. I felt like a child and I will admit that I felt a hope in my marriage that maybe this would be something that would restore it. But thats really me being selfish….again.
I was given gentle nudges and redirection of where I need to be… If God is closing that its not okay for me to stand in the way of that…. again. I certainly don’t want to find out what my disobedience would cause. So the subject came up again between my husband and myself. I will be honest I tried to deflect from the subject several times.
Then God blessed me again… with another confirmation by two unlikely vessels. A truck I have always admired was up for sale. It happens to be parked behind my job and I just happen to see it from where I was backing out of the parking lot. I reach out to the seller and I asked them to not sell it until I knew from the bank by the end of the day. Which is a total weird experience walking into the bank for a loan … that was a new thing for me too. I was so excited and nervous but mostly giddy … I sat down confidently and asked for a loan. To my surprise I was able to get the truck loan on my own. This was a confirmation that I can do this alone.
So why is this such a much bigger deal? Well, I have been waiting a long time to get my own truck since I was 22 years old and to get my dream truck… That is a huge blessing!! I never gave up, I waited patiently and didn’t rush the process. I wanted to a few times but I pumped the brakes on it and waited. God’s timing is so perfect. Well this is also a bigger deal because what you guys didn’t know was that we were talking about splitting up long before this all happened. I didn’t want to do things in a rash thing or emotionally. I want to be in God will that he wants for me. This was just one confirmation. When I called my Mom to tell her about my truck and that she was a reference for my loan she told me something, she said ” Kristal, this just shows that you can do this on your own.” I didn’t see it that way until she said that. Thank you God.
So the next thing was to find a place. I reached out to a few people for places to rent after figuring out what that budget would look like realistically where I live. Where I live isn’t exactly an affordable place, but He will provide. I reached out to an old friend and she asked if I ever considered buying a home. To which I said ” of course, but I just dont think that is in my cards.” I mean it makes sense to buy its more affordable to live… in the long run. She gave me a contact to call to see if I would be able to pre-qualify… talk about a scary moment… I at there in my chair staring at my phone, and trust me the enemy was all up in my business about that trying to feed five second lies, to which I didn’t bite into…Instead I surrendered it to God and let Him do what he does. If its in my cards then it is …
A few days passed and I was told that I pre-qualified and I was able to start looking at homes. I ended up finding the perfect one and a perfect piece of land to go with it, nestled back in the woods. I was driving home not knowing how to feel about it, so just talking about it all with Him and he blessed me again by a simple explanation… Blessed. I started to cry and peace overwhelmed my heart. Now I have to continue doing what I am suppose to be doing. Keep moving forward. Trust God and do good.
So where are we now in all this process? Well, we have promised to stay friends and be kind to each other. He has his own blessings coming his way. There is a great healing that will be happening. Of course I dont want to encroach on his space or be disrespectful, we respect each other and do life in a new way until everything is final.
We both have to learn what being single looks like and be a part and rediscover new things about ourselves, which in its own a great thing.
I have been so fortunate to hang out with great people that I feel so comfortable with and belong with. I feel free in a good way. I love that I am able to go the woods and not worry about anything. If I want to go hunting I can, if I want to go hang out with friends I can. I am learning what it feels like to be acquainted with me again, and learning what I do and don’t like and sticking to that. I am not afraid to laugh at myself and all my silliness. I am excited for what God is going to do next. Sure this whole thing is hard but not hard in a sad way, I guess I feel that way because I know that this in itself is a blessing for everyone. There is a lot healing of hurts that need to be healed on all sides. It’s not him or just me… or our kids… its just time..
It’s just time my sweet daughter.. that is what was nudged to me the night that this all came to light in a mutual way. There wasn’t tension anymore in the house. Almost like a breath of fresh air happened. I can’t speak for him but that is what it felt like to me. I suppose I see a much bigger picture than past hurts and good times. I choose to focus on the new beginning of this walk. There is nothing in the past for me. There is nothing in the past for anyone. It’s good to reflect on things just not live there. I have chosen to embrace this and go with it. I choose to focus on God and where he wants me to go. I choose to seek his face when I fall short. I choose to see him when I do something good. I choose to be humble. I choose to be good and not ugly because there is no more room for that in my life. I choose not to give up and hold on to God through all things. Good and bad.
I think I got so used to feeling cozy in this space I was in. As I approach my third year of recovery, I am feeling a new space that is large and it has made me feel uncomfortable because it feels so vast. I feel that I am constantly asking God for assurance, then reminded quickly where my feet are. They are not in the void of space they are standing firmly on my Rock. The same Rock who has always been there. So I stand firmly in where I am in life.
I can candy coat this situation, but I will tell you this. It was not easy having to be the person to say the hard things. Agreeing to my faults, and to see a hurt in his eyes and relief. He may not admit that part but I can only tell you what I saw that night that the final acceptance happen for the two of us. It looks and feels different for the two of us. We will always love each other but we both know that this is the best thing for both of us and our families. I know that his walk is going to be much different than mine, however I am excited for him and his family. I know that I am excited to stretch out a little and see what is in store for me as well.
Now I do want to say this. I am not endorsing divorce by any means. When you are married you work at that marriage with all that you’ve got. Nothing about marriage is easy in the hard parts but man to have someone who loves you and all that you are and vice versa is a beautiful thing. Work at it, do all that you can to make it work. I know that I have done all that I can to make this work and I can walk away because I know the depths of what has happened in this area in my life. I will not dishonor this man and his family out of pettiness. I will encourage and empower him to do awesome things in his life. We know what has happened and what hasn’t happened. I don’t hate him, dislike him or anything like that. He is a good man and deserves great things in his life and I know that God is going to bless him more than he can ever dream of. I have full confidence and faith that God knows what He is doing. He is GOD!! He knows everything and every heart. This is a unique thing and I embrace it and choose to follow God in this time. I respect the man I have spent nearly a decade with.
So this is my way of saying this… We are getting divorced and this is a good thing and mutual. And much more than a facebook relationship status change. We don’t want our friends or family to freak out. We are in a good space right now and plan to keep that mutual respect for each other. He has been there for me the best that he knew how and I love him for that.
This is a bittersweet blog but God is totally in this situation. I didn’t give up on what I suppose to be doing. I am surrendered to what I am to do at this moment. I held on to promises that have been given to me. I may not know what our future holds but I am sure excited to see what happens. This is just a small testimony for someone out there that may need this. But to also show that God is In all things. Big or small he is there walking right along with you and has made your line straight. To me these blessings that were given to me were to urge me in the direction of His will and not that of my own. I know that great things are coming for all of us in the household. So that is where I am right now.
It’s Time daughter to smile and stretch your wings!