Getting into the Rhythm even when you dont have Rhythm

Last Sunday durning my church service, My pastor was teaching about the Rhythm of Christmas. I felt it was interesting when he was teaching this in the following perpestive. I wasn’t sure how the music lesson was going to tie into Jesus. I loved the whole thing. I learned that I may never be a drummer, and I would be that one band member that would always be a little off. I used to play in Orchestra our conductor kept our time along with our foot, but I am not sure that it was really a proper etiquette in orchestra; I’m not really sure, moving. Orchestra I understand, but if I were to learn to play the drums I would have to have mass amounts of practice and lessons. Over and over until I got it and it was second nature. Which makes total sense when we apply it to everyday in our lives. Eureka I got it!!

I am one of those musically inclined people, if you want to call it that, I am that person that can hear it and play it to hear a mistake or something is off. I also learned that not everyone has that gift, just like I don’t posses the gift of being a drummer the keeper of time. So keep this in mind as I go through this moment. On a side not I am in constant reminder of the anchor… I need the anchor. (Hebrews 6:19) Jesus is my anchor and reminder to go at his pace, or to slow down and stay grounded with Him.

After church and getting my daily bread, I look back on my notes and the scriptures and I try to apply it to my life. Like really apply it. In this case, how do I stay in sync with God and how can I use the reference to music to understand and apply it.

Here’s my take. When I LISTEN to music, I am able to HEAR the conversation between instruments and media used to create the SOUND. Then I am able to COMPREHENDED what the singer or artist ( If there is one) is interpreting for us to be able to hear what the conversation is all about. Maybe its weird but that is how I hear music. When its a song that touches me, its because I am able to hear the entire conversation of the song and it touches my heart. You know the mood, the feelings, the story. Or I am able to take on my own interpretation of what the song is trying to say. In another words, I am digging in deeper and hearing all the sounds of the story being told.

Have you ever been in a mood that you couldn’t quite put your finger on, and you’re searching for a song to match what you’re feeling and you just can’t find that song? Yeah me too. Sometimes I feel that we can get that way in our lives. Nothing seems to sync up just right and we search and search to feed that moment. To satisfy that hunger. To make sense of what’s happening right? Bear with me. God has a reason for this, and sometimes He is moving the band around, but it is still playing great music, even if we can’t hear it like He does. God calls us to have a relationship with Him and Jesus is the heartbeat. ” He started the heartbeat of Jesus.” Y’all, when my Pastor said this, he put his hand to his chest , Thump thump…. thump thump…Je-sus Je-sus …. Je-sus Je-sus… That made so much sense to me. The gift that God gave me was redemption through Jesus. My thump thump… Talk about mind blown. God is love. Love is God. We often refer to the heart as love. Jesus equals your thump thump. I know right! I know that not everyone will see what I mean here, but this is how it made sense to me.

So my heart calls me for a purpose. So many of us, don’t listen to music the way I do. I know I am not alone, but my perception may not be like others. But we still are all a part of the same band bro. I am just not the drummer. Each of us have a different role to play and a different purpose. So how do we get our lives in sync or rhythm with Him? Well, its a choice I think. I know that I chose to listen to what He is calling me to do. I know that I am to write. That is all I know. I have to listen closely to what I am being guided to do. Even though it scares me, I may be lead by faith and not by sight. (2 Corinthians 5:7 NIV) I may not see the results right away, or hear the music playing at the moment, But I LISTEN to what I am being instructed to do by SOUND so I am able to COMPREHEND what I am to do next and know that the music is going to be awesome. We all have a purpose to fulfill. I know that when I was called to write I had no idea what or how everything was going to work. It turns out that me Knowing isn’t my current instrument to play, my instrument is to be obedient and write. Do the work to practice everyday, some days are harder than others, but I am practicing until its my second nature. Just like so many other things in my life at the moment as you may have read yesterday. I need to do the hard work to get where I need to be in accordance to what His will is.

So the last thing I wrote in my notes was this ” How can you get better Rhythm?” Well, I made the choice to change, to allow Him to do what He needs to do. There is a reason for me to have the purpose in this life because it’s going to matter to someone else that He puts in my path. We get out of sync because of sin and to align with God its going to take a lot of practice. I dont have the exact words that my Pastor used but I feel that I am pretty close. I dont know about you but I certainly dont like going through a hard time alone, I rather have a partner, brother, sister right next to me, and Jesus is right there beside me too, even if I can see Him. I know that He will never leave me as long as I reach for His hand.

My previous blog post, is a glimpse into what I am doing to stay in sync, its hard work, and its a lot of practice but by the grace of God, the support from Jesus,and guidance from the Holy Spirit, My journey doesn’t look so overwhelming. And just like any relationship there’s a lot of work and practice there too. It’s hard for us humans to really understand God’s love for us. Like we can’t even fathom the love He gives us and or many of us don’t even know what that would even look like. but maybe that is for another post later. Nevertheless, He wants a relationship with us. If you could text Him everyday like you would your best friend, would you and what would you tell him? That is what He is wanting. He loves you right where you are today, and who you are today. He is the most trustworthy friend you’ll ever have. He is the dad you can tell EVERYTHING too, and will still love you at the end of the day. So what part of the band is He calling you towards? Are you willing to take His hand and walk with Him through this process, even if its scary? Are you ready to start? Well I encourage you to pray on it ( have a conversation with Him) and I will do the same. We aren’t perfect beings, I am perfectly imperfect made by Him and He loves me faithfully, even when I let him down by my shortcomings but I will continue to the work and practice.

Thank you for reading today. Please feel free to comment, like and share. Please subscribe and don’t miss a beat with me!

Lastly, here is a funny picture of my American Bulldog Tucker. He just turned 4!!

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Being the Woman I want to be … Progress Report

Although, by now most of you have known that I am going through this journey and sharing my experiences with you. I will hold myself accountable here, because I haven’t been consistent. I am working on being better on all the areas that need changing. That is one of them.

So a lot of life has happened for me, which has created an affect to change myself. I was an empty cup and I was pouring into things and people that I had no business doing. So I made the choice to focus on me and my future. I gave myself the permission to do so. I can’t tell you all the times that I would say to myself that I would be selfish if I focused on myself. I believed that for so long, I will tell you that is one of the biggest lies I did believed and it legitimately held me back. So what I have done since October…

First thing I did, was start making boundaries with the people closest to me. That meant family and friends alike. If time is your only real asset on this round ball before going to your forever place, then maybe we need to manage it wisely. I know that I want to accomplish some awesome things in my life and I know I can’t do that if I do everything for everyone else. Whatever “everything” looks like to you. To me that looks like this …” Kristal you’re at home and nothing better to do, lets just do something else with your time.” I wish that I could honestly tell you how busy stay at home moms are. The expectation is that You are home, so therefore you have the time to clean the house, take care of the food, laundry, make all sorts of calls (IDK), take care of the errands, take care of the dogs, and somewhere in there; in my case find time to write my book, blog, and my makeup business. Not to mention to do this with a stable mind and heart. In an other words that people assume since I am home that I have all this free time when I don’t. because that is just during the day when no one is home, then we everyone comes home, then its dinner, clean the kitchen again, and whatever else needs to be done. At the end of the day, I just want to be alone doing something that I want to do that is enjoyable, but there is no time. How many times working or at home do you feel this way? Seriously, ask yourself that. I know that for me my schedule is so packed that I rarely have time for myself. So that is the next thing I tackled… Time management.

Time management is one of those things that is a never ending balance of work and fun. Things you have to do and things you want to do. Then allowing enough room for the things that come up unexpectedly.

This is a current, all ever so changing schedule for me. As you can see here, I am making the time to do better and setting myself up for success. I have a bad habit of not eating consistently hence the alarms to remind me to stop what I am doing to eat. Because I am taking the time to take care of myself and be the woman I want to be. My alarms go all the way to 8pm. After 8pm its my time to do what I want to do. For those of you who don’t know, I have ritualistic OCD this is hard thing to break. For me to start this, I had to go through a series of levels of thinking and action to get me to this point. To break OCD you have to go against everything you’ve done in the past and do the opposite. That a blog for a different day, haha. Nevertheless, I still wrote down all my goals for the next three, six, nine, and year goals. then with the three month goals I had to write out my weekly goals. I am sticking to one week at a time, Revisting that goal planning every Sunday when I prep my food for the week. Which in itself is a lot of time to consume. It is totally worth it. I am still working out the kinks to my time management because this is a change for others around me, they have a hard time with my changes too. It affects them too. A more assertive Kristal within her interpersonal circle is a shock to some, along with making time for herself and the things that are import to her are hard too. So then this brings me to my journey to weight loss.

So many years I have been wanting to lose the weight. I know I am among millions of woman who struggle with body image. There is a moment in every weight loss journey that starts with this moment of being scared which turns into change. I had mine recently. It is kind of a funny story to me, but the point of it all is I was scared. Over the last few years I have made choices to stop eating certain foods because of how it affects me physically. But with the combo job of not eating consistently, or eating the right portions or adding new healthy foods, along with stress that has been recent over the last 6 months, you do pack on the pounds not even meaning too. I was already obese but with my job at the time I was active, but the other things weren’t aligned. And plainly speaking… I wasn’t committed really deep down. Well, I have since stopped working at my most favorite job ever. (A career I am great at I might add) I have gained another 30 pounds. I have really been able to feel the weight for the first time. I am embarrassed to go out in public, finding clothes is a nightmare, I am really self loathing for the first time, but I refuse to allow myself to continue that trend anymore. I don’t want to accept whether I need to make choices based off of whether it is ” Fat people friendly,’ anymore. I haven’t got my hair cut in like nine months because I feel I am going to break her chair, so I save myself from that embarrassment. For instance, before my girlfriends and I went to New Orleans we all went out for a nail day, and low and behold I am sitting in the pedi chair, towards the end I adjusted myself and the chair made a loud crack noise in a quiet room ( of course the one moment where all the women stop talking) and everyone looked at me. I was mortified inside. I apologized to my tech, as she looked at me then looked around, and then back at me and said ” Don’t be sorry for anything. You’re fine, who cares.” And she looked around assuring me that I don’t need to care what others think. Then I broke one of my nails right before my manicure, because my tech was having a hard time pulling the cuff of my pants back down for me. So I helped her and broke my nail. It was a fiasco, but she took care of me.

But back to the doctor, I knew I had a UTI before we went to New Orleans but I thought I could manage it and get rid of it from home. Okay okay I didn’t want to go to the doctor because I didn’t have it in the budget. So I go to the doctor because I had flank pain, which only tells me that the infection is now in my kidneys. I am no doctor, but i know my body. I also know that I am a walking anomaly when it comes to health stuff. So in this case, the last time I had a UTI was when I pregnant with my oldest son, who is now fifteen years old. I don’t have pain when I go tinkle, or the other symptoms. I just knew that I had one. Anyway, I was at the doctor for nearly two hours, because my sample came back as “Normal,” and then the doctor wanted to insure that there wasn’t something sinister happening in my lady parts, which there wasn’t!! The doctors wasn’t listening to me because the science was telling her something else. It didn’t matter how many times I told her that its a UTI, we did slightly argue about it, but there I am in my paper dress, which isn’t big girl friendly, the whole thing isn’t fun to begin with. I would go into further details on how mortified I was at this point. There is always that moment of awkward conversation they try to do while preforming such procedures, sorry there isn’t more awkward then that moment. I would rather pose nude for an hour than do that once a year. Just saying. Moving on. I was glad I showered before I went. #AwkardDotCom

So then the doctor informs that she is going to get my sample cultured or something, but that I was perfectly fine. Two days later my results come back with having a UTI. But that isn’t what scared me, what scared me was my vitals. My blood pressure was not normal for me, and the nurse walked out fast so I couldn’t ask. I did get the information that I was looking for. I drew the line in the sand when it comes to my heart. I am too young to be this size in the first place but I need to take care of my heart and the body it supports. Right then and there I knew what I needed to commit to. Since then I have been eating clean, prepping my food, and exercising. I have experienced a lot of new things… like really feeling cruddy with detoxing from my old ways. Eating at the same time everyday really makes a difference. I am working through it, and not giving up on myself. Not to mention that the self talk has changed as well.

I am becoming more disciplined in doing it for me, not anyone else. I see the end game and there is tunnel vision, and once that happens there is no stopping it. So that is my moment of health change. And I am grateful for going to the Docs that day.

Next was going back to church. There is nothing like having a church family and friends. Bar none. I was scared to death to go back to church. The enemy is a clever thing, not that the enemy gets credit for that. #NotTodaySatan but for a year I haven’t gone because I didn’t understand a certain situation that happened with my Pastor and I. So i took it personally, and held onto the misunderstanding. Although, I knew that I needed to talk to my Pastor before I decided to go back or to another church. But the thing is that I love my church. Like really love my church, and didn’t really want to go anywhere else, but I wasn’t in a place to confront what was bothering me. God always has a plan, doesn’t he?! His plans and timing are ALWAYS PERFECT! That meeting finally happened, and it felt so good to have that conversation and get past it. Slowly, we move forward. With all things on the table and aired out. Then it was time to come to church. I opted not to go to the that first Sunday, to kind of let things settle for me personally, but that next Sunday, I was going regardless of what the enemy was throwing at me that morning. Telling me lies and it felt good to walk in through the doors, even though I was scared out of my mind. Everyone was welcoming and a lot of new faces. I sat in the back, like when I first started going so many years ago, and one lady to whom I adore, like so many others, she invited me to sit next to her. It was awesome to have such a welcoming back. I wanted to cry but man to have my cup filled for the week was amazing. I even had my daughter go to church with me the next time round. She was hesitant but even she received some nuggets of bread that day. #PraiseYouLord

Despite the many oppositions that are all around me and you, God is so much bigger than what those moments are. Those oppressors, those things that are major challenges that we all have in our life, when we trust in Him, the victory is already won, you just have to get out of His way and do the hard work. because that is what it is… hard work. and nothing worth having comes easy. This task that I am given isnt an easy one and I am more than happy to do the work to do what is asked of me when it comes to Him. He can turn any bad situation into a blessing if you are willing to see and listen. #GetIntoTheRhythm #GettingInSync #ActivePracticing #NBFLAPastorShawnisms

So to end this message and blog I hope you find the time for you. When you pour into yourself first then you can pour into others. When you take the time to listen to Him and fall back into His grace things become a little more manageable and easier to see the joy in all situations that you are going through. Take care of yourselves to be the better versions of you. Whatever that looks like to you!!

Love yourself!! And own who you are!! If you are starting or thinking of starting something that youve been wanting to do, I encourage you to take the steps to set yourself up for success. Lean on Him to help you through. Make boundaries, take the five seconds to build the courage for the first step, manage your time, and don’t settle. Love yourself and take care until next time.

#MovingOn

Be the woman that you want others to have in their life….. Damn… what a statement to myself. This is a huge thing for me. I always feel that I am undeserving of great things in life. I still have this fear that the other shoe will drop if I step outside of my safe box. That is the dumb for me to do!! I missing out on so much life. I have spent too time much dreaming and staying in my own prison when I am not meant to be there.

God healed me from all these things, and He often reminds me that I am not alone and that I am here for a greater purpose. I need to stop interfering in his job. Recently, I was able to go on a road trip with some great people. I learned a lot about the women I went on this trip with but I learned the most from myself. I learned that life is possible and the things that I want to do are POSSIBLE!

I can’t focus on the things that I can’t change and focus on the things that matter to me and work my ass off to get them. I need to stop working my ass off for people that don’t really care. I know that I am here to help others but first I need to help myself through this season. Sure things get wonky but God has been there for me every step of the way. I have selfishly put everyone before myself yet again, and I got wrapped into something that wasn’t meant for me to go through at all because I got in the way. So I forgive myself on  not allowing myself to really start life…. in this season.

I tried to explain where I am coming from to my family over the weekend and they looked at my like I was nuts… But I feel like through my time in recovery I went from being a infant into an adolescent and then into my life as an adult. I can’t explain the way my brain processed what I meant in that moment: Other than I had a new awakening. I realized that what “normal” people go through and know what they are suppose to do in this life… or what they want to do. I never had that moment until it was kinda forced onto me… because obviously I wasn’t ” Getting” it when it was presented to me before. The fact is… I need to get started on something important in life… More than what I have been doing.

Let me get this out of the way, even though I have been feeling lazy in life, I really haven’t. While most people were going to school, living a single life, figuring out life in a “hands on” kind of way, I was raising babies, getting married and figuring all that out, getting divorced and going through a custody battle way before most people my age graduated with their first degree. I was living a life that some are just doing now. So things are flipped for me, I am almost done with raising babies. My oldest will be graduating high school next year, the next will be a year behind her, and 3 years after that.. so I get to live a much different way than some of the people in my age group. To be honest my hat goes off to them, They did things the way I wish I could of. But its all about choices… because trying to go to school with a child and really no help is almost impossible.Some have done it and high five to you. It wasn’t in my cards. My hands on training in life was different. I know that I want to go back to school even though I will be that old person in class I don’t care… I want to finish school damnit. I want to do a lot of things in this life I want to be able to impact someones life for the better. I want to be able to say that through the work that God sets out for me that people are enriched.

I want to be able to experience going to different places in the world and experiences cultures. I want to be able to say that I have done this with people who are like minded. I want to be able to have real friends and not to be afraid of using my voice to speak life and to make boundaries, or to rid of the people or things that have no business being in my life. I don’t want to continue to compare my life to others, because just like me they and myself don’t know the real story behind the closed doors of others. I can however take a page from their book and learn something from them but not compare successes.

That is by far, the hardest lessons to act on, But when He tells you to move, you better move. When He says speak you speak. When He gives any commandment do it. We all hesitate to do these things because there is a real feeling of fear and rejection. I know that is what I feel when I am presented with these things myself. The times that I didn’t act there were things that happened that I certainly didn’t like. One of those ” A ha” moments came to me over the last few weeks and it was amazing to see things from a new fresh way. I was doing things for people that wouldn’t even think to do things like that for me. My business was suffering because I was thinking that I didn’t deserve to be a self sufficient business owner. Or people in my life are actually wanting to be a part of it and I shut them out because I overly trusted the wrong people in my life. I was believing lies that weren’t true.

I was watching others grow and I was there wishing that I possessed those skills to tell the wrong people in my life to piss off but in a much nicer way, but it also turns out that you sometimes need to be rough with others to remove them out of your life. The point is that I needed to move out of the complacent place in my life. Its time to move. The momentary emotions will pass but there is something bigger waiting for me past this moment. Its not my job to stay in one place. That is one thing that I love about myself, is that I accept the movement forward. I am still working on the emotional part. I know that we are not to stay in one place in our lives, we are called to do things and its our duty to live in that. I know that this moment for me is the hardest lesson is to not be fearful when saying goodbye to certain people in my life. God is making room for others to come in, not only for me to pour into them but for them to pour into me. God is my biggest fan… I do things for Him.

Right now, what does that look like for me? Well that means that I need to move forward. Allow the people that are not to be in my life at the moment to leave and make their exit. Allow myself to feel excited about the next move. Allow myself to put pen to paper make my plan and make it happen with His guidance. Allow myself to be hated or disliked, because we all know that is something that I have been getting used to lately in this season. I am living proof that no one has died from being unpopular or lied about etc. I am still here and standing because I leaned on His understanding and kept my faith through it all. To allow myself to accept the blessing that have come and yet to come.  Blessings look much different than what we assume blessings are at times. That has been my experience. Allow myself to smile. Allow myself to not solve everyones problems. Allow myself to have fun and not be so uptight. Allow myself to take a small moment for myself. Allow myself to just be in the moment. Allow myself to be coachable but not gullible. Allow myself to be humble but not a doormat. Allow myself a life worth living and see and experience things. Allow myself to accept successes in life. Allow myself to let things go and grow in a new way. Allow myself to love all of me, and work my ass off for the right and wise reasons.

Life is really short… and even though struggle with some things in life that others around me may not doesn’t mean that I am not deserving of some good. We all do, it just looks different to all of us. I am done with this phase and really grateful that I am walking out of this season wiser. I am going to let my freak flag fly…. haha and I accept that you may not accept me for me but I accept me.

Its time I walk out of my own shadow. Who is coming with me? I would like to hear your stories and feedback.

 

Sometimes Sorry is Enough

Sorry … Sometimes its a strong word, and sometimes its the weakest word. It all depends on the ears that are hearing those words. Sometimes saying sorry is all we can say. Saying sorry is sometimes the last thing you want to say. Hearing sorry is the only thing you want to hear or its the furthest from your mind.

So lately, there has been a lot of things going on in my life. To make this a little easier without throwing actual situations out there that could potentially hurt someones feelings. Lets just say there is a season change in my life, and its a hard winter for me.  You’ve been through worse Kristal. The good news is that I know that things will turn out the way they are supposed to, this is an adjustment period, this to shall pass, God is totally involved, I have fleshy moments, I have made mistakes, I am doing all that I can to not lose whats important to me. Which is my family.

God is working in my life in such a way that I have no choice but to lean on Him. Trust me I am glad too, because I know that I can’t do this alone. I feel alone at times because I don’t know where to go when its time. Meaning, I am trying to rush the situation because its uncomfortable. I’m working in my flesh. I am learning and practicing. This situation isn’t easy at all. I see whats happening and I am helpless to stop it. I have to force myself to step back because that is what is asked of me. I have to step back for myself as well, because the fire is just way to hot. This situation is happening for a reason. Cliche or not it is happening because things need to change. I feel that when we don’t listen to the guidance we are given, God either way is going to create and use the situation because the change needs to happen, and for a greater purpose than the actual “Right Now,” situation. Whatever is happening now is for a greater purpose for later on. 

Trust me, in my human mind it feels like everything around me is on fire and no matter where I turn I could get burned or is burning. That is for everyone that is involved. Everything is so delicate right now that the smallest things turn into huge flames. I am trying so hard. I don’t know how to handle the situation and I am not doing a very good job at it. I can admit that. I was told to stay out of it and yet I am still in it. I want to do right by everyone and I realized that I can not. So I lean on God and I want to pray but I feel that I have no where that is my own to do that with. In another words Kristal likes having her time with Jesus in private and in a special place. 

 The frustration wants to be invited in and I am making mistakes and can’t fix them. Sorry is just not enough in this moment. That is the feeling I have in my heart. It’s not enough and I wish it were. 

So how do I fix it from here? How do handle the emotional side of things? I feel that I can’t. It needs to come from upper management. #JesusTakeTheWheelMoment I know that it needs to come from Him and I need to get out-of-the-way. I need to get on my knees and just let it all out, but I still feel this guilt. This shame storm that was darted at me, and I am trying so hard to not allow it into my heart. I will fight for my life in that way because I know my worth in God’s eyes. I know that I will be fine out of this but going through the mountain isn’t easy for anyone. God knew that I was ready for this. God knows what He is doing.

Some days I feel like Peter. When Jesus asked him to come walk with him on the water. That moment of hesitation he had before taking that step onto the water. You know the trust factor. I know Jesus has me … my fleshy moments are saying that He doesn’t. All things that I have to talk to God about. You see I am answering my own questions as I write this out. I know that I am not the only person who is going through a season right now. I still need Jesus to hold my hand or to hold me while I just cry. ( He will do that you know) I am not graduated yet to walking on water. Or maybe it’s because I don’t trust myself to actually take the first step to get there. How can things change if I am not ready to walk on that water? Good question Kristal, why don’t you talk to Jesus about it?

I know I know I know… I almost feel that I am being disobedient by not getting out-of-the-way.  Because you are being a little poopy about the whole thing Kristal. I got this! I know what I need to do. I need to step out-of-the-way. And staying out of the way and allow things to happen the way God intended things to be and let Him clear up the mess that the enemy created.

 God is so faithful y’all. He loves us a lot.  He is so patient with me, and all of us. I am happy that I am reminded that I need to forgive often, be slow to speak and quick to listen, follow the wise, discern all the time, follow The Word, talk to Him often, ask for forgiveness and let love rule. Make good solid foundations and boundaries and lay all the good and the bad at His feet. He knows everyone’s heart and where they are going to go.

I have to remember that the battle is already won, I need to get out-of-the-way. Sorry may not be enough for all situations but the point is that I know I have made mistakes. I am sorry for those mistakes. I know that I don’t hold shame with those mistakes because that is exactly what they are. Mistakes. Whether or not that apology is accepted that is on that person that it is said to, but I know in my heart that I did all that I could at the time. It wasn’t done to be mean or malicious but to help. And to know and be mindful that not everyone wants or needs your help. I know that things will be fine and worked out the way they are meant to.

Sorry in many ways takes the pain off of someone. Just to hear those words, ” I’m Sorry,” can mean the world to someone. To take the accountability that you made that mistake and said sorry.  I know that for me its hard to accept the apology the first time because I am soooo in the moment of the pain. Deep down that sorry means everything to me. I know that I need to get passed my own self righteousness and be vulnerable in front of that person. This is something that I am learning to do more often. To trust that person not to hurt me anymore at that moment and accept them and their vulnerability. #GrowingPains

Sorry is very powerful, I suppose it depends on how you respond to it. I chose to be okay with my mistakes and chose to forgive myself and others. Learning to say sorry to the people who need to hear it from you. #RunOnSentencesAreInNow

I don’t know how this will help anyone but I do like that I was able to vent a little and work out my issue here. Words or even writing about somethings helps me a lot. Sure, I could journal it but I feel that it might help someone else. Maybe… or maybe it can just be this funny story how I had to rant about a Vague situation for me to get a dang clue. I mean crap a doodles…. The sign was there the whole time smacking me in the face and I am asking where is it!  Liiike hello!! I am only human… you are human…  and I need to commit to a blog post… I have a long draft list going on…

 

Be good to each other especially in times that are hard. You don’t know the struggle they are going through and they don’t know the struggle you are going through. Be slow to speak and quick to listen. Love each other and forgive often. I know that my situation is in God’s hands. He knows my heart and the hearts of others. The battle is already won. Put God first and you’ll never be last.

Chapter 14: Hey we need to talk.

So we need to talk. Well, I guess I will talk and wait to see if you respond back. Yes, I am talking to all of you. There is a lot going on and I often find myself in a whirlwind of chaos. I really hate that… Like a lot. But as I work through those issues, there are some things that are on my heart lately that I feel I just need to say.

I know what it is like to be on the side of suicidal thoughts and ideation. I know that I have talked about what it is like for me and probably so many others that have gone through that situation. I find humor in the “survivor,” term with that. I didn’t survive my attempt in suicide. I was stopped from committing suicide. I was pissed about that as well when it happened I might add; and when I saw my doctor and he said ” so you survived,” I actually laughed because it was a choice. It was a choice that was made for me, and a choice I eventually made for myself. Yes you read that right…. a choice. Now granted if I was alone, which I was before I was stopped the first time, I would of gone through with my plan. It was still a choice, But since I wasn’t alone the second time that day, it was the choice of my husband to stop me. CHOICE.

I made a choice to live. I made a choice to listen to my husband. I made a choice to not do it that day. I made all those choices. My intention of leaving this world didn’t just vanish after I made that choice. It was always there like a nagging splinter in my mind. My heart was so incredibly broken, but I made a choice to live. I made a choice to continue to listen on how much I was selfish and it was not the time for a “Kristal Show.” But I can tell you those thirty some hours were so incredibly impossible after my last attempt. I couldn’t be left alone for more than ten minutes at time before I would freak the F out again. Constant awful feelings of shame and guilt came like darts and arrows from war from the enemy. ( think of the movie 300 and all the arrows that were shot at them, and it darkened the skies. That is how it felt, just me without a shield to protect me)

So, I was thinking … How all my actions have affected people all around me. What if I wasn’t caught and I died, how all of that would affect the people around me. Pretty heavy stuff. I can see why I never thought about it from their point of view before. I didnt want to trigger myself into all the shame and guilt again. Let me clarify, from their point of view from a healthier point of view. So if you don’t know, when a person is suicidal they think of all the shame and guilt. You have to understand from their point of view, from my point of view, I was doing my friends, family, co-workers all a favor by leaving this world because I WAS THE PROBLEM! For healthy people, they don’t quite understand that… LIKE AT ALL!!

The one thing that I hate hearing is the cliché saying of …. “IT’S A PERMANENT SOLUTION TO A TEMPORARY PROBLEM!” stop saying that to people. And if you are a person that was suicidal and this phrase worked for you, please contact me because I want to give you so much praise. That phrase still triggers me because it reminds me of how some people just don’t get it. To me this phrase means this… ” You’re going to kill yourself over something that means nothing.” Yeah I get it… But when a person has shame they BELIEVE THEY ARE THE PROBLEM… I was the problem for everyone around me… I was the solution to end all things because I was taking care of the end result for them to be happy!! I was giving them peace. That was my thinking and understand; and  nearly enough words to express that y’all. I really don’t like that phrase. It sounds so self-serving for the people saying it, like they are better than me. Because they seem to know more than me. When I was suicidal I was thinking that it was the most selfless thing I could do for all of them. I understand that I might offend some people but this is my story from my point of view.

On the flip side of that coin, I seen something I haven’t seen before. The after effects to people who had to live with the death of their love one and the people who have been affected with the person who attempted. Talk about an eye opener. I am really thankful I am in a place where I can withstand seeing that without being triggered. So this is what I have seen. Parents living with guilt and what if’s lingering. Spouses living with guilt and shame of what ifs and blame. Children growing up with confusion and blame that maybe it was their fault. Friends blaming themselves and feeling responsible for their death. The pastor who talked over their service feeling pained that maybe there was more that they could have done. The co-workers who try to comfort and get rejected. The coffee shop clerk being attacked verbally because that husband doesn’t know how to cope and was drinking the night before and doesn’t feel good. I see now that there are soooo many people affected than just the immediate people. ( Hence why its important to me to not judge people because I dont know what they are going through.)

No matter how it manifests, the one thing that is clear to me is they all become something they weren’t before. Sad, depressed, confused, isolated, irrational, lost, in need of answers themselves, blame consumes them, guilt and shame take over for them, feeling of abandonment and rejection, trust issues, traumatized. Their lives can be consumed by the death of their loved one. I feel that people feel the same with people who attempted. They still feel all those things but don’t talk about it with the person in fear it will trigger them. In a sense they lost the person they once knew and still mourn the loss even though they are living. They all share the anger and sadness and all the other emotions that come with all of that. I never saw that before.

The first people I think of is the people who I live with. What would their lives look like with me gone. I can see it so clearly. I can see exactly what I think would happen. My husband would turn to darker things because he would be the first to blame himself. The guilt would wash over him thinking it was his fault because the last things I ever said to him were that it was his fault. He would end up leaning on the kids to feel better but they would be the first ones to take the brunt of his emotions. He might even start drinking again after being sober for a long time. His family would come to help him and support him but he won’t ever show his true feelings because he feels that he is protecting himself by doing so. “Because that is what men do,” that is what he would say anyway. Then he would have to make all those calls to people and say the words “I have to tell you something, Kristal is dead. She killed herself Sunday.” My ex husband would be distraught and would want to blame someone, then he would have to tell my children what happened, and console them. My kids would then silently try understand that their mom is gone. They would be crushed and that’s being mild only because I can’t stand the thought of them in pain. Nor would I want them to ever feel that it was their fault or that I didn’t love them. Then the call to my mom and dad. I can’t even begin to think of how they would respond because I know they too would feel depression and blame. The call to all my siblings. I can see the anger and overwhelming sadness. Then the call to my boss to tell her what happened and for her to tell my employees what has happened, and how work would not be the same for them for a while. All my friends getting the call, and all the people who saw me everyday, all the people’s lives that I touched in some way, or my church family. THEY WOULD ALL BE AFFECTED! So would all the people that would come to console them or run into. Its a crazy ripple affect.

This isn’t an easy thing for me to write. I am literally in tears trying to get this out. Because the pain they would feel all because I thought I was the problem in their life. I am not crying because I am triggered. I am crying because for once I saw what the consequences would be on the other side of my suicide. I am sure that I am not as close as I think I am to predicting what would happen, but I know enough to know that they would be heartbroken and inconsolable. Their entire lives would change for a little while because of my death. I can tell you that from my point of view that this is something I was not thinking about that day I was attempting suicide. I thought I would be easing their burdens. But in fact I would only be adding to them even more so than simply opening my mouth and saying I need help. I realize now that even though I didn’t die and I made a choice to live, and that they to had a choice to go with me on this journey. It wasn’t easy on them and some days it’s not easy on anyone. But the point is I AM ALIVE!!! They are happier with me living than laying in the ground.

I don’t like crying…. its hard to type and see the screen. #justsaying … I know… bad timing for a sense of humor, but that is how I can get past things. I know how to be funny in times when people need it the most.

I need you to know that this post comes from a place of understanding and love. I realize so much more now. I was in such a dark place. It’s hard to see the light and to see that there is a way out. When you are there in that awful place, it seems like nothing that is good is believable. Then there is a small light, some people hold on to that little bit of light for dear life and others lose hope in that light and feel that they don’t deserve a way out. I was both those people. I held on to that light for a long long time, and I finally let it go. Then I made a choice and walked through the light… I will NEVER go back to that dark place. That dark place will never have me back because that dark place doesn’t deserve me. I am person who is loved, and deserves love. This person, me, deserves a good life of living and love. This person deserves to see what her Father created her to be, and all the people in my life deserve that from me as well.

To everyone, I am sorry for all that I have put you through. I know some days are harder than others but I am learning who I really am. I appreciate all of you for staying by my side. I know that it was hard and scary, but we are here now and doing good. I am still learning and healing. So thank you for your patience. I know that I am confusing at times and I dont know who I will become through this healing, but I do know I will be a person.

To anyone who is feeling suicidal please reach out. There are a lot of places and resources to get you the help. I know how that sounds, I was there and when people said that to me I dismissed it too. But I feel better and I know that I am better. It took me a long time to stop believing the lies my mind told me about getting help. Everyone’s journey is different I know. I just want to share mine so that maybe someone who is in the same place I was knows that there is a way out of the darkness, that doesn’t invlove dying.

I am just so glad that I can see now what everyone else was trying to tell me, and see what it would be on the flip side for others.

So many people go through this and there are people who are still healing after their love one passed. For that I am so sorry. I understand now. My heart is with you.

The one thing that is a constant in my life and recovery is listening. I wasn’t alone through all of this. I see that now. Thank you Father. Thank you everyone. I think there is only one more chapter after this one to write about before I can really start telling you other stories of my brighter side of life. I can’t write those until you know where I was.

 

 

 

Just be … 

I give too much because I know what it’s like to not have enough. 

I love hard because I know what it’s like not to receive love. 

I forgive often because I know what it’s like not to be given grace. 

I work harder to lessen the burden of others. 

I feel what you feel so you don’t feel alone. 

I empathize because I’ve been there too. 

I smile to give hope because there is hope. 

I laugh because there is real joy on this planet. 

I speak life because the world can be a dark place. 

I hug a little longer because I wasn’t always shown affection. 

I enjoy watching people grow in their paths It inspires me. 

My heart is overflowing so I will spill into your heart as well. 

I’m in the present because I don’t live in the past and tomorrow is yet to be. 

I help because I want to. 

I understand where your coming from but I enjoying listening when no one wants to give you the time. 

I respect you when you feel you don’t deserve it. 

Servitude is a blessing. Taking care of each other is a blessing. Nurturing each other is a blessing. Praying for each other is a gift. 

When I am climbing to the top I want to help you come with me. 

These things were in my mind and needed to come out to the world. Goodnight now.